The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Twelve:
Yeah; right!
It's been suggested that Clubs might be fined for making "false" selections.
For this week's competition submit your favourite selection hoax, real or invented.
Date: Sun, 16 Jun 2002 18:11:26 +1000
An open letter to Danny Frawley,
Dear Danny,
Being a long time, long suffereing Tiger supporter who regularly views the
selected team on a Friday morning and asks 'why'?
I think Spud you could do us all a favour at selection and give us a 'hoax
of hope' pick.
Just slot Matty Richardson in the team every week! We don't care at this
stage where he plays...name him at full forward, ruck rover or interchange.
Please just give us 24 hours of hope as we are quite used to being bitterly
disappointed come the weekend and would still think you are 'triffic'
nonetheless!
Oh and by the way we are onto your dummy selection at Tigerland of
Biddiscombe or Hudson anywhere on the field and; expecting Tiger fans to try
and swallow the fact that you think they can make a significant contribution
to the team is a little far fetched!
You'd have more luck if you named Andy Goodwin, Matthew Dundas or Stuart
Edwards. Here is my suggestion for this weeks surprise, throw us all a loop
and put Dale Weightman on the bench for real instead of being the runner as
we have all figured out you are just trying to get his fitness up to scratch
for a 'Plugger' like comeback in 2003!!!
Signed a bitter Tiger
Cheryl Harvey
Date: Sun, 16 Jun 2002 22:33:47 +1000
My first go at this, can't imagine they would start like this.
Backline T Lockett T Barhargar D Wade
Barry Hawkett Moe South
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 00:29:52 +1000
DUMMY SELECTIONS ( FOR THE MEEDYA) By: Andrew John
Channel 9:
George W Bush ( leader of the Free World ) dummy selection for Eddie
McGuire.( leader of the commercial World)
Raymond J Bartholomew; dummy selection for Dennis Commetti
Prof Julieus Sumner-Miller; dummy selection for Dermy
Bill Clinton; dummy selection for Sammy Newman
The Age:
Carl Marx; dummy selection for Rowan Connoly
Lillian Frank; dummy selection for Caroline Wilson
The Herald Sun:
Mr Squiggle; dummy selection for Mike Sheean
3AW:
Mike Williamson; dummy selection for Clinton Grabass
Stan Zumanick; dummy selection for Rex Hunt
Tommy Leighif; dummy selection for The Ferret
Tim Webster; dummy selection for Graham Bond
John Symons (Aussie Home loans); dummy selection for Tony Leonard
Peter Daicos; dummy selection for Peter Daicos ( you can't get any
dumber)
Tattoo from Fantasy Island; dummy selection for Tony Shaw
The Tobin Brothers:
ALL SELECTIONS REMAIN AS IS, DUE TO THE STATE GOVERNMENT
OUTLAWING ALL DUMMY SELECTIONS
The Coodabeens:
The Village People; dummy selection for The Coodabeens
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 12:47:43 +1000
So disallusioned am I that I now don't even bother to turn up anymore. I
already know the result. It's a fait accompli. Its inevitability now goes
without question, comment or complaint (well almost!). It goes something
like this.
You think of nothing else all week, the build-up is tremendous, your work
suffers, the expectation is almost overwhelming. You count down the number
of 'big sleeps' there are to go?.
The big day finally arrives. You double check that you have everything. OK,
Hat, coat, tickets, membership card, money for your shouts at half-time and
afterwards. You have got everything; good, off you go.
You arrive at the designated meeting place to wait for your friends. All
together now, the excitement continues to build. You join the queue for the
members only area. You're in, finally. You find your seat just as the
annnoucements are broadcast. You listen:
The parts of A, B and C will be played by X, Y and Z. You turn to look into
the faces of your friends and the other people in the dress circle and you
just know what everyone is thinking, Dudded again!
Yes it's a return to traditional values as I take up my position as a
traditional 'theatre-goer'.
Michael from Mentone
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 20:50:40 +1000
Hi Simon,
Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 12:52:33 +1000
I reckon if Carlton were
to name Koutafides in
any position for there
forthcoming match with
Brisbane, Leign Matthews
would have cause for
concern.
Best coups for the year;
The match winning
performance of One of
St Kilda's greats, in
their win against
Richmond....Danny
Frawley.
Or maybe the best effort
for West Coast this year,
the performance of a
certain man in white at
Optus last week.
Thanks
Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:33:41 +1000
In line with the AFL split-round, I too, had the bye last week in
regards to my entry.
