Competition 10 June 2000 - Channel 10's new Footy Show
Name the show, the host and give a one minute intro ala Letterman.
| Tonight, coming to you live from the visitors change rooms at Victoria Park.
It's "The Business End of the Season", with your host Tony "Plugger" Locket. For your musical entertainment we've got Happy Hammond leading all the boys from Trial by Video. And behind the bar and always ready with an inciteful quip or gag, Percy Jones and Ugly Dave Gray. Tonights guests include: David Spriggs, Chantelle Barry and wildlife expert Dr Harry with several different species of Richmond Supporter. And now the real reason football is a funny game: "PLUUUGGERRRR!!!!!!!" [Plugger arrives on stage to a loud fanfare, when he arrives at his spot he mimes drop punting for goal followed by leaning his body dramatically to the left as though riding the ball through.] "Good Evening and it's great to be here in the visitors change rooms on a Tuesday Night; and remember The Business End of the Season is always FIRST with all the Tuesday training injury updates. What a week it's been. How about the surface at Colonial? Apparently they had to re-lay it, and then re-lay the re-laid bit. Re-lay the re-laid bit? What are we talking about, Colonial or Sam Newman's allimony payments? Anyway they had to re-lay the re-laid bit with grass meant for the MCG, and now there's a grass shortage in Melbourne. In fact I've heard it's the biggest grass shortage Melbourne has experienced since Mary Delahunty left college. But what 's everybody complaining about, I mean do we really need grass to play footy? The way I've heard it is Wayne Harms was 27 rows onto the concrete and it didn't seem to put him off. Actually to present a balanced view on Colonial we tried to get Graeme Samuels on the show tonight to give his side of the story. The producers put in a huge effort to get him on the show too. In the end we decided to get someone a bit easier to find, so coming up after the break David Bagooki and Salman Rushdie. [More comedic leaning to the left to a drum roll from the band.] People say to me all the time, "Plugger you look so good! How do you do it?" [Direct to camera] Hey it could happen. [Direct to audience-member] Well it's more likely to happen to me than to you buddy. Anyway, while most people have got a fair idea about what's been going on, on top of my scone, I've developed the brand new Plugger diet guarenteed to help anyone's waistline. The secret is I only eat junk food when I'm at the footy.....I've still got 13 payments to go before I get my first pie. Actually I went to a party during the week, I went to Rodney Eade's place for his daughter's 21st birthday. I said to him "Rocket, I thought she was only 18." He said "So did I, but it turns out her great uncle was an umpire." But I shouldn't be bagging the umpires; actually a mate of mine tried to become an umpire. He did pretty good too, but failed on the final test before he was passed to umpire the AFL. Apparently his eyesight was just too good. But on with the show, coming up after the break a tribute to the big fish Paul Salmon on his 300th game. Live via satelite and EXCLUSIVE to "The Business End", we've got the cartlidge they took out of his knee all those years ago. We'll be right back. [Cut to commercial for "Charmed"] Chris Hardie Welcome to tonights series extravaganza opening as Channel 10 presents to you the all new AFWF (Australian Football Wrestling Federation) v WWF (World Wrestling Federation) encounter. This promises to be one of the great clashes of the millenium as tonight all fines and suspensions are out the door as the AFL heavyweights pit their ever improving wrestling skills against some of the Worlds greatest wrestlers in Series 1. Your commentators tonight include Bruce"special" McAvaney who will be abley supported with expert comments from Vince McMahon. Series 1 promises to match up some of the most colourful personalities from the wrestling world and AFL showgrounds. Program for the opening night includes: BOUT: Danny Southern v The Junkyard Dog TITLE: Animal Farm BOUT: Robbie Muir v The Missing Link TITLE: Close Encounters of the fourth kind BOUT: Sav Rocca v George the Animal Steal TITLE: The Hair Off BOUT: Justin Madden v Jesse the Body Ventura TITLE: The Seat Of Romsey BOUT: Shane Crawford v Mr.Wonderful Paul Orndorf TITLE: FIG JAM BOUT: Craig Kelly/Ricky Nixon v Captain Lu Albano/Classie Freddie Blassie TITLE: Club 10 show down BOUT: Scott Camporeale/Anthony Koutafides v Mario Milano/Spiros Arion(The Golden Greek) TITLE: The Homus off BOUT: Mick Nolan(the Galloping Gasometer) v Andre the Giant TITLE: VB and four and twenty off From Owen Lalor and Sal Avitable St.Bede's College Mentone DEAR SIMON, “The Politics of Footy” hosted