Competition 27 May 2000 - Football players' favourite party tricks
| Simon
Quickly this week as time is of the essence (I've got to go and watch a copy of Minder I taped after the footy last night. Without any doubt, there is only one modern day footballer who could perform party tricks, and that was Chris Mainwaring and the lamp shade trick. From all accounts for those who witnessed live, it was outstanding! Yours in Football Phil Thomas On behalf of the "What happened to the Fort Report" Faction Greetings Coodabeens Warwick Capper enjoyed sampling "fluffy ducks" after a big game. He would then dissapear for 15 minutes before returned dressed as a swanette ( the skirt was way to small) pom poms in hand singing "sadie the cleaning lady" at full voice. Unfortunatley the mind was on full power just getting the pom poms co ordianted causing the chorus to be repeatted constantly and the verse missed completely. Warwick was able to sing for hours and sometimes into the next day if the venue had mirrors in the close proximity . James Hird would sneak into his church rectory and steal the wine. More often then not the priest wouldnt know as he'd had a little sample himself, but we wont discuss that. After a few mouthfulls, James would giggle like a school girl chasing her first boy and slip into the next door reception venue. There ( along with both his friends) he would walk up to the beautifully presented tables and begin to pop butter balls into his mouth. He has been known to fit 17 into his mouth and hold them there for 20 minutes before removing them completely intact and replacing them on the table. Richard Taylor has been known to levitate out a window and into another room. unfortunately Anthony Stevens didnt see the setup and failed miserably in his attempt. Lawrence didnt learn from this failure either and also tried to repeat Taylors feat. Mathews was heard to mumble " if a player called houdini ever enters the draft, send him to W.A and for heavens sakes dont let anyone near a water tank" Regards Phil Benedick G'day fellas Here are a few: Sav Rocca - dissappearing act - need we say more?! Jason Traianidis - busking - have you ever met a successful one? Matty Lloyd - dramatised acrobatics - specialising in forward lunges; Brad Ottens - proctological excavations - learnt and practiced only in the early hours of Sunday morning. Craig Bradley - NotGrowOlderous-ThanJumeperNumberous (often referred to as the Peter Pan trick) - wasn't he playing when Digger started following Collingwood? James Hird - pulling a rabbit out of a hat - performs when moved to the midfield after being negated at centre half forward. 'That bloke Pagan won't let us mention' - picking the tail of a donkey - a new Advanced Hair Replacement technique. Jose Romero - shadow puppeteer - found more than one use for his scratching weapons. and two coaches: Mark Williams - juggling - could be no less than an expert with his squad made up of "the shorts, the smalls and the not so talls" Kevin Sheedy - hypnotism - he could convince the Pope the Jews were right, and the rest of us the Bombers were under-dogs. hope you enjoyed, thanks. Sean Dillon PARTY TRICK ONE I saw Blight take a mark over Ablett in the goal square, then go back and kick the goal. On the way back to his position he made a shape with his arm and hand like an Emu and made as though he was pecking his own forehead. He did this repeatedly to all his teammates until he took up his position at full back. YES, FULL BACK!. Because this was not years ago, but last week. The player Blight was from the Northern Bullants and the Ablett was Michael Ablett of the Murray Kangaroos. No idea what the emu was all about, 'though. PARTY TRICK TWO This I also saw last week during the incredibly boring game between the Kangaroos and Port. At three quarter time the Port players were in the huddle, being addressed by their inspiring coach, Mark Williams. That's when MATTHEW PRIMUS DID HIS TRICK. He inserted his right index finger into his left nostril and excavated the contents thereof. But that was not all. He then proceeded to place said finger in his mouth and swallow his findings. I have seen this done before, of course, but not since primary school.The camerman did not see fit to change his shot and it somehow all seemed to fit with the day's proceedings. KEITH PAYNE My favourite party trick comes from Collingwoods most loved player, JASON WILD. His often clown like performance in front of the Collingwood faithful over thee years he spent at pieland was much like that off a clown at a 4 year olds party. His ability to * Trip over his own feet when in the clear with the ball * trip over his feet when in the clear * Consistently get in the way of good collingwood player e.g. Nathan Buckley, Bucks, Nathan, Brownlow, Thompson (in reference to him winning his 5th Copeland this year) * to hit an opposition player with such regularity caused nothing but laughs from the Collingwood faithful * His disappearance into the 2nds was greeted with great applause. Regards Mark Helliar to simon and boys matty lloyd has a great party trick in which i think he is single handedly resposable for the poor condition of the forward 50's turf at colo stadium every time he has a shot at goal he bends down rips out a tuff of nice green grass roots and all even when the roof is closed and throws it up in the air to drift off aimesly (or to see which way the air conditionars are blowing)his tirck also seems to be infectues as blake caracella,darren bewick and scott lucas have been seen partaking in some ground removel Troy Here are a few party trick that i have picked up; 1. The umpires have a party trick, that is that some how they can everyone to hate them just by blowing a whistle. 