Doing your 'nana

The Coodabeen Champions Competition

Round Twenty:
The Commonwealth Games serve to highlight the fact that the AFL doesn't have some sort of mascot or creature,
like Matilda the Kangaroo from the Brisbane games.
The competition this week asks you to create one.

From: stuart mcarthur
Date: Mon Aug 12, 2002 12:34:00 AM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Simon,

The AFL already has a mascot – 40 of them. They wear green and purple and live in Fremantle.

If the Dockers did ever become the official AFL mascots they could run out at the start of each season with the real teams, jog back to the boundary, run round in circles, do a few party tricks, and show off their costumes - not much different to what they do now.

During the season the Sunday Footy Show could trot a couple out each week during the handball segment to help throw the balls back to Louie.

Then in September, after the Grand Final presentation, the Dockers could come out in harlequin costumes (ie. their jumpers) and wave bye-bye to the crowd with tears painted on their cheeks - while the scoreboard flashes up "See y'all next year."

cheers Simon

Stuart McArthur

From: Paul Martin

Simon,

I must congratulate you regarding your consistent judging this year. I can only marvel at the extent of your nescience. Ê

Gentlemen, to get a taste of what we might expect from the marketing masters at the AFL we need go back no further than last weeks "mirthful diversion" that was, The HOT 50 Special Edition of the AFL Record. Ê

The mascot must be "hot". Ê

By female definition: Fashionable, exciting, sexually attractive and stimulating. A blokes definition of hot? What we would yell out to a team-mate, just before he gets smashed by an opponent. Ê

So let us start moulding our mighty mascot. Must be larger than life, lets say eight foot tall. Masculine, with a classical, " VS. " shaped torso and obligatory large puppy dog eyes. Ê

The Premiership Cup," V " shaped,Êand the handles would ideally transform into two arms. ( not dissimilar to the gloved arms found on the m + m mascots.) No, on second thoughts more like popeyes, as when marketed as a cuddly soft toy, you could choose your cup by the tattooed club insignia on the forearm. The two zeros in the year 2002 make an ideal position for the eyes. ( good for the next 8 years, there after the cup becomes one eyed.) Ê

What about a name?
Cup, mug, urn? Ernie?................ No, I believe the boys at the ACB are looking at that one. Cameron, yep. Cameron the Cup. The females and kiddies will love it. Ê

What of the blokes? I hear you ask.
We know the AFL would never condone violence. Sorry blokes, I will have to take the politically correct path of equality.
The blokes will just have to suffice by following the definition as suggested for the females. How about a Pamela Anderson look-a-like? She would of course be the cup "bearer" and be dressed only in a scarf and beanie. Ê

That's it, Cam and Pam, the new AFL mascots. Ê

Regards, Paul "luv a ticket for the 5th." Martin. Ê

From: Darrell Nash

It's obvious! Sheeds has been saying it for years.The AFL's mascot has to be Marvin the Martian. This represents all the decisions which show no earthly regard for our feelings and seem to come from out of space. Your team sent to play home games at Optus Oval at a time most inconvenient to everyone; the tribunal finding an obscure piece of footage to rub out your key player while opposition king hits go unnoticed or reprimanded; no free kicks all day and one plucked out of no where in front of goal to seal the match; draft & salary cap concessions to struggling interstate clubs;Ê..... you get the picture? Obviously the work of Martians. Ê

Darrell Nash

From: Peter Cox
Date: Mon Aug 12, 2002 05:47:31 PM Australia/Melbourne

AFL's new Mascot: Pepe le Pew.

They stink!

Pete Cox.

From: stuart mcarthur
Date: Mon Aug 12, 2002 11:16:48 PM Australia/Melbourne

and also Simon,

although making the Dockers the AFL mascots would create a 15-team comp and a weekly bye, teams could productively use the bye by playing a practice game against the Dockers.

regards,

stuart mcarthur

From: Travis Bull
Date: Tue Aug 13, 2002 12:32:33 PM Australia/Melbourne

The AFL are very pleased to announce the new mascots.

"The AFL's Big Wigs"

Please meet them:

Plats (Giant Walking version of John Platten's Hair circa 89, or as we at the AFL refer to it lovingly as the Sideshow Bob)

Stixs (We Claim this to be the worlds biggest walking mullet ever constructed)

Rexy (Giant Bald Cranium with a tuft of hair on each side and around the back. The beauty of this one is the ability to use the mascot in the off season at the basketball. Just comb over the hair and call it "the Smyth " based on the courageous attempt of a comb over by Phil Smyth at various Olympics.)

and finally I would like to introduce "the kid". This is our favorite, based on Dermies hair during his tip top ad days, is truly a wonder even now.