by Peter Harvey. Peter’s opening address. (In deep, “Peter-like’ voice) It can be revealed exclusively to Channel Ten that the AFL, Colonial Stadium, the clubs and ticketing agencies have conspired to artificially provide entertainment material for the launch of “The Politics of Footy”. So every administrative bungle, each childish slanging match, the incredible form slumps and winning runs have all been pre–arranged to provide entertainment for our show. This will shed new light on recent bizarre events: - The Pies winning five in a row! - A modern $460million stadium attracting such poor publicity! - Ticketing problems! The tension between the AFL and some clubs should not cause anxiety – “It’s a joke!” admitted one club president. And Gerald Wakeley’s clash with Colonial security guard - well, it should all make sense now! The Bombers chipped in with their 1999 preliminary final effort. And the Colonial surface! Well, this is our ‘coup de GRASS’, if you will pardon (or, indeed, understand) the pun! For I will be on the spot to announce this scoop: Due to unsuitable surface for the August cricket matches, the Colonial stadium ROOF will be transferred to the MCG. And, FINALLY!, I will end my report without saying: “Peter Harvey, Canberra.” Doug Long Live from the heartland of football on the corner of Chapel St & Toorak Rd in South Yarra. The Football Show that pulls no punches and gives you all the gossip and behind the scenes news that makes the football world go 'round. The Football Show that defends more Supreme Court writs than any other Football Show. The Football Show that boasts some of the biggest names in the AFL.......Bromberg, De Wolde & Georgiades. The Football Show that provides exclusive actual footage of football matches to coincide with it's in depth analysis. As we discuss this weeks round of matches we will take a look at that epic Grand Final between Port Melbourne & Dandenong at the Junction Oval in 1976 exclusive to Channel 0. The Football Show that has the number one caller in the game - the timeless Phil Gibbs. The Football Show that has the teams first - in their expected line-up's. So, Ladies & Gentlemen, put your hands together and laugh and cheer spontaneously at the warm up guy to your left as we introduce to you "Tim Webster" and "Jackie McDonald", your hosts of "It's a Shirtfront". Craig Francis TITLE - WAYNE'S WORLD JINGLE - "Wayne's world,Wayne's world, It's footy time ,Excellent. LOCATION - A basement in a house in the outer eastern suburbs. HOST - Wayne from out at Wantirna (What do youse reckon ?) BLURB - "What are youse doin'. Welcome to my show where we're gunna be talkin' about all the footy stuff from this week. Tonight on the panel we's got Wayne Jackson who's gunna be tellin' us what else is goin' wrong out there at Colonel Stadium. What do you reckon? And Wayne Campbell from them Tiges is talkin' to Tommy Morley about them new Tiges drinkin' policy. Youse know what I'm sayin'. Have a few for us boys. And that Wayne who's name we can't mention is comin to talk about hair transplants. Anyways I've got a solution to that grass problem at Cornel's Stadium. I've got a mate who's got a mate who works at that Springvale Lawn Cemetry who can do youse AFL people a deal on some grass. He just needs to knock off some grass cutter for Sunday night. Youse don't reckon those footying boys will mind a few metal plates on the ground do you? Youse know what I'm sayin' eh ????? from Tina and Gemma Russo Mike Fordred Dear Coodabeens, Channel Ten's new footy show will be hosted by Robert Dipierdomenico and sponsored by Dimmeys and Forges. The show will be called "FOOTY ITALIAN STYLE" Dipper's rotating co-hosts will be Steve Silvagni, Tony Liberatore, Anthony and Sav Rocca. Format of the show is based on Ten's hit show "The Panel" and will involve the boys indulging in humorous repartee and casual, quick-witted banter as they review the topical events from the funny world of football. Resident Channel Ten personality, Ian 'Molly' Meldrum, while acting as token Aussie 'skip' will stand behind the spaghetti bar and throw unscripted, ascerbic one-liners to the co-hosts throughout the show. In his monologue, 'Let it rip Dip', Dipper's opening catch cry will be "I was born to host my own footy show." Dear Coodabeens. I have been worried for several years that the 10 network would produce a footy show out of Sydney with the sports Guru of the network Tim Webster as host. The show would no doubt be called "Football Tonight" with the moto if it happend in footy today then see it on Footy Tonight. My real concern with all this is not necessary the concept but rather, and I do not wish to be critical here, the content of the opening as Tim often makes mistakes when refering to our great