Competition - 22 July 2000
The buzz phrase for the AFL this season is 'the process'.
What IS the process?
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"The Process" is "the ultimate excuse" after scraping the barrell for excuses to douse speculation that "the club is gone". Club coaches and presidents use the following model when answering the question: How do you explain today's performance? 1. Is the team in a better position than at the same time last year? Yes: Team has officially improved, supported by facts. Sufficient excuse for poor performance. No: Continue 2. Is it still mathematically possible to make the 8? Yes: Season is still alive. Criticism unwarranted. We like being written off, that's when we play our best footy. No: Continue (note: still have a mandate to "shape the 8") 3. Was the side ravaged by a mystery virus during the week? Yes: Just unlucky. In fact, we are proud of the boys getting as close as they did under the circumstances. No: Continue 4. Did the opposition have a day out at the office that was totally unexpected? Yes: Have to give credit to the opposition. I just think they wanted it a bit more than us today (must say with upward inflection). No: It's all just part of the process. Oliver Kysela Yarra Valley OB v Kew, Traditional Rivals. '84 Corolla threatening 200,000km milestone, and still he goes. Greetings Simon The Process is the method by which coaches, players and commentators extrabolate a meaningless statement to prove a point. Gerard Healy is the master of the process. He will dutifully explain why a teams midfield is so efficent at moving a ball forward after they have won the game. The next week, when the same side loses, it was the midfield's inefficency that caused it and this has happened consistantly all year. They win, their efficient and the best in the league. They lose and their inefficent and probably around the middle compared to other sides. often times, a side wins because of their tall timber. the tall timber will have kicked the same number of goals, taken the identical marks to the previous week, but if they have lost, then they havent performed. Its kinda like the old "process" that the bloke that gets the 3 votes has to be a player from the winning side. Coaches use the process to justify why a player underperformed. If a guy takes an average of 5 marks a game, he needs to "take the next step and double his marking" the process in this instance is a psychological one to get the player to think about marking the pill. The next week he takes 10 marks but the coach will berate his inability to pass acurately. The next week, he concentrates on his kicking ( its a hard thing for a footy player to concentrate on multiple things at once. Thats what makes the good players so good.Or am I just being a tad harsh?) and doesnt mark enough. "the process" this week has him playing whilst the dew is still on the grass in the magoos! Players use "the process" to pick up chicks at nightclubs! Regards Phil Benedick THE PROCESS The process reminds me of the old TV show, Milton the Monster. Especially the opening song: "Six drops of essence of terror, Five drops of sinister sauce ... And now for a touch of tenderness, But I must use only a touch. For without a touch of tenderness It might destroy me. Oops, too much ... This, I believe, is The Recipe of an AFL club, of which THE PROCESS is an integral part. How it works ... Coterie members, supporters, numerous committees, psychologists, solicitors, everyone involved in the club - including players - are the ingredients. The Coach and match committee gather all the Ingredients and stuff them into a giant mincer. This mixing is called THE PLAN. At the end of The Season the squiggly twisted bit that comes out the end of the mincer is called THE PRODUCT. Like Milton the Monster's creator, you never know what you're gonna get until the end. Oh, and of course the giant mincer is actually called THE PROCESS. Hence the term, we're going through THE PROCESS. Which translates into "We have no idea what kind of season we're having until it's over." JEFF FROM KILSYTH A process is a management buzzword to describe something that is happening now whether you want it too or not. AAA Kangaroos - An Apparel Rationalization process linked to a Service and Funding negotiation process. In much the same way some girls in St Kilda do. Essendon - Premiership Automation Process (PAP). This is being done in conjunction with the media (They) which would explain the high PAP content that dominates the sports pages. Carlton - A Salary Cap breach investigation process. Due to start as soon as the ink on the Kouta deal is dry. Hawthorn - A highrise refurbishment process. Replacing one aging tall struture with a suspect foundation with another (if the Rehn deal goes through) Bruce Hardie The Process SCENE : St.Kilda rooms pre match Coach Watson addresses his players :" As I've said all week boys we have to put last week's 200 point loss behind us. Just focus on the process