Along with performances in the Grand final Pre-game entertainment and Grand final Parade they will also be doing several live appearances.

We've had interest from Highpoint, Greensborough & Northland Shopping centres at this stage. Also the consortium involved with Entertainment at the Geelong Mall are also very interested indeed.

Oh yeah look out for the replica wigs available in Kmart Stores shortly.

From: David Weeding

A mascot must symbolise the zeitgeist (pretentious word alert).ÊWhere is football today?ÊLooking forward to a brilliant future?ÊOr mired in a sordid past?ÊPloughing on from strength to strength, or niche marketing itself in an increasingly competitive sports entertainment industry that values the end-user highly in order to increase market-share and growth potential in a shrinking sponsorship environment in order to gain a toe hold inÉ inÉ errÉ where was I?

Ê In this spirit, we humbly present to you (begin laser light show to the voice of John Farnham singing a cover of Vanessa Amorosi singing whatever that Olivia Newton-John song was at the end of the Olympics, because didnÕt it make us all feel really proud and yet humble at the same time and isnÕt that how football makes us feel, especially if your name is Wayne Carey, but I digress) the NEW mascot of the AFL, guaranteed to extend our market positioning vis-ˆ-vis other sporting codes in a totally non-threatening politically correct way:ÊTHE CORPORATE BOXER

Ê The Look?ÊPicture a gigantic Sherrin (plenty of room for product placement), dressed in an Armani suit, glass of Chardonnay, cigar and elegant canapŽ at the ready.ÊThe Demographic appealed to here is the single most important demographic for Australian Rules to break into:ÊThe Theatre Set.

Ê Special Powers?ÊHe has the God-given ability to suck the marrow of excitement from the bones of any contest by using the phrase; ÔNo Riff-Raff!)

Ê Ê Sighted?ÊNever Pre-game (letÕs face it Ð now that the curtain raiser is gone it only arrives ten minutes before the first bounce) and only in a corporate box at Colonial/Telstra/Whatever it is this week.ÊNever seen at the Fondue of Fear (ÔNo Riff-RaffÕ).ÊOnly fleetingly, if ever, glimpsed by a Ôregular footy fanÕ, for the same reason, usually exiting the limo on his way to the boxÊAlso seen in the background at all quasi-football functions:ÊThe Brownlow Count, the Draft, The National IQ Test.ÊAlways smokes a foot long hoagy beside the non-smoking sign.

Ê His Secret?ÊActually prefers soccerÉ

From: Glenn Rogers
Date: Tue Aug 13, 2002 01:35:48 PM Australia/Melbourne

The AFL should adopt "Trevor the Sasanqua Camellia" as their official mascot.

Hugely popular throughout Victoria where he has grown in abundance for over 100 years. There have been some problems lately but mainly due to older shrubs which have been badly maintained and lacked crucial pruning at the end of the flowering season. Experimental grafting of two species has been attempted to rejuvenate dying plants with very little success, with the exception of Queensland.

The introduction of the Victorian Gene to South Australia and Western Australia has seen a resurgence in an existing market, all be it very isolated. Most plants still suffer from stunted growth in these regions with the occasional short burst of bloom.

Trevor the Sasanqua Camellia fairs very poorly in the colder regions such as Tasmania and Canberra. While some have tried to transplant Trevor in these regions, none have taken root to date.

Sydney's climate was considered ideal for Trevor and after some early growth Trevor has been affected by tidal changes and humidity. While some can still be spotted around the inner suburbs, Trevor is still considered an indoor plant in the Harbour City and particularly attractive at night.

Queensland has been the surprise packet for Trevor the Sasanqua Camellia. Many experts considered Queensland to be to hot for Trevor to flourish; this almost proved correct with early attempts to grow Trevor in the Northern state. How ever, after much trial and error, Queensland grower have successfully produced "Prize Winning" Trevor's over recent years on the back of some expert grafting from Victorian genes. There success has now seen them propagate some very attractive local genes which are now in great demand in the Southern states.

So there we have it - Trevor the Sasanqua Camellia

Have a good weekend Gents,

Glenn From Balmain via Newport

Dear CoodaÕs

Ê Long-time listeners moved to pen an entry (apologies for the previous similar entry that was sent in error Ð please ignore):

Ê Ê A mascot must symbolise the zeitgeist (pretentious word alert).ÊWhere is football today?ÊLooking forward to a brilliant future?ÊOr mired in a sordid past?ÊPloughing on from strength to strength, or niche marketing itself in an increasingly competitive sports entertainment industry that values the end-user highly in order to increase market-share and growth potential in a shrinking sponsorship environment in order to gain a toe hold inÉ inÉ errÉ where was I?