2. So far this season i have also seen immatations as peoples party tricks. Matthew Rogers of Richmond immatates Kevin Bartlett, this is because he just doesn't handball. He will have a go for goals from anywhere. Also the Port Adelaide side immatates being an AFL side. Peter Williamson DEAR SIMON, The most amazing party act of all belongs to an obscure player from the 60s, but the trick is so good, it must be mentioned. This Carlton back line player (whose identity is not important) invites officials of the OTHER Victorian AFL clubs to the party and deals the following cards face up: In one place, the “Colonial” card on its own; and in another spot, the “Optus” card with the “Game” card on top. Then he (I won’t mention his name – after all, it’s the trick that’s significant) dares anyone in the room to move “Game” from “Optus” to “Colonial”. Some poor, unsuspecting person steps forward confidently, completes the task and claims victory … until the next check of the team’s bank account shows $40,000 has gone missing. This, my friends, is the explanation of the oft-used saying: “The Three Card Trick”. Doug Long Gentlemen What about these: 1) Che Cockatoo-Collins - His party trick is the "Power Nap" just prior to kicking a goal. More often than not, he kicks the goal. 2) Matty Lloyd - His relentless party trick is the very golf-like toss of the "tuft of grass" before lining up for goal. Even has the professionalism to investigate the impact of the flow from the air conditioners at Colonial in the forward pocket when the roof is closed. 3) Trent Croad - Party trick is to tuck the wings of his fringe behind the ears, even when the ball is in flight and he is about to participate in a marking contest. Should be traded to Richmond pulling stunts like that. 4) The Coodabeens Own Scotty Watters - Didn't he squat for a leak over at Perth a few years back, sparking a sequence of similar misdemaenours in Melbourne and Brisbane? Maybe that's why the surface at Colonial looks like the Simpson Desert. Oliver Kysela Yarra Valley Old Boys In the Car on the Way to Playing Peninsula Dear Simon, Re: individual player's party tricks (beware: circuitous tale ahead) Despite great respect for David Copperfield's disappearing tricks, my favourite party trick of the 70s was the Canning Street Cathy, performed as follows: If you had nothing to do on a Saturday night, a group of you would drive up and down Canning street looking for a party. The designated door-knocker would then ring the bell and say "I'm a friend of Cathy's". This would automatically gain you entry, as every party in the 70s was abundant with Cathys. If the person answering the door WAS Cathy, step 3 on the flowchart was to say "Hi Cathy, remember me? I'm a friend of your brother's." If Cathy had no brothers, or had a Mick Nolan sized one who was standing right behind Cathy, step 4 was to revert back to your more David Copperfield type of trick. This IS relevant because I suspect a variation on the Canning Street Cathy is currently being performed by David Bourke. Because how else does he get in each week? Also, Champs - Do you know the way to tag Jose? His centre breaks have blown all my set plays clean away If you know the way to tag Jose Give us the tip before Jose puts the game away Jose used to be a tagger Now he goes round setting up the play. You know he seems to think he's a star. Shrugs off tackles Dobs them from afar. What do we do? What do we say? Jose thankyou. Thankyou Jose. ....boom boom boom....etc, etc. Regards, Stuart McArthur. SLY'S TOP TEN PARTY TRICKS (in no particular order) 1) Warren Tredea's inability to mark, kick and handball the football, yet some how have a reputation of a high quality footballer. Now that's some party trick. 2) Kevin Sheedy's ability to remain as coach at Essendon since 1981. He has oulasted numerous assistants, players, committees and presidents. Now that's some party trick. 3) Peter Filandia's ability to stay on a senior AFL club list for 12 seasons is amazing considering his lack of games and inability to never ever be a regular senior player in any of his 12 senior seasons. Now that's some party trick. 4) Barry Hall's ability to kick a great goal to put St Kilda back in the match and then not long after always give away a stupid 50 metre penalty which costs his team a goal. Now that's some party trick. 5) Darren Jarman's ability to sell an over exaggerated dummy when outside 50 then run in a kick a great goal. Now that's some party trick. 