The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Eight:
The Cauldron of Fear?
The Western Australians have declared Subiaco (Soo-Blah-Co) Oval to be henceforth known as The Cauldron of Fear
Appropriate names please, for the other venues in the AFL
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 11:33:45 +1000
Dear Simon,
I write to you requesting your guidance.
I like you, am an avid football follower, who, due to "COMMITMENTS", may not
always be able to attend the game.
This one was going to be a tuff one.
Firstly he is a Doctor, aahhhhhh, who thinks it is funny to go around to each
guest between courses, serving sorbet on tongue depressors. Then there was the
arduous road trip to central Victoria, the weather was starting to turn and to
make matters worse he inherited from his wife a matching set of empty car parks
in his brain, the left side where one would normally expect to find wine
appreciation and on the right side a void created by the abominable lack of any
form of sporting knowledge. (One can only suspect it medical prac that went
wrong whilst his colleagues were studying lobotomies).
To shorten a longer letter, "Soo-Blah-Co" may be known as the cauldron of
fears, to players.
For others, like us Simon, the toughest "away" game is where one is denied
access to a TV.
Now is the beginning of another cycle of mortal generation where football is
the beacon of death and no TV shall cast scores. I know I must choose my
destiny. Let he who fails the first selection, select a second through
necessity, (bugger its still raining and I cannot get to the car). Virtue has
no master over him.
Please advise poste haste,
PS I am a Lions not a Magpie Fan.
Regards,
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 16:49:09 +1000
The competition this weeks asks you to give a name to your home oval. Is
this possible for Colonial? I have a conspiracy theory on the naming of
Colonial Stadium. I believe its name was an enticement to get Ian Collins in
the top job. The main reason is when you rearrange the letters in Colonial
you get
"Ian Collo" Stadium
Furthermore, why is it called a stadium rather than football ground, oval or
the like? If you then rearrange the letters in Stadium you get
"Ian Collo" - I'm a stud.
Co-incidence?
You make up your mind.
Jim Siderov
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 20:40:08 +1000
Dear Simon,
Firstly, please do not hold my surname against me. I realise you went along
for the ride last year with my namesake and well it didn't quite work out. BUT
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. I am Michele not Malcom.
Secondly, this weeks competition is a little unfair to North Melbourne
supporters as we do not have a home ground venue to rename.
Instead we have the K.S.S. (Kangaroos Star Ship) Enterprise.
Each week Commander Denis T Pagan calls the Kangaroos Squad together on the
Holo Deck (short for hologram) where he announces the successful 22 to
represent the club this week. The remaining players leave and board the M.K.S.S
(Murray Kangaroos Star Ship) Voyager and they leave for their destination.
At game time Commander Pagan calls for the selected 22 to "meet me in the
transporter room"
There he tells Mr Scott "23 to beam down to [insert one of the following]"
1.. Colonial Stadium
Michele Blight
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 09:22:45 +1000
Dear Simon,
A visit to FOOTYLAND is full of wonderment!
THERE'S
FANTASYLAND - At Colonial Stadium imagine a football ground as you
gaze at the fairy lights.
ADVENTURELAND - Take your Vic. plated car to Football Park and
experience untamed animals in the wild: Please keep windows closed at all
times!
FRONTIERLAND - Set sail for York Park, hither to unknown, and sit
anywhere you like!
and TONIGHT we travel to
TOMORROWLAND - Explore vast expanses of the unknown and ponder the
mysteries of ground rationalisation in STADIUM AUSTRALIA!
Regards Paul Prole
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 08:11:33 +1000
This is my first entry for the year for the reason that it usually takes a
few weeks for Simon's poor judgement to turn into appalling judgement.
Consequently, I now have a chance of winning.
MCG - The People's Cauldon of Fear
AFL Park - Waverly Gardens
Colonial - High Pressure Cooker of Fear
Optus Oval - The 10 Ounce Pot of Fear or Matty Lappin Oval
and my favourite ...
Football Park - The Spitoon
That will do.
Regards
Jamie Sanderson
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 09:38:40 +1000
Hello Coodabeens,
New names for AFL venues
CLUB VENUE NEW NAME
Melbourne M.C.G. The Arlberg
St.Kilda Colonial Heartbreak Ridge
Geelong Kardina End Roadworks 5 kms
Thanks for the great show.
Peter O'Sullivan
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 12:53:25 +1000
Dear Simon,
Although I was impressed at my name being read out four times; being
nameworthy does not stock the liqour cabinet! Have a heart Simon, even if it
is not remotely funny, my girlfriend Theresa aka Shirley Hansoff from a
radio show many moons ago is getting quite irritable so let me win one so
she can relax!!!!
Here goes......Name that Ground
MCG when Richmond plays - Leprechaun Park (watch the little people leap)
Cheryl Harvey
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 02:38:12 +0800
RE-NAME FROM OPTUS TO MISTRAL OVAL
GET MISTRAL EXHAUST FANS TO MAKE A FAN BIG ENOUGH TO COVER OPTUS OVAL
COMPLETELY SO BIG JOHN COULD SMOKE TO HIS HEARTS CONSENT WITHOUT THE SMOKE
BOTHERING PAYERS AND PATRONS
TONY-DENILQUIN
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 13:56:46 +1000 (EST)
After rumoured discussions between Dick Branson
and Essendon President Graham McMahon Colonial
will be named 'Virgin Arena' very soon.
Could it be because;
1. the Bulldogs will fail to fire a shot next
year, certainly Chris Grant doesn't look like
scoring there this year.
2. The saints will be stiff and never get up at
Colonial, the best they can is hit the post for a
draw. They'll have to ask the AFL for a million
bucks because they have blown their chance.
3. When Melbourne and the Kangaroos have sold all
their home games they'll have a Jehovas chance of
gettting the leg over the fence of any ground at
all.
League supremo 'Eddie'-(if not should be) scoffed
at the proposal(he really loves everybody) but
jokingly admitted it would apply to Brisbane's
chances of ever being victorious over the CFC at
Virgin Arena.