that we have been following all year. We need to keep heading in the direction we as a group set as our objective this year. Focus on the positives from last week's game, for example on the up grade Ansett gave us on the flight from Perth that has assisted us in our recovery. For today's GAMEPLAN my message is simple. It's the same successful formula we have followed all year in fulfilling the process. Stick to your MATCHUPS Obey TEAM RULES Apply SCOREBOARD PRESSURE Avoid U-TURNS, especially in built up areas. Leave the doors of the CORRIDOR opened. Seasonally adjust your 1%'s to the GST. And remember, it's only a game - have fun and enjoy yourselves. ON A SIMPLER NOTE : ESSENDON'S PROCESS- Get up on the morning of the match. Go to ground. Win game by end of first quarter. Play down significance of 21st win. Go home. St. Kilda process - Get home from nightclub on the morning of the match. Go to ground. Lose game by end of first quarter. Play down significance of 21st loss. Go home. Richmond process - Play game. Winning or losing largely irrelevant. Go out clubbing after match. Get drunk, have fight, ring coach(at ungodly hour), miss next game. From Paul Russo/John Clements (3366 faction) "THE PROCESS" - Eight of the best The Process is a new alcoholic drink which is drunk by many Richmond players at Twister nightclub. It can only be purchased after 2.00 am and it contains contreau, bicardi, midori, sambuca, gatorade and at the bottom of the glass is Danny Frawley's phone number. The Process is something undertaken by player managers at this time each season. It involves leaking made up information to the media about one of their star players leaving their club in an attempt to inflate the players monetary value prior to signing a new contract. The Process is what David Parkin does during each week to allow Wayne Brittain to coach on match days. The Process only occurs at Geelong on match days. It involves the property steward asking all Geelong players to empty their handbags of valuables and taking off any jewellery so he can keep them in a safe place during the match. The Process is something Jason Cripps, Mark Merenda and Stephen Tingay have been going through to overcome long term injuries in recent years. The Process is something that Mick Malthouse forgot to bring with him when he left the West Coast Eagles. The Process takes two to three years to complete. It involves moving state to another AFL club, gaining and losing ten kilograms on several occasions, changing your hairstyle and hair colour regularly, being the coaches favourite and least favourite player, being an All Australian player one year and then playing in the twos the next. The only player to master this is Adam Heuskes. The Process is the name of Tim Watson's book on coaching. It is can only be purchased from the two dollar shop. Sly of East Malvern Dear Ian The offical AFL line of "The Process" is ensuring that we have a fair competition that all football fans can attend and enjoy (unoffically as long as we can offer corporate sponsership that far exceeds what it costs for a premium ticket for the rich to go to the olpymics and more importantly it fits in with Channedl Sevens scheduling and does conflict with other sporting contracts and that the footy fan will miss out) Rosanne Monahan The "PROCESS" us the layman's term for "THE FORMULA" Each club has their formula planned based on many factors, such as previous years performance, class of player personnel and varing other factors. Please refer the follow examples of a "Process" or "Formula's" for different types of clubs NO 1 Used by Carlton & Essendon & to a lesser degree West Coast Eagles & Adelaide 
No 2 Used by Bulldogs, Geelong, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Kangaroos, Hawthorn & Richmond 
NO 3) Used by St Kilda, Fremantle, Port Adelaide & Collingwood 
All the best, Jason North Coodabeens, Team: Hawthorn Process: Cloning It is begun with Trent Croad, who closely resembles the way Peter Kinghts used to play, with plenty of dash. The blonde rinse of Douge, Crimmins, Bremner, Knights is being cloned by Tallis, Piciaone, Bowyer and Crawford. We now just need to find clones for Dipper, Dermie, The Rat, Bunghole, the Freak, Tucky and Bucky. Could be a long process. Alan Colvin The only person that's used "The Process" ad nauseum is Tim Watson, who has proven by his outstanding coaching record that whatever"the process" is, he's the only one who knew what was "The Process" and is currently in "the process" of leaving AFL coaching. David McNiece Enrico Misso Appreciation Society. Dear all Coodabeens, congratulations on a great CD, we bought a couple of copies earlier this week and have had a good laugh. I have also put out a bit of advertising on the Essendon and North Melb web sites for others to grab a copy. Well, thats the sucking up done so heres this weeks entry. The Process at Windy Hill has been in place since early pre season. The Process is the implementaTION of the Buzz Word at Bomber land