There aren't enough awards, individual or team, in the AFL. Come up with
a ctaegory, and name for new awards that you think could rival the Dr.
McLelland Trophy, the Michael Tuck Medal, or the Commodore Cup...
| Coodabeens,
This weeks comp; THE "MARIO BORTOLOTTO" AWARD for the last player picked in a Grand Final Team. Conditions of entry. He must be neither big nor small. He must NOT have played in a key position. He must have played more reserve games than senior games. He must take the place of an otherwise worthy player. Notable previous winners of the "BORTOLOTTO" are; Chris Waterson 1985 (position : utility) Warren McKenzie 1987 (position : utility) Clay Sampson 1997 (position: utility) Cameron Mooney 1999 (position utility) Betting for year 2000 "BORTOLOTTO" 4//6 Dean Rioli (Ess) Evens Chris Massie (Carl) 6/4 Darren Hulme (Carl)3/1 Dean Wallis (Ess), Judd Lalich 10/1 Shannon Motlop (Kang) 200/1 Justin Cicolella (ADL), Ezra Poyas (RICH), Ben Beams (MEL) Regards, Jason NEW AWARDS IN FOOTY. How about... The Under-rated Player Award... awarded to the player that everyone knows is good, but of whom every commentator states is under-rated. When just about every media person has stated that the player in under-rated......then he should get the award. The Norwich Almost Rising Star.... whereas the Norwich Rising Star award is given to a player of the future, this award would be given to a player that footy commentators say is going to be a player of the future. The Pointless Award.... awarded to the team that has been top of the AFL ladder for the greatest number of consecutive rounds without winning a premiership! The Dracula Award.... awarded to the player who goes off the ground under the blood rule the most number of times in a season. The Ha! Ha! award... for the player picked up for nothing in the draft from a club that could really use a player like this now. For example, Peter Bell. The Anti-charisma award... No contest! would automatically go to Wayne Jackson - the man who never actually tells you anything, and is so boring that he challenges your very will to continue living while he tells you it. A special award for when Fremantle plays Port... called the Who Cares? Award. KEITH PAYNE Dear Coodabeens, There seems to be a surprising lack of awards in the AFL named after Brisbane Bears players of the early 1990's. The Retzlaff Medal Given the fact that Brisbane and West Coast entered the comp at the same time and somewhat of a resultant traditional rivalry ensures that a medal should be awarded to the best player on the ground in matches between the sides. Players of the calibre of Brendon Retzlaff, Alex Ischenko, Mark Zanotti, John Gastev and Peter Davidson have represented both clubs. Playing 15 games for Brisbane and 3 for West Coast, The Brendon Retzlaff medal would be struck. The Windsor Medal In 1992 the Brisbane/West Coast rivalry hit its peak when Bear Ray Windsor goaled with the last kick of the match to tie the round 5 encounter, but the Bears walked away with a moral victory. The Windsor Medal would be awarded to the player responsible for tieing a match. Retrospective Windsors would be awarded to: Peter Sumich - WC v Coll, 1990 Darrin Pritchard - Haw v Foots, 1996 Stephen Kernahan - Carl v Ess, 1993 Twiggy" Dunne - Coll v NM 1977 And of course the Love - Schache Medal Two of the leagues spearheads in 1991 were Jason Love of the Swans and Laurence Schache of the Bears. Both were their club's respective leading goalkicker for the season. Therefore in matches between the clubs, the leading goalkicker would be awarded the Love-Schache Medal. Have a bewdy Cam and Al McDill Hi Guys, My entry for this weeks comp is as follows: The Werner Reitier medal (sorry about the spelling) For the player, official or coaching staff that see an incident, complain about the incident, but can never remember who was actually involved in the incident. Honary medals go to anyone who blames flying creatures or aliens as the perpetrators. The Mat Dundas memorial trophy. For the player that can fall over the most during the home and away season within 2 meters of the ball. Travis Bull Simon, Many a work place has a brownlow competition where you have to select a player from each team that you think will accrue the most brownlow votes. The player must have played at least 11 games in the year. A fun task in line with this is to select a player from each team that will not poll any brownlow votes under the same criteria. For the past 20 odd years I have yet to be successful in the second part of this competition except