The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Nineteen:
Gary Ayres has been under some scrutiny this week. For the competion, tell us your favourite "coach loses it" story.
From: From:
HOPPY
Hillend Football Club(Mid Gippsland League) 1st eighteen playing in a crunch game in the mid eighties.
The coach "Weeksie" had been sidelined with a knee reconstruction and was on crutches.
Half time, and our performance hadn't been great, and "Weeksie" was pleadingwith us formore passion and stating how our season was on the line.
He then spied "Glassjaw" asking one of the supporters for the result of race 5 at the Valley.
Well if you have ever seen a volcano erupt---here was the human version.
A red faced, furious,"Weeksie" lifted a crutch. took aim and threw it with the speed an accuraccy that would have one a gold medal in the javalin at Manchester.
Luckily "Glassjaw" caught site of the projectile just in time to shift his head to one side as it sailed pass smashing through the double sided fibre cement wall separating the change rooms from the showers and toilet, narraowly missingthe chairman of selectors who was releiving himself prior to the start of the 3rd quarter.
Well it worked, "Glassjaw" pulled his finger out in the second half and starred, we won the game and our season was still alive.
After "Weeksie" had recovered he keep that crutch on stanby for his half time speeches.
The hole in the wall was never repaired and the day we pulled down the old shed to build our new clubrooms those memories were relived over afew beers.
Regards
From: Cheryl Harvey
Simon,
This happened back in the enigmatic eighties and it was an Eastern Districts match when the mercurial Georgie Bisset coached and played for South Wantirna at the age of 50 something! Mind you it was Division 4!!
Georgie had been doing quite well this day and had even tried a place kick much to the delight of the local supporters. George had never been a fan of the men in white and at the huddle at quarter time after a few ordinary decisions he decided that venting his fury at them was better than giving his players a dressing down. The diminutive George marched up to the men in white and stood hip to hip with them giving them a fearful tongue lashing to which the umpires immedaitely ordered him off the ground for the rest of the match! Bad move as Georgie's voice could now be heard by all and sundry as he proceded to disect every decision they made! For a holding the ball they were "incorrugated" real meaning :(Incorrigable), for a push in the back it was "unfeedable" I think that meant unbelieveable! and a 15m penalty was met with "I'm rodable" which loosley translated meant 'ropeable'!
To say Georgie had a gift of the gab was probably best summed up by his wife Cathy who related to me a story he told: "I tell them what to do at quarter time and them I repeat it again at half time and again the same thing at 3/4 time, I should just make a bloody tape recording and play it to them instead!!!"
Cheryl Harvey
From: gfitzger@ceo.sand.catholic.edu.au (Grant Fitzgerald)
Dear Boys,
The scene is set !
ON GROUND:
22 seconds left in 2nd quarter in Brisbane with your team down by only 4 points having worked really hard to be that close.
An undisciplined act occurs deep in the Brisbane forward line - results in a soft goal
IN COACH'S BOX:
Coach grabs phone and yells at runner - "Get that %#$$# off the ground - now !" Thinks to himself [Is that bloke in front of the box smirking at me ?]
BACK ON GROUND:
Siren goes - scuffle breaks out - free paid to Brisbane in the goal square - another goal - 16 points down.
IN COACH'S BOX:
"What the $%##@ ! You stupid #$@#$ !" Picks up the phone - realises the runner has left the box, slams it down again, and agaian and again and really loses it - throws the entire phone set at the front window. It bounces back, hits him on the head - knocks him out !
In comes the Brisbane ambulance officers - administers first aid to increase the pain, took the long route to the Brisbane hospital and leave him on a trolley for 2 hours - making him miss the plane.
UPSHOT: Player is traded to Collingwood in the hope that he will do it again against his old team, causing Collingwood to miss the finals. Coach is fined by AFL, perspex windows are replaced by space age non bounce material and the telephones are hardwired into the runners' heads !
Grant Fitzgerald
Date: Mon, 05 Aug 2002 10:57:48 +0000
Dear Simon,
Er, guilty your honour.
Fresh out of uni I once took on a team so shocking that novellist Stephen
King wanted rights to their story. When their coach quit and noone else put
their hand up, I volunteered under the Pacific Dunlop theory - stocks that
low have to go up.
Lacking experience, skill, and wisdom as player, coach, and mentor, I
depended heavily on chapters from the "The Coach" insofaras three-quarter
time addresses were concerned. As Barass was yet to make his landmark
coach-of-Melbourne realisation that psychotic verbal lambastings aren't
always appropriate, such lambastings were the only tools at my disposal.
In my 5-week term, the team traversed the hostile terrain from
routine-thrashings through mother-of-a-shellackings down to one out-and-out
fiasco. I plodded the parallel path from "have you no pride?" through "just
try to get the first couple" down to "is being a loser really what you want
out of life????"
Next to mine, David parkin's arteries were hairline fractures in bone china.
I was encountering some dark places.
My sixth game was forfeited because I lost half my team, not through
walk-outs, suspensions or osteitis, but because one player's mum was taking
him and 8 teammates to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
I've never been asked to coach again, although I noticed an email today from
John Elliott.
cheers Simon,
Stuart McArthur
From: smith family I can't remember the coach's name but that's not important as I don't think he coach's anymore and it was only seconds football in the Maryborough & Castlemaine League. We, being Newstead, were playing Trentham at home on this particular Saturday arvo, I'd been out of football for a couple of years and decided to have a run again. Trentham were up near the top of the ladder while The Steaders were languishing down the bottom of the table. It was half time and I'm sharing a cigarette with my brother in law on the side of the huddle (as you do) when the coach goes off his nut about how shocking the opposition are. (His exact words started with "f" "s" & "c".) He then went on to say that we were better than them and that we should be well in front. I took another drag of the cigarette and looked at the scoreboard to see that Trentham were leading 17 goals to 2. I turned to the brother and law and said can you believe this address, I've gotta give this game away.
sender
From: Peter and Julieanne Rhodes
The "Brownlowian effect"
Healy off, Ellingworth on!