Ê Special Powers?ÊHe has the God-given ability to suck the marrow of excitement from the bones of any contest by using the phrase; ÔNo Riff-Raff!)

Ê His Secret?ÊActually prefers soccerÉ

Ê Like a cork in the ocean,

Ê Chris and David Weeding

Hereafter known as THE DENNIS COMMITTEE

From: James Weeding

I was forwarded this email by a couple of wankers and I felt compelled to put my idea forward. Ê

Unlike them I have actually been to the footy and played the game andÊI know what the people want from an AFL mascot. Ê

"AFL Screamer" Ê

A brown plastic footy with Mr Potato Head like accessories. During the game the kids can play with Screamer under the seats and after the game Dad can pinch it off them, pull the arms and legs off and practice torps. (A warning label recommends barefooted drop punts are not advised) Screamer can come with club coloured clip on accessories like scarves, beanies orÊKelli Stevens. Ê

Screamers could be also made as a soft padded toy for use in a game of Hallway footy or for using as a cushion at the footy (with another warning labelÊ"don't use the plastic version as a cushion") Ê

On grand final day a seven storey Screamer can be wheeled around the ground and then because it is filled with Helium, be let lose. A choreographed show by thousands of people dressed as 'Screamer" to the "Up there Cazaly" song followed by them booting "Screamers" into the crowd with a prize to the spectator who takes the best screamer of a Wayne Jackson signed screamer. Ê

James W

Hawthorn

Hi guys Ê

ÊMy Mascot is ALF ( and a play on letters as well AFL) Remember his name stood for Alien Life Form, which Sheedy referred to the AFL being "Aliens" so i feel it very appropriate that ALF becomes the offical mascot of the AFL!! Ê

Ê Ê Ê Ê Craig Coombes

From: David

Hi Simon Ê

Choosing the appropriate mascot for the league is a difficult task. You need to come up with something with universal appeal or you can end up with an embarrassment like 'Blue Boy" at Carlton. I think I have done it.

I propose that we have those two lovable characters fromÊthat family favourite Gilligan's Island namely TheÊSkipper and Gilligan. To give it some local flavour we will have Bernie Fraser step in asÊSkipper and of course Matty Lappin as Gilligan. I can see the crowds going wild as these two go around the grounds with Bernie hitting Matty on his head with his Skipper's cap then giving him a hug and calling him his "little buddy".They can hand out pieces of Mary-Anne's Coconut Cream Pie and get everyone to join in and sing the AFL's new theme song which goes like this Ê

To the tune of "Here on Gilligan's Isle" Ê

Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale A tale of a local game That started on this hallowed turf That settlers tried to tame Ê

They first marked out the playing fields TheÊmatch would start real soon Twelve teams gathered to play the game On a Saturday afternoon A Saturday afternoon Ê

The teams all played for many years Then they spread their wings And invitedÊclubs from other states To give the league more sting Ê

So now we have the national league Which is our pride and joy With Melbourne teams The Brisbane Lions Port Adelaide and the Crows The Sydney Swans The Dockers and West Coast too All in the A.F.L. Ê

I think it is a sure fire winner Ê

Ê Cheers Ê

David Bean

From: Cheryl Harvey
Date: Wed Aug 14, 2002 01:02:29 PM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Simon,

Picture the MCG Grand Final day with the ground divided into states of AFL; Qld, WA, SA, NSW and Vic. All the kids in their team colours for each state and out comes the AFL mascot; a GIANT Hoover with its hose waving merrily in the air pushed by an inflatable Wayne Jackson smiling to all and sundry! Over the interstate areas of the ground the vacuum spews out $100 bills whilst the children gleefully pick them up stuffing them into bags but when it approaches the Victorian area it starts to suck up the clubs one by one starting with the Kanga's then St Kilda followed by the Bulldogs, as maniacal laughter can be heard coming from the blow up Wayne Jackson.!!! Cynical? Maybe? A reality within 5 yrs? Definately!!!!