for one year when only one player cost me the ultimate glory. That player was the only player in my selections to poll brownlow votes and to add insult to injury the player scored a best on ground, 3 votes. That player was the Bulldog's, Groeneweagen ( I can't spell the name due to the trauma it brings). Therefore a new award should be the "GROENEWEAGAN MEDAL" for a player that playes an entire season and does not record a Brownlow vote. Peter "Trash" Treseder. The Deed Title: Between the 2 teams who have most recently moved house. The current schedule is between Hawthorn and St Kilda but previous holders of this trophy include Footscray, St Kilda, Fitzroy, South Melbourne, St Kilda and St Kilda. Monkhorst Crown: For the player who loses the most teeth during a season. Harry Madden Trophy: To award the worst jumper. Currently this is contested by Freo and the Weagles(away). Past holders include Geelong(away) and Hawthorn . James Hird Medal: Struck in honour of Jame's fabulous 1999 season. Awarded to the player who finishes the home and away season with the highest dollars paid to minutes played ratio in the competition. Tony Lockett Medal: Awarded to the player who has done the most to promote the art form of the television ad. The inaugural medal given to Tony of course for his continued work with the Lone Star restaurant and Advanced Hair not to mention those weird Sydney ads with NRL players in dresses. A post-humous award given to Ted Whitten for the "They mean business" campaign. An honorary award to Dipper for his footy mask gig plus his ongoing work with Dimmey's & Forges (and don't forget Lou Richards once appeared in a Dimmey's ad along side Dipper), and an honorary plaque, rather than a medal to Mark Merenda for appearing as a model next to Dipper, wearing some of the fabulous Dimmey's gear. Bruce Hardie hi boys, Darren Clarke Cup This time-honoured cup shall be awarded to the team at the end of the home & away season, which is widely accepted as the; "Best Team outside the 8" Dick Smith Award (to be awarded to players whose great publich contribution is recognised outside their football careers) Previous winners include; Michael Roberts - TV/modelling Nipper Tresize - Politics Simon Beasley - Gaming Robert Gronewagen - Air Rage Peter Daicos - DJ'ing Cheers Anthony Mazzoni Dear Coodabeens, The category is best "Social Event' Now this category can be broken into 2 separate divisional awards, one being for the social award involving the supporters and like and the other being the one involving just the players and immediate staff. The best social event that involves only players and staff will be called the "rat and gash" award. This will be judged by Paul Van Der Haar and Jim Buckley. These functions are usually held on Sunday mornings and to raise money for club football trips. Paul and Jim have had plenty of experience judging whether or not these functions met the standards of a good 'rat and gash' afternoon. Some of the criteria for such an event are, whether the players attention was held during the entire event, whether some player gets enticed to be part of the show and get tied up and whether enough shaving cream and other vital instruments are used. The best social event that involves the supporters will be called the "Hawks Award ". this will be judged by Allan Jeans. The Hawks are know throughout the world as the family club. No one ever gets the chop or the axe at Hawthorn, they always part on amicable terms. This event could be any of the usual footy club turns, like the annual ball or the family day. It could even be the annual golf day. Simon can I tell you that only 2 weeks ago that I played in the Waratahs (NSW Rugby Union) annual golf day. Now this would have won the "Hawks" award in Australian Rugby union. As you checked in you received your bag of goodies which included t-shirt, sports drink, energy bar, balls etc, then you were given a bucket of balls to practice with. There was coffee and scones supplied before you went out to play as well. Then we were chaperoned to our tee (shot gun start) by various girls in carts. Now these weren't your ordinary good looking bimbo sort of girls, but classy looking chicks recruited from St Ives and Double bay areas. At the half way point there was a food stop, now here us where they have distinguished themselves, at the food stop there was a hot dog cart, now they didn't just have normal Don smallgoods hot dogs, but they had Gourmet hotdogs. You had the choice of Bratwurst, ham and cheese and lyonnaise with every sauce you could imagine. There