6) Wayne Carey's ability to look bigger and stronger than all other players, especially in an era when all players physiques are bigger than in the past. Wayne plays like a player in junior football that is bigger than the rest of the kids. To do that in AFL footy today is amazing, now that's some party trick. 7) Craig Bradley's ability to out run many younger opponents at the age of 37 is extraordinary. Now that's some party trick. 8) Tony Liberatore's ability to survive in AFL footy for so long when he cannot jump, run very fast or kick very far, but still be a good player for the Western Bulldogs. Now thats some party trick. 9) David Bourke's inability to put on weight despite doing six AFL pre seasons and have a healthy reputation for enjoying an ale. Surely with all the expertise the AFL clubs have in weight training he could put on some muscle. Now that's some party trick. 10) Adrian Fletcher's ability to get sacked from three AFL clubs while always playing good footy and end up a club captain and 200 game player. Now that's some party trick. From Sly of East Malvern Party Tricks, Would have to be a dead heat between Essendons two glamour forwards (not Hirdy) Matthew Lloyd & Scott Lucas for their ongoing rivalry at the set shot for goal position in which the two boys place the footy on the ground pull their socks up, tuck their jumper in, and see who can reef their shorts up the highest and in doing so therefore covering the teams jumper sponsor on their backs. P.S To verify this just look at the Anzac Day game and the great mark Lucas took at the Punt Rd end in the 1st quarter and the magnifcent performance following there after... Colin Johnstone. Hello Coodabeen's, here are my players and their party tricks... Ian Aitken, Mark Athorn, Warren McKenzie - their ability to maintain their position in Carlton Grand Final sides (each share the dubious title of "Worst Player to play in a Premiership side") Sav Rocca - making the game look a hell of a lot harder than it actually is Andrew Macleod - making the game look a hell of a lot easier than it actually is The entire Western Bulldogs Forward line - their set routine when kicking for goal does not help their kicking it just gives further exposure to their boot manufacturer. Craig Francis PLAYER'S PARTY TRICKS "THE MOLE" Attending a game with a fellow supporter you discuss before the bounce of the ball who, in your side, will be "the mole". A few names are bandied around but no one is really sure. You'll just have to watch the game closely and eliminate suspects as it proceeds. As the match continues you start eliminating suspects - one of your players goes off with a hamstring injury so it cannot be him, another has gained over 40 possessions so he's not the mole and another has kicked 7 straight goals so it is clearly not him. In the dying minutes of the game your team is 2 points up. You nervously scan the ground trying to pick who the mole will be. With less than a minute to go the opposition get a minor score leaving your team 1 point ahead. Your team's full back is unsure where to kick out the ball so he does one of those horrid little 20 metre passes that goes straight to the opposing full forward who runs on and kicks the match winning goal. Then it suddenly hits you - your full back is this week's MOLE !!! He has deliberately sabotaged any chance your team had of winning by doing something stupid and subtly aiding the opposition. As you leave the ground you go over the game and realise you should have seen the clues - the poor kicking in all day, his opponents 5 easy goals, the free kicks he was giving away............ You wonder who will be next week's mole..... "THE JACK IN THE BOX" The player who pops up out of nowhere and kicks a goal. E.g Bewick, Moorcroft "THE GLADIATOR" The player who tries to run the length of the field and take on all opposition. E.g. Aussie Jones, David King From Paul Russo/John Clements (3366 Faction) Dear boys here are the following party tricks, not included kouta's one-hand pickup *Damien Adkins taking on 84 defenders and then getting clobbered (remember Contessa) *Peter Daicos kicking goal after goal from the social club pocket with eyes closed and tounge out *David King after kicking a running goal, going up to his man and giving him the biggest heap of you know what (you could include Damien Hardwick in this) *Jason Akermanis and Brad Sholl with cartwheels. *Ben Graham, Corey McKernan or either of the Rocca boys kicking a goal at the 25 minute mark of the 4th qtr in a close game to kick a goal from inside the centre square to win the game. *Ron Delulio; the only player in the league who can bounce the ball over his head when running down the wing at Optus Oval *Matty Lloyd; he can do ANYTHING (and i'm a Pies supporter) *Ronnie Burns and Steven King, both have kicked banana kick goals with no opposite foot when not on the boundary *Andrew Dunkley, the only player in the league who kicks reverse torps regularly Regards Michael Hogg p.s. when remembering players from the past