R.D. Barassi
Peter Rhodes
From:
Stephen Goddard
I was there, the day Tony Jewell really lost it.
It was 1972, and Tony was playing coach of the Caulfield Bears - the 'hooped affair' of VFA's second division.
As Tony was winding up his three-quarter time on-field address, he rhetorically enquired:
"What's up with you guys ?"
My adolescent mate spontaneously called out from the back of the huddle:
Jeez we laughed, but Tony lost it.
It's a cruel game, but from what I can remember, the Bears stormed home in the last quarter and won it - even though (or maybe because) Tony 'lost it'.
(P.S. As Stan would recall, it was the year that Geelong West's Graeme McLean kicked a Second Division VFA record of 137 goals for the season, under captain coach Billy Goggin. Geelong West went on to beat the Bears in the Grand Final by 6 points in front of an 'estimated' attendance of 15,000.)
--
Stephen Goddard
From: Rod Hartman
My son was playing with the Central Dragons in the first year of the
Under 18 competition under the watchful eye of that well known junior
coach- the loveable and quietly spoken Ray "Slug " Jordan.
Unfortunately it wasn't a good year and many games were lost by big
margins.
On this particular day after another loss, Slug had all the boys sit on
the floor of the dressing room and then proceeded in a calm manner
[true] to deliver this beauty which I will produce almost word for word
as it has been implanted on my brain for so long.
SLUG : I've got the solution boys. After I talk to you, go and have a
shower. Spruce yourselves up nice, put some aftershave on, so you
smell good. Go out together as a group to a pub , have a few beers,
get drunk, pick up a nice looking chick, make love to her [not his
exact words], get her pregnant, get a job at weekends to look after
her and the new baby COS NONE OF YOU BASTARDS CAN F****** PLAY FOOTBALL
ANYWAY!
A very long time listener but first time entrant. PS My son is getting
married today and NO she is not pregnant!
Rod Hartman
Date: Tue, 06 Aug 2002 19:07:41 -0700
After the round 18 debacle at the MCG between the old nemisis and Carlton,
senior cach Wayne Brittain is told to pack his bag for "where else but
Queensland" and is replaced with a Carlton favourite , former coach David
Parkin for the rest of the season. However, during Carlton's following match
against Port Power at the Oval that no Carlton person remembers because there
never there, coach Parkin performs a modern day miracle. No it's not getting
the Blues a win, but during a three quarter time address when the team is
trailing by 100 points, Parkin lets rip with one of the biggest sprays he has
ever given. It is just as he begins to lose control of his arms and hands in a
rotating motion whilst yelling at the players that he begins to rise from the
ground. Suddenly his feet are off the ground and the crowd and players are
standing in disbelief. He doesn't stop however, and continues giving it to the
players. It is only when he suddenly realises he's in heaven that he stops. St.
Peter turns to him and says, "Mr. Parkin , what may I ask you are doing here".
David Parkin replies, " I'm not really sure, but after just being in hell, I
can guarantee you I'm not going back!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bradley Lucas ( long time Cats Fan)
Date: Tue, 06 Aug 2002 20:28:04 +1000
Dear Simon and all listeners/internet viewers,
I apologise in advance for the metaphor I'm about to inflict upon you,
but this entry has the merit of being a true story.
In the early 80s, I played mid-week inter-collegiate football at
Melbourne Uni. My college played firsts in the major colleges
competition and were coached by a series of footballing luminaries over
the years including Vin Cattagio and (wait for it) GERARD HEALY. It was
pretty handy footy too with VFL players like Neil Daniher, Richard
Loveridge and Stephen Mount turning out (usually without their club's
knowledge).
Our seconds played against the "minor" colleges and we were usually
coached by some no-name player from Uni Blacks who was a final year
medical student and therefore had the advantage of being older than the
rest of us.
So it was that in a semi-final of the seconds, we were playing against
the Veterinary college Kendall Hall. Their entire side was made up of
6ft 6in 23 year olds from the Wimmera or Mallee who'd grown up playing
under age footy against guys like Tim Watson. They were beating us by 20
goals to 3 at 3/4 time when our extremely frustrated coach called us in
for a tirade. As usual, there was a large crowd surrounding the huddle,
including a full complement of college women in the cheer squad. The
coach therefore lost all credibility and would have destroyed any post
game chances he had, when he accused us of "playing like a bunch of
schoolgirls on the rags."
Please excuse the image but I'm a supporter of a poor inner city
suburban club riveted to the bottom of the ladder, saddled with its own
loss making and unpopular stadium and who suffered a total shellacking
at the hands of its most bitter rival on the weekend. I need sympathy.
Greg (and definitely not Sue this week) Hoysted
From: Leonie Wainwright
This may not be the greatest story of a coach "losing it", but I feel it needs to be told because of its uniqueness.
Back in 1980, after undergoing many trials and 'practice' matches, I was finally given the all clear to become a Field Umpire. I had previously been a boundary umpire, but wanted to further my 'career'. After much discussion between league officialsI was 'employed' by my local team to umpire all home games for the Under 9's.(Each home team had to provide a field upmire)After a number of good games, I was selected to start umpring at other grounds, and I think I unfortunately have the honour of being the firstumpire to be attacked by a member of the public after a game.
Very soon after, umpires had to be escorted from the ground by officials from both teams. Anyway, back then, before modified rules for juniors and Auskick, part of a field umpires duties were to help the Under 9's learn the rules, and so there I was, quickly explaining to the kids what they had done after each decision. At the time, my boyfriend was coach of this particular Under 9's, and he was on the ground also instructing his charges on what to do. (Coaches were allowed to be on the ground)During the game, I could hear him mumbling about some of my decisions, and after what he thought was another incorrect one, I saw, then heard, the clip board he was carrying, embed itself into the turf, with the words, "I can't beleive she keeps doing it". I, of course, have no idea what he was referring to. The funny thing was not actually the'dummy spit', but the reaction from his team, who all wanted to know if we would still be going out together, orwas that it? (Remember in Under 9's, there is always 30players around the ball at any one time),
I do not remember the outcome of the game,but as for my boyfriend, we have now been married for nearly 18 years!!!!!