was more drink stations than you could keep up with and at the end of the round they put on the best buffet dinner you could imagine, including ofcourse the caviar. what else would you expect. It really was a great day. Allan would have been proud of it. Both these awards should be announced at the brownlow night, votes from Paul, Jim and Allan could be read out in order. GAVIN KEANE Dear Coodabeens, ANOTHER AFL TROPHY The ADAM SALIBA SHIELD to be awarded to the one-game player who makes the biggest impact on our great game during the season. With Kind Regards, Andrew McDonald Dear boys re: new awards the BARTLETT/BEWICK medal. This is awarded to the person who has the most chances to pass the ball to a player in a better position but still goes for goal. Also known as the hungry award. Leading players this year are Gary Moorcroft and Phillip Matera. the ROCCA medal. This is awarded to the most inconsistent player every year. Currently held by Saverio Rocca as he is going for 9 awards in a row. Before Sav was Craig Starcevich. the HUDSON medal. Awarded to the player who, no matter where on the ground he is, still kicks the goal. One condition is that the commentators have to say before the player kicks it, "you'd like to have the ball in .....'s hands" the BUCKENARA medal. Awarded to the best new player with the best name. Leading contenders are Ramanauskas, Wojcinski, Antoniwicz, the new bloke that played his first game for Port last week and Giansiracusa from the Bulldogs. Past winners are Prestigiacomo and Buckenara himself. the GOODWIN medal. Awarded after Simon Goodwin for the best player that has bobbed up for the year. Contenders are Embley and Lange. thank boys michael hogg THE JOHN WEST MEDAL - goes to Troy Luff who has been rejected (delisted) by the Swans 3 times, but keeps coming back for more! THE INCOGNITO AWARD - goes to ............. ummmmmmhhhhhh........................ whi IS that number 18 for the Triple AAA's ? AUSTRALIA'sMOST UNWANTED - to the Triple A's - despite 2 Premierships in 4 years and mumerous consecutive finals appearances, the Roos couldn't draw a crowd with a packet of Derwents and butchers paper. The CHEVRON AWARD for the year 2000 goes to Richmond, in memory of the great nightspot of the 80's. Key contributors to the Tiges winning the Awara are Nick Daffy and Brad Ottens Regards Brendan Saunders NEW AFL AWARDS 1. THE HOLMES MEDALLION - named after John Holmes, porn star. - awarded to the most versatile player. The one who can perform well in any position. Previous winners : Dustin Fletcher, Stephen Silvagni, Wayne Carey. 2. THE BOO RADLEY TROPHY - named after the mysterious charachter from "To Kill a Mockingbird" - given at the end of the year to one of the improved teams. This is the team whose form was indifferent through much of the year but who turned out alright in the end. Previous winners : St.Kilda(1997), Brisbane(1999), Freo(2000) 3. THE SAMARANCH CUP - A championship style trophy - as only a few chosen teams ever actually win the premiership, this award will be fought between perennial losing teams who will put in actual Olympic style bids to be awarded the cup. Selectors of the cup will be wined and dined by presidents of bidding clubs and will tour the facilities of the clubs to judge the winner. 4. THE BIGGS CUP - named after Ronnie Biggs. - awarded to the best relocated team. Only one winner so far - Swans(1981 - ) 5. THE TILBROOK MEDAL - named after "Diamond Jim " - awarded to the most disappionting "prized recruit". Previous winners : Brian Peake, Russell Ebert, Graham Cornes, and most number one draft picks. 6. THE GOSPER MEDAL - named after Kevan Gosper - awarded to the AFL player who each year owes his position in the team to the influence of his father. Nominations this year : Ryan Pagan, David Bourke, David Clarke, from Paul Russo/John Clements (3366 Faction) The medal was named after the inaugral winner "James Hird", because he's just "So nice". This medal recognises: On field courage and brilliance (the courage to play entire career with long sleeves, and the brilliance not to mess up hair do while playing). Self sacrificing and selflessness as captain (must take a pay cut because of debilitating injury and offer the money to "The kids who are the future of the club and this great game of ours"). Humility in the public sector (must stand in front of a television camera every night and tell the country how much he hates the media attention). Prettiness of wife and child (both must be blonde). Profile of Grandfather (must have carried the Olympic