Peter Rhodes
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 17:49:42 +1000
Hi Simon,
Greg (and a not necessarily devout Sue) Hoysted
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 10:36:49 +1000
Hi simon how are you,
Michael Gregory Tiger supporter.
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 00:37:10 +1000
Dear Simon,
How about the Docklands Stadium-The bugcatcher (once the lid is on, ya can't
get out and you are under the magnifying glass)
Regards Mark Smith
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 09:54:27 +1000
Dear Mr Ian Cover,
It is some time since I last asked the assistance of the Venerable
Guru Bob in putting forward my (then winning) entry.
On this occasion, because of your undoubted allegiance, may I seek
your assistance in proposing a name for the Home of The (Mighty)
CATS
According to the opening words of the song "The Naming of Cats" from
that most famous musical comedy by Andrew Lloyd Webber:-
"The naming of cats is a difficult matter
I would suggest that no other team has had as many name venue
changes as ours!
* CORIO OVAL - At which I never saw a game, but where I saw
many
a greyhound and pacer beaten
* KARDINIA PARK - since known as Ford., Shell, Baytec and (now)
Skilled Stadium
Some very UNkind people have suggested that the GFC should now seek
sponsorship from the United Nations and add that logo to to their
current stadium name.
I, of course, diagree strongly with that quite flippant suggestion and
instead maintain that the name should immediately be changed (for the
last time) to
"THE MOUSE TRAP^'!
Yours sincerely
Mike Ballantyne
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 01:51:02 +1000
Hello Simon, As a disgruntled swans supporter, living in Sydney, I'd like to suggest that the name of the ground at Moore Park, from this day, be referred to as "Cirque Du Soleil" oval. (It's so Sydney) As Garth said to Wayne (Wayne's World 2) on arrival at Piccadilly Circus in London..... Keep up the good work. Christopher Lees
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 10:37:00 +1000
Quite frankly Simon, as a Melbourne supporter, I've had just about enough of
these Johnny come lately, penny pinching, AFL minions, hoi polloi, thinking
they have some call over our ground --- THE MELBOURNE CLUB'S GROUND
SIMON!!!!!!
In keeping with the Melbourne club's tradition, I say that, hitherto and
henceforth, to keep away the philistine invaders from the Melbourne Clubs inner
sanctum, the Melbourne Ground be known as the H C P (Habeas Corpus Park) or the
CEG (Caveat Emptor Ground). I'm sure Peter Hayes QC; Melbourne Club committee
man could see to the problem.
As for that bounder, that Elliott ne'er do well, (irrelevant indeed), he can
take his bunch of ingrates back to that paddock adjacent to the Melbourne
cemetry and call it the Coloseum. No not after the one in Rome, but the former
Otel in West Heidelberg, where many an epic struggle took place but noone
wanted to go there in the end. The original smokers pavilion, after all it
burnt down. Suit that Elliot chap and his predisposition for the wicked weed.
He's never been the same since he lost the presidency of the Liberal Party. In
any event Simon, Carey Grammar, thats not one of our schools, is it now?
As for the lad Maguire, he should go back to that hoarfrost of a park near the
Merri creek. If he wants to have his republic he could re-name the stadium
Miyyennium Park. You could have the stretch Faberge Jean wing or the main
mocassin stand end. No miyyionaires there my boy. After all, the 'old money'
is is truly with the Melbourne team.
And that Richmond team Simon, a pox on their house, away with them to Punt
road. Call the ground the Roger Dean Stadium, after all any claim they have to
the Melbourne Team's ground is about as bona fide as one of Dean's staged free
kicks. Imagine the Leonard boy calling football on the wireless at Punt road.
' And the ball is kicked out from fullback to the Royal Otel side of the ground
- Oh gee the tigers have been very exposed on that side of the ground all day.
Those feline felons should be exiled to servility in the colonies. Very simple
Simon (like the illiteration Simon)
Now that Hawthorn crowd. I have to say I dont mind them so much (home to the
old alma mater you know). But no they must go as well, back to Glenferrie. We
would allow them to call the ground Lower Scotch Oval. Oh tradition Simon, we
could have the Gaberdine Wing. Imagine the Dees are 5 points up, deep into the
last quarter and our captain; the lad who wears number 9, takes a mark in front
of goal. Just then the 4.44pm rattles past on its way to Lilydale and-----of
course Simon----toots its horn and the ground is inundated with fans. The lad,
our captain wearing number 9, lines up and kicks the goal , negotiating his way
through young lads with duffle coats and rolls of toilet paper strewn across
the goal square. Aaaah tradition !!!!!!!
That team from North Melbourne. How can anyone allow a team that has as one of
its names, the Shinboners on to the Melbourne Club's Ground? The next thing
you know they'll want to let women into the Club in Collins Street. Not on
your Nellie Simon!
MICHAEL WALKER
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 11:35:35 +1000
G'day Simon,
new ground names are-
Brisbane-THE COLUSSEUM-because every game some team gets fed to the lions
Carlton-LUNA PARK-visit the hall of mirrors where the players can have a good
hard look at themselves....put a ping pong ball in John Elliot's mouth...see
the house of wax where the top player swaps are ...greats include
P.Mckenna..M.Mcguane...S.O'reilly and our latest attraction C.Mckernan
Cheers,
Greg Boyd
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 12:50:16 +1000
With the proposal of the return
to Moorabin for the Saints,
I thought an rename might be in
order. With their current youth
policy maybe the "Arena of
Adolescence" would surely put
a shiver up the spine of
visiting sides. Or should there
be a change in coaching staff
perhaps "Karl Langdon Stadium"
would suffice in replace of
coaching payments.
Thanks Guys,
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 04:22:01 +0000
Dear Simon,
The complex layout and indulgences of Colonial Stadium make it the AFL
equivalent of a 1960s concept album.
OR
they could make everyone watch the game through the wrong end of their
binoculars and call it Waverley.