could you do work on the following players; Andrew Pugsley (1998 Coll), Doug Barwick (Fitz & Coll 80s and early 90s), Lucas Herbert (Blighty's mate) and Sav Rocca Dear Simon, The best party trick of those associated with football must go to the coaches. Their team could be undefeated on top of the ladder or have comeback from 10 goals down at 3/4 time to win by 5 goals and the gloom and despair hangs like a thundercloud over their head waiting to deluge them with injuries and suspensions should they show any sign of contentment. It is always the classics like: one week at a time; he was a good player among many good players today; it is still along way to September (or the last Saturday in September if it was victory in a final) and we are not getting ahead of ourselves. The trick is also reversable. Their team could be winless at the bottom of the ladder, yet their demeanour shows hope and excitement about the future. Classics such as: it gives us a chance to draw a line in the sand and see who wants to step across it; rebuilding for the future is where we find ourselves; we have a great core of players that we can now mould a team around and I have the full backing of the Committee (This sometimes is a bad thing!) Such a range of talent makes the recently departed Sir John Gielgud look like a two bit extra in an Aussie soap in the acting stakes. Throw in quotes from Confucious to Shakespeare and you truly have an all round performer. What's more, their displays always occur under the lights and cameras of the aftermatch interview, halfway through a game or under the interviewing stare of Dermott, Eddie, Mike or Rex. Truly these guys can perform when under pressure. Never in the field of football conflict has so much talent been been shown by so few. Sincerely, Matt Cronin Peter Bell has a good party trick when on the mark. He jumps up and down like an aerobics intructor. I think Brent Harvey is trying it as well but he looks nowhere near as funny as when Belly does it. Michele Blight To the Coodabeen Champions, Gavin Wanganeen may been known as the rubber man, but there is another player who can send his thin frame into all sorts of contortions, thanks to his double jointed back. Number 18 at Essendon demonstrates this party trick at what the observer to the game of football would consider the most inappropriate time. Just as the ball is kicked long into the forward line, for Mr. Lloyd to mark, instead of watching the ball and attempting to mark, he decides it's time for his trick. To the untrained eye, ie. UMPIRES, this party trick may appear as if an opponent has shoved him unfairly in the back, as his back gives way and he goes crashing to the ground. But we all know this party trick is Mr Lloyd's impersonation of a over paid 2nd rate actor with a rope tied around his waist being dragged offstage (no offence intended).;> Regards, Greg "BOOTZ" Ross Kyabram Hey boys, The finest party trick I was never privvy to see was Peter Daicos at a mates wedding. Daics had probably downed too many vodka & oranges when he was heckled about wheather or not he still "Had it". Daics responded by grabbing the new mother in laws handbag, twisting and turning around the page boys, fended off the best man and, as the tongue came out, snapped the handbag between the drummer and piano accordian player. As the bag sailed through accordian height he let out a huge cry of WHHHHOOOOAAAAAAA. His second best trick was actually training. Go pies Steve Bain PS: I made that up in case Daics was worried he'd actually done it! Dear Simon Here's a few for you... (1) Surely the greatest party trick ever performed by a player occurred at what was then quaintly known a couple of years back as Kardinia Park . Daryn Cresswell had the locals heading home to their tractors when he put on a horror show on the members half forward flank at the Melbourne end. As if dislocating his left knee wasn't enough, he then proceeded to display his medical prowess by whavking it back into place. (2) Stewart Loewe reputedly has a field day on Easter Sunday. A very unfestive Loewey apparently is up at dawn collecting the Easter Bunny's good will from young neighbours front and back yards. His party trick, though, is that he can depart home without a bucket but return with 37 Eater Eggs all cradled in his right mitt!!!!! (3) Clive Waterhouse's party trick is taking a simple chest mark and kicking a set-shot goal from 20 metres !!!! (4) Daryl White is a walking, talking party trick !!! (5) Three players missed out on performing a party trick a few years ago when Adam Heuskes was still at the Swans. Heuskes and Teammate Dale Lewis lobbyed the club's recruiting staff heavily to get Port Adelaide's Stewart Dew to the club. The 3 of them could then have paraded as Hewey, Dewey and Lewey !!!!!! Mark Giuliano G'day boys, These party tricks occurred to me after watching that tense nailbiter between the Saints and Bombers at Colonial Fish Bowl on Friday night: Barry Hall - Big Bad Bazza must be the only player that can simultaneously take a one handed grab, head-butt his opponent and