The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Three:
Tony's interpretation of the Footscray v. North game at Docklands last week involved the use of classical allusion to explain Nathan Brown's tempting of the Footall Gods.
Tony thought that from the moment NB showed the ball to David King, the game became something to do with a Trojan Horse and King Canute.
Confused?
Well so are we. For this week's competition we want you to contstruct a classical or mythological allegory to explain some other footballl event of your choice that is equally inappropriate and undecipherable.
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 22:34:30 +1000
Dear Simon,
Myths and legends of the game can be noted in many places. Peter Schwab
suddenly became Noah after the Hawks overcame the Bulldogs' flood in
round 21 2000.
Paul Van Der Haar and Trevor Barker must both have been related to
Daedalus and his father in that they soared so close to the sun on
occasions that the wax in their wings melted and they crashed
terrifyingly to earth.
Malcolm Blight must be equated to Perseus in that the Eagles repeatedly
swooped down and devoured his internal organs, yet he rose again each
day and overcame the punishment of the gods by bringing fire to
Adelaide.
All of these and countless others are worthy of mention, but you won't
read them so why bother?
I leave you with the ultimate Greek God. The man who completed all of
the legendary labours of Hercules in one afternoon when he carried on
his shoulders the "B Grade" Carlton team to defeat the Essendon team of
the millennium in the '99 Prelim Final. The ulitmate mythical analogy is
Greg (and Sue) Hoysted
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 17:39:57 +1000
Hi guys,
Kangaroos V Geelong and Germanic Mythology.. Discuss.
In Germanic Mythology the wife of Odin was FRIGG. Their second son was Balder "the bleeding god" renowned for his good looks and wisdom. When Balder dreamed of impending harm, Frigg extracted a promise from all created things except the mistletoe that no harm should befall her son. Balder was killed by a shaft of mistletoe flung by Hodr, the blind god used by LOKI, the "mischief maker" of the Germanic gods, as a catspaw.
Last week Geelong defeated the Kangaroos by 8 points.
In conclusion, they were Frigg'n Loki !!!!
Regards, Paul Martin.
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 11:45:10 +1000
I have three matches that brought instant images to mind albeit they are not
all myths and legends but I feel they fit the moment.
Carlton v Collingwood on Friday night....Buckley reminded me of Oberon, King
of the Fairies in 12th Night! After Licuria and Kinnear passed to the
Carlton forwards I suspect their wings were beginning to emerge and they
were just doing a good deed that all fairies must perform to obtain their
wings, I could tell that their King (a.k.a.Bucks) was justifiably proud of
them as he had his head on the ground kneeling in homage to their
unselfishness.
Richmond v Melbourne on Saturday arvo....Wayne Campbell as David in the last
quarter who took on the might of the Philistines (a.k.a.Melbourne) and their
hero Goliath (a.k.a.Jeff White) with one twist..it was not David who slung
the stone (footy) but Goliath who flung it back at young David who with the
grace of God on his side accepted it humbly, showing it to a compatriot
christian in Ottens who promptly made it an offering to the man in white
(a.k.a archangel Gabriel), causing the Philistines (a.k.a.Melbourne
supporters) to turn tail and leave the hallowed ground in great haste!
Brisbane v Essendon on Sat. night.....brought to mind a line from an
historic battle...Into the valley of death rode the 600 (a.k.a. 18 bombers +
General Sheedy). They knew it was a hopeless task against the ever advancing
army of lions but they fought a brave battle to the death hopelessly
outnumbered with their Major Hird fighting in the mud beside them until no
more were left standing.
Cheryl Harvey (Would it help if my surname was Critchely???????)
From: Haydn.Quirk@sewl.com.au
G'day Simon
Who said outside influences don't affect the outcome of a game?
Helen Dominko in the '82 Grand Final was Lady Godiva and the Tiger's were
peeping Tom
Because of her we never won that game & didn't make the finals for the next
13 years.
Haydn Quirk
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 15:36:20 +1000
Title-The Mag-trix
Genre-Science Fiction and Fantasy.
"'The Mag-trix" is a movie with a lot of ideas, but it is unmistakably a rousing action-thriller at the same time. Many of the fight scenes in the story dramatically demonstrate the evolution of Neo's character and the power of his adversaries. The style of these physical confrontations grows directly from the nature of The Mag-trix.
"Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream, Neo? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?"
Neo (Micael Malthouse) has spent most of his life searching for the answer to that question. It tortures him like a splinter in his mind, threatening to drive him mad. Neo believes that Morpheus (Eddie McGuire), someone he knows only through legend, an elusive figure considered to be the most influential man alive, can give him the answer.
Neo is contacted by Trinity (Nathan Buckley), a beautiful stranger who leads him into another world, an underworld where at last he meets Morpheus. There, Neo, Morpheus and Trinity fight a brutal battle for their lives against a cadre of viciously intelligent secret agents. Every move, every second, every thought is crucial once Neo learns the truth about The Mag-trix.
It is a truth that could cost Neo something more precious than his life.
Starring
Actors Comments
Mick Malthouse as Neo
"I play an interesting character called Thomas Anderson, known later as Neo. He is someone who is alienated from the world around him and indeed very suspicious of life itself. He is searching for something that will somehow make sense of his life, and believes that Morpheus, Eddie McGuire's character, has the answers to all his questions."
Eddie McGuire as Morpheus
Says McGuire, "My character, Morpheus, is the leader of this band of people and they move in and out of the 'real' world searching for the one person they believe can help them in their quest. The broader themes in the movie have to do with reality versus hyper-reality, and the difference between what's real and what you perceive to be real."
Nathan Buckley as Trinity
The character of Trinity was a little more difficult to cast; she is tough and deeply committed to the cause. Yet she is emotionally vulnerable to Neo and what he might mean to all of their futures.