I'm with you! It's about time club's start getting fined for hoax
selections! It has been occurring for years. Here are a few examples:
Carlton naming David Parkin as Coach of the Blues in his past 2 seasons
as coach, when Wayne Brittain was clearly at the helm;
Collingwood and Sydney should both be fined for naming D. Brereton in
their respective sides, when the last game he actually "played" in was
in the brown and gold;
The Ground Manager at Carrara & Optus Oval should be fined for
over-stating attendances when a crowd figure of 17,000 is posted when 2
men and a dog turn up;
Essendon should be fined for not naming current runner Peter Cransberg
in the side each week, when he clearly spends far more time on-field now
than when he was actually playing for them;
Adelaide Football Club are about to announce Mike Tyson as their new
no.1 ticket-holder to foil Port Adelaide & ensure that they will win
what's now known as "the fifth quarter" down at the Ramsgate after the
next "Adelaide-Derby";
I'll finish with a poem about Essendon's Scott Lucas, who is surely
named as a "hoax-selection" in the forward-line each week by Kevin
Sheedy. After his latest butter-fingered effort last Friday Night
against Hawthorn, when he, not once, not twice, but 4 times missed the
goals by about 30 metres (from 30 metres out), Sheeds surely deserves to
be fined for naming Scott Lucas as a forward-line player....
Ode to Scott...
There once was a footballer named Scott,
A forward-line player he's not.
Sheeds names him in this position,
Purely to mozz the opposition,
But someone forgot to tell Scott!
Cheers,
Shag (the entrant formerly known as Anthony Edmonds)
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 10:41:25 +1000
Hi Guys
Backs: Armstrong Moon Walks (Did he or
didn't he?)
Half Backs: Elvis Presley McDonalds (Often sighted
despite being dead - or is he?)
Centres: Lee Harvey Oswald (The
grassy knoll, The book depository, Magic bullet, etc)
Half Forwards: Harold Holt Floater (Political
myth tinged with Riccardi's recent kick)
Forwards: Fine Cotton Scandal (A most
famous horse racing hoax)
Rucks: Santa Claus Tooth Fairy
Rover: Easter Bunny
Interchange: Sherlock Holmes
Coach: Any director on the One Tel Board
Mark Tracy
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 13:22:13 +1000
This "hoax" is actually a suprise selection revealed at the last minute in
an attempt to turn around the Tigers' ailing season.
FRIDAY NIGHT, AUGUST 16, 2002: RICHMOND V HAWTHORN AT THE MCG.
The Tigers run out onto the ground to the haunting strains of Also Sprach
Zarathustra (2001 A Space Odyssey).
Puzzled Hawk players and fans wonder what the hell is going on when the REAL
King, one Elvis A. Presley, runs onto the ground sporting rhinestone-studded
black and yellow flared footy shorts, 25 YEARS TO THE DAY SINCE HIS "DEATH".
This comeback to end all comebacks would totally throw the oppostion and
even if Elvis couldn't kick a footy he could always break into a rendition
of a sure-fire crowd pleaser like "CC Rider" or "Burning Love".
Let's face it, it couldn't be any less successful than Tony Lockett's
comeback, and would be heaps more entertaining.
Go Tigers,
Cheryl Critchley
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 15:47:34 +1000
Dear Simon, from Faction 3366 and associates- our team of famous Hoaxers
and players who were supposed to be able to play but couldn't.
B: ORSON WELLES( War of the Worlds) PILTDOWN MAN ROSIE RUIZ(Boston
marathon cheat winner)
>From FACTION 3366 (Paul Russo/John Clements)
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 20:46:18 +1000
Dear Simon,
As a Carlton supporter, I would like to see J.H. Christ selected at
Centre Half Forward (divine intervention is our only hope at this
stage).
I'd also like to name T. Hopkins in the Centre and W. Harmes in the
Forward Pocket when Carlton play Collingwood next. If anything could
get the Collywobbles going just before the finals it's the mention of
these two guys. Maybe Richmond could do the same by naming K. Bartlett
on the Wing.
Maree from Brunswick
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 22:18:24 +1000
Simon,
Our favorite hoax selection was the time STG (Sheedy The Genius) named Chris
Daniher when he was half dead at his family home in Ungarie.
Mostly it is fondly remembered for the work of Edna Daniher, who told the
enquiring media that "her boy was too sick to play", and was "home in bed".
Perhaps a note from her would have been better.