game. Consider this week for example. " Welcome Aussie Rules Lovers and what a day it has been in footy. Firstly the turf at the new "Bank Of Melbourne Stadium" has been declared fit by the Captain of the Essendon Tigers, John Hird. After completing a thorough workout on the recently sewn cooch grass Hird was quotes as saying that he looked forward to tacking the West Coast Hawks in a game that would determine who would remain at the top of the division. Meanwhile Paul "the shark" Salmon is to be congratulated for being the first VFA/AFA player to reach the milestone of playing 300 games. The former Demon player has suprised many of his ability to play as a rover following his fine performances as a goal attack player with the Essendon club. Former coach Mike Sheehan had nothing but praise for the "great white shark" saying that has given new meaning to the term roving with his ability to lead, mark and kick. As for me I wish him all the bset but must admit I wont be sorry to see him line up for several minutes preparing to kick a try through the 2 small posts. But all the best shark for what has been a wonderful career. I am Tim Webster. Cut to footage all the best Andy Robertson Entry By: Travis Bull Channel ten version of the footy show would have to be a talk show like rikki lake or Jerry Springer. The show would be: "Hudson" The first minute of the program would sound a little like this: "Welcome to Hudson, I'm your host Paul Hudson, Over the past few weeks we've had some great shows from "I wear womens clothes even when I am not at a players review" to "I wasn't in the nightclub" to "it may look like me but it's not mine" to "Club discards reunite with the people who sacked them 3 weeks on" to last weeks self healing teary show "I'll never be as good as my dad it's just not bloody fair". But this weeks program promises to be even better. Let's join our 2 guests tonight Dean Wallace and Jimmy Stynes as we discuss "We cost our teams grand finals we just wanna say were sorry" Dear boys, Here is my idea for the new channel 10 tv show... Title of the show to be Jacko and Wazza (Mark Jackson and Warwick Capper) Here's how it works They come out to the music of Psuedo Echo Crowd cheers Thanks boys Hoggy (aka Michael Hogg) p.s. another new theme song, Collingwood to the tune of the Sakata ad COLL-ING-WOOD COLL-ING-WOOD COLL-ING-WOOD COLL-ING-WOOD COLL-ING-WOOD Dear Simon, The new football show on Channel 10 is called "If Only" and is hosted by Jim Stynes. Being Irish makes you entertaining from the start, just look at that guy Sean "Whats his Name" from Almost Anything Goes. Jim opens the show with the following monologue. Tim Webster failed the audition when at he introduced the Melbourne Tigers legend Roy David Barassi. Welcome to another week of "If Only" where again, along with 50% of the football following public we say : If Only Ashcroft had taken one less step and kicked long from outside 50 and Justin Leppitsch's short pass had found it's target, the Lions would have won at Colonial on Friday night. On the subject of Colonial, it has been announced that GST will not apply at the new stadium, that's because its no good and you get no service. If Only the Eagles hadn't lost Michael Gardiner with an elbow injury, the Eagles would of won. Mind you, it has been rumoured a long distance call from South Africa was received in the Eagles dressing room at half time. If Only the St Kilda/Hawthorn game was played at Colonial on Saturday night the Saints would have recorded their second win. Now that games have been transferred from Colonial, SOCOG are interested in the venue, with the protests at Bondi they are looking for somewhere to host the Beach Volleyball. If Only Ben Beams hadn't broken his arm. Jeff Farmer wouldn't have come back onto the ground and Collingwood wouldn't have lost their ninth straight match. Speaking of Collingwood, I hear they are reworking an old Queen song as their new Club song, "A Crazy Little Thing Called Winning". Actually Queen songs work well with Collingwood, you could also have "We Aren't the Champions", "Another One Bites the Dust", "Under Pressure" and "Playing Like Fat Bottomed Girls. If Only Koutoufides had already gone to Sydney, Geelong would have beaten Carlton. If Only the rain had started again at ? time, the Swans would have inflicted Essendon's first defeat. With another loss, Rodney Eade has a headache with what to do with the team, but don't worry the players have chipped in and have given him an endless supply of Panadol. If Only Fremantle had made being competitive compulsory, they would have stopped Adelaide getting into the eight And finally, If Only Duncan Kellaway, Richardson, Merenda, Harrison, Rombotis and Rogers had been fit and played against the Doggies, the