which is 'TION' (pronounced shon) The process wasto use the word 'TION' in as many instances as possible to lead us to a premiership. So we started with Hirdy and Lucas' rehabilitaTION, then a solid preparaTION, starting with winning the pre season competiTION in relatively easy fashION (thats a stretch) Then to start the season with an obliteraTION of another team in the naTION, followed by a dominaTION due to the applicaTION of the players determinaTION over the rest of the competiTION. Mid year we honour a player , Boris, with a club funcTION where the players are allowed some relaxaTION before compleTION of their missION (another stretch). The finals will be greeted with anticipaTION and desperaTION and if we suffer no real complicaTION or distracTION, we should find that our evaluaTION of our opposiTION should finish with the presentaTION of the premiership medallIONS(Real stretch) How ever, if we should fail from our present posiTION, we will suffer not only humiliaTION and denigraTION on every radio and televisION staTION and the print media in their compilaTIONs, but there will uprising of facTIONs, not to mention our opposiTIONs satisfacTION so believe me when I say that this club now means acTION! Hopefully this plan will be carried out to all Bomber supporters satisfacTION. Kevin Nolan "The Process" "The Process" is a term used to describe the phenomenon whereby certain terms and practices, originally used by AFL clubs, coaches and commentators, filter down through suburban and country football, eventually becoming commonplace at all levels of the game. This phenomenon is also known as the "Monkey See, Monkey Do" principle. To give an example: A television commentator, e.g. Dermott Brereton may say during the course of a match: "We see here Rioli getting front and square at the contest..." The following week a coach in the West Gippsland league will be overheard saying, "Right Jacko, I want you front and square at all times." Jacko will reply,"O.K.," despite having no idea what "front and square" actually means, if anything. Similarly a bemused 400 game veteran wingman will be told to "run through the lines" and a pimply half back flanker will be apprised of the need to "be accountable." "The Process" can be seen in effect in other areas. It is currently fashionable for AFL teams to do a pre-match "Warm-up" on the ground, before returning to the rooms for last minute instructions. The consequence of this is e.g. the Fish Creek 1st XVIII coming out as soon as the reserves game finishes to run through a series of drills, somewhat hampered by the scores of men, women and children who are playing kick-to kick, chasing dogs or simply taking a short cut to the can bar. Five minutes later (there is only ten minutes between games) they return to the sheds where they will get oil put on their arms and, in some cases, a strip of tape placed across the bridge of the nose to "assist breathing". At quarter time, instead of gathering in a tight huddle to await a tongue lashing from their coach, the players will form three groups -"forwards", "backs" and "centres/onballers" - and spend a few minutes talking quietly among themselves before joining together in a single pack. The coach (and there is still usually only one coach) will then deliver his instructions. Onlookers will describe these instructions as a being a"fearful bake", proving that even spectators can be influenced by "The Process". After the match has finished we can see where "The Process" has had perhaps its most significant effect. The victorious team, having returned to the rooms and sung the club song, will not tuck into the slab of green cans which the club secretary has placed in the middle of the floor. Instead they will be made to eat bananas and do a series of stretching exercises known as a "warm-down." One unfortunate player will find himself astride an exercise bike, pedalling listlessly and gazing blankly into space, stealing occasional longing glances at the slab which is being rapidly diminished as training staff and seconds players seize their opportunity. Meanwhile, the coach of the local under 13's is watching all this carefully, and committing it all to memory. Thus "The Practice" continues seep through all levels of football culture, until it reaches the very grass roots of the game, and, at recess in primary schools across the land, childish voices can be heard crying: "Front and square, Harry, FRONT AND SQUARE!!" Richard Hall What is the Process? Re: Melbourne Football Club There is a touch of the combining 'Youth' with the 'East German Systematic Drugs-in-Sport' Process about the MFC just at the minute. This is highlighted by two recent examples. What do Garry Lyon and Jeff Farmer have in common? Kids, Ankle-Biters, Little tackers, Offspring or, as the Melbourne Football Club sees them, Recruits under the 'Father and Son' rule What does this have to do with the 'East German Systematic Drugs-in-Sport' process You heard about Melbourne's through pre-season, the