Rob Meredith
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 10:29:07 +1000
The great Ruck 'n' Roll swindle has been uncovered...Luke Darcy is
continually selected as a Ruckman when he has obviously been instructed by
Terry Wallace to hold down the Roving reponsibiities for the Bulldogs (just
check his centre clearances and hard-ball-gets stats).
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 10:32:41 +1000
Si
With Hawthorn's forward line bordering on dysfunctional, expect a shock
selection next round. Importantly, the common conditions of selection in
the forward line setup will still apply, ie:
* Must be blonde
HF: Dixon Thompson Inamoto
New: Inamoto (Japan), 187cm, 86kg
Other selection hoaxes likely in the next 4 weeks:
* Geelong select David Mensch in what is a major setback to the youth policy
and 2 year Premiership strategic plan
Oliver Kysela
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 10:55:56 +1000
Backs Late With Drawal
Half Backs Did Knot Kummup
Centres Carey Young Injury
Half Forwards Bitova Niggling Hammy
Forwards Lockett Bruised Calf
Rucks Everitt Falls Inhole
Interchange
B.Holland N.Holland B.Holland B.Hollands (or Dutchy)
Emergencies
Still Cant Getta Game
Coach
Who else but K.Sheedy
Kristian McCausland
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 11:09:16 +1000
Dear Simon,
The word "dummy" has so many definitions: 1. - Unable to speak; 2. - Model
human figure; 3. - "Babe" pacifier; 4. - A stupid person; 5. - A deception,
usually in sport. Therefore, I have put together a team that covers every
type of dummy. Ihave even included under what definition they qualify
should you have any doubts.
B - Richard Lounder (5), Matthew Lloyd (2 & 3 & 5), Steve Malaxos (5)
I was tempted to go with the back line of Strachan, Martello, Dunne, but I
realised that this was no "dummy". Richmond actually took this line-up into
the 1982 Grand Final with the obvious disastrous consequences.
The following team is the ultimate dummy selections as they will not be seen
playing again this year. (note - some poetic license)
B - M Wilson (knee), A Nicholson (knee), D Solomon (knee)
Peter Treseder
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 13:14:30 +1000
I must remember the greatest hoax of all time was when Essendon would always
name the ubiquitous David Flood in their sides,as an in, but come game time,he
was always there at 11.15am kicking the Stuey off the park.
David McNiece
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 14:28:16 +1000
Being an Essendon supporter I found it very difficult to come up with some
sort of selection hoax as Kevin Sheedy has over the years has done it all.
Remember the cloak and dagger selection of Shane Heard playing for
Victoria !
Jack Mihocek Ian "Bluey" Shelton Ron Andrews
Let the carnage begin
cheers
David Bean
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 04:19:34 +0000
In 1995 a hoax was perpetrated against the Richmond Football Club by St
Francis Bourke. He told the club that David could play football. This hoax
ran for 7 years until finally, at the end of the 2001 season, the hoax was
passed on to the North Melbourne Football Club. As you can see, they have
not been so gullible. In the first 11 rounds of this season he has not
played a senior game.
Other notable hoaxes against the RFC include
Andrew Walby
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 05:03:13 +0000
Here are a few surprise and shock selections at a few clubs this week
Carlton: The full Back line have been replaced with inanimate objects. The
Yellow Peril, Hills Hoist & a Garden Gnome have been named for the blues.
Melbourne: The same thing has also happened at Melbourne where a witches hat
will take on the centre half forward position.
St Kilda: The whole team has been replaced by The Northern Knights Under 18
Team.
Western Bulldogs: Have had there coach replaced with Kath and Kim. At 3
quarter time the address would start with "Look at me... Look at me..."
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 16:07:02 +1000
PRESS RELEASE - ELLIOT TO TAKE ON LIONS
"I have enough adrenaline to lift a land cruiser off a baby", said John
Elliot, the President of Carlton, at a Press Conference last night
following the clubs second after-the-siren loss in as many weeks.
Obviously fired up and unable to contain his emotions, Mr Elliot
appeared to be trying to explain why he had decided to name himself in
every position in the team to play the Lions next week at the GABBA.
"P---A---" said Mr Elliot. "If you think I'm gonna sit back and watch my
reputation getting trashed from the hero of premiership purchasing, to
the overlord of the first wooden spoon, then that's just P---A---", Mr
Elliot continued. "If you think I'm gonna sit there and watch without
even sucking on a fag, then that's just P---A---too", said Mr Elliot.