torch). Voting panel is made up of the following: Mrs Hird (James' mum) Mrs Lloyd (Matthews mum) Mrs Sheedy (Kevin's wife and mother of his children) Mrs Mecuri & Misiti (If only their son's were more like James) Mrs Johnson (all of them or just the one - we're not quite sure) Sally, Tracey, Vicki, Vicky, Melanie, Becky, Monique, Sharon, Kylie, Colleen, Raeleen, Stef, Suzie (Year 10 students Ascot Vale High School) Bruce McAveney (AFL and Olympic great) Outside chances this year: Matthew Lloyd Expected to put up a good challenge when finally married, injured and sells the BMW. Michael Voss Has a real good show this year and will be sweating on Brisbane making the finals so that judges have time to evaluate baby Voss due soon. Gary Lyon "Gary, you're not getting this medal until you tell me who's been taking those Antibolic Steroid drugs - you won't be able to have kids if you take those things!!", Mrs Hird Glenn (I'm feeling better now thank you, sorry about the rude email) from Newport. The Nigel Smart Medal - For the player who sustains the most serious injury in a pre-season bonding session. The Urban Land Authority Cup - For the longest 50 metre penalty of the year. The Karl Langdon Cup - For the most over rated player of the year. The Laurence Oliver Medal - For the bers performance by a goal umpire in getting the field umpire's all clear. The Kerry Anne Kennerly Team of the year - For the 22 blondest bimboes at the Brownlow Medal count. The Carlotta Cup - For the most sensitive performance (in drag) at a players review. The Skasie Medal - For the most elusive half forward flanker of the year. The Phil Carmen Medal - For the key player who gets rubbed out at the most critical time for the team's premership chances. The 'Best Player in a Team Outside the 8' Award - So that Nathan Buckley can win something! The Tim Webster Cup - For the team with the greatest combined tally of dropped marks, misdirected kicks, wayward handballs, clangers & turnovers. The Brucie Weekly Dinner for 2 Award - For the most speeeeeecial moment of the round. Regards Bill Cowan Gentlemen 1) The Austinn McCrabb Plate Awarded to the most entertaining "What Ever Happenned To" story, awarded annually (have you heard the bicycle story regarding Aussie McCrabb?) 2) Sharkey-Gibson Memorial Medal Awarded to trade that went largely unnoticed. Seeing Shannon Gibson in a Collingwood guernsey in 1999 prompted comments such as: When did we get rid of him?" And seeing Sharkey in a Hawthorn strip prompted observations like "Who did we give up for him?". 3) Darren Baxter Medal Awarded to the bloke who can play, but looks like (and runs like) he can't. Top seed in 2000: Paul Dodd (Freo) 4) Greg Madigan Medal Awarded to the bloke who can't play, but looks like he can. Not enough courage to nominate one as a D2 Ammo player. Regards Oliver Kysela Yarra Valley Old Boys On Warragul Rd in the '84 Blue Corolla on the Way to The Patterdome, vs Mentone Amateurs. Both sides on the rebound, and traditional rivals. NEW FOOTBALL AWARD THE DAILY PLANET EFFICIENCY MEDAL Given to the player who got the most touches while only being on the ground for a short amount of time. The award is calculated by dividing the number of possessions by the total time spent on the ground. For example last week Buckley(Coll.) had 32 touches but was on the ground for 100 minutes therefore 32/100 = .32 Compared with Dimmatina (Coll.) who had 5 touches but was on the ground for only 10 minutes therefore 5/10 = .5 making Dimmatina a far more valuable player than Buckley. From Tina and Gemma Russo Dear Simon and Coodabeens, The idea I have is for 2 new medals to be struck, The Peter Knights Medal and the Brian Wilson Medal. These medals may or may not be awarded each year and possibly only one or the other awarded even if they do go hand in hand. They are of course for the player who SHOULD have won the Brownlow and the player who DID win the Brownlow but robbed the other guy. We all know that Peter Knights should have won the Brownlow and we all know that Brian Wilson robbed Simon Madden of his, even at the Coodabeens function at Arden St, the door prize was given to the bloke who had Simon Madden on his ticket, not Brian Wilson, so these medals would be a true recognition of what SHOULD have happened. In Dippers year, he would have got the Brian Wilson Medal while no Peter Knights medal would have been presented, Corey Mc Kernan and Chris Grant would both have Peter Knights Medals sitting on their trophy shelfs while in Jim Stynes' year, no medal would have been awarded. This would be the