Other concept album venues:
On a serious note, I feel obliged, as a seasoned comp-entrant, to reassure
David Bean that he is NOT being excluded from a favoured comp-entrants club,
and not to get all Dawsons Creek about it.
cheers Simon,
Stuart McArthur
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 14:41:56 +1000
Hi Simon
So you thought my entry last week was "bitter and twisted". You have got it
wrong Simon. I'm trying to help
you. I'm trying to expand your network of friends so all competition entrants
will like you. Simon we all want
to be your favourites so tell us what it takes to become one of your
pets.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway to this weeks task. I have thought of a couple
1/ The ground which St Kilda may be returning at Linton Street would have to
be "The Coach's Graveyard"
2/ Subiaco may be "The Cauldron of Fear" but to many club doctors its also
know as "The Knee Surgeons Delight"
with all the reconstructions it has been responsible for in recent years.
3/ Geelong's home ground has been referred to as "The Cattery". With the young
side they have at the moment, it
should be called "The Kittenery ".
cheers
David Bean(using his mother Shirley's computer )
P.S. Buffy the Vampire Slayer would have kicked arse at the Ramsgate !!!!!!!!!
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 16:29:58 +1000
I haven't named every ground used in the fixture this year because some like
the MCG (The "G") should not be given nicknames nor have some of the grounds
earned a new nickname either (I'm looking at you York Park)
Colonial: The White Elephant...(Hello and welcome to 3AW's live coverage
tonight between the Dogs and the Saints here at the ELEPHANT, I'm Tony
Leonard...good evening to Graeme Bond, Daics and Tony Shaw...well there was
speculation during the week that the roof would be open for this match but
it seems that with forecast of a dry, clear evening the powers-that-be have
closed it an hour before the commencement of play. Daics your thoughts?...)
Skilled Stadium: The Holding (Holdings) Co. PTY LTD site... (purely for tax
purposes only)
Optus Oval: The Anachronism...(the last suburban footy ground. Part of a
triumvirate with the Coburg Drive-In and Westgarth Cinemas, it is the inner
Northern Suburbs attempt to live in a comfortable pre- post-modern society)
SCG: Normandy Park... (an established beach-head in hostile territory)
Gabba: Christmas Island or Nauru... (a place to keep those AFL refugees
away from the rest of Queensland)
Stadium Australia: The Great Experiment...(much like Human Cloning: logical
and potentially quite advantageous but at present there are too many
unknowns for it to succeed at this time)
Football park: Madison Square Gardens...(a bit obvious I know but I know you
guys like that sort of thing)
Kevin Hoey
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 17:16:02 +1000
Hi Simon
I think Football Park should be renamed The Ramsgate Hotel.
Opposition teams would know what they're in for there by just the name.
Adam Ellerton
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 18:40:30 +1000
DEAR SIMON,
Skilled Stadium (Geelong) Melbourne Weather Stadium (if you do not like
the name, just wait a while)
The Gabba - Mission Impossible
Fooball Park - The Ramsgate Transit Lounge
AAA Kangaroos Manuka Oval The Culling Field
Sublaco - I agree with Jeff Richardson The Cauldron of Pain
MCG Wrong way stadium - named after Richmond Captain Wayne Campbell who
kicked the wrong way just before half time last week. He then marshaled his
troops and led them off the ground.
Collo Stadium Grand Final in May Stadium
Doug Long
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 20:44:13 +1000
Adelaide and Port Adelaide have renamed football park to The Ramsgate Hotel
Carpark to get the best out of their players
Brisbane have renamed the GABBA to Brunswick Oval to try again to get the
Melbourne Based Fitzroy supporters on board
Carlton have renamed Optus oval to the we Quit Oval
Collingwood are looking for a sponser for the new Who Wants a Stadium
Essendon now play at the Martian Stadium
Geelong have now been sponsored by Strandbags for their home and away games
Hawthorn have now renammed the MCG to Waverly Park to please their supporters
Kangaroos have after many various home grounds have renamed the ground Wherever
i lay my hat
Melbourne ave renamed the MCG the Silver Spoon club
Richmond are at home with pooh at the 100 akre wood ground
St Kilda have formed a new partnership with Yarra Water to name Colonial as
Flood Stadium
Sydney want to be fully recognised at home by naming the SCG as Plugger Stadium
Western Bulldogs are happy to speak to any sponsers to name their home ground
Just speak to Mr Mcguire
Brett Turner
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 21:36:24 -0500
Hawthorn: PEROXIDE PARK
Go Tigers,
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 15:42:07 +1000
To make fans feel at home at the docklands I reckon we should rename Colonial
Stadium according to the team that hosts the game.
For example when Collingwood are playing there you would call it Victoria Park,
rename Bourke Street to Hoddle Street and rename Spencer Street Station to
Victoria Park Station.
So if North were playing it would be Arden Street Oval, Arden Street and
Macaulay Station, respectively.
And so on:
The problem is how to lure Melbourne supporters who, by in large, don't even go
to the MCG at winter. So it would be better to rename the docklands Mount
Hotham, and the car park will only let in four-wheel drives with ski gear on
their roof racks.
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 13:48:34 +1000
Colonial Stadium - The Solarium - sunlight is prohibited & the cost of a
visit is roughly the same. This should be Hawthorns' home ground for the
obvious reason & because they are guaranteed to play in the shade.
Paul Stevens
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 15:36:16 +1000
Apparently down at Geelong they have come up with the radical name of
KARDINIA PARK to replace Skilled Stadium, Fagg Park, Baytec Stadium and
Shell Stadium.
Subiaco could be renamed Dr John Barrett Stadium, after the pre-eminent
knee surgeon.
Colonial Stadium has been referred to the Industrial Relations Tribunal and
may be named "The Who Stadium"when one-sided crowds of 40000 plus play
there the noise is so deafenning you can't hear a bloody thing, like at a
Who concert.
Obviously the GAbba must be The Colosseum,where the opponents are fed to
the Lions.
Stadium Australia- The White Elephant
SCG-Australia Post PArk (Postage stamp size)
Optus Oval- The Renovators Delight. Location,Location,Location. situated
close to all amenities,shops,transport,schools,and real sporting stadiums
(incl. Arden Street), the works, and walking distance from the Zoo and
Southbank. A somewhat neglected stadium by its owners,would suit the
budding redeveloper as appeals more as a block of apartments than its
current use. Subject to Council Approved Plans of course.