When asked whether he was concerned that the club might get fined for
making false selections, Mr Elliot said the P-word several times and
asked the terrified reporter whether he was in fact calling him a liar.
Carlton selector Steven Kernahan was then asked whether the club was
behind Mr Elliot's bid to play the Lions by himself. "Are YOU gonna stop
him?" replied a terrified Mr Kernahan.
Latest reports are that the Lions, rather than complaining about the
supposedly "false selection", and apparenly terrified of losing at home
to Mr Elliot, have decided to investigate whether in fact, Mr Elliot
would in fact, be permitted, under AFL rules, to play in every position.
However, a terrifed AFL representative was quoted as saying that the AFL
rules did not apply to Mr Elliot, so he could see no reason why not. The
debate continues.
Jane Harris
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 16:22:33 +1000
SHOCK SELECTION: SAINTS PICK CAREY AND LOCKETT
St Kilda Football Club shocked the football world last night by naming
Wayne Carey and Tony Lockett in their side to play the Kangaroos this week.
St Kilda president Rod Butterss announced the mid season signings of the two
champion players. "We have been decimated by injuries and would have been
unable to field a side this week had we not been able to sign Wayne and
Tony." The Saints have again thumbed their nose at the AFL and its
drafting rules by signing Carey and Lockett under the little known
Morwood/Foschini precedent.
When asked for comment last night, Tony Lockett stated "I went to Swans
training last night and nobody was there. I can take a hint. Then Rod rang
me with this fabulous idea to return home. I am delighted to return to
Moorabbin." Coach Grant Thomas said last night "the loss of Barry Hall had
left an enormous hole in the goal sqaure and Tony more than fills that
hole. However I have told Stephen Milne not to get under the packs. We only
have to resolve whether Andrew Thompson will give up the number 4
guernsey."
The whereabouts of Wayne Carey were unknown last night however his
management commented on his behalf. "Wayne is delighted to play again in
season 2002. We are still crossing the t's and dotting the i's but St Kilda
have been fantastic in supplying us with the names of wives and girlfriends
of the playing list. At this stage we do not see a conflict."
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 21:38:14 +1000
We'll have seen everything when................
Adelaide select a team of players named Craig, Shane, Wayne, Kevin and Gary
instead of the poncy ones they seem to come up with ad nauseum- and they all
have short back & sides haircuts- no mullets!;
Collingwood select a team devoid of "absolute champions" who have played less
than ten games;
Essendon actually pick their best 22 and they all play so that Kevin can't say
"Well, _________ , ______, _________, __________, __________ and __________
were missing, so it was a good effort from the rest of them to just be
competitive without winning against a top side."
The Kangaroos pick 22 newly arrived boat people who are totally unfamiliar to
the game, so that Denis has to come up with a different postmatch cliche, other
than to describe player(s) as being "typical of the character at the North
Melbourne Football Club" for the 64 millionth time;
Port Adelaide pick a team of Swedish tennis players who never question umpires
decisions or whinge, and get on with the game regardless of how they're
playing;
Carlton pick a team of kids they've painstakingly and patiently nurtured
through their own juniors all by themselves;
Geelong pick a team of players who are cogniscent of the fact that a game last
for four quarters, each of approximately 30 minutes duration, and that it is
indeed preferable to play the game right out and in its entirety;
Richmond pick a team made up entirely of Australia Post employees- at least
they purport to deliver.
Andrew McKie
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 23:03:59 +1000
Simon
Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 01:32:13 +1000
From: Andrew John ablecleaning@optusnet.com.au
YOU CAN STICK YOUR COMPETITION UP YOUR ARSE! I TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE SOMETHING
CLEARLY WITTY AND I DON'T EVEN GET A MENTION. FUCK YOU ! BLOODY MADONNA , WHAT
CRAP ! I WON'T BOTHER ANY MORE TO WASTE MY COMEDIC TALENT ON GRADE 6 GIGGLERS.
TRIPLE M FOR ME FROM NOW ON. GOD, NOT EVEN A BLOODY MENTION. YOU LOST ME FO
GOOD.
andrewjohn1@mac.com
From: Cheryl Harvey
From: b hawkett
Halfback P Salmon R Loveridge N Goss
Wings M Nolan B Roberts N Balme
Half fwd D Ohallorine T Libratoray R Austin
Full Fwd D Dench K Moore G Southby
Rucks P Callery R Hunt M Burton
Res T Whitten L Matthews D Baldock
M Tuck K Bartlett B Skilton
From: Andrew
From: Fry Michael
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
A great selection on your part. Thanks for making a 4year old girl very
happy! You've ended a run of "When am I going to hear my name on the
radio like mummy and daddy?"
