The Coodabeen Champions Competition

The Coodabeen Champions    Competition

Round Five

This week's competition is about the telly. What will it be like apres Channel Seven?
Will the new Footy Channels go for a younger demographic?
Tell us who will be included in the ALL NEW commentary teams.

Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 12:17:52 +1000 From: Julian Toohey

due to the termination of channel 7's football broadcasting, and the introduction of a three way amalgamation of broadcasters, 9, 10, fox, new commentators have to be found, but this won't happen without channel 7 going out the way they usually do, as at the end of every season, the old chestnuts will be shown, chestnuts such asİchannel 7 signs falling down behind peter landy in the 80's, or malcolm blight shining a torch in his face in 1996 during stkilda vs essendon, and the pig at the scg a few years back.

enough of that, the start of next pre season, a gala will be held at crown palladium, hosted by mcguire, introducing to the football viewing public, the commentry teams who will take us into the !!future of football on television!!

in a light and stage show spectacular, mcguire will introduce, himself, bill brownless (for comic relief) and stats man John Burgess, boundary rider being Larry Emdur, who mirroring the role of positive boundary riders and can get excited over anything.İ possibly changing his name to something more comical such as boundary rider "laz" or "leisure Laz"

representing network 10, the nominees will be tim webster, barry sheen and an envelope with a question mark on it. Naturally the question mark wins, and the audience is held in suspense, to reveal that the duo who hosted "its a knockout", cult program of the 1980's, would be the main commentry team, the name of the hosts escape me, but one was jackie macdonalds sister. these two would specialise in games such as geelong v north, at kp, and in true "its a knockout" style, the attention would be reverted to people dressed up in animal costumes, rather than the game. the mascots would involve themselves in a biffo with pillows, then to be knocked off their pirch, into a swimming pool (Kardinia Park). this would send the crowd into raptures and waving flags.

fox sports commentry team would be lead by none other than david hookes, as is always, he willİUNFAIRLY be allocated games with minimal interest. instead of commentating aİsouth australia, tasmania shield game, he might be given fremantle v adelaide, which will be broadcast at 1:30 am, est. to join david hookes would have to be an ex player .

To finish the night, all the commentry teams will be allocated, special blazers, with their respective network badges on the left breast.

anyhow seeya later

Julian Toohey

Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 14:21:32 +1000 From: Andrew H. McLean

WHERE WILL THEY GO?

Angst is the word that best describes the mood amongst 7's Footy Commentary team. They need not worry unduly as for most the future is bright.

Commetti, Dennis will be joining Channel 9 and Big Darryl Eastlake to share the Iron Man/Woman and Surf Lifesaving commentary. Commetti has displayed his talent in this area by combining these events with football with the now famous "Boabing up and daon laak a coak in the Oshean" comment.

Roberts, Sandy will be going to pay TV to cover Thursday and Friday rounds of USPGA Golf. He is quoted as saying that "I want to spend more time fishing with my good friend Greg Norman who has a lot of free time on the weekends!"

Landy, Peter will be going to SBS as a special comments man and 'boundary rider' for the annual Head of the River event. He will also be taking up a specialist coaching position with Australian Soccer in an attempt to teach players how to "Run around their own body" without actually 'nailing one foot to the pitch!!!'

Wilkinson, Gary although not part of the 'Footy' team will be gobbled up in the ABC advertising department so that he canİcontinue do something useless with "That Bloody Pen!" He is also set to sign a lucrative contract for "Big Kev's - now you've done your dash it's time to do your dunny"....... dunny duck detergent! ad campaign...

McAveney, Bruce is in high demand both here and overseas. The word is that he's headed for Hollywood to take the place of the late Michael Landon of Little House on the Prarie and Touched by an Angel fame. Since Landon's death, Hollywood insiders have been unable to find a suitable "Sooky sooky nah nah, soft as melted ice-cream cry on demand emotional nightmare" to replace the dead star.

Willis, Craig will be joining Ian Turps Turpie in a joint venture involving infomercials for mobile phone sales. This should be a titanic struggle between the two who will be trying desperately to "out-sincere each other"....

Walls, Robert with his razor sharp wit and Fred Bassett looks will be going to the 'Footy Show' to replace Trevor Marmalade behind the bar - Robert reckon's he's "got Marmalade on toast!!!" and from all recent accounts enjoys a few rounds...

Marmalade, Trevor will be off to channel 10's Sports Tonight to replace Tim Webster who is about to embark on a new career as a "Scrabble Commentator" and body double for Michael Landon - yes, I do mean the dead one!!!