Cheryl Harvey

From: Mega Trim

G'day Simon, I'm pretty busy so I'll make this brief, hope you can use it. Ê

Collo the Collie Dog, he hovers around Spencer St Station and herds everyone into the ground at Colonial. Ê

Dimetrie the Wise Old Owl, Goes to schools and teaches the kids how to cover up any mistakes the AFL or themselves may have made by sweet talking the media. Ê

Jacko the Dodo, once planned for the South Eastern Suburbs but now extinct. Ê

Cheers

Kevin Nolan

From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Date: Wed Aug 14, 2002 08:25:16 PM Australia/Melbourne

Simon,

Mascot used to be an airport and the AFL lost its sponsor and airline carrier last year so clearly the new AFL mascot needs to be something with a relationship to flight (or at least birds). It should also be instantly recognisible, Australian (or near enough) and national in nature. It must not yet have been used by any club. (The last requirement limits the options significantly.

There is a perfect solution, especially as channel 9 has the footy rights. The AFL mascot should be Ossie the Ostrich. They could dig him up out of the property cupboard at 9 and dust him off for next week. Why spend money designing some new soft toy that noone will like anyway? Vote 1 Ossie for AFL mascot.

Greg and Sue Hoysted

From: Bob Crain

Dear Simon,

Tony must have had too much dark warm beer and talked to or listened to too many Scotty cab drivers, a "Games Type Mascot" for the AFL what nonsense. Come to think of it maybe just nonsensical enough to work considering the shape of theÊLeague at the moment. Ê

The Mascot would have to beÊ"chic", "Now", windows compatible, and relevant to today's AFL something like this... Ê

NAME - WWW. E_FOOT_E .COMÊ Ê

STRUCTURE - A Robotic Prototype of a Modern Footballer - A hard, mid-sized, blond tipped, in and under type, who can play forward or backward in the midfield, the goal square, in defense or as an irritating off putting in your jumper tagger. A media savvy, hip-pocket player who can snag a couple of goals and sell raffle tickets at half-time, an interstate type who has come to the heart of football through the Genetic Engineering Rule. Ê

TRICK - Jumper numbers would be replaced byÊGiant TVÊscreens flashing the Codes, Mottos, Themes,ÊEpitaphs and Highlights of the Modern Game like... NO FOOTY THISÊSATURDAY IN MELBOURNE ÊCHECK YOUR LOCAL GUIDES FOR THE GAME NEAREST YOU ON THE BOX ÊLOOK AWAY NOW ÊUMPIRING DECISIONS - NO TWO ALIKE ÊTRIBUNAL DECISIONS - DIFFERENT SCHOOLS DIFFERENT RULES Ê

A the end ofÊ the Half-Time Ceremony the top of the Robot's head would flip open and suck up every last dollar in the Stadium and then proceed to MISS EASY TACKLES, HAND BALL WHEN IT SHOULD KICK, SELL TEAM MATES INTO TROUBLE, GIVE AWAY UNDISCIPLINED FREE KICKS AND MISS GOALS FROM 20 METRES OUT DEAD IN FRONT- TODAY'S MODERN PLAYER FOR TODAY'S MODERN GAME..... Ê

Regards

Bob the Yank Ê

P.S.ÊSorry I missed last week, I was left out due to age and chronic children syndrome. Ê

From: Mike
Date: Thu Aug 15, 2002 08:49:37 AM Australia/Melbourne

Gday,

My suggestion for the AFL mascot is "rich bastard"

Rich bastard appeals to the AFL heartland, the sort of people that the AFL loves. When rich bastard attends games he is only ever seen in corporate boxes getting pampered and doing business deals. He doesn't care that his team is never on free-to-air TV 'cause he has cable. He believes that footy should rarely be played in Melbourne on Saturday arvos cause thats his golf day. He doesn't understand what all the riff-raff are complaining about. He is a giant (10 metre) big fat bastard with a cigar in one hand and a glass of champers in the other.

cheers

Mike Honeychurch

From: stuart mcarthur
Date: Thu Aug 15, 2002 03:00:32 PM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Jeff (because you'd have to be a Tigers fan to see the merits in this, Simon)

As Richmond is the first club ever to have a playing mascot – ie. David Rodan, the Tiges could lease him to the AFL as THEIR mascot, in return for salary cap considerations - culminating in the following jaunty AFL ad -

(clips of Rodan spinning, ducking, weaving, dashing and snapping, to the music of Rockin' Robin)

He crumbs off the forwards all day long a-duckin' and a-weavin' and a-carryin' on All the back flankers on the MCG hate to see Rodan go tweet tweet tweet.

David Rodan (tweet, tweet-tweet) David Rodan (tweet, twiddly-deet) Go David Rodan cause ya really gonna show em tonight.