Anthony Rocca as Cypher
"Trinity is a very has a real mission and purpose in life and will do anything to achieve that mission. In a sense she's a true warrior. But at the same time she's capable of real love and compassion, which we see in the love that she feels for Neo. "
West Coast Eagles as Agent Smith
When quized on the role of Agent Smith, The Eagles said"This was very different from the type of film and character I normally play. My character, Agent Smith, is a complex role and was a great challenge. Agent Smith is a law enforcement officer and a seemingly invincible machine. He has certain human frailties, though, like anger, pride and arrogance." In the final battle with Neo, the result could go either way and Smith is vanquished.
Mark Oraniuk
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 17:08:42 +1000
Dear Coodabeens
Your Mythological or Classical Allegory ("YMCA") Team of the Multi-Millennia
As I, like many viewers, have absolutely no idea what Tony was on (or is on
about), and given that being off-brief entries are forgiven and, in some
cases, mandatory, here is my entry, a team from the Backline:
Full Back:
Half Back:
Centre:
Half Forward:
Full Forward:
Rucks:
Interchange:
Coach Sisyphus (The 'Blight' of any coach to push a team up the
ladder and try, in vein, not to let it slip back down)
Assistant Coach Rodin (Good analytical brain to bounce ideas off. Known
as 'The Thinker')
Runner Philippidis (Nicknamed the Marathon Man)
Doctors Dr Frankenstein (Good man with stitches)
Emergencies Julius Caesar (comes into his own after March),
Umpire Pygar (The blind and not overly bright guy from Barbarella - no
explanation necessary)
Michael from Mentone
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 21:31:14 +1000
It was like the last scenes of the movie, Gallipoli. After training on
Thursday night, Terry Wallace gathered his players together and said, "Well,
this is it, boys. There's no avoiding it. We face the Brisbane Lions on
Saturday. Remember, we're the Western Bulldogs!" As he retired to his office
for a glass of red as he listened to a soulful version of Sons of the 'Scray
and contemplated what his future could have been, his players wrote last
letters to their families to pin on their lockers with their watches and other
jewellery.
The Media Gods of War were not happy with this, however. "We've made the Lions
too good - no-one's going to watch anymore. They know the ending. They'll go
to Seven, the ABC or even World Movies on SBS. We have to rewrite the ending.
Where's Lurrhman?"
Lurrhman had a few ideas and the gods had their parts to play. On the trip
down, the Lions were served the dodgy orange juice. At the hotel, they got the
short beds with the lumpy mattresses. Revealing information about their
personal lives appeared in a newsletter pushed under the doors of their hotel
rooms. Meanwhile, there was an electrical storm followed by a deluge in
Melbourne. The power went out at Colonial, the roof couldn't be closed and the
ground was under a foot of water. The only available ground was the Whitten
Oval.
When the Brisbane Lions ran out to face the Bulldogs, the all-kicking,
all-dancing Bulldogs emerged from the race in an Irish dancing chorus line led
by Chris Grant. It was a nightmare for the Lions. They sank in the mud, while
the ghosts of players past loomed out at them, vicious, snarling, fearsome men,
chanting, "Give it to them!" On the boundary, a chorus of Bulldog grannies
chanted curses and the umpires leered at them with their red, white and blue
mouthguards. In their sleep-starved, stomach cramping, terrified state the
Lions failed to score while the Bulldogs kicked in formation as they pleased.
At the end of the game, the supporters joined the players on the ground for a
spectacular version of We Are the Champions led by Terry Wallace.
The shattered Lions fled to the airport, dreading the trip to Melbourne from
then on and interest in the competition was revived.
The Media Gods were well pleased.
This may not quite fit the criteria, but it was fun to think about!
Sharon Welgus
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 11:57:22 +0000
Sorry Si but can I JUST say one thing....
(Just like James Joyce with Ulysses, I edited it down from twenty pages of
material)
cheers Simon (and Tony!!)
Stuart McArthur
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 22:33:00 +1000
It was the ides of March (well just after anyway) in ancient Rome and the crowd
had gathered for what promised to be a match to end all matches. It pitted the
strong against the mighty. The ferocious against the fierce. The precocious
against the cocky, the fast against the furious........well you get my drift.
Both teams would be coached by the wisest of the wise. Foxing Maximus would
coach the ESSERdon (As the commentators say!)Christians, while Point Postus
Breakus would be in charge of the Northern Coliseum Lions.
The ESSERdon Christians were buoyed by their seemingly effortless win against
the lesser of the jungle beasts, the Tigers in the previous week at the Great
Southern Coliseum. But a mere Tiger is but fodder when facing the king of the
Jungle The Mighty Northern Coliseum Lions.
The build up to the main event was as usual dominated by headline grabbing
Foxing Maximus. In a previous encounter he had been unable to partake in the
traditional shaking of hands as it had been taken by one of the fierce lions on
that very day when the assumed possession of the cup resulted in Foxings hand
still being attached when snatched by those mighty lions.
And his evil brother Smoking Maximus had ensured from his Optus Coliseum that
this significant milestone would be held in the Northernmost stadium in the
land by changing the addition of games coached.
The day came and all took pity on the Christians (we'll not really we enjoyed
it immensely) as the Lions unleashed their talons and tore the poor Christians
to within an inch of their life.
We watched as they were put through the agony of defeat, and there was much
rejoicing!! YAY, YAY!
We watched as they wandered off bewildered, and there was much rejoicing!! YAY,
YAY!
And we watch as Foxing Maximus tried to blame the Martians once again, and
there was much rejoicing!! YAY, YAY!
(This is the bit where I mention Matty Lappin and Stuart to guarantee Si reads
it!!! Optional Addition to the story, but maybe this can win in lieu of next
week SI!!!!)
And all the while young Matty Lappinus and the Macarthrus boy were watching.