be all and end all of who should have and who shouldn't have as they would have everlasting proof to back their arguments up! Regards Kevin Nolan Coodabeens: How about the Magic Bullet Award? For the best conspiracy theories about what the AFL is doing and how 'they' have got it in for 'our' club. I suggest there be two Magic Bullets awarded each year. I mean, since they are clearly in two different leagues non-Victorian clubs should not have to compete with the Victorian clubs. (The Magic Bullet in the latter division would probably be won by Essendon; whose supporters have spent the past few years taking Conspiracy Thoeries to new heights.) Cheers, Irwin Hirsh Gentlemen, Linda Blair Medal: given to the player with the most telling possession. Greyhound Medal: Won this year by Tim Watson, the next departing coach. Clinton Medal: Won by Andrew Plympton - President of the Year? Close, but no cigar. Demons vs Dockers: Double D Cup - everyone is ansiously waiting for the first bounce. Glenn from Newport G'day fellas, I reckon that there should be an award for the Little League named "The George Speight Medal" because there's always a bully who wants to take over! Marie Keane Hi...love the show...my entry is: The award for the team with the most Johnsons playing....may be the Johnson n' Johnson award... Cathryn Curtin DEAR SIMON Three awards need to be struck for those deserving AFL players who are currently undervalued. 1. For the intimidators who never seem to be eligible for the big prize on Brownlow night. Their award should be called the “Standover Medal”. 2. As the hairless, pretty boy look is “in” at present, an award should be given to the player with the most hair on his back. This award could be sponsored by, say, a hamburger chain, and be called the “McHairy Medal”. {cf Magarey Medal) 3. But the real prize should go to the guy who will open up with the media and really tell you what’s on his mind. This is an example of award winning player’s comments: - Blockbuster clash, nothin’! It was 2nd vs 14th and we dished out a good shellacking! And we will beat them by at least 10 goals next time as well! - That little lateral move I did was, indeed, a set play! And here is how it works …… - Forget this afternoon’s match! That’s an easy win for us! We are already focussing on the round 20 clash! - Our current coach does not have the tactical skill of his predecessor. - The footy trip! Let me tell you what the boys did on the footy trip! ….. Such a player (manna from heaven for the press) is “made of the right stuff”. As such, the award to show his true worth will be called “The Media Ligament” Doug Long Honourable Mention Award - For the team that get’s the closest score to Essendon during the season. Most Enjoyable Award - For the team that has the highest winning margin against Collingwood. Fremantle Doctor Medal - For the team that best fixes up Freo Dean Wallis Award - The most disliked player for the season KPI (key Performance Indicator) Award - To the coach that has said his team has to “follow the process” the most number of times. Greg Hughes The Alfred 'Nugget' Darling trophy It's time to publicise the little-known 'Darling' trophy, awarded each year to the team with the best carpark credibility, ie: the club with the most prestige vehicles in attendance at home and away clashes. In existence since 1995, points for the Darling are awarded on the following basis: Rolls Royce, Bentleigh, Jaguar, Daimler = 10 pts each Mercedes Benz, BMW 5 series and up = 7 pts BMW 3 series = 5 pts 4WD (other than small 4 cylinder Asian models) = 3 pts All other cars less than 2 years old = 1 pt Extra points awarded for: horse floats light aircraft private school bumper stickers genuine National Park mud on 4WDs Ski racks white hats on rear parcel shelves small team logos on number plates Colonial carpark passes. Points deducted for: vehicles older than 3 years people movers personalised number plates fluffy dice or garters hanging from rear vision mirrors vinyl lettering on rear windscreens, ie: CAUTION: Vehicle constantly sideways coarse bumper stickers, ie: 'This is my other car'; 'Don't blame me, I voted Labour' bicycles Melbourne Storm promotional material Past winners: 1995 Melbourne 1996 Melbourne 1997 Melbourne 1998 Melbourne 1999 Melbourne 2000 Looks like Melbourne but Carlton is closing the gap (within 8000 pts). NB: The introduction of Colonial Stadium with its limited parking has adversely affected Essendon's chances of winning the Darling, however, the Bulldogs and St Kilda's positions remain unchanged. Jeff From Kilsyth Dear Coodabeens, Here are a few ideas for individual player awards for the season: 1) The 'Jim Stynes Medal' for the best overseas born player. If they can have a ridiculous award named after one of the greats, eg Michael Tuck Medal, they can have another. 