(key change) Wary Danny Frawley at Rodan's debut didn't think he'd manage it the whole game thru. But in the third quarter - out Dave came. He outbopped opponents like a hurricane!

All the Tiger cheersquad, and all of their mums love the way that Rodan energetically crumbs. They love his quick grin and they love his quick feet they love the little Tiger with the spiky blond streaks

David Rodan (tweet, tweet-tweet) David Rodan (tweet, twiddly-deet) Go David Rodan cause ya really gonna show em tonight.

Cheers Jeff

Stuart McArthur

From: cosmiclatte@optusnet.com.au
Date: Thu Aug 15, 2002 08:51:13 PM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Si,

I think that the Peacock is largely overlooked as a mascot in general and would make an extremely appropriate mascot for the AFL. My recommendation is based on the following:

1. Like AFL players, peacocks look pretty silly in general, yet for some reason the majority seem to think they look pretty impressive and they’re not shy about demonstrating their showy exhibitionist displays of physical skill.

2. Like AFL players, peacocks love to puff out their chests, tails etc. and engage in showy exhibitionist displays of physical skill.

3. Like AFL players, the Peacock is a bird that possesses a brain that is ill equipped for significant media attention apart from demonstrating showy exhibitionist displays of physical skill - but give them half a chance and they’ll sit there in the spotlight for the attention all the same.

4. Like AFL players, when not in the spotlight, peacocks can be found looking extremely miserable dragging their deflated feathery displays through the muck.

I’m sure you’ll be expecting this one and I know that it’s a low blow. I can’t even say that I speak from experience… but…

5. If you look at each of the syllables in the word Pea-cock individually, and think of what each of them represent, it could be suggested that the exhibitionist displays of physical skill are necessary to make up for other, more inferior regions.

I realise that my suggestion, and the reasons behind it, might not promote the sport as the grand Victorian tradition that it is, but as a marketing strategy I think it can hold its own. After all, we live in a culture that likes to cut down the tall poppies and support the loser. (Just take a look at the success of Chris and Marie’s hellohello.com.au plant farm at Wombat Gully on a weekend after all the embarrassment Marie would have initally had to bear with her husband constantly in the media waving his fairy wand and wearing the pink tutu and tights.) I think the peacock would help us to identify with the players for who they really are and support them all the more. If we need to introduce the element of fun, the peacock can come riding in on an oversized bottle of VB.

Cosmic

From: Basil

Date: Thu Aug 15, 2002 08:55:55 PM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Simon,

The HYENA is the obvious choice as AFL mascot.

1. They are despised by humans.

2. Their hindquarters slope down, giving them the appearance of a weak cowardly animal. On the contrary, they are very powerful.

3. The rump is the most protected part.

4. They hate Lions.

5. Contrary to popular belief, it is usually the Lions that steal from them.

6. They can eat and digest anything.

7. HumanÕs canÕt tell the sexes apart. Male hyenaÕs canÕt always tell a male from a female either.

8. They have a pecking order. It creates order, prevents fighting and establishes rank.

9. Communication is an important factor in the hyena community. They greet each other frequently, sniffing the head, neck and genitalia. They have a weird howl.

10. The hyenaÕs social life revolves around the den.

11. Greatly misinterpreted by humans.

Basil Czerwaniw

FROM:ÊÊ PAUL LUCAS, MONTROSE

AFL MASCOT

The AFL takes great pleasure in unveiling its new mascot, everybody's favourite matricidal maniac NORMAN BATES.Ê WeÊ believe the ALF and Norman shareÊ many of the same dynamic qualities that make them such endearing figures.Ê Just consider the following uncanny similarities they have in common.

(i)ÊÊÊ A PASSION FOR TAXIDERMY

Early in the film we discover that Norman is an avid taxidermist with an impressive collection of stuffed birds.Ê The AFL shares a similar passion havingÊ staffed the Under 19s, the Reserves, Waverley etc.

(ii)ÊÊ GREAT WITH THE KNIFE

Who can forget Norman's slice and dice of Marion Crane (Janet Leigh).Ê Apparently the AFL didn't when it carved up South Melbourne and Fitzroy, then dumped the bodies where they wouldn't be found, in rugby league based states.

(iii)Ê "OH MY GOD.Ê MOTHER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

Norman's eternal lament allowed him to blame everything on Mother, when we all know who really is to blame.Ê Sounds similar to Wayne Jackson's buck passing with his oft repeated cry "Oh my God Eddie, what have you done!."