Bill Bridge
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:16:50 +0000
Rodney Eade was apparently being wooed by the hierachy at Fremantle for some
time & finally put to bed the needless chasing with this little anonymous
chinese proverb. The story goes something like this:
"The Hermit poet Chang Tzu (Rodney) was angling in the River Pu (Parramatta
River). The king of Ch'u (Fremantle) sent two noblemen to invite Chang to come
before him. "We were hoping you would take on certain affairs of the state,"
they said. Holding his pole steady and without looking at them Chang Tzu
(Rodney) said, "I hear Ch'u (Fremantle) has a sacred tortoise that has been
dead three thousand years, and the King has it enshrined in a cushioned box in
the ancestral hall" (right next to the replica America's Cup Trophy). Do you
think the tortoise would be happier wagging his tail in the mud than having his
shell honoured?" (As all prior Fremantle Coaches have been). "Of course,"
replied the two noblemen. "Then begone," said Chang Tzu (Rodney). I mean to
keep wagging mine in the mud (Sydney).
Regards,
Dicko (Ballarat)
From: Darren_Wharton@tac.vic.gov.au
Dear Coodabeens,
In line with the competition task set last week re philosophical outlooks on football I humbly submit the following with regards to the round 3 results.
May I just state for the record that I have never met Simon Whelan, nor was I in attendance at his wedding although I hear it was a very pleasant occasion.
Port Adelaide v St Kilda:
Will to Power by Frederick Neitchze. What doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger. Well then either St Kilda are totally dead or next week they will have supernatural strength as they were just about killed by the Power from Port (its more than a sport its a true Port Adelaide tradition) last Sunday.
Brisbane v Essendon;
Predator by Arnold Swarzenegger. If it bleeds, you can kill it .... again and again and again ... please.
Carlton v Collingwood
Comments by Simon Whelan. Its a tragedy that one of them has to win.
Richmond v Melbourne
Journeys from the Bandwagon by most Richmond & Melbourne supporters.Remember its not whether you win or lose that counts its whether you turn up the following week after you lose and the venom with which you turn on the coach, the administratoion and the players thats more important.
Adelaide v Sydney
Where's the invite a Swan section by bewildered Sydney fans mercilesssly spat on by Crows fans at"Foopall Park" last Saturday. Bewildered Sydney fans were cast down amongst the ferrel Crows fans when they expected to be sipping a 1996 Penfolds Adelaide Hills "Trial Bin" Chardonnay with the people they thought were half a chance at being their cultural equals.
Kangaroos v Geelong
The quality of mercy is not strained by William Shakespeare (Mechant of Venice). Shylock the ruthless bank manager (formerly known as Lance from Lara) comes to Colonial Stadium to extract a pound of flesh from a debtor, either one he's not too fussed, he just wants to go to the food court after the game.
West Coast v Bulldogs
Big Brother by some deranged bloke at Channel 10. Tune in for a look at the antics of 2 Football teams striving for supremacy under harsh conditions. Cry when BIG TROY nominates 22 little blokes from inner suburban Western Melbourne for eviction and subsequently throws them out of the Subiaco house on his own.
Hawthorn v Fremantle
Joseph and his amazing technicolur dreamcoat by Exodus (ruthlessly plagiarised by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber);
An absolute myriad of colours and petty jealousies as Joseph (Trent Croad) in his technicolour dream coat (the Fremantle jumper) attempt to win the affections of the Tasmanian crowd (the wandering Israelites)
Darren Wharton
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 11:40:18 +1000
Classical allusions ? A few that spring to mind :
Sean Smith Like Icarus, the injury-prone Smith flew recklessly close to the
sun Sam Newman Given his penchant for appearing on TV in various states of
undress, one wonders if, like Narcissus, he has spent too long
gazing lovingly at the reflection in the pool (ie, the mirror at the
gym) St Kilda Fans Like Sisyphus (pronounce that carefully), they must have
somehow angered the gods, and are condemned to spend eternity in
futile pursuit of an unattainable goal Ron Evans & Wayne Jackson Thought they had outsmarted everyone with their AFL TV-rights negotiations, only to find that they had opened Pandora's Box Wayne Carey Ah, where do we begin ?
Like Paris, he brought down a kingdom, because he couldn't leave
another man's wife alone
Like Achilles, he was an invincible warrior with just one fatal flaw
(a little higher in the anatomy than Achilles' heel)
Like Shakespeare's Caesar, he needed a minder to whisper in his
ear "Remember Caesar, thou art mortal" (or maybe "For @#$%
sake Wayne, think what will happen if you get sprung !").
Come to think of it, didn't it all come out somewhere around the
Ides of March ?
Adrian Jackson, Blackburn South,
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 19:48:36 +1000
Simon,
To appreciate this, I hope you are familiar with the 1963 mythical movie
spectacular 'Jason and the Argonauts'.
THE BATTLE FOR THE 'GOLDEN FLEECE' TROPHY
But didn't the skeletons in the movie lose I hear you say...didn't Eddie, I
mean Jason, win the Golden Fleece? Well...the movie was wrong...it was
all a myth...Jason and the Argonauts were Collingwood supporters and they
deserved nothing...least of all a Golden Fleece!
Mike Fordred
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 18:11:22 -0700
Dear Simon,
I would like to simply state that mythology and allegory simply does not exist
in the harsh 'business' environment that is the AFL. Whilst Collingwood
supporters regale with stories of Wayne Harmes and/or Carlton having paid off
the umps or mythical tales that the alignment of the planets caused a freak
eclipse that blinded the boundary umpire at the precise moment Harmes knocked
the ball back into play. The simple truth is that in this case as in many
others, there is no mystique or allegory, THE BALL WAS WELL INSIDE THE BOUNDARY
LINE !
I would also like to say that I am in fact a Melbourne supporter thus removing
any potential conflicts of interests that may arise from my views.
Regards
Ps. At this point I would also like to say that my entry should be read out on
air simply because I have emailed it in from further than anyone else on the
planet. (according to the friendly folks at United Airlines it is 8420 miles)
PPS. I am returning to Melbourne soon and thus will be able to claim a dinner
at the Lobster cave should I win.
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 13:55:00 +1000
Dear Simon,
Sorry, for the delay in entering the competition this year as I have been
away on holidays in Qld, where all football stories start with the words,
"Reigning AFL Premiers, the Brisbane Lions......". On return to Melbourne,
my 5 year old boy was diagnosed with diabetes, so things have been a little
bit hectic, but now my mind is clear and I can concentrate on TTAH (the task
at hand).