Regards, Leonie.
From: Tim Goddard
Whelan the wrecker,
Walked off he did. Totally exacerbated. Three quarter time. Playing
coach. Tossed it in. Thought that if we weren't prepared to listen he
wasn't prepared to play. Fair enough we thought. We were somewhat of a
rabble. It was a miserable day down at Anglesea. It was cold, wet and
windy and we were getting flogged. Little wonder he walked off, at full
forward he hadn't seen must action and must have been getting a chill.
Discipline wasn't high on our agendas. Waiting for the siren in the dead
pocket was a far more appealing prospect.
It worked out for the best though, after he had showered and given us our
dressing down, he wheeled out a slab. Goodonya we thought. Goodonya for
being a good fella. It takes courage to see the error in one's ways.
As I said, he walked back in, he sat right down, baby let the good times
roll. Everyone was talking about a new way of coaching.
Cheers
Tim G
rom: Maree Critchley
Date: Wed Aug 07, 2002 07:24:17 PM Australia/Melbourne
Dear Simon,
Being a girly-swot growing up I wasnt involved in sports much so I
dont have any interesting stories about coaches spitting the dummy.
But having worked for the CES before it was axed, I witnessed some great
dummy spits by the clients. My favourite of all time was by one of the
most psychotic and violent clients we had. The slightest thing would
cause him to explode, and because of this hed been banned from every
office in Australia except ours. One day he flew into a murderous rage
for no reason at all and grabbed a long leather strap from his bag (kind
of like a whip). He started swinging it around his head telling us he
was going to kill us all - basically trying his hardest to get us
quaking in our boots. Thankfully his coordination was destroyed by
years of alcohol abuse and all he managed to do was wrap the strap
around his own neck. We were laughing so hard behind the counter we
didnt even think to ask if hed hurt himself. He never did return to
our office after that.
Maree from Brunswick
From: Craig Coombes
i gladly and openly had a crack at the Umpire losing it a couple of weeks ago, now i must point the finger at myself!
Coaching in the Newcastle league for Cardiff in 1993, we we're playing bottom of the ladder Newcastle City 1-13 with ourselves clearly sitting on top with 13-1 record ( only losss courtesy of that stupid umpiring decison), so a decisive victory was expected.
At half time we led by 13 points, as the players entered the rooms i told the door man to move back and then when i close the door, let no-one else in! Well close the door i did, with an almighty kick, making several players jump in sheer fright, 2 of them were sitting and smacked their heads on the cement wall behind them. The room went deadly silent as this was very much out of character for me, i was a positive, quiet coach at all times and always remained in control, except for this day!
As they all sat still and quiet, i entered the toilet, again kicking the door closed, i stayed in there just waiting to hear what may have went on, but these rather large men still sat there frightened to even speak.
I remained in the dunny for the entire half time break and only came out when the umpire came pounding on the door instructing us to take the field straight away. As the players emerged, the Captain asked me where there any postional changes, i snapped back and said "NO" and i continued to walk to the coachs box, copping a few boo's from the supporters!
Well. 3/4 time address was simple, i stayed in the coaches box and told the Captain to address the group as it might not be wise for me to walk over to them. In the second half we kicked 23 goals 11 to there 1 goal 3, so we ended up winning by 156 points after leading by only 13 points at the half!
As the players entered the rooms, smiling, laughing i again instructed the door man to move back and permit no-one else in until i gave the all clear! When the last player entered, i again kicked the door close with an almighty bang, which again got their attention, i said "Thank-you"..and walked out, only returning to training on Tuesday night, where we then had a good old chat about Saturdays events, some nervous men sweated for 3 days awaiting my pre-training address, but needless to say that group of players never played arrogant, lazy football again under my control, regardless of the opposition's position on the ladder, hence the next games result where we kicked 47.49.331 to Maitland 0.0.0 ( i only gave them a little bake for inaccurate kicking!)
Craig Coombes
From: Paul Martin
Hi Simon,
I recently attempted the re-invention of the now not so evergreen Michael Nettlefold incident......... Wha......Whaaa.
The Port Adelaide Magpies continue their run of losses, this narrow defeat brings their losing streak to a historic 132 year record of 7.
"Seven in a row!, Seven in a row!, Seven in a row!, Seven in a row!"
Stephen, thinking the poor fellow had "repeating record" syndrome, produces mobile phone, aims, Thwack!!!
"Ahh, that's cured him", Stephen advised stunned onlookers, as he headed for the change rooms.
Cheers, Paul Martin.
From: Cheryl Critchley
Hi guys:
Fictional: It's half time at the Eastern Districts Pennant lawn bowls
semi-final and the Croydon Ladies' pairs, Myrtle Smith and Flossie
Jones, are 20 points behind their arch rivals.
Their newly appointed coach, David Parkin, is not impressed. Veins
popping out of his neck and eyes bulging, he lets it rip.
"For f...'s sake, Myrtle, what the hell where you thinking with that
pathetic bloody excuse of a shot at the 5th end? You've gotta attack
that f.....g jack like there's no tomorrow, wear it like a f.....g glove
and NEVER EVER let it out of your goddam sight. You hear me?!?!?! Then
f.....g get on with it and show 'em what you're f.....g made of and stop
with that slack s... You can beat this useless bunch of f.....g losers,
just get your f.....g act together and kick some ar.."
When the ladies turn it around and win by one point, Parkin is so
excited his eyes actually pop out of his head and back in again.
Luckily Myrtle and Floosie don't have their glasses on so they don't
notice and continue sipping their celebratory cups of tea.
Go Tigers,
From: David
Hi Simon
Not having any children of my own, I have missed out on the pleasure (?) of
junior sports competitions. However a couple of years ago a mate invited me
along one Sunday morning to watch his son play in the local under 13 competition. So with umbrella and warm overcoat I proceeded down
to the oval.
cheers
David Bean
From: Paul booth
Dear Simon,
Just a quick entry for the coach who loses it comp.