(iv)ÊÊ THE UNSEEN MOTHER

Norman's mother is an unseen dominating presence throughout the movie.Ê Heard but never seen until the terrible secret is revealed.Ê This is very much like the AFL commission.Ê Wayne tells us about them but we never actually meet them.Ê What dark secret lurks in the back rooms of AFL Headquarters.Ê Is the commission really a group of people that meet to discuss important issues or are they just the delusions of a dangerously unstable paranoid schizophrenic.

(v)ÊÊ PASSION FOR FASHION

Nmorman loves nothing more than to slip on a dress, thus making him an icon to all AFL players who seem most at ease in satin and lace.

Paul Lucas

From: David Phillips
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 12:06:00 AM Australia/Melbourne

The afl is pleased to introduce its new mascot.Wayne the sly fox. Wayne represents all that the afl stands for. He is a rich professional, social chardonnay drinker, non smoker and dresses smart casual. Wayne does not like to wear football colors because he supports all the teams. Wayne can be seen before the game in the members dining room, or during the game either in the afl members enclosure or at the medallion club. Hurrah for Wayne

Wayne the sly fox was decided upon to replace the previous mascot, Wally the working class wombat. You may recall Wally, who each week would bring his cubs to the game, would stand behind the goals with his "grass roots" marsupial mates and enjoy a beer and a smoke, while his young cubs would sit and play amongst the free seats.

The afl clearly see Wally and his kind as an endangered species and are most pleased to introduce Wayne the sly fox into the fold to sort things out!

from Dave Phillips

From: David Mcniece
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 10:16:02 AM Australia/Melbourne

I propose the AFL in fact have two mascots. Orson and Seymore are their names. Orson and Seymore were Witchiepoo's two sidekicks (From HR Pufnstuf),one of the feathered variety with a large beak (Demetriou) and the other with big googly eyes ranging on the bespectacled look (Jackson). Their decision-making would certainly be on a par as they are generally driven by outside influences ($$$$)read: Witchiepoo's fanatical obsession of a similar ilk, the golden flute.

From: paul prole
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 10:26:17 AM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Simon,

I propose "Wayne The Pain" as our AFL Mascot. An over inflated character dressed in a dark suit with a large black briefcase emblazoned in gold $ signs.

His routine consists of running onto the ground 10 minutes before the teams and sprinting inturn to their mascots, the crowd, the umpires, the teams as they warm up,the cheer squads, the members and the coaches box.

His modus operandi is to open his briefcase to all "victims" displaying large amounts of AFL Dollars. He then closes the briefcase, makes donkey ears, does a silly dance and runs away.

Finally he approaches the media area, shakes his "Booty" at them before climbing into a Super Box, CASH INTACT!

Regards Paul Prole

From: David Mcniece
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 10:37:50 AM Australia/Melbourne

From Andrew John(Not the bastard that abused you a few weeks ago) First time (VIRGIN) entrant.

To symobise the errant ways of the recent management of the AFL i propose that they new symbol not of our national game but just the AFL itself should be a large bottom with a fist full of dollars comming out of it. This just represents the way that current management are a pack of assholes and all they want is more dollars out of the supporters pockets and into theirs.

Maybe in 28 years when the Colonial Stadium is sold off by the AFL for redevelopment after being heritage listed,the AFL may base itself in Majorca!!!!!!!

From: "Smooker, Glenn"
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 11:02:35 AM Australia/Melbourne

Simon,

Apologies for my sudden reduction of entries lately however I've been fulfilling the more important duties of being an AUSKICK dad. Hopefully in years to come I will have the opportunity to vent my spleen at Tony Leonard ala Nathan Burke's father when my sons are not considered worthy enough of a vote.

Now for the comp:

Sheeds is always ahead of the times and he has experienced thoughts well before anyone else within the universe. He also knows who the REAL people are that run the AFL today. We should embrace these back-room movers and shakers and promote them as AFL Mascots:

I introduce to you:

From: Jane Harris

Dear Simon

Since most of the FAUNA has been done to death as mascot material, it's time to think about the untapped potential of FLORA to fulfill this role. Unfortunately there aren't many types of flora that invoke a lot of passion. But there is one that stands out - THE BRUSSELS SPROUT. People passionately hate Brussels sprouts, or passionately love them, and this type of emotion is what AFL football is all about. Other advantages of having Brussels Sprouts as the AFL mascot would be:

¥ there suitability to being ejected into the crowd before games from cannons roaming the boundary (cooked of course)

¥ there suitability to being made into merchandise such as Brussels Sprout footballs

¥ that a crop of the mascot vegetable could replace the Colonial playing surface as a clearly superior alternative to the current flora that is grown there.