second string Tigers wouldn't being playing so well and the Doggies would have won. But, then again Tiger fans would be stating the same "If Only" if they had lost. Because "If Only" Duncan Kellaway, Richardson, Merenda, Harrison, Rombotis and Rogers had been fit and played against the Doggies they wouldn't have to rely on the second string Tigers and a full strength tiger team would have won. John Treseder (trying again) Simon, An obvious name for this new channel Ten show would be the (un-name-ables)but this would only work if number 18 for North Melbourne and 'Mr I give a clinic every week cause I feel like it' hosted the show. The one minute could Intro could go as follows; Live from the Studio's of channel Ten for the first time,the moment you've all been waiting for, we welcome the unmovable mountain, the King of Colossal, he wears the number 18, he is the North Melbourne footy club. With him is the God from Greece, the Brownlow medalist for the year 2000, it's Mr Coaching Clinic from Carlton.This is the (un-name-ables)!!! (APPLAUSE) (After this the AFL theme song 'Stand Tough' starts playing as the two players walk out on to the set and contest a marking contest. P.S OR it could be hosted by ANYONE EXCEPT DERMOTT BRERETON!!! Peter Williamson CHANNEL 10'S NEW TV SHOW "COPS - FOOTY'S FUNNIEST POLICE VIDEOS" SYNOPSIS - A fly on the wall documentary using real and re-enacted footage. HOSTS - Det.Constable Rex Hunt - Constable Emmett Dunne - Senior Sergent Allan Jeans - Homicide - style detective John Kennedy - Undercover cop Adam Hueskes BLURB - "Tonight we ask the tough questions- Why does Brett Rattan get 30 touches a game and noone notices any of them. Adam Heuskes goes undercover at Carlton to find out who really is coaching them. We re-enact the scene in Coach Frawley's bedroom when he receives a 5a.m. phone call from Brad Ottens- find out what was really said and look away if you are offended by a Spud in his pyjamas. Our hidden cameras visit live at Crown casino to see which team is playing there tonight. We speak to a night club bouncer who has given out a few 50m penalties, and Winston Abraham is interviewed by Jack Little. We go on the end of year flight on Qantas with the Western Bulldogs, and we play a round of golf at Cape Schank with the Magpies. And the late breaking news is that the Adelaide crows have finally been charged over the theft of two premierships in the 90's. from Paul Russo/John Clements (3366 Faction) C'mon Simon we want to win............ Hi Simon, Get this into ya! The new Channel 10 show should be called 'Miming Footy' and be hosted by Humphrey B. Bear (and Ozzie Ostrich as his sidekick) Opening monologue: Humphrey: 20 seconds of inane tap dancing in circles to equally inane music. Ozzie: Hey Big Fella, what do you think about the Western Bulldog's belly-aching all week about losing money at the Docklands? Humphrey: (turns to audience and pretends to cry) Ozzie: That's right, they're thinking of renaming the stadium 'The Lost Dogs Home'. Humphrey: (holds sides and laughs) (Humphrey whispers in Ozzie's ear) Ozzie: You want to play charades? Humphrey: (Nods enthusiastically and starts going ballistic, giving an imaginary 'spray' to someone) Ozzie: Let me guess. It's Daryl White ordering his lunch. What's that big guy? Seems he's been to the Robbie Muir school for stimulating dinner time conversation? Steady ... What else you got for us? Humphrey: (Drops jacket and runs through the audience naked with a St Kilda flag.) Ozzie: Let me guess, you're a losing streak. Humphrey: (claps loudly and nods enthusiastically at embarrassed audience member) Ozzie: What about those Tigers, Mr No Pants? Humphrey: (begins to limp around the stage) Ozzie: They're celebrating at Tigerland this week, not because of the great win against the Bulldogs but because it's the first week this year no-one's been hurt. And what about the Wizard? Did you see him? Nine goals in a half. Humphrey: Pretends to take speccies and kick goals from impossible angles. Then flaps arms and pretends to fly away. Ozzie: You're right my hairy-backed friend. Magpie fans missed the show because they'd already left at half-time when the game was over. Humphrey: 20 seconds more dancing Other show segments include: Street mime Almost footy mimics But the most popular segment by far is the imaginary handball competition - 7, 7, 10, 5, 7 Jeff Salton Title: Corporate Corner Hosted by Graeme Samuel Good evening and welcome to Corporate Corner The show for the millionaires who really run football (now starts eddie mcguire style) Well hasn't it been a big week in the football industry - Kerry Packer lets slip his impending IPO over a frisky little tuscan appertif ! - Tv ratings increase as 2 more country leagues fold !,br> And in tonights regular segments: - Corporate shenenigans as Melbourne serve white wine instead of red at their presidents luncheon !! - Our spycam catches hilarious scenes at the Vodfafone team and the Pura Milk team as they try to balance theoir books follwing their move to colonial stadium But now to the lineups SAT NIGHT AT WORLDS BEST PRACTICE - COLONIAL STADIUM Pumpkin soup ; Beef stronganof ; antipasta (what a performance there two weeks ago) ; margaret river red (could be in for some awards later in the year) and chocolate mousse after the break ins and outs at the presidents tables Enjoy the show every week James McKenzie Dear Simon and Coodabeens, The idea I have for the TV show is as Follows: Hosted by Wayne Harmes and Robbie Kerr and Called 'Wayne/Kerr in the Outer' (Voice over man speaks over video highlights of both players careers.) Played X amount of games for the Mighty Blues, Champion Defender Wayne Harmes, Played x amount of games for the Pies now AFL players Chief Executive Robbie Kerr, together they are 'Wayne/Kerr in the Outer' (Jackson and Kerr come on ala Tony Barber and are straight into it.) (Harmes)Hello and Welcome to Wayne/Kerr in the Outer. (Kerr....asking quizzically) isn't that where you were , in the outer, when you knocked that ball back to Sheldon to win the GF Harmsy? (Harmes) Depends who's asking, do you follow Collingwood or Carlton? (Kerr) Collingwood! (Harmes) Yup, I was in the outer then! (cue canned laughter) (Harmes) Tonight we are going to catch up with St Kilda CEO Don Hanley who's going to tell us about Justin Plapp getting off his kneeing charge but apparently he has had a 2nd charge levelled by the St Kilda Supporters.......Time wasting....theirs! (cue canned laughter) , The St Kilda CEO is going to tell us why they want all their reports to go to the ARL Judiciary instead of the AFL Tribunal. (Kerr............Feigning shock) The boys up there only get 2 weeks for a blue when down here you would get life! (Harmes) Also we catch up with Winston Abraham who has had a Nursery Rhyme dedicated to him. (Kerr) I have a copy of that Wayne, it goes like this Wee Winnie Abraham, Runs through the Crown, Upstairs near the Cinema, When he hit the ground. Running off to Perth Avoiding all the Cops Now he's back in favour with the match committee, after being dropped! (apologies to the writer of Wee Willie Winkie) (Harmes) Also later tonight, Smokin' Joe Misiti and Anthony Koutafides square off in "Battle of the Bodies", Music from our Band 'McGuire Free Zone' Our look back into history at all the Brownlow Winners Dates, which one was the best looker? ( (Camera fades back as the boys go a little kick to kick with background music) Thanks Guys Have a great Show Regards Kevin Nolan Dear Simon, Here we go again. My entry this week is as follows: PRESS RELEASE Channel 10 are proud to announce our new footy show to be hosted by Billy J Smith and the name of the show is 'Almost AFL Goes'. Channel 10 is well aware of the fact that AFL has been lost to the traditional supporter base over the past few years so we are keen to bring footy back to the people. We are keen to have audience participation and what better way to do this than by using our traditional home of television, in the forgotten eastern suburbs of Melbourne, the Nunawading studios in Springvale Road. Enclosed are 10 free tickets to the opening show to be held next week at 6.30pm on Sunday night - (we have finally found a show to replace the Wonderful World of Disney). OPENING MONOLOGUE (Billy J runs into the grounds of Channel 10 studios accompanied by the Marching Girls from Almost Anything Goes - unfortunately they are the same girls / now women from the original show) Hello to all you footy fans out there (canned applause is heard) and a big welcome to all our viewers across the channel 10 network, and various community television stations taking our telecast (It is that cold that Billy's breath can be seen) Well what a HUGE week it has been in football. We have finally got footy back for the grass roots supporters and isn't it great to see the stands so full here tonight (view of temporary grandstand full of various Apex clubs shown). Variety is the key to success with any television program and that is what we are going to give you tonight. Here to help me ladies and gentlemen is the doyen of football supporters, the one, the only, FIONA MCDONALD. Fiona, what do you think about all this tonight. 'FIONA (Wearing a rugby jumper)' - Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee 'BILLY' Isn't she great. And over by the pool we've got one of the most intelectual characters in Footy, Warwick Capper !!!