Lakeside Oval- John Bourke Memorial Oval
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 15:54:16 +1000
Adelaide/Port Adelaide "Rumble Mall"
Brisbane "Madame Tassauds"
Carlton "Jurassic Park"
Collingwood "Tessalaars Tulip Farm"
Essendon "The Alamo'
Freemantle "St.Moritz"
Geelong "Augusta National"
Hawthorn "Keg Restaurant"
Kangaroos "Temptation Island"
Melbourne "Werribee Park"
Richmond "The Rollercoaster".
St.Kilda "Changing Rooms"
Sydney Swans "The Showgrounds"
West Coast "Captain Snooze Store"
Western Bulldogs "The Straight Six"
Regards,
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 17:08:02 +1000
Well what does one say about this week's comp. Not a lot I guess. I mean
how off-brief can you get with this one.
Anyway, I was thinking of the venerable old MCG and the new pup, Colonial.
No one likes the name Colonial, it's named after a company that doesn't
exist anymore.
It suggests old time Victorian values, however it boast a multi-cultural
food court, with the now famous Tandoori Wraps, Sushi Bar et al. Chinese
and Vietnamese food abounds.
At one end of town you have the MCG, at the other end Colonial Stadium, now
to be known as 'the MSG'.
Regards
Michael Fry
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 20:16:29 +1000
Optus Oval THE NIGHTCLUB
Because it^"s difficult to get in if you^"re not a member; and because
it^"s frequented by the likes of Matty Lappin, Brendan Fevola and Ryan
Houlihan.
Football Park STUDIO 54
Windy Hill BRITTNEY SPEARS STADIUM
Victoria Park THE GLASS HOUSE
The SCG THE HOLY GRAIL
Because you can get VB on tap there.
Colonial Stadium THE HOUSE OF HORRORS
Maree from Brunswick
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 21:24:46 +1000
MCG- Mum's roast dinner ( everyone's favourite )
COLONIAL- Spaghetti Bolognese ( the whole things a mess )
OPTUS- Sauce bottle (always nearly empty )
GEELONG- Fish and chips (gotta go down the road to get it )
SCG- The Showbag (people don't care they just want excitement inside)
MANUKA- Dinner with Elle (you know it exists but you'll never see it)
STADIUM AUSTRALIA- Big side of pork (you have to reconfigure the webber to fit
it in)
GABBA- Hundreds and thousands (the colour of the seats)
YORK PARK- Pavlova (u might only see it once a year )
FOOTBALL PARK- The Dog's Dish (Go near it while it's in use and you'll regret
it )
Brian Collery
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 21:24:52 +1000
New name for the MCG
Eddie McGuire is petitioning the MCC to re name it Victoria Park
Geelong's home ground.
Here's a good marketing ploy, instead of changing the name every season, just
add names to it.
This means it would now be known as Kardinia Park/ Ford/ Shell/ Baytec/ Skilled
Stadium
Football Park
Well the Crows and Power want to call it the Ramsgate Hotel.
Speaking of the Ramsgate I missed out on that competition but my front man
would be Bill Goldberg. Afterall there wouldn't be too many Victorians who
would not enjoy watching Bill Goldberg spear than jack knife the entire
Adelaide and Port Power playing lists.
Optus Oval
St.Kilda, Melbourne and most other Victorian clubs, other than Carlton, would
like it to be re named Greenland.
Why? because everyone knows where it is but who the hell wants to go there.
My final one is Subiaco
Picture this as an add on TV similar to one you see regularly.
The camera pans into the dark visiting rooms to a bunch of nervous player.
Suddenly sub titles begin to flash as the camera focuses on individual players
"Will he need physio?"
"Chiropratic?"
"Knee surgery?"
"Plastic Surgery?"
Are they covered, whose looking after them, well somebody better be because
there playing at Australian Unity Stadium Subiaco, where injuries happen enough
to raise our rates.
Bruce McAbee - Hoppers Crossing
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 20:10:59 -0700 (PDT)
Kard/shell/bayt/skilled Stadium down at Geelong is
known to locals as the "Chameleon Stadium". It changes
quicker than the Geelong weather and as the travelling
team approaches for the live to air blockbuster game
they find themselves in a stadium some local clubs
would be ashamed of. They do have a big screen and
electronic scoerboard it's just camouflaged as the
sky.
Scott Nash
Manifold Heights
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 14:43:50 +1000
Dear Simon,
The Bank Street Eight thank you for the opportunity for the right of reply.
This following has been penned in response to David Bean whose outlandish
entry last week seriously defamed the Bank Street Eight.
Dear David,
In reference to your letter dated 16 May 2002, addressing Mr Simon Whelan and subsequently posted on www.coodabeens.com.au, the undersigned call for
an immediate and full public apology.
The accusation of favouritism showed towards the undersigned by Mr Simon
Whelan is without foundation or fact. Under no circumstances do we ask for
or receive favours form the amiable Mr Whelan. For you to accuse the
delicate petal that is Mr Simon Whelan of "Unduly rough bias and blatant
favouritism" is to ignore his innate ability of assessing world class
entries by name only.
Just as David Bellamy can spot a silver wattle form 50 paces down wind or
Troy Dan the opportunity to bare his arse from two post codes , Mr Simon
Whelan can sort the chaff from the hay without actually consuming the
amassed constants or vowels. Indeed, to assume the abovementioned shows
bias at all is to misunderstand the very essence of the competition.
It would be folly not to point out the blatant mistakes by Mr Bean in
repeating the names of Cheryl Harvey or inventing a sister for Cheryl
Critchley. Indeed, these mistakes are indicative of his misdirected and
factually inaccurate correspondence.
Legal counsel will be sought if an apology is not immediately forthcoming .