My favourite story I have heard was about Allan Jeans.
One day at the G during a final, Dermie was some what struggling, getting his butt kicked by his opponent, and Jeans had had enough, so he picks up the phone and on the other end poor old george stone (the runner at the time) gets the message that "tell that purple haired poofter to start to contest or he is off", now george is a bit confused, purple haired?
Well he puts two and two together and towards dermie he runs, but as he nears dermie he can see the steam coming from his ears and thinks if I pass this message on I may be killed. So good old george just keeps running and stops at poor old Russell Morris (standing ten metres past dermie) and says Jeansie says start to contest or your off.
Poor old Russell did not know what to think as he wasn't playing to badly.
Paul from Carnegie
Paul Booth
From: Shane Gill
It's half time, Optus Oval. Carlton vs Collingwood. Scoreline- Collingwood 14 3 to Carlton 1 9. Wayne Brittan refuses to let his charges leave the arena. He walks to the huddle and throws a towel into its centre. Storms off the ground and is last seen with head down walking aloneRoyal Parade. Meanwhile, back at the ground Big Jack attempts to rally the boys for the remainder of the game. 3/4 time. Scoreline- Collingwood 23 6 to Carlton 1 11. On to the ground comes Wayne, the players eyes light up in anticipation of a forgive and forget scenario. As he reaches the huddle, he pulls from under his sports jacket, 3 sets of netball bibs and silently hands them out. As he leaves the huddle he grabs a water bottle from the nearest trainer, douses Jacks fag as it hangs from his mouth, gives the players the big finger and says,
From: "Burgin, Glen"
G'day Si....Great competition.....
We had this bloke at St Bernards Old Boys Under 14's in the late seventies......
I don't know whether he needed a psychiatrist or a gastroenterologist....
Dr Glen Burgin
From: "Swinnerton,Tony"
The Scene: Round 22 2002
Game 1: Post match conference after the Friday night game between Hawthorn
and Geelong...
Geelong defeat Hawthorn by 19 points, completing a 4 game winning streak for
the Cats (who finish 5th) and a 4 game losing streak for Hawthorn (who
finish 12th)
Mark Thompson's conference:
Rohan Connolly: "Have you conceded defeat on the "F" word and are prepared
to admit the Cats are actually playing a game next week."
Thomson: "Here's an "F" word for you Rohan...." Bomber "loses it" in a mild
manner finishing the sentence with a wry smile and folded arms
Peter Schwabs conference:
Mark Dooran: "Given that it was - for the 6th week running - a lack of
goalscoring power that lost you the game, do you admit that trading Trent
Croad last year was a mistake"
Schwabby: Looking like he's just left a 6 hour sauna taken in full clothing,
he leaps the desk and headbutts the ferret, who goes down in a screaming
bloody heap.
Game 2: Collingwood vs Western Bulldogs
Bulldogs by 24 points
The Bulldogs cap off a remarkable 6 week winning run to scrape into the 8.
The Pies drop their last game of the season to finish in 3rd place.
Terry Wallace conference:
Mark Dorran (Nose packed with gauze and bandaged): "Duh ya fink dat Dennus
Paguns meetings wif David Smorgon four weeks ago shpurred da playas on in da
last munf, or wash it da fret to make dem all wear dishco boots like yoursh
if dey didn't make da finalsh?"
Wallace: Sighs, shakes his head and slaps Dorran on the nose.
Mick Malthouse conference:
Mick's ire is raised early by bringing up the fact that Collingwood are
likely to play a prelim final in Brisbane as a reward for finishing 3rd -
he's angry mainly because "you guys in the media have decided who's going to
win and lose the first round of finals already". As the conference is
wrapping up...
Christie Malthouse: "Mum wants you to get milk on the way home"
Mick: Fumming mad stare. Storms from room. But turns before exiting "Skinny
or regular?"
Game 3: Port Adelaide vs Brisbane Lions
Brisane by 75 points
Brisane cap off an 8 game streak - looking ominous as they belt Port, and
finishing in 1st place. Port finish 2nd after dropping their last two games
- this one a belting. Last week John Worsfold described the losing Port
Adelaide game plan as "predictable"
Mark Williams interview with Channel 10
Michael Christian: "A word that's been bandied around this week Willo is
"predictable" about your game plan. Some suggesting that your lack of
back-up plans make Port easy to work out"
Williams: Flaring nostrils and downcast stare alight prepares to deliver a
strong comment, when from right of screen an empty plastic coke bottle flys
in and hits Williams on the side of the head "Couldn't see that coming
either could you Mr Predictable?" yells the angry (and now running) Port
fan. Williams tears off after him.
St Kilda vs Melbourne
Dees by 24 points. Dees finish 6th. Saints 14th.
Half time and it's the Dees by 72 points. Neitz has 8.
Saints fan near the race fronts Grant Thomas and demands "How're you going
to feed all of your kids next year now that Rodney Eade has been hired to
"assist with the Process" - you'll be out of a job fatboy". Thomas, calm
until the fatboy taunt, promptly delivers a Paul Hogan's "Donga" gut bounce
on the fan who careers off down the stairs.
Neil Daniher's conference:
Dorran (more gauze): "Yuv developt a knack of looshing big leads after
quick shtarts. Ish dat becaush the team lacksh mental dishipline?"
Daniher: Forcefully "Not at all. I know they don't lack Mental...." is
interrupted by
Dermott Brereton (on TV hook up) : "that's not what Joe Gutnick said in the
paper this morning"
Daniher: proceeds to lambast the press as "not representing the match
events" and "mucking into dirty politics" and "that's not what this football
club is about". Neil doesn't really lose it big time.
Sydney vs Richmond
Sydney by 2 points. After a kick after the siren by Darren Cresswell, 55
metres out on the boundary. Free kick given after a questionable decision
against Matthew Richardson (who kicked 1 goal 9 points for the game).
Sydney finish 13th. Richmond 15th with their last win against Melbourne in
Round 18.