Kind regards Jane Harris

From: mh@seafordps.vic.edu.au
Date: Sat Aug 17, 2002 03:03:49 AM Australia/Melbourne

Subject: mascot

Simon,

Like the Commonweallth Games creature, Dancing Homer and Lolly People, the AFL Mascot must comply with the 'cringe factor'.

1. It must be obvious that it is somebody dressed up

2. It must have an gigantically oversized head

3. It must have abnormally large feet ensuring ungainly movement

4. It must have an unimaginative uniform

5. It must have a routine that Benny Hill would have rejected

6. It must have a syrupy name

7. It must compel fans at games to boo, look away, shake their heads in embarrassment and utter phrases like "Is that the best they can come up with?" or "Or no, that thing" when introduced by the hyperactive, over volumed and bubbly ground announcer. Introducing, "GOLDY" the umpires mascot, watch as he frog hops and stumbles around the oval in front of supporters from both sides. Join in with his flamboyant and exaggerated "In the back", "Holding the ball" and "Advantage" gestures and decisions. Cheer his running backwards and ball bouncing skills. Join in and respond to his "All clear" and fondly wave fairwell as he leaves the arena to the tunes of "Achy Breaky Heart".

From: DEBRA HUSTWAITE

Dear Simon, ÊÊÊ

ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Its fitting that the AFL have a mascot, soÊ why not have none other than Bruiser the footy, from the Fox Footy channels programÊ"Auskickin around" This furry little red footy with a voice "coincidently similar" to that of Tony Lenoard, is an absaloute star.

Bruiser would be a perfect mascot for the AFL, he could be sold as footy's, on t shirts etc etc. Just dont let Western Bulldogs Forward Brad Johnson near him, as he ripped off Bruisers valcro eyes on the show the other week. ÊWhy wouldnt you have a football as a mascot for the AFL????? Ê

Megan Hustwaite

Ballarat

From: Dave Cullen [mailto:dcullen@shock.com.au]
Sent: Friday, 16 August 2002 1:24 PM

Hi Fellas! Ê

My Mum's been doing a bit of thinking about this, and she believes the Skunk would be the perfect Mascot for the AFL.Ê She gives these undoubted reasons : Ê

*The mascot should be American, as that is the way theÊdescription of the game seems to be heading - i.e.. 'Smith bursts off the halfback line. TheÊDoggies are now on the OFFENSIVE.ÊÊÊ ..... they're actuallyÊATTACKING - we all know that! Ê

*The mascot should be Black & White as we don't want to upset the legions of Port Adelaide and more so, Collingwood fans.Ê- 'cos, let's be honest - they're not the easiest to keep happy as it is.... and if we lose the support of Eddie in the choosing of the mascot - there basically goes all the media coverage of our great game! Ê

*The AFL does, as should it's mascot, STINK..... and this is certain to please all supporters fromÊthe remaining 14 clubs. Ê

*Finally - our mascot, the Skunk, should also have a dash of Maroon and Blue around it's mouth - showing that it is not adverse to devouring it's own.Ê i.e. The Fitzroy Football Club. Ê

Thanks very much for your time, Dave Cullen on behalf of my Mum, Dot CullenÊÊ

From: Dale Peterson
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 02:23:43 PM Australia/Melbourne

Dear Simon,

I have it on good authority (Cliff from Clematis) that the AFL recently conducted secret market research which showed its weakest target markets were women and small children. Accordingly, it is attempting to woo these neglected demographics with its choice of new mascot. It is rumoured that the AFL recently signed a deal with a large American toy manufacturer for the rights to one of its most famous creations Ð the Barbie Doll. The AFLÕs new mascot will therefore beÉ. ÒFooty BarbieÓ. (an AFL licensed product)

Like the original Barbie, Footy Barbie will be available in hundreds of different styles and incarnations, with all sorts of matching accessories. A sample of the hundreds of Footy Barbies to be offered is as follows:

1. ÒOuter BarbieÓ Ð the ÔmainstreamÕ product, reflecting the average footy fan. Outer Barbie is down to earth and unpretentious. Her clothes are jeans, footy jumper and footy scarf. Available in all 16 team colours. A more expensive talking version is also available. When the string in her back is pulled she says things like ÒCarn the Tiges/Dons/Pies/Blues, etcÉÓ)

2. ÒGeelong BarbieÓ Ð the same as Outer Barbie, but with moleskins instead of jeans and an extensive range of matching hand-bags (naturally)

3. ÒPort Power BarbieÓ Ð similar to Outer Barbie but with a peroxide mullet haircut, acid wash jeans and moccasins.