2) The 'Hulk Hogan Medal' for the best 'Close checking Defender': Past winners include Mick Gayfer, Craig Kelly, Steve Silvagni, and this year's favourite is Dustin Fletcher. Votes are tallied as the total length of time that the defender has contact with the forward. Bonus points awarded for moves such as the 'Figure 4 Leg Lock'. 3) The 'Duke of Edinburgh' for the most stupid player's comment, named after Prince Philip, notorious for comments such as "This fuse box looks like it was installed by Indians." The medal is only passed from one player to the next when their comment surpasses that of the previous winner. The current medallist is Nathan Buckley for his reason for leaving Brisbane for Collingwood - "To play finals football". I hope you find these appropriate. Michael Lavender In the celebration of your 20 wonderful years of service to football it is time that one of the true mantles of football be recognised that your program has initiated and promoted that being the Coodabeen Champion Award. The medal is given at the end of each season, retrospectively, to the player who has not lived up to the expectation that was so heavily instilled upon him by the mass media. The criteria would be as follows: Played no more than 30 senior games Been a top 5 draft pick only to be put back in the draft and ignored 3 seasons later. Been chased by at least 8 clubs all eager to get his services when he was 16 years old, and mentioned as a possible trade swap with a true champion= Andrew Robertson THE THIRTEEN HUNDRED CUP An award presented to the television or radio sports programme which most relentlessly promotes its own merchandise. This trophy has sat in the cupboards of Channel Nine for some time due to their bewildering success in flogging very large photographs of very large grandstands, surrounding very large ovals with very small cricketers on them. Nine were favourites for this years award until a very impressive challenge from 3AW's Coodabeen Champions, who, apparently, have a new C.D. available. The cup will be presented by the artist who painted David Boon for the 'Boon Bat' at a ceremony in Bill Fergs Lobster Cave at the end of the year. Entry from: Rob Clarkson G'day fellas, we've got two for you for the comp - both individual awards. 1) The Brian Peake award for the player that promises to be a world-beater but delivers nothing. Previous winners include - Ross Ditchburn, David Honeybun, Warren Ralph, Steve Malaxos, and, Scott Hodges. This years contenders - Warren Tredrea, Brett Burton, Scott Cummings (6th year in a row!), and, Collingwood 2) The Mick McGuane Memorial Award for the washed up player that Carlton will waste a draft pick on. Previous winners include - Barry Mitchell, Sean Charles, Michael Mansfield and Stephen O'Reilly (joint winners) This years contenders - Dean Wallis, Shane Watson, Damien Monkhurst, Scott Russell, Craig Sholl, David Mensch. Rog and Phil The award that I wish to introiduce to the AFL would need the reading of a rule to be changed. It would require the AFL to change " Rule 303;", to read as follows: At the completion of each home and away game, the umpires( including the Goal and Boundry umpires) come together to award 3 votes to the player from each competing club who during that match showed the greatest amount of discipline. That at the same time they award 0 votes to the player from both clubs who commited the most " undisiplined acts ". These votes are to be tallied at a properly sanctioned meeting of the executive of the AFL at the completion of the home and away season. A medal be struck, and named the " Velt " medal and awarded to the player or players who have the most votes at the end of the years matches. Another medal be struck and named the " Morant " medal and be awarded to the player with the most "0" votes at the end of the years games. In the event of a tie, both or all players involved be brought before a special sitting of the tribunal, and the tribunal decide the winner. That the " Morant " medal be made retrospective back to the time when Channel Rex sent cameras to every game. The votes could be read out by Charles "Bud " Tingwell in the following manner: " Collingwood v Sydney. Collingwood N. Buckley 3, Sydney D. Lewis, OH, Sydney, P. Kelly,3." Thereby Rule 303 would be continually