I did see "visions" at a number of the games over the weekend.
Carlton V Collingwood
The vision of Narcissus, hung over the MCG all night. Just like the Greek
chap who fell in love with his own image, both these teams were more
besotted with themselves that the opposition. Win, lose or draw both these
teams would see the result as a positive, and in their belief only making
them more appealing to the masses. When you look at the two Presidents of
these clubs and their behaviour, the vision only becomes clearer.
I also think I saw the "Sword of Damacles" hanging over the heads of Licuria
and Kinnear when their passes went astray in the backline.
St Kilda V Port Adelaide
I am sure I saw Allanis Morisette break through the St Kilda banner and lead
the team through their warm-up and just like her songs everything was bad
from that point on as the team lurched from disaster to disaster.
Brisbane V Essendon
In Essendon's final huddle before they went to their positions I saw Alan
Bond. Last week after dishing out a 50 point defeat, everyone was on
Essendon's band wagon and everybody loved them, they were the best thing
ever for football.
Two hours later I saw Bondy again waiting at the players race ready to
commiserate with the losers. No-one went near him and nobody wanted to know
him. I have a feeling he couldn't remember why he was there either.
Richmond V Melbourne
At three quarter time, I saw a vision of Steve Bracks peeking out of the
Tiger huddle towards a vision of Jeff Kennett standing arrogantly in front
of the Demon huddle, distributing pieces of orange to the players gathered
awe-struck at his feet. The Dees were in front and they were going to win.
Why, because Jeff said so. Why, because arrogance is a sign of winning.
Why, because the Dees had won their last game and the Tigers hadn't. Why,
because there was no Richo or Gaspar. Why, because they just should, eh
what? Now go away and bring the Range Rover around so some chappy can put
the ski racks on, if they are playing football it must be ski season.
Oh! How the Dees and Jeff fell.
AAA Kangaroos V Geelong
The vision of Lady Godiva floated across Colonial Stadium on Saturday night
and like the people of Coventry no one was meant to watch. I also think
Lady Godiva was a contestant on Fear Factor and Shafted.
Kindest regards,
Peter Treseder
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 14:32:00 +1000
The ox is slow...and the crowd controller knew it!!!
Lance Jamieson
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 14:40:57 +1000 (EST)
Hello Simon,
Just a note for no particular reason - as all Coodabeen listeners know - the
more the irrelevant the competition entry - the more likely you are to read it
out.
However, you may be interested in our experience of Wheel of Fortune Vietnam
style. In this show, the Burggo character (name incomprehensible but possibly
Trinh Tran) has the job of teasing the 3 foreign competitors as they struggle
to pronounce the Vietnamese alphabet, while seeking to solve the word puzzles,
which are Vietnam place names. The top prize? It's a Brand New Honda
Motorbike!
Tony may be able to get this one from Round Two - though it eluded the
Frenchman, the Russian blond bomb shell and the Malaysian bloke, who were
playing for a lampshade.
Two words - 1st word 3 letters / 2nd word 4 letters. Cyril (the Frenchie) had
got to: KH_ S_NH. It meant nothing to him, so he bought a vowel - an E and
got: KHE S_NH. At this stage, the audience were going wild, as were we fans of
Jimmy Barnes, however sadly Cyril still had no idea and stabbed at Khe Sonh.
The Burggo character shook his head and called on a member of the audience to solve it, who received a gift from the Adrianna Xenedis character for her
trouble. The gift was a selection of goods from the show's sponsers -
Clearasil.
To close out the show Burggo does a croony emotional farewell song a la Johnny
Young, with Adrianna doing the Shoop Shoops in the background as the audience
claps and sways. There's possibly something in that for Eddy Macguire and Who
Wants to be a Millionaire?
As to this week's competition - if nothing else it would pose a tongue twisting
challenge to Tony to have him inject some reference into the call to that Greek
gentleman who tried to push the rock up the hill. Sisyphus is a bugger to
pronounce at the best of times, and who knows what Tone would come up with
under pressure. Further, using it the context of saying, "Grant Thomas has
taken on a task of Sisyphian proportions" would leave Saints fans wondering
whether they should be consoled or insulted by Tony's comments.
As we have been subjected to endless rounds of spring rolls and noodle soups
for some weeks now, we are dreaming of an evening at Bill Ferge's when we
return on Anzac Day, so please look on this entry favourably.
Regards and Go Sainters,
Jenny of Brunswick (currently Jenny in Vietnam)
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 15:17:14 +1000 (EST)
King Kanute is a Viking
reference rather than a classical one - he was a Danish King who conquered
Britain after the fall of the Roman Empire. Didn't want to just leave that go
by.
You might be interested in this grab from the play list at the DMZ Bar
(demilitarised zone bar) here is sunny central Vietnam, where a 500 ml bottle
of the local brew - Huda sets you back around 6000 dong ($0.80cents). They
opened with an Air Supply number, followed by the Pina Colada song, then who
can enjoy their beers unless they go down with a Vietnamese language version of
Who'll Stop the Rain. We could take no more when they came up with I've Never
Been To Me and found another bar where the beer price had collapsed to 45cents
and the Wurlitzer was silent.
As to the competition, Tony might aim to inject a bit of Oedepus into the call,
despite the father and son combinations on field being few and far between now
that the Pagan family have separated (footbally speaking).
Go Saints,
Jenny of Brunswick (currently Jenny in Vietnam)
No address required - we know who we are.
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 15:50:18 +1000
In a vain attempt procure the Holy Grail and after being vanquished in the
previous skirmish by the Apothecary of Worsfold's men, King Arthur's court
is held outside the Yarra Moat with "Arthur" (Smorgon), King of the West
Counties.