MY FAVOURITE SELECTIONS
Robbert Klomp as player of the match.
Mario Bortolotto on the bench in two winning grand final sides.
(Seriously, Flower and Skilton never even played in a GF and this guy
not only played, he has two premiership medallions.)
Colin Cowdrey for the poms in the Perth test of '74-5 angainst Lillee
and Thommo.
No Collingwood players in the VFL/AFL team of the century.
The Brisbane Bears selecting Carrara as their home ground.
Almost every team's pre-season jumper.
The five iron. (Oldest piece of golfing advice, "When in doubt, hit the
five iron.")
Every "Best of" album ever made.
Last year's grand final replay marathon (when they didn't have a single
Brisbane or Fitzroy match to work with, even though Brisbane was playing
off).
Greg, Sue and (a very media savvy 4 year old) Elizabeth Hoysted.
From: steven watson
Steven Watson
From: shag@alphalink.com.au
From: Mark Tracy
My hoax focus is team based on some famous/infamous hoaxes (or supposed hoaxes)
in recent history
From the backline
From: "Critchley, Cheryl"
From: paul russo
HB: DOUG COX MR. BROWN(Qantas hoaxer) BRIAN PEAKE
C: FINE COTTON ROBBIE WATERHOUSE BOLD PERSONALITY (racing hoaxes)
HF: HELEN DEMIDENKO HITLER DIARIES ERN MALLEY (literary hoaxes)
F: JIM TILBROOK FAIRLIE ARROW GRAHAM CORNES
UMPIRE : BYRON MORENO (the ref from the Italy-S.Korea match)
Paul Russo
From: Maree Critchley
From: Robert Meredith
Still listening over the Internet, well, unless there's an early auction on
nearby.
Footy Banter Team
Sydney Chapter
From: Kevin Hoey
From: KyselaO
* Must be tanned
* Must be willing to participate in the Men of All Seasons calendar
* Must have a proven goal scoring track record at the highest level
* Must be marketable to the club, as well as the nightlcub they are
affiliated with
* Must incite a hysterical female following
* Freemason is installed as the preliminary Cups favourite for 2002
From: Kristian McCausland
From: "Treseder, Peter"
HB - Bruce Doull (1 more through choice than ability), David Bourke (5),
Doug Hawkins (1)
C - Anthony Koutoufides (2 & 5), Shane Crawford (2 & 3), David Beckham (1 &
4)
HF - Mark McClure (4), Ex-number 18 (1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5), Stephan Kernahan
(1)
F - "Percy" Jones (4), Rod Carter (5), Warwick Capper (2 & 4)
R - Paul Callery (5), Big Brother's Marty (2 & 3 & 4), Brian (The Whale)
Roberts (5)
INT. - Graham Cornes (4 & 5), Michael Aish (5), Gary Sidebottom (4), Bruce
Montieth (Capt.) (5)
COACH - Malcolm Blight (5)
HB - G Rigoni (back), B Holland (knee), R Fitzgerald (knee)
C - M Dradicevic (knee), M Voss (osteitis pubis), D Spriggs (knee)
HF - J Snell (ankle), N Holland (hamstring), C Morrison (knee)
F - S Freeborn (colloarbone), C Waterhouse (knee), W Abraham (knee)
R - M Allan (stress fractures), A Koutoufides (knee), N Burke (knee)
INT - A Jones (chest), M Kenny (shoulder), L Webster (knee), P Read (knee)
Coach - R Eade (success)
From: Peter Consolino
Maybe the day St Kilda named IN: E.Misso and he actually played his one and
only game made Sainters fans wish it had of been a phantom trade in the first
place!!!!!!!!
Newport
From: David
However over the past few weeks Essendon has been accused of not being
soft in the backline with Damien Hardwick gone to Port and Dean Solomon
injured. With this in mind and with Essendon being well known for bringing
players back (Watson and Salmon) I have heard that Sheeds is naming the
following half back line to toughen us up for our next game
From: andrew walby
- Steve O'Dwyer
- Jamie Elliott
- Stevan Jackson
- Paul Hudson (11 rounds, one game...they would have got better service out
of Paul Broderick!)
From: Travis Bull
From: Jane Harris
From: Nick & Jo Caley
From: Andrew McKie
From: Sharon
As I participated last week, no formal entry from myself. I am having this half
of the split round off
Big John from Leopold