Watson, Timmy will stay at 7 but will be moving to Rex Hunt's fishing show where he will be modelled as a perfect specimen of a "stunned mullett" puting his hypnotic vacant stare to good use.

Dermie and Dipper will be replacing Zig and Zag in the Moomba parade and rehearsing for a new nightime radio show called "NUTLINE" Dipper is also in negotiations with the $2.00 shop to head up their new sales campaign where everything in the store will be dicounted to "one ninety-nine!"

I guess thats enough for now.

Great show guys - been listening for years.

Cheers,

Wilco Bill of Bendigo.

Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 16:33:45 +1000 From: Jac & Pete

Channel 9 should recruit Humphrey B. Bear and Sam Newman as next years commentating team. A small box at the top right hand side of the screen should be reserved for the commentation. While the game is in play, Humphrey would mime the action while Sam stands next to him and says 'What's that Humphrey?İ Humphrey's trying to tell us something boys and girls. Someone kicked the football? It was James Hird? And he kicked a goal! Isn't he clever. That's how many goals he's kicked so far?' To which Humphrey, vigourously nodding his head holds up four fingers. (Or one after Sam has mumbled 'you idiot' one too many times!)

Jacquie Kilgour

Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 22:05:29 +1000 From: Gary bourke

The new demographic : the UNISAS : Unlimited Income Still at School will dictate who is to commentate the football. Like now there will be different commentary teams for day and night matches

Night Matches will have Hi 5 Doing the first quarter for those UNISAS who are in Grade 2 or below and go to bed before 8pm

Second and third Quarters will have the COMSTARS ( TV program where 40,000 auditioned and after a vigorous screening ( or screaming) only five remain to call the game

Last quarter will be called by the cast of Charmed and Buffy the Vampire Slayer : just to give the whole process an edge and a touch of the surreal....

Day matches will be called by anyone underthe age of 21 who is up and conscious by 2.pm on a Saturday afternoon after a big night at the local RAVE !!

No Sunday Games to be called : Recovery only occurs on a Sunday

Gary Bourke Rupanyup ( near Horsham)

ps It is great that you're back on 3WM !!

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 09:41:55 +1000 From: "Keane, Gavin"

I think there should be a commentators draft at the end the season. Channel 10 get the first draft choice as they have finished at the bottom of the ratings ladder for the past 15 years, followed by FOX and then channel 9.

You could imagine the pre draft negotiations. Channel 10 offered their first 3 draft choices plus Tim Webster to Nine to try an secure Bruce McAvaney. It is believed that Nine have done a pre draft deal with 7 to secure McAvaney. Channel 9 rejected the deal because of Tim Webster.

The draft would be televised LIVE on TV with all the channel 7 commentators sitting on a make shift grandstand with their agents. What an exciting event this would be.

Draft Choice 1: Channel 10 ..... Robert Dipedeminico - (huge surprise) Channel 10 are looking for a experience boundary rider who cant string 5 words together. They think that he will work well with Tim Webster who they cant get rid of.

Draft Choice 2. Fox..... Sandy Roberts... That wacky commentator will join Bill Collins on Fox to call the footy live..

Draft Choice 3. Channel 9.... Dermott Brereton. Channel 9 have just upgraded there calling facilities to be able to accommodate the egos of Eddie McGuire and Dermott Brereton.

Draft Choice 4: Channel 10... Doug Hawkins... (another Surprise) Channel 10 are looking for an experience special comments man who struggles to speak clearly. They believe it will be an ideal fit with Tim Webster and Dipper..

Draft Choice 5. Fox...Dennis Committee.... Like a cork in the ocean he is going to bob up at fox. He is going to join a star studded team at Fox which will also include Malaxos and Dean Kemp.

Draft Choice 6. Channel 9.... Peter Landy ... This is a huge surprise. Peter has been re called to the big Time. An insider at 9 has told me that they have been so impressed with Troy Wilson from the Eagles that they thought bringing back experienced players was the go.

That concludes the draft. This leaves a group of very disappointed presenters who will have to wait until the mid season draft before they can get a chance. These presenters include, Drew Morphett, Jason Dunstall, and a host of boundary riders.