(view of the Clark above ground 20m by 10m swimming pool with steam rising in the cold July night) 'WARWICK' (Spoken at an unintelligible pace) - Er hi Billy it's great to be here at the home of football and at a place where I began my acting career back in Neighbours when I was at my peak of popularity but just before I brought out my hit record and before I got caught up with that Whacko Jacko and about the time that the Doctor and Leanne were flying around in the pink helicopter and driving around in the ferrari and ..................... 'BILLY' OK thanks Warwick - isn't he great folks!!! Now over to Jimmy Stynes to introduce the games that we have coming up later in the show (Jimmy Stynes, wearing the obligatory Jesters hat, in demons colours, is the obvious person to explain the games as the former games explainer (that is a technical description) Irishman Sean someone or other, has dissappeared off the face of the earth. Of course no-one will have an idea of what Jimmy is saying) Over the next 10 minutes all the favourites are reintroduced for the audience such as - The greased pole complete with pillows in AFL team colours - Of course, the team concept is introduced with the APEX clubs representing the different AFL teams - The Joker makes it's long awaited comeback for double points - The slippery slide gets a rest from the Showgrounds - The foam giants (upgraded in team colours) make an appearance And the list goes on. I look forward to your kindest consideration Matt Cronin I've had a couple of ideas, but I'll only try to flesh out one for the full minute. First up is a show called "Bung,drawn and Quarters". It features Dunstall (poached from 7 who was poached from 9) and Steve Quartermain. The third presenter is (due to funding constraints) a drawn caricature of a football personality (not necessarily a player but probably relating to the news of the prev week) with 'voicing' done by John Blackman. Hence you can imagine Sheeds sounding like Mrs McGillicuddy etc. Second thought is for a lifestyle footy show (cooking recipes for/from the players etc) with the host being "Belvedere" from Berts morning show. It could be called "Good Evening, Footy Fans" and the whole show would be presented in rhyme. There will be a resident comic (A la Marmalade) and current favourite is Big Kev as he's guaranteed a laugh just from his shirts. (and the promos can talk about them having the biggest Kevin in Footy "we're excited"). But the best chance to take off is a show hosted by the doyen of talking (teleprompter) TV heads, Timmy Webster. The show would open with a 'Bewitched' style start ("60's music) and a cartoon animated Timmy walking in front of a big "The Panel" sign. He scratches his head, then starts pushing the word "Panel" away from "The". He then writes the word "Footy" in between, before a close-up of his face, where he winks at the camera and his eyes/teeth sparkle. It then goes live to the studio. "Good evening, footy fans, what a big seven days it's been in Australian Rules Football (As he would also host similar shows for Rugby, Soccer - and a Gridiron version for Channel 31)" What about Colonial, I hear they've merged with the Commonwealth. To discuss this topic in depth, tonight we'll have players such as A Rocca and A Kellaway (looks offscreen and says "shouldnt that be An Kellaway??)and former players Representative D. Metriou. We're also breaking a story that's just come in from the sub-continent. There are amazing claims that Gavin Crosisca is being paid to sit in the reserves, obviously as part of a gambling syndicates' plan to ensure Collingwood continue to lose after their great start. All that and more, tonight on The Footy Panel." That's it, do with them what you will. P.S: I've been singing the Pies theme song to "U.S. Forces" all week and it works. If I can find a tape recorder with operational microphone I'll send you a copy" Yours in Footy, Pete Minahan Coodabeen's Sorry I missed the show last week but I saw the comp on the website and realised that this is Mick Molloy's perfect foray to once again take the television world by storm. The show would be called "The World's Wildest, Wackiest, Funniest Football Show". . This way it can easily be passed off as another short term sunday night project when ratings fail to impress. Obviously the star of the show would be Molloy however he would be accompanied by Channel 10's most noted sports personality 'Barry Sheen', along with the special guest each week which will be a model (preferably American) just so that you know that you're still watching channel 10. As all AFL players are contracted to Eddie and Dermot this problem will be overcome by that guy who did the drawings on 'Guess What' and 'Hey Hey'. I haven't seen the Letterman show so I'm not sure what sort of intro you are after but here are some features of the show, - Molly Meldrum's