meeted home to the players. The winner of the "Morant " medal would then be taken out on the symbolic velt on Grand Final day { the MCG } at half time and be simsolicly shot by the 14 non participant coaches. Who would kick a Sherrin at a heart shaped target pinned to his chest, from ten metres away. The retrospectivity of the award would allow Garry Hoccing to once again change his name by deed-pole, this time to " Tripple Morant Medalist, Garry Hocking ", similar to Bob Skilton, Dick Reynolds, Ian Stewart and Hayden Bunton Snr. Enjoy Matt Dunell In the Carlton - Brisbane game last week, Chris Massie came onto the ground for the Blues only a couple of times. He hasn't had much of a go this year, so is vitally important for him to MTMOEO (Make the most of every opportunity). However when I saw him having a couple of shots at goal late in the game, I really wondered if he gave a frog's fat crack. Bootz Ross New awards presented at the end of the year ***The Kevin Sheedy Trophy.*** Awarded to the coach who has put in the most outrageous, over the top and eccentric performance during a game. A score out of ten is awarded for each of the following catagories and an average is then calculated. 1. Hand gestures. Number performed and the degree of difficulty of each action. Bonus points for inventive consecutive gestures and the effectiveness of the choreography of the performance. 2. Quality of the verbal abuse. Bonus points awarded for repeated threats on the personal safety of opposition players 3. Facial expressions and the level of sheer hatred and genuine anger displayed. 4. Quality of the ongoing subsequent (and totally unavoidable) media war with the opposition coach. 5. The level of injustice handed out at the mandatory tribunal appearance. To date a perfect 10 in all areas has only been scored by the original half time tirade of which so much has been said. the trophy is a bronze cast of Mitchell Whites throat with a cast of Sheedy's finger across it......... ***The Roland Rocacelli Trophy*** Awarded to the Goal umpire who scores the most points for theatrical and dance performances behind the goals. Points are tallied at the end of the year. bonus points are awarded for 1. Any backward run after conferring with the central umpire over 30 metres....making sure those toes are pointed forward. 2. Exccessive use of the flapping arm to indicate a behind scored. 3. The number of controversies generated in the media following poor decisions. Trophy is a gold logie.......with a white hat and coat on. *** The Stevie Wonder Medal*** Sponsored by OPSM. No surprises here...awarded to the umpire at the end of the year who has scored the most points based on his ability to totally confuse everyone involved in AFL football. Bonus points are scored for the number above 100, of collingwood supporters that ring into 3AW to complain about what a bad run they get with the umpires. Medal is cast with a pair of black glasses crossed with twin walking sticks and the motto 'ergo pelaci continuim' which of course is "(ooops made a mistake there).....'PLAY ON'........" ***The John Elliot Trophy*** Affectionately known as a "smokie". This is awarded to the Club president who is able to score the most points based on the following criteria. 1. Number of times investigated by the national crime authority. 2. Number of drink driving offences recorded against their name. 3. Number of opposition clubs that are incensed by their comments in the media. Bonus points for the use of terms such as 'pathetic history' 4. Number of times ejected from official AFL areas due to use of cigarettes. 5. Number of derogatory comments made about teams that are currently higher on the ladder than their club. 6. Number of extra-ordinary Club presidents meetings that they are able to call. Bonus points if they get their proposal through. Curently the leader on the "Smokie trophy" is of course John Elliot with a sizeable gap back to Joseph Gutnik. In fact its is highly unlikely that anyone other than Jack will win this one until he retires or dies of lung cancer or his liver packs in. The trophy is gold plated Cigar and a glass of scotch. ***The wayne harmes medal*** Awarded to the player that gets away with the most blatantly incorrect umpiring decision during the grandfinal that results in a goal. trophy has a picture of a hand about to hit a football.......that is fully over the white line that runs through the centre of the medal. ***The Kevin Barlett Trophy*** Awarded to the player that is scores the highest tally of points based on the number of