Sydney Press conference:
Matthew Campbell: "what are your plans for the off season"
Dennis Pagan: "Herm urrrrrrrm, it's a bit hard to say urrrrrrrm at this
stage urrrrrrm. We've obviously got to look urrrrrrrrm at the full list
urrrrmmmm." Press conference is interrupted by a raging mad Paul Roos who
makes a charge at Pagan. The assembled journo's hold him back.
Roos: "you lying #$@#@ dog! you told me you were in Sydney to visit
family!!!"
Richmond Press conference:
Caroline Wilson: "Considering Richardson's match returns in the past 4 weeks
- 2 goals 18 points, do you think it was a mistake to re-sign him (on a
bigger contract) after round 18?"
Danny Frawley: "AARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!" Danny snaps, flips the desk and starts
lashing out at anyone within reach.
Kangaroos vs West Coast
Roos by 25 points. Roos finish 7th. West Coast finish 9th after dropping
last 4 games.
After the game Worsfold, going down the coaches race - you guessed it - gets
acosted by 15 Roos fans who mysteriously get past the security, and all of
whom dangle and wrap their scarves around his head. Worsfold singles out a
skinny, weak looking fan (much like he did on the field) and proceeds to
pummel him to a bleeding heap.
AAA Kangaroos press conference:
Rohan Connolly: "Are you worried about the fact that the AFL have altered
the draft rules to allow Wayne Carey to play his comeback game for Melbourne
next week in the final against the Roos."
Darren Crocker: "What the #*&#^$ is this! First I've heard! No #$&^#
way!!!!" Network switches to commercial
Fremantle vs Adelaide
Freo by 2 points. In a surprise move the AFL shifted the venue for this
game - due to a long standing deal done between the AFL and Geelong in 1984
- to Skilled Stadium. In front of a 5,650 strong crowd - all of whom sat in
the Brownlow stand, Freo upset the Crows winning with an after the siren
kick taken by Pavlich from 2 metres out - after a suspect free kick given
against Nigel Smart for holding.
Entire crowd turn to the now "safety glass tinted" coaches box containing
Gary Ayres and give him the bird. Gary, unseen through the tint, bashes in
a frenzy against the glass, which wobbles and shakes. Soundproofing also
protects the genteel Geelong farmers from Ayre's colourful outbursts.
Chris Connolly lost it and stormed out of his Footy Show interview on
Thursday night after being told of the game switch. But later recovered
when he realised that it wasn't him that should be worried about a return to
Skilled.
Freo 10th, Adelaide 4th.
Carlton vs Essendon
Essendon by 204 points
In a record margin win, Essendon fell 4 points short of Geelongs record high
score (237) to crush Carlton in the ultimate humiliation. Essendon finish
8th, Carlton the spooners.
Carlton press conference:
Rohan Connolly (smugly): "You must be feeling pretty low, with this your 3rd
flogging for 3 games in charge?"
Stephen Kernahan: "Whorororo urgannurrg! Firniturnurrr! Brrintabruunnnn!
Grrrroornn!"
followed by a drink coaster being flung frisbee style at Connolly.
Essendon press conference:
Caroline Wilson: "Are you worried by the lead up to the finals, that being
in 8th spot, you could have done with a harder hit out this week?"
Sheeds: "Well how would you know? You've never coached"
Walls follow up question: "Being at Essendon, you must be confident of
winning a few finals Kevin, unlike some of the smaller clubs"
Sheeds: "Well you'd know, with your 23% winning ratio, hiding up in the
sunshine wouldn't ya!" Sheeds storms out.
Tony Swinnerton
From: Basil
Modern television coverage of football has allowed the general public to
catch coaches in their most vulnerable moments. Often the public assumes the
response is caused by the team but there may be another reason:
David Parkin
Rodney Eade
Kevin Sheedy
Malcolm Blight
Stan Alves
Jeff Geishan
And we thought it was because of the team.
Basil Czerwaniw
From: Darrell Nash
Last Friday Wayne Brittain'lost the plot - big time' at half time againstCollingwood at the MCG.
Britain stormed into the rooms and immediately let fly.
"One Goal! One Bloody Goal! We've hit rock bottom. If any of you blokes are enjoying this you can get out now. It's a joke! An absolute joke! The backline is looser thanJack'sjock strap. How about stopping your opponent? Youforwards are pathetic! Any chance of getting in front?Have we got a midfield? Your still waiting for Ratts to give you the ball: and he's not there! Skunks! Any chance of some impact of the bench?Any prospect of usefull ideas from the staff?One Goal! One Bloody Goal!"
Just then Malthouse arrived and asked why he was in the Collingwood rooms to which Britts' replied"They wont let me in the Carlton rooms."
(apologies to Groucho Marx)
Darrell Nash
From: Paul Lucas
DATELINE SEPTEMBER 2003
As the 2003 season draws to a close, I must say that I have never seen anyone carry on like the new Tigers coach after their Round 1 victory over reigning premiers Collingwood.
For those not familiar with the coaching changes at Tiger Land,let me give you a brief update.
In September ofk 2002 a UN task force ousted Iraw dictator Saddam Hussein. The Tigers, having just scked Danny Frawley, were in need of a no nonsense coach prepared to make the tough decisions, so they snapped up the unemployed dictator.
Not unexpectedly, the move created a huge controversy in the media given Saddams failure to serve a suitable apprentice as an assistant coach. To off-set the criticism, the Tigers appointed Norm Dare as his assistant.
As mentioned earlier, it was following the Round 1 clash tghat the unfortunate incident occurred. When the final siren rang, Saddum overcome with emotion, unholstered his pistol and emptied the entire magazine into the roof of the coaches box, much to the consternation of the MCC members.
It came as no surprise that the AFL instituted tougher restrictions on the numbers of weapons and their use in the coaches box. An angry Saddam denounced Wayne Jackson as "the Great Satan" which Jackson described Saddam, Elliot and McGuire as the "Axis of Evil" threatening to destroy the AFL.
Since the incident, tension has simmered between Saddam and Jackson. Media experts believe the two will clash again over the issues of whether weapons of mass destruction are exempt from the club's salary cap.