Arthur sends forth for the barons of industry and knights of the West to
join him at the Oval Table in a bid to stop the ravages of the deadly two
headed dragon "relocationix mergeus" and the evil "Lord Administrator"
(nobody expects the Spanish Administration...).
All goes well at this council of war-cum-banquet until "Kelty the Magician"
creates a furore amongst Arthur and the other Lords of the Oval Table with
his qualified support for the foot-soldier's guild-master Brendan o' the
Gale's call to arms for better pay and conditions for the lowly fighting
man, even at the expense of some of the 10 armies of the realm.
Kevin Hoey
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 22:47:19 -0500
Hi fellas,
Speaking of the classics, when Brett Ratten had his nose crunched on
Friday night it reminded me of the classic episode of the Brady Bunch
when Marcia got hit in the nose with a football and it swelled right up
on the eve of a big date. Tragic.
Anyway, I thought some classical nursery rhymes where in order for this
week:
Carey, Carey, quite contrary,
David Schwartzy pudding and pie
Three blind umpires,
Wayne, Wayne, Mr Campbell's son,
Go Tigers,
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 12:18:40 +0000
Dear Simon, Watching football now has new meaning in my life as each and every movement, action, reaction, boneheaded play, and bad call is now seen as a mythological event for instance.
€ As if he were King Tut raising the Golden Staff to his people the umpire brought the crowd to a roaring delight by holding ball in the air before the opening bounce. € The Cats raced around the boundary line like so many Romans in a chariot race led by Ben Hur Graham. € Glen Archer cut a swath through a pack of angry Cats like Zena the Warrior Princes slashing through a pack of evil giants. € Showing all the skills of the legendary American Cowboy Pecos Bill, Spider Burton lassoed a bouncing ball in the goal square and kicked his first for the season. € Sav Rocca led his teammates to the goals in a manner reminiscent of Lono the Mythical Great White Shark that led the migration from Tahiti to the Hawaiian Islands. € At quarter time the players gathered in a circle and danced as if they were the legendary Sioux Ghost Dancers who promised to return the buffalo to the land and vanquish the White Maggots for evermore. € Ronnie Burns kicked a miracle goal which brought to mind Mulan the Chinese peasant girl who brought glory to her family by pretending to be a warrior. € Simpson and Clayton shared the ball through the middle of the ground like Butch and the Kid on the run only to be foiled by Andrew Coates who like Robin Hood robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. € In the fourth quarter the greatest mythological figure of all time made an appearence yes the "Son of God" Ablett Jr. rose from the pack to take an almighty mark and kick the winning goal and on that note the Cats to a man raised their arms into the air like the great Apache Chief Geronimo and were heard to say "It's a good day to win".
Football will never be the same for me.
Bob the Yank
PS. This is actually last weeks entry which should qualify it for this weeks results?????
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 12:59:32 +1000
From: "Bishop, Brad"
I have got not a clue in the world what this week's competition is meant to
be about, but I would like to take this opportunity to use Simon's
competition as a platform to back up Simsy's call that Talkback from Round
Two be given and encore. Let's all get behind Simsy!!!
Brad Bishop
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 13:19:58 +1000
From: Maree Critchley
Dear Simon,
Thank you for picking me as the winner last week, although I do feel bad for
the people who actually deserved to win. To continue with your Oscar
analogy, I feel like Marissa Tomei to your Jack Palance. That said, if you
make Cheryl a winner too we promise to do our famous sister act at the
Convention (it’s based on the legendary Cheetah)!
My entry this week is a famous AESOP fable that seems to fit with what
happened at the Saints last year. It’s a pity it’s too sad to be funny.
Note to give it some oomph, maybe you can get Dan Presser or his son Bram
to read it out.
The Scorpion and the Frog
A scorpion (St Kilda) and a frog (Malcolm Blight) meet on the bank of a
stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because
if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion
stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink,
knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
Maree from Brunswick
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 15:05:47 +1000
From: David
Hi Simon Just like you guys I was very confused by Tony's interpretation of the Footscray v Kangaroos game. "Whats he on about" I said but I didnt worry and listened to the rest of the show. Then to my horror you set it as the competition topic. "I must research" I said and I went to "THE LIBRARY". Did you know they give you a card and let you take books home ? I read about the Trojan Horse and King Canute. Where are the teams, who are the coaches and what colours are on the jumpers ? The questions were not answered.Then as per the topic I looked at the classic's and mythology. I read Chaucer, Shakespear , Tennyson. I marvelled at Jason and the Argonauts, David and Goliath, the Hammer of Thor and the great deeds of many Greek men and women with strange names but I couldn't see how it related to our great game. After a week of sleepless nights I have come up with this................ "Does it have anything to do with the elephant that ran around the boundary line at Arden Street some years ago" Cheers David Bean
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 03:36:04 +1000
From: Jac & Pete
Simon,
Melbourne was murdered by the CYCLOPS, that one eyed monster aka Bryan Sheahan. Greek mythology has it that the CYCLOPS, being one eyed , refused to see any free kicks for forwards whose first names were David and who had a Z in their family name. Remind you of anyone? CYCLOPS did mistakenly pay a free to D. NeitZ last week, but realising his mistake quickly and magically conjured up some blood on Neita's jumper and sent him from the ground. Carlton must be thankful David Zappin changed his name at birth to MATTY LAPPIN. Jac & Pete Kilgour
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 18:45:58 +1000
From: Glenn Rogers
Hello Simon,
well round four has the classic encounter of the hare and the tortoise.
Brisbane Vrs Bulldogs
Brissie hot out of the traps, racing ahead towards another Premiership;
while at the other end of the table the Western Doggie plod along in a most
benign fashion. The Lions look a better T.O.P (team on paper) and a better
team on the ground.
Have the tipsters called it too early? Are the odds over stated? Will we see
the doggies draw up along side the tiring Lions and snatch the premiership
from their claws?
Yes we will, in about 2037 the rate the Doggies are going.
Glenn from Newport via Balmain
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 19:42:02 +1000
From: Basil & Sophie
Kevin Sheedy's cut throat gesture to Mitchell White.