GAVIN KEANE

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 12:42:19 +1000 From: Glenn

There is absolutely no doubt that both Nine and Ten will be applying elements of their "ratings winning" programs to the football coverage. Football next year will be more about lifestyle and reality, rather than a simple sport. Expect to see the following features and programs:

Changing Teams hosted by Suzie (she looks a little big on the forward line) Wilkes. We take two teams and swap their coaches, and over the course of a weekend they have to restructure the side. But they cannot breach a $250,000 salary cap whenmaking improvements. They will be assisted by football buffs and fashion designers Prue Acton and Morrissey who will be looking to do something along the lines of the Eagles away gerseys.

Ground Force hosted by Logie winner Jamie Durie (is still out). The team will be overhauling grounds all over the country., laying new turf, beautying the wings and building pergolas in the back pocket.

Don Burke will pop by to show us what to do if the back line keeps getting flooded.

AFL House host Shirley Strachan will show us how to build a wall across half back.

Eddie Maguire will host a new show where he talks candidly and openly with future AFL stars, called Who wants to be a Millionaire?

Channel 10's involvement will see the team from "Kick This" giving cameo appearances as goal umpires; where they will offer zanny and exaggerated flag waving and then full against each other giggling and smiling uncontrollably.

During the half time interval Tim Webster will host Name That Play, please, anyone, anyone know who number 7 is on the red and white team.

And as a first in live sports coverage, the entire commentary will be pre recorded.

Sam Newman - That is perthetic
Barry Sheen - Oohh, that's nasty
Bill Woods - That looked like a forward pass
Eddie Maguire - Fair go umpire
Trevor Marmalade - Looks like the goal umpire has just given him the finger
Tim Webster - Who is number 17?
Kim Kilby - Can't wait to see the video of that
Dermott Bereton - I'm just looking six kicks ahead and notice that the
forwards are leading and running back to the goal quare, then leading out
and running back to the goal square

That'll do.

Glenn from Newport

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 13:46:54 +1000 From: Mark Snell

I have decided to put the new look commentary teams into there respective groups for each part of the consortium. Channel 9, Channel 10, and Fox. Channel 7 used "USED" goods, (or bads, depending which way you look at it, or which team you barrack for????), for their broadcasts, I have recognised that the new channels don't really have that much footy experience, or rejects, whoops, retired players, to choose from. So they are going to have to rehash some USED goods.

CHANNEL 9. In the box. GREAME KENNEDY -: Has a very good resume for the job. Has experience coast to coast. (We must acknowledge that it is a national game.) Has experience analysing video, ala funniest home videos. (Hey, have you seen Carlton play????) The only problem is he might be biased towards Adelaide. Remember he knows the Crow call. DREW CAREY -: On exchange. His show was taken off channel 9 so suddenly, and now we know why. He's here for the footy. How else will we get to see him? Would work in very well with Greame and has that little bit extra, the ability to waffle on without knowing what he is talking about. Could also throw in a joke for David Parkin when the game gets boring. Special Comments. GEORGE NEGUS -: Yep, George was just waiting for the footy to come to Channel 9, so he jumped off the ABC and back to 9. He will appeal to the older demographic and will offer some very decisive comments with big descriptive words that will keep the viewers guessing. The right man for a grand final, as he has been to all warzones, except the MCG on that last day in September. His resume also reads pretty impressively for counting down the clock, (ala 60 minutes). Boundary Rider. HUMPHREY B BEAR -: We have boundary riders like Dipper and Douggie, and no-one knows what they're saying, so why not Humphrey? Plus has lots of fans who grew up with him. (A definite gold logie nomination if he can break away from the kids bracket.)

CHANNEL 10 In The Box. BERT NEWTON -: Bert will give up his gig on Good Morning Australia for a much younger and rejuvenated Daryl Somers. He has worked for Channel 9 & Channel 10, so the consortium group really like him. Old moonface would be very handy in a night game, especially if the events of that historic match St Kilda v Essendon at Waverley a few years ago were to happen again. ANNE CHARLESTON (Madge from Neighbours) -: Isn't it interesting that Madge died just after the success of the consortium group? This has conspiracy written all over it. She is only gone from Neighbours for the bigger job of calling the footy with Bert. We all think she's in Ireland right now, doing some pantomimes, but the real story is she's having a close look at the Irish team for the next installment of Gaelic Footy. She doesn't want to play second fiddle to Bert when those battles come around. Special Comments. FAT CAT -: Channel 10 forever stealing other ideas and putting them into another format, absolutely loved the idea of Humphrey being involved with football, but in an attempt to show they are better, they gave Fat Cat the plumb and cushy job of special comments. (NB. this is only to a game where no one really cares, i.e.: West Coast v Fremantle, or Adelaide v Port. I think you catch my drift.) The Boundary Rider. BARRY SHEENE -: The accent will get them all sucked in to listen closely to every word. He has the knack of butting into the call at any moment, (a necessary skill for the boundary rider), and as proven with those stupid Dick Johnson ads, he will take any gig going around, (even behind Fat Cat).