Sincerely
The Bank Street Eight
Stuart McArthur, Cheryl Harvey, Cheryl Critchley, Doug Long, Greg Hoystead,
Sue Hoystread, Bob the Yank and Tim Goddard
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 15:17:49 +1000
In keeping with the current interest in all things Star Wars, I propose to
(mis)appropriate some of its terminology for these names. The AFL is, in many
ways, its own self-contained universe. Each home ground is like a home planet
for a distinct kind of life form..
The MCG - Planet Coruscant;
The capital of the Galaxy. Enough said.
Waverley Park - The Ice Planet of Hoth;
Remote, unloved, constant blizzards and ultimately evacuated and unlamented.
Kardinia Park - Princess Leia's home planet of Alderan;
Prior to its destruction, she pleads that it is "peaceful and has now weapons."
Skilled Stadium is also a placid, peaceful place, from which no hostile or
aggressive acts have emanated for a very long time; and it certainly holds no
fear for visiting space travelers.
Colonial Stadium - The Death Star;
Once inside, it is impossible to navigate one's way around, or find a way out - just like being caught in a tractor beam. Furthermore, it has also demonstrated
its awesome destructive powers on the balance sheets of the Saints and
Bulldogs.
The Gabba - Planet Kamino;
In the recently released Episode II, this planet is home to a production line
of an army of tough, ruthless genetically engineered clones, who receive
guidance from a 'Lethal' bounty hunter. Their power is such that they will soon
overwhelm the rest of the galaxy.
Optus Oval - Mos Eisley Space Port;
In the words of Obi-wan Kenobi: "You will never find a more wretched hive of
scum and villainy.."
Football Park - The desert planet of Tattooine;
A remote, desolate place. For visiting Victorians, walking through the car park
after a game is akin to taking one's chances in the bleak Tattooine deserts,
with the ever-present risk of being set upon by hordes of the brutal,
sub-human, monosyllabic sandpeople. (Port Power fans.)
The SCG - The forest moon of Endor;
Endor is populated by Ewoks - soft, unintimidating and touchy-feely. Despite being loud and vocal, they are unlikely to strike much fear into the opposition
and can't really be taken seriously as warriors. A bit like the Swans fans
really.
Subiaco - Not sure of its name, but whatever planet was home to Chewbacca;
If there is one thing which John Worsfold's playing style could possibly be
described as, it was something akin to an angry 8-foot wookie on the rampage,
pulling people's arms out of their sockets when he loses. A fitting inhabitant
of the Cauldron of Death.
Ben Davies, Wantirna
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 12:03:12 +0000
Dear Coodabeens,
Ah whats in a name... The Cauldren of Fear as Subiaco is now know is indeed living up to it's name but perhaps a more apt name and one which would best describe the real reason that the WA teams are winning would be A GROUND TOO FAR. Following are a few other aptly nick named home grounds which I have heard lately. Down in Geelong where ground name changes are an annual event, a few supporters have described their last couple of performances as something which belonged in THE LITTER BOX. Out at old Windy Hill they have nicked named the ground after their coach and now just refer to it as MARS, however in their current circumstances perhaps M.A.S.H. would be more appropriate. Down in Adelaide town Football Park is now referred to as THE CROW'S NEST, and we all know that a bird doesn't play like poo in their own nest. Optus Oval is to be renamed THE PLAGUE as it seems to be the ground all teams, even the Blues, want to avoid. Melbourne's home ground, wherever that may be, will be known as HELL and the great thing about that nick name is that it can be used whether the Dees are having a season like 2000 or one like 2001 it's interchangeable. Tiger fans renown ability for turning on their players, coachs and/or administrators very sharply after a couple of losses has brought a new nick name to Punt Road aptly named SAFARI LAND after at new ride at Disneyland where Bwana takes you on a trip to shoot paper tigers and it fits right into the song as well "oh we're from SAFARI LAND......" However probably the most precisley nick named ground of the last couple of years is out at Moorabbin which is now simply referred to as the DEN OF INCOMPETENCY. Ah what's in a name Regards
Bob the Yank
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 10:47:43 +0100 (BST)
Geelongs Home Ground Constantinople
Whitten Oval The Ministry of Truth;
Windy Hill ^÷ Easter Island;
Home to a lot of very big heads
Colonial Stadium Tora Bora;
Punt Road The Abattoir;
Moorabbin The Kitchen;
Waverley Park The Normandy Beaches;
Lakeside Oval Pearl Harbour;
Stadium Australia Pauline Hanson Park
Attracted an awful lot of attention from the rest of
the world a couple of years ago, but hasnt been heard
of since
Optus Oval Malcolm Fraser Park
- Dale Peterson,
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 22:03:47 +1000
Adelaide Crows: The Murder Bowl
Big John from Leopold
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 09:12:57 +1000
Please find the following as my suggested Ground names a la Cauldron of
Fear and please accept my sincere apologies for submitting yet another
boring entry that is actually relevant to the topic.
Victoria Park (Ex Collingwood, Yarra Falls end specifically); A Plethora
of Parolees
Regards,
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 09:43:48 +1000
How about "The Sauna" (Gabba) "Full Metal Jacket" (Colonial) "The Short Par
3" (SCG)
Best regards, John Bunker
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 10:41:21 +1000
Simon,
I believe Kardinia Park should be renamed "The Cuckoo's Nest" due to the
ongoing need for medication for Geelong supporters. On a visit for more
anti-depressents earlier this year my G.P. assumed that I was there because
I had heard we got Gurgich. Mind you, he barracks for Melbourne and has a
stupid looking toy demon in his consulting room, so what does that tell you?
Regards,
Susan Holmes
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 01:02:59 +0000
I really reckon these Perth clubs are trying to stop traditional values,
stadiums around the world have always and should always be nicknamed the
HOUSE OF PAIN. Here are some examples for the existing ground.