Influenced by Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street, Kevin Sheedy
delivers with chilling detail this modern adaptation of an old classic.
The original serial killer comes to life in this grizzly tale during the
Bombers - West Coast game.
Sweeney Todd who lived in London during the late 1700's, was known for his
ultra close shaves. Sweeney like Sheedy, favoured the working class and his
victims were always rich patrons, never the workers.
When done, Sweeney would turn the bodies of his victims over to his lady
love, the proprietess of Mrs Lummet's World Famous Meat Pies for her own
special treatment. Sheedy too, would turn his victims over to the love of
his life - the AFL draft.
On this occassion, White was fortunate to escape with his life before being
traded to Geelong and football obscurity. Meanwhile, Sheedy continues to
practise his trade undetected, Mercuri and Misiti fortunate not to become
his latest victims.
Basil Czerwaniw
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 19:47:22 +1000
From: Basil & Sophie
Dear Coodabeens,
In light of the last few days I couldn't help but think of another one to
submit.
McQUIRE'S ULTIMATUM TO DAVIS - SIGN OR ELSE!
Eddie McQuire ignites the football world as he portrays the passion,
jealousy and rage of the Shakespearian tragedy Othello.
McQuire struts the football stage as the black and white prince Othello. The
long suffering Desdemona played with great sensitivity by the homesick Nick
Davis.
Their loving relationship slowly bitters as Othello's mind is poisoned by
the cunning and manipulative Iago. Iago played by Micky Malthouse, Othello's
right hand man. Iago tells Othello that Desdemona, unhappy, plans to return
to her birthplace and he should immediately put her loyalty to the test.
In the final scenes Desdemona pleads: O, banish me to the VFL, my Lord, but
kill me not!
Othello: Down strumpet, you will not thrust that swan before my eyes!
Desdemona: Kill me to-morrow: let me live tonight and play the rest of the
season!
Alas, Othello overcome by rage and jealousy strangles Desdemona, much to
Iago's delight. For Iago has long held a hatred for Othello's men after
being spat upon in the Victoria park domain.
The football world now enraged by Othello's actions leaves him no
alternative but to throw himself upon his own wooden spoon.
Iago's revenge complete.
Basil Czerwaniw
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 20:20:40 +1000
From: Michele Blight
The disciples came to Colonial Stadium last Saturday night.
The came to see Byron the "Goliath" take on "David" the Sanderson.
Although Goliath is strong, he can be defeated and so it was that David rose up and defeated Goliath the matchwinner.
This caused the "Pagan" to speak to his servants and he implored them to kill "David".
"David" called to the Lord and behold the Lord sent his son Jesus, who like his father cannot be touched and can kick a goal.
And so it came to pass that Jesus and his disciples defeated the forces of "Pagan"
Here endith the lesson.
Michele Blight
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 23:12:57 +1000
From: D Long
DEAR SIMON,
This is a story about the Three Little Teams and the Big Bad Roos.
As told by Mrs Higginbottom to her Grade one students:
Once upon a time beginning in round one, 2002, there were three little
teams. Each badly wanted the four points against the Big Bad Roos.
The first little team was Port Adelaide. They had never beaten the Big Bad
Roos.
Give me those four pointsî, shouted the Big Bad Roos.
No; not by the hair on Nigel Smartís chinny chin chinî, replied Port. ìOur
plan is based on back to back preseason flags.
That means nothing to usî, bellowed the Big Bad Roos.
They huffed and they puffed and they blew Portís four points down.
The second little team was the Bulldogs. Their game plan was called
cheekiness.
Give me those four pointsî, shouted the Big Bad Roos.
No; not by the hair on Nigel Smartís chinny chin chinî, replied the Dogs.
The Bulldogs led early and then they became cheeky and a little
disrespectful of the Big Bad Roos, didnít they, girls and boys? And just
when it seemed that the Dogs had the game won, the Big Bad Roos huffed and
they puffed and they blew the Dogs four points down.
The third little team were the Cats. All the poor Cats had much to offer was
great character.
Give me those four points, shouted the Big Bad Roos.
No; not by the hair on Nigel Smartís chinny chin chin, replied the Cats.
Geelong led by 21 points up at the last change, not unlike the Dog,s lead -
get it, children Dogís lead!! Oh, well, never mind.
In the last quarter, the Big Bad Roos huffed and they puffed and they
reduced the lead.
The Big Bad Roos huffed and they puffed;
They Squeezed and they Wheezed
They Grasped and they Gasped
They Pressed and they Stressed
And, in the end, they Strained and they Waned
They Floundered and Compounded
Yes, the Cats character was made out of brick. And so the Roos were not able
to blow away the little Cats four points.
So, Boys and Girls, what was the moral of the story? Young boy?
ìWell, Mrs Higginbottom, if King Canute had possessed greater character, he
would have been able to hold back all the Trojan Horses?î
Doug Long
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 11:20:36 +1000
From: Andrew Walby
This mythological allegory is appropriate and decipherable. Sisyphus was condemned by the "great Gods" to pushing a stone up a hill for eternity. Every time the stone reached the top it would roll back down, forcing him to roll it up again, and to endlessly face disappointment along with physical pain and labouring. So too the Richmond supporter who, since 1982, when Francis Bourke angered the "great Gods" (Jack Hamilton, etc), have been condemned to push their stone (the team) up the hill (the ladder) only to see it fall back down (usually to ninth spot). Our only goal in life is to push that stone up the hill. That's all we live for, that's all we focus on. One goal - one that we know is impossible - to reach the summit and have the stone stay. Every time the stone rolls down the hill, rather than being disappointed, we know that it is just one more step towards the goal and that we are that little bit closer to our ultimate goal (a premiership). In this intense situation we indeed find meaning and purpose, and we forget the God's curse that we would never be able to have the stone stay at the summit of the hill. We think that at some point it (a premiership) is bound to happen. We know the point and meaning of our lives. We know very clearly that there is no achieving our goal, and we accept that. We have accepted what comes to us and move on. We have found a purpose in our lives and follow it to its conclusion. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this Earth. As Albert Camus said of Sisyphus, we too are the "absurd heroes". We are stronger than our rock. "The struggle toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart".