slag off at the umpire. A truly versitile player. Robert Harvey - The only player that chalks up a hard ball get and follows it up by performing the samba whilst threading himself through three opposition players. It is a little known fact that Banger practises these steps in the privacy of his own home with a book balanced on his head which explains the hairstyle! James Hird - His new Lillian Frank short back and sides reveal a maginicent set of earflaps. When he raises the AFL premiership cup aloft in September it will coordinate beautifully with his head that looks like the FA Cup. Neale James Simon, Some Party Tricks that can be performed by the players: 1. Glen Manton - Could do the disappearing Rusty Bolt on a wet and wintry day. 2. Nicky Winmar - the disappearing act between games. 3. Collingwood - the disappearing act in June. 4. Collingwood - the disappearing act in September. The best Party Trick of all, however, doesn't involve a disappearing act. It involves another famous Magic Trick. It's when Nick Daffy and Brad Ottens have had another hard day on the footy field, after the game they go out and turn into pubs!! Jason Potito My footballer is Glenn Archer His party trick is to use more swear words than "socially accepted" words in any one sentence when he conveys his disappointment to an umpire each week. A most difficult linguistic assignment!! Sean Marshall Hi guys: Even though he didn't play last week........ Even though he may have disappeared under 20 feet of snow in a remote and unihabited valley in the Himalayas......... Even though frostbite may have rendered him incapable of ever playing again............ Even though the inexorable tectonic plate movement may forever inter him under a kilometre of impermeable rock........ the ability, at the mere mention of his name, to reduce opposition fans to blubbering inconsolable depths of outraged frustration and despair has got to be the party trick of the century - nay the millenium! All hail Darren Bewick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cheers: Lyall O'Donoghue Dear Coodabeens, Party Trick One One which has for many years escaped the glare of the channel 7 cameras is the party trick employed by Micky Martyn. As he moves into position before the first bounce and just prior to shaking the hand of the opposing full forward, he turns his eyelids inside out and rolls the eyeballs upwards. Then he offers his hand to his opponent with a toothless grin. It frightens the absolute daylights out of young nancy boys like Matthew Lloyd. Watch out for it this week!! Party Trick Two Alastair Lynch has a neat little trick called the Western Bulldog, which he shows off for the fortunate few at parties. He stands in the living room with a football in one hand, holding it to the audience, while placing his other hand firmly around his own throat and squeezing tightly until he passes out, dropping unconscious to the floor. Gets a huge laugh, though it plays havoc with his CFS if he does it too often. Cheers Jack Brennan of Pascoe Vale Many players have their own party tricks but none so beautifully done and with such extensive use of power of the mind as Matthew Lloyd's 'Baby Fur Seal' impersonation. This complex trick is so effective that Umpires, Opposition Players, the Crowd and even the ball are used as pawns to unwittingly help the super star full forward in completing this glorious party trick. First of all I will explain what part each person/object plays in this trick. The opposition players, normally the Full Back takes on the persona of a hunter. The Umpire is a Green peace watchdog The Football is a safe haven, The Ground is a large slab of ice and Lloyd himself is a Baby Fur Seal. The Hunter (fullback)chases the baby Fur Seal (Lloyd)who is desperately searching for the safe haven (ball), the Hunters prime objective is to stop the Seal getting there. Fearing that he may be caught or hunted down and clubbed around the back of the head, the Cute baby fur seals slides on his tummy along the ice (ground) holding his flippers in front of him and with those big brown eyes, pleads for mercy with the Green Peace watchdog (Umpire) who reminds the hunter that by law, the Cute baby Fur Seal is a protected species and "You cant touch him!" and presents the hunter with an intervention order (free kick against him). The cute baby fur seal knows he's a protected species and will pull this trick at any given opportunity much to the disgust of those who would love to see Baby Fur Seals beaten (opposition supporters) but to the cheers and screams of the Baby Fur Seal Lovers (Essendon Supporters) Sometimes the Green Peace Watchdogs need Green Peace Guide Dogs as this magnificent party trick goes unrewarded but we know it wont be long before he tries it again and the correct decision is made, and rightly so may I add! From the 'Bump Terry Danihar up from King to God' Squad Kevin Nolan Simon, The St.Kilda Party Trick [Insert St Kilda player's name] kicks out after a behind and finds a St Kilda player. Paul Richards |
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