From Paul Lucas
From: andrew walby
Tony Jewell and the "pulling his hair out" incident...I'm surprised Danny doesn't have a scone like KB!
Andrew Walby
From: David Phillips
prediction: a footy coaches biggest dummy spit will
happen next year! Why? Well carlton need a new coach
and who better to coach the blues than one of
australias more successful coaches of late, Damir
Dokic. Wanting to reconcile with the Australian public
the Dokics move to Carlton.
It gets better. The Blues decide to open up the footy
club like no one before, by having it shown on reality
tv. Just like big brother and the Osbournes we get to
see it warts and all.
Watch for classic dummy spits like Damir jumping up
and down on Eddies car after losing to Collingwood,
,Damir punching out Sam on the footy show, Damir
believing sheeds's "no rules this week" quote, watch
for Big Jack and Damir absolutely blind at
presentation night and the food fight at the colonial
food court.
Other highlights include Ryan Houlihans hissy fits,
the pillow fights with no. 12 and Damir teaching the
boys to drink slivovitz.
Unfortunately it can't last. A "please explain" from
Demetriou and a comment about "Inappropriate
Bevaviour" from Jacko enrages Damir. He calls them
cheats, racists and plotters against his family, packs
his bags and heads back to Florida. As they say "a
week is a long time in football."
I couldn't help but laugh at Sheeds little dummy spit.
Last week he called for no rules, copped a beating and
then calls Lethal a redneck. You started it Kev they
stood there ground and finished it.
dave phillips
From: Matt Cronin
I have had to cast my mind back in time to recall this week's entry so here
goes.
The greatest spit by a coach was building from the time he reached the
ground, but occured in the third quarter when the ball was in the forward
line. The Fairpark Under 14 team had thought that "Blooms Reserve" sounded
like the ideal venue, especially since the 30 degree slope on the ground had
been removed and a flat playing surface was the talk of the competition.
Unfortunately, the flat playing surface resembled the surface of the moon,
except there were more rocks and less dust.
Unfortunately, the state of the art change rooms were tin sheds with a blue
metal stone floor.
Unfortunately, the comfortable coaches box were just an area marked out on
the ground with white lime.
Unfortunately, the seating around the ground was just the old pines that
grew at the northern end of the oval. The grand seating design for the
ground was similar to the artist impression of VFL park (contained in the
Coddabeens book) with a stand surrounding the ground, however the local
groundskeeper had issues about light getting on to the playing surface to
allow the grass to grow (a fact later proved true by Colonial Stadium).
Unfortunately, the Fairpark team was their first team and my team was
actually the clubs reserve team and we were giving them a flogging.
It may have been a combination of these that led the opposition coach to
take his team from the ground, or perhaps the straw that broke the camels
back was when the umpire ordered one of his star players of the ground for an
alleged striking offence. Whatever it was, it was great to see his
reaction and his players reaction as they realised that their coach's
inability to cope with adversity cost them a football game.
Matt Cronin
From: Mega Trim
Dear Simon,
Although I was not playing in this game it has become part of Mt Waverley folklore. At the time, Mount were coached by a shy and retiring ex Hawthorn Premiership player by the name of Ian Bremner. Brem was famous for his hard at the ball, knock em down and if they happened to get up, knock em down a little harder attitude. At 3/4 time Mount were struggling and well behind against another teams who's name escapes me in all areas. After a long silence in the huddle, Brem un folded a plan to win the game by TKO in the last stanza. He asked, no, demanded that each player stand directly in front of his opponent and as the umpire bounced the ball, they were to throw their heads back and head butt the opposition player. Looks of bewilderment went around the huddle but Brem had 'that' look and no one was game to ask if he was serious. The huddle broke up and players went to their positions, Brem (who was playing and coaching) stood directly in front of his man on the wing and when the ball was bounced nearly every Mount player turned to look and BANG, down went this unsuspecting young wingman from the other team courtesy of the back of Ian Bremner's skull.
Naturally, a massive Blue erupted, Bremner VS anyone within 25 kilometres. The washup was Mount lost the game, the fight, the respect and Bremner was given a mid season holiday and had to coach the team from over the fence for the next 3 or 4 weeks.
A great guy Ian Bremner, a fitness fanatic and very intelligent businessman but get him across the white line (or with a few too many sherbets under the belt) and he was a loony!
Regards
Kevin Nolan (Former Bump Terry Daniher up from King to God Squad)
From: paul russo
From Faction 3366 Dear Simon, a true story
In my only year of playing senior footy 20 years ago in E grade South
Eastern Suburban Churches League : One game our coach gave every player
elastic bands. We were told to wrap it around our fingers. This was
supposed to help remind us the three things he wanted us to do that game
-tackle hard, chase, handball or whatever. If we lost our elastic band
during play we were told to tell the runner and get a replacement. In the
last quarter I was benched, the game was close and I saw our gun(although
somewhat dim) centre half forward waving frantically towards the bench. He
was waving for a while before anyone noticed him. Finally our coach sent
the runner out to find out the problem. He returned and told the coach that
the player's elastic band had broken and should he get another ? The coach
jumped up shaking his head in frustration and yelled across the ground to
the player "Just get a f*#ing kick".
From Paul Russo/John Clements Faction 3366
From: mh@seafordps.vic.edu.au
Simon,
Playing for Heatherton in 'D' grade Ammo's in 1981 we were having a bad trot and the coach, a hard nut nicknamed "Meagre", decided that motivation was lacking so he went for something new, the Rocky theme! Once was okay, but the novelty wore off by the second week and when the cassette player was placed on a table in the middle of the room by the third it was too much. Two players dashed off to a car and returned, surreptitiously replacing the Rocky tape. Nothing was noticed until after the speech and we were lying on our backs, eyes closed in contemplation that 2 motivated forwards ducked off to the toilets. When Meagre hit the play button he turned bright red as strains of "Gilligans Island" blarred out and he let go every swear word he knew in the direction of the toilets. Two sheepish players emerged and eventually things calmed down. We actually won that day, obviously enjoying our footy! But, it cost me the "Hits of Television" tape because coach Meagre had torn it from
the cassette player and hurled it against the wall.