Colonial - House of Pain, but no Rain
Waverly - House of Pain, Rain and a tidy amount of money if divided into sub
lots
MCG - The House of Pain and blankies to keep knees warm
Footy Park, Vic Park, Optus - House of Pain and the clinically insane
Marnika - The house of pain and no apparent gain (for any team playing
there)
SCG - House of Pain for Sydney coaches
Gabba - House of Pain, sun, surf, blonde poroxided hair and a sense of real
apathy towards the result
Subiaco (when freo play there) - House of Pain and strong sense of Irony
each time one of their star recruits kicks a winning goal against their old
team
Skilled Stadium - Could be renamed Kardina Park or perhaps it could be known
as "The house of Pain but not as painful as the trip back to Melbourne after
they crank up the roadworks as soon as the game finishes"
Travis Bull
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 11:42:07 +1000
Dear Simon,
A good competition topic to bring back football to grass roots level when
grounds were known by their position not by who has the biggest advertising
budget. My proposals for new ground names are as follows :
GABBA - "Temple of Doom" or "Hell" - Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
STADIUM AUSTRALIA - "Tanya Blancoe Pitch" - If not for the "pitch' of a 11
year old girl the stadium would never have been built. The name also is
suitable for other codes of football.
SCG - "Vacillation Venue" - Like the changeable, fickle fans in Sydney this
ground is ideally situated for crowds that switch from supporting their
heroes to abusing them even though they probably got their tickets for free.
COLONIAL STABLE - "Stonehenge" - No matter where you sit in this amazing
example of modern architecture or what time of the day it is ......the sun
will shine in your eyes.
KARDINIA/SHELL/BAYTEC/SKILLED STADIUM" - "Insert Name Here Stadium" -
Geelong's club song will now take on the appearance of a baptism service.
For example.....
See the banner fly from dawn to dark
Down at (How do you name this stadium?)......Park
WAVERLEY - "Easter Island" - Hundreds of years from now, people will come
across what is left of the once mighty members stand and wonder, why it was
built, how it was built, where did the material come form and who built it.
FOOTBALL PARK - "The Church of the Later Day Saints" or "The House of Moron"
- A church is appropriate in Adelaide and it is amazing what results you get
if you leave a couple of letters out.
Regards,
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 11:34:26 +1000
Optus Oval The Garbage Tip,
It seems to be located as far away from the richer homes, MCG, Colonial Stadium, as possible.
Cheers
Luke Gillies,
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 14:21:04 +1000
I've opted for the obvious answers which will be shared by 37% of entrants;
Footy Park- Feral Park
Needless Editorial Comment:
Damien Joyce, NORTH OLD BOYS
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 14:41:02 +1000
Dear Simon
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 16:20:35 +1000
Dear Simon, hope you are well. Here is our entry for
this week even though I am sure it won't be read out. But we are not
bitter...we're going forward...
Subiaco - The Rose Bowl - after Rose Hancock - because ugly incidents
happen there.
Football Park - The Theatre. No explanation required
The Gabba - Powerball Stadium - because there is a million in one chance of
winning there.
Colonial Stadium - when the Saints are playing - Shakespeare Stadium -
because a lot of tragedies are played out there.
Colonial Stadium - when Essendon are playing - Windy Hill - because it is
still very hard to beat them there.
>From Faction 3366 (Paul Russo/John Clements) 19 Keith St Parkdale
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 18:20:34 +1000
Football Park - Now to be called The Cauldron of Slight Unease (because it's on
the way to the Cauldron of Fear)
MCG - The Cauldron of the MCC (and all of you riff raff can just remember that, despite the fact that we expect your taxes to contribute to it becoming a
bigger, better Cauldron of the MCC)
Colonial - The Pressure Cooker (Cauldron with a lid)
Baytec Stadium - The Frankie Valli Oval. The renaming would coincide with a
new theme song for Geelong Football Club - "Oh What a night (late September
1963") which should stand the test of time, if the last 39 years are anything
to go by.
The GABBA - SteamWorx (should attract a whole new crowd and would hopefully
coincide with the return of tight tight Capper-style shorts which we miss so
much)
Manuka Oval - Ground Zero (in recognition of the number of teams actually
interested in relocating to Canberra in the next 1000 years)
Optus Oval - The House of Elliot (it's that TV show all over again with the
hunky Jack now dealing with the twin difficulties of marital separation and the
struggle to keep the expanded venture afloat despite pressure from financiers
to close shop)
SCG - South Melbourne North Cricket Ground (never forget your roots)
Jill Brewer
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 20:56:07 +1000
Si
Thank you for providing and facilitating a process that rewards mediocrity -
much appreciated.
"The Home of Football"
Skinner Reserve. With the imminent departure of the pre-season competition,
the first scheduled practice match at Skinner Reserve will signal the
official birth of the football season.
"City of Adelaide Correctional Facility"
v
Over-policed sporting venue to them, an appropriately staffed and funded
correctional facility for dangerous detainees to us.
Oliver Kysela
Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 10:23:07 +1000
Simon,
Sorry we're late - been in QLD.
I think the MCG should be called Pukerpunyl on Saturday as the Roos slaughter
will be happening. I also think Optus Oval should become the Matthew Lappin
Oval - that's only so I can finally win this competition!
Jac says to forget trying to be 'clever' and just win the prize by re-naming
the MCG the 'Greg and Sue Hoysted Oval', Colonial stadium the 'Cheryl Stadium'
(Harvey and Critchley) and Optus Oval the 'Stuart McArthur Oval'. None of this
is particularly funny, but as our entry now includes all the 'teacher's pets'
names we are hopeful you'll talk too long to mention their entries and will
keep them happy by mentioning their names in this entry.
Jac & Pete Kilgour
P.S. In the late 80's I was aboard 'Fairstar the funship' with Dermott
Brereton. I have many a 'secret' to tell as to what happened during those two
weeks, all will be revealed (including photos) upon my husband winning this
bloody competition. Curious Simon?????
'Jac' of 'Jac and Pete Kilgour'
From: Paul Martin
Last Saturday night being an example: was another dinner party.
Where "Zee Lounge Room", had become a cauldron of TEARS.
Paul "not if I had a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron,
could I describe all the forms of torment" Martin.
From: Jim and Julie
Marketing?
Temptation?