thorough medical testing blood pressure, skin-fold, cholesterol, etc. What you didn't hear about was the 'Sperm Counts'. Each player for the past couple of years has undertaken these tests, it has even crept into the recruitment process. Don't worry about the 'Don't-draft-him-if-he's-Jewish' factor, Melbourne has the 'Don't-draft-him-if-the-sperm-count-isn't-up-there' factor. It's no surprise to anyone in the know down at demon land. Melbourne is looking to the future. The 2014 draft is looking good for the Dees. Expect to sees a couple of Lyon's Wiz's, etc. drafted. Melbourne thinks that 50 years without a Premiership is just a 'twinkle in the eye' away. Michael Fry The Process as defined by Collingwood Football Club supporters for the past 16 weeks of pain. Collingwood's game plan, loosely defined as "the process" consists of 5 basic elements - 1) the player gathering the ball, this is usually after several attempts. THEN 2) the player looks up, failing as always to take the first option. He then proceeds to fein handballs and kicks. AS 3) the player up the ground buggers around with the ball, all the forward line leads up the ground. AS THIS HAPPENS 4) thousands of disgruntled Collingwood supporters scream, "KICK THE BLOODY THING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" THEN 5) the player finally kicks the ball straight to opposition backman in a vacant 50 metre zone. Kristian McCausland the leader of disgruntled PIE fans Dear Simon, The following should explain the idea of process - "The Loneliness of the Long Distance Coach" (Kevin Sheedy's process for Essendon) Although the best way to get back at arrogant Essendon supporters is to say "You guys are flag certs", the second best way is to run past them this theory on Essendon's process - There was an HSC novel (and movie) called The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner. The title character (read: Sheeds) was so angry at the way he'd been mistreated by his schoolmasters (read: the 1998 Essendon board) that he decided to train obsessively as a marathon runner (read: put together the finest AFL team of the post-war era). He soon became the toast of his schoolmasters (read the 1998 Essendon board) and the school community (read: 67% public coach of choice) and it seemed he was an unbackable cert to deliver for them the prestigious interschool marathon cup (read: AFL Premiership Cup). As the runner entered the home straight, miles ahead (read: 5 wins ahead) of his closest rival, he looked set to realise the hopes and aspirations of all those he secretly despised (read: all those he secretly despised). All their dreams were in his control with the mere stride of his legs (read: manipulation of his interchange bench) With the last metre left to run (read: the last quarter of the Grand Final set to start) the runner stops running (read: Sheeds drags Fletcher Hird and Lloyd, puts Boris in the ruck, and floods his forward line.) As the next boy overtakes the runner (read: as Carlton slams on 10 goals to win by a point) the runner turns triumphantly to the schoolmasters and thumbs his nose (read: Sheeds turns triumphantly to the Essendon board and impersonates a seagull.) And verily the process is complete. Regards, Stuart McArthur Dear Simon, The "Process" is described below, you will note I was able to squeeze football into it, but only just. "(Club Name)" is utterly resolute to elevate unwavering concentration on contemporary procedures of implementing success orientated importance on innovative behaviour to augment, if not transcend, the expectations of football excellence. Peter "Trash" Treseder the process, is the code name for the afl's secret plan to systematicaly eliminate the number of teams in victoria. thus, the struggling interstate clubs port adelaide and fremantle will have a better chance of making the final eight come september. willow Dear Coodabeens, There are a number of processes the A.F.L. have to go through to get supporters back to the game. 1. Try crazy, wild, new fan-dangled ideas with the draw. i.e. play games on Saturday afternoons and allow HOME teams to play at their HOME ground. 2. For the Grand Final, fill the ground full of spectators that actually barrack for the two competing clubs. 3. Make all spectators feel like they are in a "super-box". Take down the fences and put up glass walls like at the Caulfield race track. Have the pie-boys, instead of yelling "Hot Pies!", they should be yelling "Hot Racks of Lamb on beds of twice sautéed Cous-Cous" 4. Tell it as it is. Umpires should all wear big, long, red shoes, a red nose and a flower on the lapel that squirts water (to signify to the crowd when a particular player is reported). They should all enter the ground in an undersized mini-minor. 5. Also telling it as it is, channel 7 should rename its Saturday afternoon show from "Around The Grounds" to "Around The Ground" as that's about as much football we get on a Saturday nowadays. 