Hassa from Beaumaris
From: David Mcniece
Two offerings from the VFA halcyon days spring to mind. Being the VFA I've
tried to water down the expletives deleted.
1. Raymond Shaw was coaching Preston and I think it may have been against
Coburg at the Cramer Street oval.
The 'Tonners had been travelling well,up to about this Round 12ish duel,
and trailled by about 10 goals at 3/4 time.As the "Spitter" howed into his
players with a triple X rated verbal diatribe,a stalwart trainer excused
his way through the throng carrying a tray of drinks and an ice-cream
container full of freshly cut-up oranges.
As the stalwart diligently placed the drinks and oranges on the ground,
Shaw picked up the drinks tray and tipped them out,and hurled the oranges
out behind him, advising his troops that they didn't fucking deserve the
fucking drinks or the fucking oranges and they were a weak fucking pack of
shielahs etc. etc.
The look on the bewildered stalwart trainers face was priceless and as his
jaw sunk southwards he lamented "I've just spent half an hour getting that
stuff ready and he goes and does that"
2.Phillip Cleary during his three quarter-time speech during his 200th
match fro Coburg. After waxing lyrical about everyone in the teams great
performance for his milestone game exclaimed "And you must admit fellas,
I've played a fan-fucking-tastic game myself". A reverse dummy spit on
Fabulous Phil's behalf
Date: Fri, 09 Aug 2002 15:07:10 +1000
My favourite coach looses it story is from the 1934 grid iron game between
professional teams of the day, the Tigers and the Cubs. Coach of the
Tigers and local racing identity Joe Stacks was reported to have bet
$50,000 on his Tigers to win. On the day before the game three of his key
backs were involved in a drunken car accident and are unable to play,
leaving him to face a certain loss. His girlfriend and gun moll had heard
about three local football stars nicknamed the "Three Horsemen of Boulder
Dam" who played for the University team. She goes into town and through a
series of crazy mix-ups hired the wrong three players to play in the game.
Stacks tells the boys that to protect their amateur status he has organized
the game to be behind closed doors, so no-one will ever know what happened.
It was at the end of the first quarter that Coach Stacks lost it after
seeing his three ring-ins tackle the referee, take out a photographer on
the sideline, score a touchdown for the other side and block one of their
own field goals. He turned to his assistants and was heard to have said
"Why those dirty double crossers, they threw the game on purpose, come on
boys". Where he and his assistants came onto the field with hand guns
drawn and commenced firing into the backsides of the fleeing trio of Curly,
Larry and Mo who stole the ice cream cart while being chased out of the
stadium and exit stage left.
Would coach Stacks have received a "please explain" from the AFL if that
incident have occurred today and would he have received a suspended fine as
it was "under provocation". This was from the 1934 short film, Three
Little Pigskins.
Another favourite
=============
For an sustained "loosing it" I find it hard to go past the Mohel who was
to "coach" everyone through the Bris in this classic Seinfield episode. He
gives Elaine an absolute blast for leaving a glass too close to the edge of
the coffee table.
One I would have like to have seen
============================
The coach of Adelaide who lost to Fitzroy under Bernie Quinlan when they
played in Adelaide.
Fantasy loosing it
=============
Take the Godfrey's vacuum cleaner man back in time to 1971 and have him
tand in as coach for the West Heidelberg YCW Under 16 team and watch him
loose it at quarter time with a huge southerly blowing up Oriel Road across
Ford Park. I'm sure we would have paid that enormous respect.
Regards
John Walker
Date: Fri, 09 Aug 2002 05:30:17 +0000
It was the Grade 5/6 inter-primary school final, being injured(yeah sure) I
was directed to go down the far end of the ground and be goal umpire.
It was a real tight tussle. Being a ground the size of the G it was an
entertaining 3 goals each. My school was 5 points down deep into the last
quarter.
The Ball scrummed it's way down to the goal square from the wing where it
had spent most of it's time for the second half. Nearly all the Players
stood around the ball in a circle, all having wild swings at the football.
All of a sudden a defender decided to concede a point. He kicked it towards
goal, it trickled past foot after foot. But no one could get a leg to it.
Confusion reigned supreme. The coach of my school (also umpire) was at half
forward. I stood there blankly, stunned. "Well" he quizzed.
"I errr... it was a goal " I answered. As I motioned a goal.
Then out of the blue the full back let fly with the greatest barrage of
profanities I have ever heard.
Of course I dobbed, and then my coach started on this kid with the biggest
dressing down about poor sportsmanship and the value of fair play. By the
time he had finished the siren had gone and we had won.
From: KyselaO
Si
One stands out clearly from the rest, albeit unorthodox - the 1997 Institute
of Charetered Accountants round robin footy day, Ernst & Young v KPMG.
E&Y Preparation
KPMG
I was fortunate enough to find myself on a wing in the 1s side. After the
round robin knockouts (3 rounds), the grand final was down to E&Y v KPMG, in
front of at least 3,000 people in Marquees with free quality froth, and also
the losing netballers from their round robin series held down the road
(funny how the best looking accountant chicks always seem to work for the
other firms).
Well it was a procession. E&Y proceeded to destroy KPMG, with myself and my
fellow winger having the confidence to digest a glass of shiraz and a BBQ
prawn at half time, as the fat lady had already unpacked the larynx
suitcase. 8 goals the margin.
No handshakes. Instead, the coach of the KPMGers, an audit partner from
memory who looked like and thought he was Tom Selleck, proceeded to group
his charges into the middle of the park, sit them down, and on front of
3,000 people savagely remind them at some degree of volume of the shame they
had brought on their firm, the profession, their parents, and the elite
alumni.
With shame and failure in total control of his emotions (which takes a
chartered accountant some adjusting), and now aware of an intrigued audience
of 3,000, he unleashed the most reprehensible and vulgar punishment of all
- he made them watch a rival firm of fellow chartered accountants drink free
alcohol and eat free BBQ prawns, and receive the attention of the other
firms' netballers.