From: Michele Blight
2.. The MCG
3.. Manuka Oval
4.. SCG
After the game is over Commander Pagan signals the K.S.S. Enterprise
"23 to beam up Mr Scott"
From: paul prole
From: Jamie Sanderson
From: Peter O'Sullivan
Melbourne Optus The Hamptons
From: Cheryl Harvey
Colonial when St Kilda plays - Medicare Oval (No card, no play)
Colonial when Bulldogs play - Stadium of Yips
Skilled Stadium at Geelong - Blue Light Disco-So many kiddies!
Optus Oval when Carlton play - Anzac Cove - 2 reasons- 1. They are the
oldest playing team and the ground is the last of the true suburban
grounds!)
SCG - The Waugh Zone - Starting to be the ground where everyone struggles
for form!
The Gabba - Brisbane go so well here and being Qld and cane country it has
to be 'Field of Fire'
Football Park - Crows and Port are almost unbeatable at home so I think
Colgate Oval is appropriate with the 'Ring of Confidence'!
From: Tony Scoullar
From: "[iso-8859-1] Peter and Julieanne Rhodes"
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Not to be too sychophantic, but thanks for the read last week. Your
material worked better than the original.
Name A Ground.
In the Middle Ages, men of importance such as abbotts, archbishops and
cardinals used to fund the building of their glorious edifices through
donations made by visiting pilgrims. (Much as modern ground development
is funded today.)
To attract pilgrims, it was necessary to have within the cathedral,
abbey or church, something of great mystical power, such as the bones of
a saint or splinters from the true cross. Such relics were held within
elaborate containers called reliquaries.
In modern times, this practice survives. There is an elaborate edifice
recently "redeveloped" that contains the broken and decayed bones of a
once great football team. The Carlton Recreation Reserve in Princes
Park, (known on four days in the year as Optus Oval), should henceforth
be known as THE RELIQUARY.
From: Mr michael gregory
My idea is to rename the MCG the house of pain because hopefully Collingwood
supporters will feel it in round 22 when they miss the eight.
From: Mark Smith
Foopball Park-Westlakes winelovers
Kardinia Park-Oval of optimism
Princes Park- Elliot's Excellent Eclipse(the crowd must be hiding behind each
other cos I can't see as many here as they say)
MCG-Collection of Cantebury Coiffures Colliseum
From: mike ballantyne
It isn't just one of your holiday games . . ."
From: christopher lees
"It really is a Crappy Circus"
Lane Cove.
Sydney
From: MICHAEL WALKER
From: greg boyd
I'm a long time listener,first time entrant so be kind!
Richmond-THE HOUSE OF PINE-so all their supporters can come out of the woodwork
after a win
From: steven watson
Steven Watson
From: stuart mcarthur
So they should call it "Gadda da Vida". Upstairs could then be the Outer
Gadda da Vida, and downstairs the "Inner Gadda da Vida".
If the upstairs Chinese food outlet ran out of honey, they could dash
downstairs and borrow the "Inner Gadda da Vida honey...."
Optus Oval: The Wall
Bellerive: Dark Side of the Moon
Subiaco: Welcome to my Nightmare
St Kilda boardroom: Thick as a Brick
Because just last Tuesday, while Simon was blasting the waitress for giving
him a latte when she KNOWS he's a macchiato man, Doug Long revealed that
only SIX of HIS last seven entries had been read out too. He would have
gotten a group hug if Bob The Yank hadn^"t that moment choked on his custard
profiterole. (lucky for Bob the Critchleys are full bottle on the Heimlich
manouvre.)
From: David Bean
From: Kevin Hoey
From: Adam Ellerton
From: D Long
Optus Oval Small (but significant) change - The Cauldron of Pains
Wayne (leading his players up the race): I am going straight to Danny to
apologise
Greg Stafford (smirking): But, captain
Wayne: No, forget it; I need to do it
Greg: (smirking even more) But, but, but
Wayne: No, Greg! (faces coach with head bowed very, very low): Umm, Arr,
Coach, sorry about kicking the wrong way.
COACH: No problem, do it as often as you like.
Greg (finally): But Captain, you^"ve taken us into the Eagles rooms!
Yes, the AFL has twigged to the fact that the Magpie finals series goes for
four weeks beginning on ANZAC Day. Thus, they have planned it for the
Collingwood GF to be played at Collo Stadium against Brisbane. So the Pies
are the May Premiers in 2002. This explains why last week Eddie was over the
top in his celebrations and Mick Malthouse had a silly grin.
From: Fiona & Brett Turner
From: Cheryl Critchley
Richmond: PARYLITIC PARK
Geelong: PRE-PUBESCENT PARK
Essendon: POSERS PARK
St Kilda: PARANOID PARK
Brisbane: POST-MODERN PARK
Melbourne: POONCY PARK
Kangaroos: PAUPER PARK
Western Bulldogs: PATCHY PARK
Carlton: PRE-LOVED PARK
Sydney: PATHETIC PARK
Adelaide: PAROCHIAL PARK
Port Adelaide: PETROL HEAD PARK
Freo: PLAIN PARK
West Coast: PLAYBOY PARK
AND
Collingwood: CROWN, TAC, EMIRATES, HERALD SUN, WIZARD, MARS, HYUNDAI,
HOLDEN, FORD, TOYOTA, MAZDA, MCDONALDS, KFC, PIZZA HUT, CADBURY, HARVEY
NORMAN, FRANCO COZZO, FUSSY FURNITURE FELLA, SABA, CUB, TOOHEYS, FOUR
XXXX, VB, MELBOURNE BITTER, CARLTON DRAUGHT, FOSTERS, CROWN LAGER,
ABBOTTS LAGER, DUFF BEER, DAVID JONES, MYER, K-MART, BIG W, TARGET,
DIMMEYS, FORGES, FOSSEYS, COLES, SAFEWAY, BI-LO OVAL.
Cheryl Critchley
From: Ilan Katz
St Kilda: Moorabbin Oval, Linton Street, and Moorabbin Station.
Essendon: Windy Hill, Napier Street, and Essendon Station
Bulldogs: Western Oval, Geelong Road, West Footscray Station.
Etc. etc.