Andrew Walby
P.S. You discussed each team's fantasy for season 2002 a few weeks ago. Courtesy of Brian Waldron's daughter I have discovered St Kilda's true fantasy on the back of a piece of paper my daughter brought home from her house... the St Kilda FC strategic plan for 2002. It is headed "finals by 2004, premiers by 2006". After last weeks performance I understand why Simon will be following the Balkan politics of the NSL.
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 16:08:47 +1000
SPORTS TONIGHT WITH TIM WEBSTER :
"And this week in AFL we look at Byron Pickett that Colossus of er..
Rhodesia from the Qantas Kangaroos. Pickett has explosive speed and once
he starts running its like opening the floodgates on Pandora's box, you
can't stop him. And the little man can fly too - like that waxed winged
ancient Greek horse - Gay Icarus - Pickett can jump high to catch the ball.
And we check on the condition of injured Saint backman, Troy Schwarze, who,
much to his surprise, was gang tackled by a posse of Port Adelaide players
last week as he was trying to clear the ball. You could say it was a bit
like the Trojan War, and the Port players were like the ancient Greeks who
hid inside the famous wooden cow....(chuckles to himself)..
From Faction 3366 (Paul Russo/ John Clements)
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 17:20:45 +1000
Guys,
Just when I thought you blokes had started to make sense of the footy
season, you go and do this ... well, here's my entry anyway. See if you can
make any sense of it.
As an avid Tiger supporter I often feel very much like Prometheus who, as
you know, was
bound with cruel chains, had a shaft driven through his middle, and was
placed on a long-winged eagle that would eat his immortal liver every day.
By night the liver grew back so he had to endure excruciating pain daily.
In my case I feel Prometheus's pain as my guts are ripped out weekly
watching Richo kick from 20m out directly in front of goal.
Jeff Salton
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 18:03:10 +1000
Simon, I propose that we should recognise the mythological allegory of
the Venus, Adonis and Cupid as a direct re-incarnation of the end of
Venus, Adonis and Cupid as a direct re-incarnation of the end of
season process known as the "AFL Draft". I contend that all players
who have their contracts up for renewal are to Adonis, all clubs
attempting to re-sign them are Venus and player managers are Cupid.
Taken directly from the story Ovid's Metamorphoses, the draft period
is summed up as follows: Darren
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 18:27:54 +1000
Hi guys,
I picture the below text as something Tony might come up with in the
dying moments of an exciting game.
At the 28 minute mark of the final quarter, this 'clash of the titans'
hangs in the balance like the 'scales of Libra'. The yellow ball used
here tonight has been as much in demand as the mythical 'Golden Fleece'
sought by the 'Argonauts'. But now from the boundary throw in, the ball
spills off the pack to Nathan Buckley, the modern day 'Jason' of his
team. He picks up the 'fleece', gets tackled from behind, the crowd
bays as though at the 'circus maximus', but forget a free kick, as a
'holding the ball' call has been as rare as seeing 'pegasus' grazing on
the outer wing. Buckley regains his composure, and seems to have the
will of 'Moses' as the pack just parts before him. He's heading
straight for goal, as though the black and white cheer squad are the
'sirens' calling him to their island, not to his doom, but to glory.
With just one defender to beat, he side steps and leaves his man
standing as if Bucks has the power of 'Medusa' in his eyes and has
turned him to stone. Now he kicks for goal, 'Hercules' himself couldn't
have given such a display of power or strength. It's close, it's very
close, the umpire stands contemplating like 'Methusula', what result
will this modern day 'Oracle of Delphi' give. But no, 'Methusula' has
signalled a behind. The fans behind the goal thought it was home, I
thought it was home, even 'Cyclops' himself could have seen that was a
goal even with a squint. Well that takes the cake folks, I guess the
sheep that produced that 'golden fleece' must have had an 'Achilles
heel' or two.
Christopher Hardie
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 22:32:38 +1000
Simon
Icarus enjoyed the freedom of flying with wings that his father Daedalus
made out of feathers and wax. On an unusually and unseasonally warm day,
while father and son were flying together, the wax on Icarus' wings melted
in the sun, and he unexpectedly plunged into the Icarian Sea just short of
the desired destination.
And as the sun blistered down on Yorkus Parkus last Sunday and ice-vests
made their debut in the Apple Isle, the Sherrin displayed a sense of Icarus
as it also seemed to die on its trajectory as controversy surrounded the
true distance of the 50m arc from the goals.
Even Dennis was forced to adjust, with "Smith, goes inside the 56(m)".
Oliver Kysela
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
If you're aiming for sexual equality in entries, surely my selfless act
of operating under a joint email address for my entries qualifies me for
a sympathy win commensurate with your judging so far this year. (I'm
even prepared to sacrifice myself for the win as I will be doing if you
read this out when Sue is listening.)
I'd also like to point out, as no doubt many others will, that Canute
was not a mythical figure.
KOUTA
From: Paul Martin
I can just see the English essay required at St.Bedes this week.