Oliver Kysela
From: Sheridan Morrison
Caulfield vs Coburg 1976...
Caulfield coach Tony Jewell became so frustrated with his team's performance in a game against Coburg, he calmly vacated his seat in the coach's box and surprised supporters at the canteen by wandering up and ordering a hot dog and coffee. He was in no rush, sedately standing his turn in a queue until served. The canteen did not have a view of the ground.
Sheridan Morrison.
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
It must have been when I was playing junior football in the under 16's when
our coach through sheer frustration told us at training that he could do
better than us in a training drill that must have been designed by
Pythagoras, as it had so many angles and so many balls going in so many
different directions. He took himself very seriously and let us know his
disgust for our efforts in no uncertain terms. So he took to this form of
Pythagorian circle himself and wanted us to treat him as the opponent so we
would get a feel for the exercise.
Famous last words. When a 30 something, overweight, smoking coach tries to
rediscover his youthful abilities, disaster must follow. He had no idea
what was going on and to add injury to insult (literally) many of us took
great joy in cleaning him up.
Training finished an hour early that night!!!!!!
Peter Treseder
Peter Hopkins
President
Hill End Past Players.
Date: Sat Aug 03, 2002 11:59:43 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Sat Aug 03, 2002 01:45:36 PM Australia/Melbourne
Go Roos ! Premiers '99
From: stuart mcarthur
Brian Smith formerly
When playing the eagles you've still got a chance
If you kick to the man playing on Murray Rance.
Bloody Pissweak!
There was no response.
"I'll tell you" he continued...
" Robbo: 4 kicks; 'Radar' Williams: 4 kicks; Hocking: 3 kicks..."
"Tony Jewel - 1 kick."
As captain coach, he dragged himself to the boundary line and sat out the final quarter on the bench, pulling at his hair... strand by strand.
Date: Tue Aug 06, 2002 06:19:40 PM Australia/Melbourne
From: Lucas
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Date: Wed Aug 07, 2002 04:19:47 PM Australia/Melbourne
Ok....... today I bravely attempt to test your tolerance,with the recent "Marks Brother" incident at Woodville Oval.
Coach, Stephen "Brother of Mark" Williams, receives the Kardinia "in ya face"abuse, SANFL style.
Surely, at the bottom of the Football IQ ladder of intelligent outer sledging.
Instant connection, simultaneous drop-out...... Silence...... then a sudden barrage of expletives.
Date: Thu Aug 08, 2002 01:51:33 PM Australia/Melbourne
Favorite real story: When the used to have the VFA on Channel 10 in the
1970s it was no-holds barred, all-in-brawl-induced 45-minute quarters.
One of my favorite childhood memories is when they put the camera right
in the face of one of the coaches on the boundary line at the precise
moment he happened to yell at the top of his voice: "tell them to kick
the f...... thing down field". There was no time to react and you heard
the whole thing. A classic!
Cheryl Critchley
The game began and I took up my position with all the parents close to the
teams officials. I couldn't believe the way the coach was carrying on. He was
yelling and screaming, thumping his chest, waving his fists, punching and
kicking the ground. This was at the two minute mark of the first quarter. No one had even scored. I said to my mate
"What is your coach on about ?" He replied
"Yeah good isn't it but you've seen nothing yet !"
The quarter continue as did the tirade. To his credit he kept his language in
check. When the siren went the coach gave his clip board to one of the
assistance and walked off to the carpark while he rest of us went out to the huddle. I watched dumbfounded as the coach got into his car.
Out at the huddle the assistance was reading the coach's instructions to the
players. One of the players said he had hurt his leg and would have to come off. The assistant took a two way radio out of his pocket and spoke into it
"You there coach ? Brad has to come off . Do you want Phil to play centre
half forward ?"
All eyes turned to the white commodore in the carpark. After a few seconds the headlights flashed once.
"What about Andy ?" the assistant said. Again everyone turns. A few seconds later the headlights again flashed once.
"We could try Stevo!" This time the headlights flashed twice and everyone cheered. I said to my mate
"What's going on " He replied
"The coach gets so worked up that he doesn't trust himself to speak to the
players so he sends out the assistant. They communicate if they have tovia
the radios.Two flashes for Yes , one flash for No ".
At this I burst out laughing. However the look I got from my mate and other parentsquickly stopped me. As bizarre as this systemappeared, it was working as the team was on top of the ladder.
The second quarter began and coach took up his position. I faked a headache and went home cause everytime I thought about it, I started to
laugh.
Date: Thu Aug 08, 2002 10:51:59 AM Australia/Melbourne
" If you play like sheilas, you might as well look like 'em!!!!"
Wayne is last seen laying his boots into Jack's car in the carpark.
We weren't travelling so well mid-season and he was imploring us to lift our work-rate at training.........
"I used to train so hard I would spew my guts up afterwards" he told us ....."I'd spew at half time and after the game as well......"
Essendon
Date: Thu Aug 08, 2002 05:08:56 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Thu Aug 08, 2002 07:58:37 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Thu Aug 08, 2002 10:23:32 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 12:49:43 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 07:37:31 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 10:44:06 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 11:36:27 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 01:50:55 PM Australia/Melbourne
From: John Walker
From: Travis Bull
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 06:59:08 PM Australia/Melbourne
* Sumbit email to bloke from HR organising the 2 E&Y teams to be entered
listing name, preferred position, and inflated credentials.
* Gather for "training" in Board room on Thursday night, before Sunday's big
day, for pies and beers, and for the release of the teams and hand out of
jumpers.
* Be there at 9:00am at the 3 big ovals across from Princess Park.
* Begin offical training sessions twice a week 6 weeks from the big day
* Interdivisional round robin tournaments held at Victoria Park in order for
the selection committee to select the absolute best side from the population
of China in the KPMG building (and an opportunity for people to introduce
themselves for the first time to others that have worked on the same floor
for 7 years).
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 07:24:04 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 09, 2002 09:16:01 PM Australia/Melbourne