Hit of the week (Tigerland, featuring 'The Big Man Who Travels By Train' on the Tuba) - Kick to Kick with Toadie down at Ramsey St. - Barry's analysis of who will make the Grand Final (motorcade). - Iain Hewitson's guest appearance making Baguette's at colonial. - 2 minute segment with Steve Q discussing a game known as Australian Rules Footy. Darren Parkville (PS; Have you seen the ad on channel 10 where they need a studio audience for a new sitcom? I think Tony should go along because having that distinctive laugh come over every time a joke is made is just what channel 10 needs to boost the ratings. PPS: Uni Blacks rule the ammo's section D2) Gentlemen Title: "That's Ambitious" Host: Dennis Commetti (An ornament to sporting commentary eg: "Klim, releases the Thorpedo, let's check the splits") Opening minute would go something like this, with Dennisisms in capitals: "Welcome NOW to That's Ambitious, I'm Dennis Commetti Despite the SENSE OF THEATRE, we are under no false pretences here at Ten. Like a CORK IN THE OCEAN, we know we have been UNDER SIEGE from our rivals, and have been SET A TASK to come up with something CENTREMETRE PERFECT that wins ratings, so I have EMERGED OUT OF THE CONGESTION to be your host this year, because as Ten will FIND, I'm NORMALLY GOOD IN THIS SITUATION. I THOUGHT ABOUT staying at Seven, and I'm aware this move COULD BE EXPENSIVE, but with rumours of a clean out at Seven next year, there will be LOOSE MEN EVERYWHERE, SEARCHING FOR OPTIONS, so WITH SPACE NOW, welcome to season 2001. It's BEEN BUSY so far, so now that we are ON THE OVERLAP, let's GO INBOARD and RELEASE our expert panel for the year: Sam Kekovich..............."FULL-CHESTED" (to which Sam would respond "I take umbrage to that Dennis") Tim Webster.................."THIS IS RELENTLESS" Bill Ferg............................"AGAINST THE TIDE" And what an INTERESTING week its been in football........" Oliver Kysela Yarra Valley Old Boys On the way to Chaddy in a 1984 Corolla, vs Salesians, a trip fraught with danger The Footy Panel Hosted by Tim Webster...............who else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big intro..........voiceover introduces The Footy Panel,trendy guitar music.........live from the car park at the MCG Hi ,I'm Tim Webster and welcome to The Footy Panel tonight, live from the MCG car park here in Sydney. And in a packed programme tonight,we'll be introducing you to St George president Andrew Plumpton who has some interesting things to say about Homebush stadium,and the teething problems associated with the Saints start to the season. I'll also be joined by our regular panellists, a 16 year old honey from Neighbours who has been in the show for two weeks who will keep us up to date with anything but football. Also Sandra Sully will have an array of Channel 10 stars who'll drop by from the Channel 10 marquee. So, we'll be concentrating on everything social about footy, just like our Melbourne Cup coverage where anything but the racing takes priority. We'll have the teams for you,most of them after we've finished as we'll have so much crap about fashions in the stand,with Annette Allison and Peter Jago will be out checking out the beanies,and all the colour and fashion and drunkeness that is football. you get the drift........................especially one T.Leonard There other show is already on every Wednesday at 9.30 Hosted by Tom Gleisner, with Glenn Robbins, Rob Sitch, Kate Langbroek and some imported septic comic. Like the racing coverage,it will/has no worthwhile coverage of anything to do with the main subject,in this case football. OR......................a la DEE TV on Channel 31............................... Tiger TV Hosted by the former Club President, the New Alan Bond I seek to be forgiven I seek the support of the Tiger supporters I seek your financial backing for my new yacht for the next America's Cup challenge I seek every boss give you a public holiday tomorrow,or he's a mug I seek the financial backing of sponsors for this new show I seek the support of shareholders of Bell Resources as sponsor for the Tigers I seek Swan Lager to be the official brew of the "Liquorland " Tigers I seek to invite Paul Barry onto the show as a special guest I seek to locate my memory of those two and a half years when I had Alzheimer's I seek to remember who the hell is Paul Barry I seek Paul Barry's business card that I spat on and stomped into the pavement It's been a while,but The Enrico Misso Appreciaton Society has discovered the website address................ Regards, David McNiece Dear Simon, This is the Footy Show I'd like to see. BLANKETY FLANKS - hosted by Ugly Dave Gray. "Hello, what a good-looking audience. Except you sir with no teeth - must be a Collingwood fan (boomboom) We don't get many Collingwood fans here because they have to be able to read signs to find the place. (boomboom) You know they're calling Collingwood the Kournikovas. Truly. Not coz of their looks - coz they've gone so long without winning anything. (boomboom) But don't worry magpie fans - treat it like swimming in the bay off Werribee - just carry on undeTERRED (boomboom) And look on the bright side. According to The Bible, Collingwood'll inherit the earth. (boomboom) But they're loyal those Magpie fans. Take my mother-in-law. PLEASE! (boomboom) She's so loyal, every year she goes to the last game ever at Victoria Park. She's been to 6 of them. (boomboom) Last night she says, Dave, why's there no last game at Vic park this year? I said, you SILLY cow, they played the LAST last game last year. She says well they should've told the media. (boomboom) So now she just sits round the house. And my mother-in-law's so fat that, when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house. (boomboom) I told her she should start barracking for Richmond. With their injuries, they're just like her favourite show, Days of Our Lives. You know, "The part of Darren Gaspar is now being played by Duncan Kellaway. The part of Duncan Kellaway is now being played by Leon Cameron" (boomboom) Unbelievable. Thought I'd do the right thing, phoned up to buy her a membership. Their messagebank answers and says the admin all have hammys and can't answer the phone for 4 weeks. (boomboom) So I got her a video instead - that one with those tough blokes who once were warriors but are now mere shadows of their former glory. It was called Once Were Saints. (boomboom) Anyway she says she can't watch the video because lately she's been seeing spots before her eyes. I said have you seen a doctor? She says no, just spots. (boomboom) Ladies and Gentlemen, have we got a show for you tonight..... I had to leave out all my Colonial jokes because they come under the category of "new material". Regards, Stuart McArthur Title: THE SENSIBLE FOOTBALL PROGRAM Host: STEPHEN QUARTERMAIN "Hello and welcome to The Sensible Football Program, a football program that presents Australian Rules Football in a professional and sensible manner. This show has NO past football greats going on about how good THEY used to be. There are NO current players mumbling and giggling from behind their Gucci ties. There is no HISTORICAL footage from the good old days, nor is there repeat footage from last weekend's action to bore you. That's right, all you get is sensible editorial discussions - such as player loyalty and the big bucks they chase; like John Barnes, a man who turned his back on the club that made him who he is, in the pursuit of a Premiership, a man who quickly and conveniently forgets his roots and some how ends up leading the best team in town and is now the GOLD LOGIE favourite....ohh umm, sorry. Well take a break now and after we will be discussing what The Sensible Football Show will be doing to stem the inherent violence in the game; unlike other SHOWS who seem to promote violence and bask in the glory of their bare-knuckled victories on the big arena; well where were they when Jean Claude Van Damm was chatting up my wife. Who was the one who stood toe to toe and said "This is my town pal?!!!" Let's see how tough they really are!!!!!! Uuummmm, back after this commercial break." Glenn Rogers The name of the channel 10 footy show doens't need a name because it won't be heard of, but for the sake of good humour and competition, i have named it The channel 10 footy panel show and it will be hosted by Judge Judith Schiendlin First Show introduction Good evening, welcome to the channel 10 Footy Panel Show, please be seated. Well what a week, Dated Saturday 10 june 2000 to Saturday 17 June 2000 it has been for the associaition named the Australian Football League in which case 2046 'Neglegence leading to an unsafe working place', Colonial Stadium c/o Australian Football League and Multinational Venue Management has had. Later we hear from the Plaintiffs, Players Union, associated clubs, Stkilda members and supporters, general public, save waverley commitee and the labor government and the defendent Wayne Jackson, 46, South Australia, shit stirring naive boss of the Australian Footbal League, who claims no alleged involvement on the loss of waverley park or being able to answer a question straight out! We also hear from North Melbourne Player, name witheld regarding his defence of case 9696 of assault, we also view file footage of the new segment Alleged Footy Legends. Pause Call boys behind the bars Call boys behind the bars Richmond players, Nick Daffy and Brad Ottens..... From Julian Toohey |
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