4. ÒSuper Box BarbieÓ Ð this Barbie is a bit more up-market and expensive. Super Box Barbie comes with a mink coat, make-up and lots of jewelry. Also available is Super Box BarbieÕs matching husband, Corporate Spiv Ken, clothed in an Armani suit with mobile phone.

5. ÒMedallion Club BarbieÓ Ð Similar to Super Box Barbie, except she comes with a matching pink Ferrari which she parks underneath Colonial Stadium.

6. ÒGrand Final BarbieÓ Ð Another variation on Super Box Barbie. She is related to a sponsor and the Grand Final is the only game she goes to each year. She has no interest or knowledge whatsoever in the game. Looks totally out-of-place amongst the other Barbies Ð sheÕs dressed as if she was going to Oaks Day at Flemington. When her string is pulled she says things like ÒUm, so why is the black and white team kicking to the other end this quarterÉ?Ó

7. ÒBrownlow Bimbo BarbieÓ Ð a racier, after-dark Barbie, with extra long legs, ultra blonde hair and extra large cleavage, whose clothes comprise only little black numbers. The playersÕ favourite.

8. ÒMatty Lappin BarbieÓ Ð comes with an academic mortar board and a fire extinguisherÉ.

From: KyselaO
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 02:32:04 PM Australia/Melbourne

The AFL mascot needs to be for the people. Something that every footy club or organisation can relate to. There is only one choice, and that is to call it:

"Macca"

Every club or organisation associated with football has a Macca. The Blues have McKay. The Hawks have McCabe. The trophies have McClelland. The Coodabeens have McArthur. The Macca will appear as follows:

* Red-haired and pale-skinned as a tribute to the highly probable Irish descent

* Holding Official AFL stubbie holder inclusive of sponsor's product

* Rolled-up formguide protruding from footy shorts

* Tattoo of letter from Japanese alphabet on bicep

The persona of Macca will be built around the qualities that we all love in a footballer:

* First bloke down at training each night

* Will do anything for the game at the expense of career, family and relationships

* The bloke you can drop for a Grand Final to ensure the half-injured superstar who doesn't train plays, and he'll still turn up at pre-season training next year.

The launch of Macca will be at the Telstra Dome by way of balloons released by schoolchildren at the next scheduled finals match in front of a capacity crowd. And in the time-honored tradition of the regulation "teething-problems" that accompany a major event at the Telstra Dome, 10,000 balloons resembling a now scrambled Macca are tragically stopped short 12 seconds into orbit by the closed roof.

And that is precisely why we can never have the Grand Final at night at the Telstra Dome.

Oliver Kysela

From: "Jane, Erika"
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 05:07:34 PM Australia/Melbourne

Hi Si,

I think the official symbol of the AFL should be a crystal ball. When you look into this crystal ball you will see one of two possibilities - complete cloudiness, or Eddie McGuire.

Erika

From: John Walker
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 06:00:50 PM Australia/Melbourne

The media is there in droves, a hush comes over the throng as the lights go down. A single spot light hits a seated Wayne Jackson, who says, "Thankyou all for coming, today the AFL are proud to announce the introduction of our new League mascot, Schizo Pete", a new spotlight hits what looks like an evil looking Gerry Gee dummy sitting on Jacksons lap.

Jackson contunues, "We are thrilled to tell everyone that from today kiddies will be able to download anyone of 128 personalities (for a small fee) from the AFL website and load their favourite into the Schizo Pete memory chip. The personalities range from the cute and cuddly little old lady who sits in the same seat at the MCG for Melbourne home games to the extroverted "lace-up jumper" of the Essendon cheer squad."

"From Monday all approved AFl stores will release, under licence, a range of two piece woolen suits in Club colors for Pete. That way when you get home from the footy and put Pete in your room he will feel right at home settled in with all your other Club merchandise, waiting for you to turn out the lights to go to sleep".

Regards

John Walker

From: tim gee
Date: Fri Aug 16, 2002 10:36:39 PM Australia/Melbourne

Gidday all,

mascots eh! Good name for an air port.

As for the AFL's mascot, I reckon the affable Donny the Dugong should get a run. He's big, slow and fairly stupid and, above all esle, is Aust-bloody-stralian as it comes. AFL like? Ruckman like? Who knows? I just like Donny the Dugong for what he is, a rare ugly dolphin-like creature who can tell a good yarn and is nice to kiddies.

Goodonya and go the mighty pussy cats!

Tim G

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