6. Set penalties at the tribunal that reflect the wishes of the people. I.em. Charging - 2 Weeks. Charging Winston Abraham - 1 week. Kicking - 4 weeks. Kicking Tony Liberatore - 2 weeks AND an honourable mention on Brownlow night. 7. Bring back "the Torp!", "the droppie" and the subtle art of "the Clothesline" so that Big Carl can get a job as a "Specialist Coach". 8. Knock down Colonial Stadium and build an exact replica of the Coliseum. Big crowds, no queues, a playable surface and the Tigers were always hard to beat there. Thanking you Dean and Jane from the Aspendale Riviera. THE PROCESS I was driving into the MCG on Saturday (invitation to a corporate lunch Andrew Thompson of the Saints was the guest speaker and he was asked (not by me) about the coaching position. While he cast doubts on the figure of 151 candidates, it was what he said next that brought home to me the thrust of your competition. You can probably guess what’s coming. Yes, he said that the Saints "…were now going through a process to select the new coach." Practically a word-for-word repeat of Tim Watson. So what is THE PROCESS at St Kilda? One of the definitions of process is: a series of actions directed to achieving a result or condition. Now St Kilda seems to have introduced a process whereby they ensure that they process their people through the same process. In the process they have ended up with the same condition, which is that of saying the same thing (refer to Tim Watson’s and Andrew Thompson’s remarks above). This was further confirmed by Greg Baum (The Age on Monday) when he reported that St Kilda was in the position of rebuilding and that Watson thought that: "… the process would take a couple of years, … ". – always the optimist. Also, "process" can mean blending such things as food all together – in a processor, of course – to form an often unrecognisable mess. This obviously applies to St Kilda, which is in a complete mess at the moment and whose only resemblance to an AFL football team is purely coincidental. Of course all good processes should evolve to a higher level. Greg Baum further reported that Watson had said that at St Kilda: "…there was plenty of talent to be harvested. In the meantime there will have to be some pruning." (Some interesting processes to come, I think) The obvious conclusion for St Kilda is that as the new coach tries to do the impossible with the unlikely and players get the chop, the much proclaimed "process" will become the much watched "procession". (Sounds like a quote from the Guru). Chris Geehman Dear Coodabeens The Process (for St Kilda) Take 500grams of Chuck steak (The Coach) 1 Onion (Centre) Carrots (Backs) Potatoes (Forwards) Leek (Trainers) Mushrooms (President) other vegies to taste (the rest of them) Salt, pepper & a few herbs (The Board) 2 cups of stock (waterboys-runners) Best results achieved with a food processor Dice Chuck steak into cubes, slice onions and saute in a bit of oil. Place in large crock pot (Colonial) with stock, salt, pepper and herbs - simmer for a few hours. Julienne vegetables and add to stew. Stew is ready to serve when vegetables are soft. Serve to all ( fans). If stew does not turn out....PUREE, tip down Henry (mum's garbage disposal) and start again!!! Recipe for Essendon Substitute with Prime Fillet for the Chuck Steak, use olive oil, vegetables should be tender and serve on a bed of rice. My husband is a St Kilda fan and I am an Essendon fan!!!!!!!!!!! Kind Regards Gayle Bovalino, Gentlemen, as I began to write this week's entry I received a call from my mother. She had listened to 3AW especially to hear he son's named mentioned on the Coodabeens. She felt sure she would hear his name as she had earlier read his humorous entry for "Wild Card" competition, regarding Mick Malthouse and his new salary package. Needless to say, she was both surprised and disappointed. I consoled my mother by telling her that the reason I spend hours working on my entry every week is not to win dinner at Bill Ferg's, nor is it to hear my name on the radio. The reason I do it is to ensure I get "The Process" correct. It is quite clear that over the past 20 weeks I have not got The Process correct, which only furthers my resolve to getting it right. Commitment to "The Process" is an integral part of life and rich rewards await those who get "The Process" right. If I persist and maintain my focus on "The Process", I too will reap the seafood harvest that awaits. I know that mum was nodding and smiling knowingly to herself on the other end of the telephone because she knew where I was coming from. She's a good woman my mum and she's always seen me right. Thing's weren't always as good as they are now and my had to get a job working nights to see me through a decent education. She had to drive an hour each way to Mulgrave where she worked packing donuts at Herbert Adam - that's right, she was a Process Worker. And she'll be the one reaping the seafood harvest at Billy Ferg's - not me! Not Glenn from Newport |
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