From: Cheryl Harvey
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 14:37:46 +1000
Love the show and the comp I will keep it short as you like it
From: Mark Oraniuk
From: Fry Michael
Achilles (Injury prone player. Supporters get worried every time he
touches the ball)
Vlad the Impaller (The forward might get the better of him once, but
is pole-axed (or spiked) for his efforts)
Fagan (Trained enough pick-pockets, should be able to handle the tricks of
the resting rover)
D'Artagnan (Faithful to team rules (all for one and one for all!) and
will provide a bit of flair and swashbuckle)
Ghengis Khan (Like a rock in defense. Nobody takes any liberties with
Ghengis and gets away with it)
Apollo (The Archer [related to Glenn I think!]. Can't tell a lie, so fits
the new code adopted by footballers at the tribunal to tell it as it
happened
Chairman Mao (Plays so far left-of-centre he takes up his position in Row
M, Level 2)
Maximus (On-field general, doesn't mind getting his hands dirty)
Icarus (One position player, can sometimes make poor decisions)
Hermes (so quick people often say he must have wings on his heels. The god
of thieves - typical Half Forward Flanker)
Herod (Sacrificed many of his fellow forwards ensuring he had plenty of
space to work in. Forerunner to Pagan's Paddock. Know to many as 'The
King' - ultimately dispensible)
Pegasus (Quick, likes to fly for speckies, linked-up well with Icarus)
Bilbo Baggins (Resting rover, small forward with will-of-the-wisp
characteristics)
William Tell (Dead-eye Dick or Bill)
Atlas (Resting Ruckman. Very dependable and can hold up his end if
needed)
Little John (The Matthew Primus of his day. Hard to shift in one-on-one
contests)
Samson (Rugged individual. Seems smaller in real life (Victor Mature).
Off field known to have a weakness for the ladies)
Frodo (Honest toiler. Hard in and under the packs. Great resolve)
Gandolf (Tall player with a bit of Magic about him. Best days may by past)
Poseidon (So good in the wet he is known as the god of the sea)
Athos (Drafted at same time as D'Artagnan. Stout player. Can let the
demon drink get the better of him from time to time)
Barbarella (Gratuitous selection, keeps all the boys on their toes)
Shakespeare (particularly good values around player review time)
Othello (shows the benefits of expanding the game to foreign
markets. May need anger management training to show full potential)
From: Sharon Welgus
From: stuart mcarthur
I JUST reckon......it's a bit like when the doggies played West Coast at
Subi in 92, which was about as exciting as Toto singing "Africa" it was that
bad, fair dinkum - now I know how bored Atlas must've felt holding up the
earth, or the sirens sitting on those rocks all day, or Lady MacBeth trying
to remove that spot, or driving through Bordertown with Daics pointing out
how many games I didn^"t play, and speaking of numbers, Si....when the
Romantics broke the gate record at Bondi, and hello to Jim and his lovely
wife Pam if you^"re listening, mind you I've got nothing against the
Romantics, they're good reliable entertainment, a little bit like the
Chemist showbag, but can I just say, can I JUST say...it's all very well to
be reliable, you can be as reliable as Thor banging his bloody hammer every
time there's a bloody thunderstorm, but if you can't step up, well it's like
the Hollies sitting at number three with "He Ain't Heavy," while at 1 and 2
you've got the Beatles and The Stones. You JUST gotta be like Beowulf,
you've gotta rip Grendel apart if you want to get the gold, and SPEAKING of
gold Si......I JUST get this feeling, that if Bonecrusher and Our Waverley
Star hadn't toughed it out down the Moonee Valley straight that day, with me
boxing both of them in a trifecta with the fourth placegetter, and only
midori and lemonade in the fridge, I wouldn't have felt like....was it
Atlanta? who stooped to pick up the golden apples and lost the race, or was
it Atlanta who dropped the apples? or was it Achilles? or Matty Lappin? I
don^"t know - anyway, it was a bit like when the doggies played West Coast at
Subi in 92, which was like Toto singing "Africa," it was that bad...but
sorry Si, you were saying?
From: Bill Bridge
And there was much rejoicing!! YAY, YAY!
From: dicko5@mail.dodo.net.au
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 10:55:57 +1000
From: Adrian Jackson
The potential is unlimited.
From: Mike Fordred
After two crushing defeats and going into battle for the mystical 'Golden
Fleece Trophy' with a much-maligned, embittered army, Carlton coach
Wayne Britten (alias the evil King with the funny haircut from the movie)
realises a further defeat at the hands of his enemy, 'Eddie and the
Argonauts' may very well dethrone him in their quest for the prized woolly
trophy. Employing the hitherto unseen strategy of burning the footy boots of
his men, collecting their smouldering stops and flinging them across the oval
of the MCG battlefield, King Wayne summons from beneath the hallowed
turf, the spirits of long departed Carlton warriors to defend the taking of his
trophy. Rising deep from the bowels of the earth, the demonic skeletal spirits
of dead Carlton warriors, do battle against Eddie and his Argonauts,
displaying all the 'fighting spirit' his men have been so sadly lacking.
Drawing on the true fighting spirits of Carlton, King Wayne defeats the
Argonauts and retains his trophy.
St Helena
From: Nick Farrow
Nick Farrow
San Francisco, CA
United States
From: "Treseder, Peter"
From: Lance Jamieson
NEWPORT
From: "[iso-8859-1] jenny lawton" jennyinvietnam@yahoo.com.au
From: "[iso-8859-1] jenny lawton" jennyinvietnam@yahoo.com.au
From: Kevin Hoey kevinh@naa.gov.au
From: Cheryl Critchley tigertwo@alphalink.com.au
How does your ego grow,
With silver dollars and cockeyness
And pretty maids all in a row.
Got in a fight now has a black eye
When Davey next comes out to play
All the girls will run away.
Three blind umpires,
See how they blunder,
See how they blunder,
They all give crap frees to those Demon types,
And miss them when Ray Hall is tackled too high,
Have you ever seen such a thing in your life
As three blind umpires.
Stole the ball in the goalsquare and away he run,
A hand pass quite neat
Otto's goal was complete
And the Tigers had those Demons beat.
Cheryl Critchley
From: Bob Crain
From: paul russo
From: "Salton, Jeff"
From: Chris Hardie
The goddess Venus tries to restrain her lover Adonis from going off to
the hunt. She clings to him, imploring him not to go, but Adonis looks
down at her impassively. His dogs strain at their leashes, echoing his
impatience. Cupid sleeps in the background, a symbol of Adonis's
resistance to Venus's entreaties, since his ineffective arrows hang
uselessly in a tree. The story ends tragically; during the hunt the
mortal Adonis is fatally gored by a wild boar.
That about sums it up for me
From: Chris Hardie
From: Oliver Kysela