Ilan Katz
From: Paul Stevens
From: David Mcniece
From: peter vexler
The shared venue has many duels over the season chasing the pig skin, but
the highlight occurs after the local derby, when the combatants pick up the
glasses to compete in the boat races. This year got rather heated when
Port's Josh accused the Crow's leader of cheating, by drinking from a '7'er
instead of the regulation 'Pot'.
Some scribes are already claiming this current side will be etched into
immortality.
Bradles and a couple of others date back to the age of dinosaurs.
Here's a suggestion for Eddie,swap names, so instead of the Tulips blooming
in September, they will come out in May for Mother's day at Victoria Park,
and the Pies might start winning games in September.
Sheed's would like us to think that the Bombers were always in a struggle
against overwhelming odds (not enough reserves on the bench etc., etc.).
Sheeds's would cast himself as Davy Crockett, and have the boy Hird running
around as Jim Bowie.
There have been just as many spills and breaks playing Freo at home, as
there were at the former Upper Esplanade home of Ice Skating.
The Cats would feel at home with Greg Norman here, particularly in
1967,1989,1992,1994 & 1995.
The family restaurant for the 'Family Club'.
It's rumoured the club's first contestant got no further than the toilet
in the plane, on the way to the secret destination.
This would be like the second home for the Dee's supporters, as they
wouldn't feel out of place in their Range Rovers, watching hockey on
horseback.
This is like the ups and downs the fair weather supporters at Tigerland
must endure every second week, win one,lose one, win one, lose one......
Some of the recent changes at Linton street feature, Watson's Wailing Wall,
Blighty's Bathroom, Stan's Solarium, Ken's Kitchen, Tony's Toilet,Swamp
Foxes Sauna etc,etc..
This is what it is going to be like watching the Swans play at Stadium
Australia.
This is the place you'd want to be at, when watching the Eagles play.
This goes to prove, even though the boys might have the local knowledge of
the Maribyrnong Flats, they still can't work whether to kick at goals from
the Rails or the Grandstand side on match day.
Peter Vexler
From: Fry Michael
From: Maree & Dave
Because thats the average IQ of the fans who go there.
Because 90% of Essendons fans are under the age of 15.
Because Collingwood supporters are so fragile at the moment; especially
if you dare to suggest they're overrated.
Because of the look of HORROR on the fans faces when they see the
price of a seat on Level 2;
Because of the look of HORROR on the players faces when the surface
causes another injury;
Because of the look of HORROR on the Presidents faces when they
realise they arent getting any money from the gate receipts;
and
Because of the look of HORROR on Tony Leonards face when he realises
that the pies have run out and he has to have sushi.
From: BRIAN J COLLERY
From: Bruce G McAbee
From: scott nash
Ask Lance he'll tell ya.
From: Tim Goddard
From: Ben Davies
From: Bob Crain
From: "[iso-8859-1] Dale Peterson"
Its had so many name changes over the years that you
lose track of what its current name is
Its residents are renowned for their inaccuracy
Impossible to penetrate
Visiting teams in the days of Jack Dyer would have
concurred with its description as a brutal
slaughterhouse. So would every coach of the Tiges
since 1975
Home to plenty of wooden spoons, plenty of knifings
and plenty of big messes over the years
Getting there was a daunting logistical exercise.
Getting out of there was even more dangerous
Home to many sitting ducks (swans?) over the years
Disliked and resented for many years by his enemies,
now even his own side are distancing themselves from
him
Vermont
From: Sharon
Geelong: The grade 6 playground; this will strike fear into all the young
Auskickers who are scheduled to play at halftime
Melbourne: Magnaminous Cavern of Glory
Brisbane: The Den of Defeat
Bulldogs (Colonial): The Broken Damn!!; because you cannot stop the flood
Optus Oval: Brittain's Boneyard
Saints (Colonial) : The House of Horror; the ride of your life where you can
expect the unexpected
From: Darren_Wharton@tac.vic.gov.au
Manuka Oval (Kangaroos); The Roadhouse of re-location
Optus Oval (Carlton and all the other teams that don't want to play
there); Arena of Abandonment
Foopall Park (Port Adelaide): The Oval of over policing.
Shell/Baytec/Skilled Stadium (Geelong): Kardinia Park
Darren Wharton
From: John BUNKER
Thanks for a great show.
From: "Holmes, Susan"
Go Baby Gary and the Little Uns!!!
From: Travis Bull
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Peter Treseder
From: Luke Gillies
Melbourne Supporters wouldnt be seen dead driving their land rover there.
People cant understand why it must be used when perfectly good alternatives are available
And finally everyone knows it stinks but you have to go their twice a year
Yarra Valley Old Boys
From: Damien Joyce
Optus Oval- Princes Park
Baytec Stadium- Kardinia Park
Colonial- The Glasshouse or maybe even Flinders Park
MCG- The Great MCG, complete with Great Southern Stand. Only to be changed
to the Southern Cross Stadium by the state government.
SCG- Noahs Ark
Gabba- Hell on Earth (too hot and you've been given the death sentence if
you are drawn up there)
The Wacker- The W.A.C.A Ground (complete with Covey in Dennis' voice)
In light of the Wood's win last week, as Leigh Matthews and some other bloke
famously said, "if it bleeds, we can kill it." I'm happy to announce that
the Lions are on the wane as they are losing their aura and sides are
realising they are beatable(similar to what happened to the Dons last year),
and won't win it this year.
From: Default User
When Champs mentioned Swinger's Hill, Canberra, last week while running
through oddly named Canberra suburbs, it drew a few chuckles from the
(immature) panel. Swinger's Hill is not that far from Manuka, and Manuka
Oval is a terribly boring name by anyone's standards. Even DOWNER OVAL
would inspire more public servants to sample a game of AFL than MANUKA
OVAL. I think that if North renamed their ground SWINGER'S OVAL then
they might even get along the B&S crowd from nearby towns in country
NSW.
regards
Jane Harris.
From: The Russos
From: Walter Gerardi
From: Oliver Kysela
From: Jac & Pete