players clearly in the openby at least 15 metres, in a better position when they take a running shot on goal. Scott Lucas scores at leat 15 - 20 points each week so he is so far in front its a sure gone conclusion. (only joking Scotty...you're a champion and you keep pinging away!) Stephen O'connor in the olympic year these medals should be awarded. nominations provided:- ron clarke medal. -failing in the big finals. nomination collingwood fc. dawn fraser medal. -stolen flags. adelaide fc. jenny? donnet medal. -best diver. matthew. lloyd. werner rietner medal. -being positive! justin charles. andrew gaze medal. -gets many games because of father. paul hudson. zarli steggal medal. -best and fairest in the vfl. cheers. rod neal While I've been thinking about what new medal should be struck my mind has drifted back to remember the great players and performances I've seen and one record breaking feat in a match stands out in my mind. Last year I had the privilege of going to Sydney to watch Sydney take on Collingwood up at the SCG. I had a great view as I sat in the Doug Walter's Stand and being a Collingwood supporter I didn't really want to see the record be broken but I knew that I would be witnessing history. Right on quarter time Tony Lockett kicked his 1300th goal, an unbelievable effort. I like many others took a photo of the event. Thousands poured onto the ground to congratulate Plugger. This however was not the record I had traveled so far to see, the record I went to see was broken in the final term. Jason Wild had the ball in space on half back and had Monkhurst free on the wing. Wild under no pressure kicked the ball ten metres over Monkhurst's head where the big man managed to fall over while changing direction and in a comedy of errors the ball was turned over. That kick broke the AFL Clanger's record of 963 which had till that point be held by Cracker's Keenan. Sadly for young Wild there was no surge of fans running onto the ground to congratulate him, just the laughter of Sydney supporters and the yelling of one magpie supporter of "Throw him out of the club" and at the end of the season they did. I took my photo of Jason Wild kicking that ball and it's available for only $299.95 unframed. What saddens me is Tony Lockett got to keep the ball, Tony Lockett got driven around the ground and Jason Wild got nothing. I'm appealing for the Jason Wild medal to be struck and awarded to the player with the most clangers in a season. Jason had a huge impact on the game and gave thousands of opposition supporters joy, let us recognize that achievement. All The Best, Adam Ellerton Ø One of the statistics shown in the "small" paper is the one under the heading Clangers. To recognise the player that excels in this category, the Gubby Allen Perpetual Trophy would be awarded to the player with the most memorable clanger of the year. Particularly the duffed kick in the backline. And why perpetual? Because no matter what that player does for the rest of his career, that is all he'll ever be remembered for. Ø The Melbourne Cup (no not after the footy club) named after the greatest handicap event in the world, would go to the club that attributes its brave, but otherwise underachieving season to being handicapped by injuries. May I suggest that Richmond would be a monty to win it this year Ø The Joan of Arc Medal would go to the player whose coach insists on playing him out of his best position and sacrifices him for the sake of team balance. Ø The Elliot Ness Shield would go to the team that gets the best ride from the umpies, because THEY ARE UNTOUCHABLE !!! Ø You may remember a slightly obscure award from the past, the SSB (State Savings Bank) award that would go to a young lad that showed a bit of form in his first year. This player would be get a passbook account with the SSB to the value of $50.00. This award could be revived and renamed the Dunstall Prudential Trophy and would soon be fondly known as the Piggy Bank. This would go to a young draftee that comes to a club with big raps, but just doesn't quite live up to expectations. Ø The Darcy Dugan Cup would go to the club who has the most players up before a "beak" in one season. Ø The Carlotta Trophy would go to the club whose players put on the best drag performance at the annual player review. Ø The Hefners. There could be several awards handed out to players who are regularly connected to blonde female models or Soap stars. Of course, the Gold Hefner would go to the player with the most outstanding performance on Brownlow night. Yours truly, Michael Walker |