FOXTEL (PAY TV NETWORK). Before I mention these commentators, it's probably worth noting that Fox want the big money, so they will offer the job to anyone who can bring attention to the network. Anyone associated with Fox, will definitely be in the box seat. To get even more money they will launch at the overseas market.

In The Box. MICHAEL J FOX -: Has the key ingredient in his name. Another on exchange. After battling his illness, just wants a small TV role, before going for that big movie role again. FOX MULDER (aka David DUCHOVONY) -: Again it's his name. Another on exchange. Foxtel are taking Aussie footy to the world with these callers. Who else can suck in the American audience, apart from yanks. Will know nothing about the game, but hey, what are commentators for? Will offer good conspiracy theories surrounding the umpires paying only 1 or 2 deliberate out of bounds at the death knock of the game and the occasional upset. Special Comments. Roald DAHL (Author Fantastic Mr Fox) -: Has the key criteria for the job. (Fox). Will see all the moves from the coaches in plenty of advance as he will see the game from the best seat possible, Heaven. Appeals to the poms. His resume impresses with the knack to speak for everyone to understand, especially the kiddies. (Will also get the AFL kids show). Boundary Rider. JAMES PACKER -: Doesn't want to employ anyone else and hand out extra money from the profits, so he gave it to himself. (Will get lessons from close friend Eddie Maguire on TV etticut and personality). Will do some hard yards in the weather, (but mainly games in Brisbane), before booting out Michael J Fox for the head honcho spot. Mark Snell

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 14:39:51 +1000 From: Hayhow G.

Geoff Hayhow

In trying to devise a team for the new era of television presentation I was inspired to collect an ensemble of personalities, which bring to the screen a blend of youth and experience. These artists would fully realise the theatre of football. Further, the new style of programming will acknowledge that football is in fact, a lifestyle choice which must be celebrated. You had suggested new talent but in trying to form a team I must admit that I was destined to align with the age policy that is beginning to be adopted by some AFL teams.

In keeping with the current trend of lifestyle and reality programs I have outlined my suggested programming and presenters for next year.

GAME DAY PROGRAMS
"G'Day Aussie Rules."
Hosted by Bert Newton. Can we get enough of the witty repartee with the floor manager and industry 'in jokes'. Segments of the program will include "Odds On" with Kenny Calendar.
(Always good to have a member of the team with a slight speech impediment.) "Fashions on and off the field."
Kerry-Anne Kennerly surveys the fashions of the crowd and the footballers in the rooms before during and after the game. Compulsory interview with Lillian Frank each week. "What's in the Thermos" with Iain Hewitson.
Always good to see the jolly large man interviewing folks about the food they have brought to the footy.
* Iain to be checking the bags at the turnstiles to reveal the delicacies of the footy fan. Iain cooking up a storm at the top of the Ponsford stand.
* Iain surveying "take-aways" available at different grounds. The good old pie, the baguettes at Colonial, the coffee cart at Optus Oval (all said with chuckle in the voice)
* Iain will come into his own with the South Aussie derby and the BBQ's outside the ground accompanied by magnificent south Aussie wines.
"Perfect Day for Footy" Weather. A call back for Brain Bury.
The first of the truly colourful weather presenters.
"The Boundary Riders". Troy Dann on Horse back!
What stronger image of Australia is there than a rider in a "dryazabone" roaming the boundaries. (Continues the football/horse link begun by Collingwood)
"Blood Rules"
Dr. Peter Larkins with graphic portrayals of treatment from the boundary and the rooms.
"Tribunal Live"
The Tribunal to be televised live with, of course, Judge Judy. Judge Judy will also be called upon to settle all off field disputes eg. Richmond and Western Bulldogs Presidents, Robert Walls and 'Sheeds' etc etc.v "Playing Surface Blitz" with Jamie Durie.
In the first episode Ian Collins ('Collo') is sent away on a holiday weekend returning to find the 'Blitz' team at Colonial Stadium with a magnificent new surface and the ground reshaped so that all patrons can see the ground. Pergolas at each end and water features on the wings. Will they finish on time?
"Footy Stars"
A group of young hopefuls " audition" for a place in an international rules team. Each week players are put through their paces before protagonists are cruelly cut from the squad form chief judge Bernard King. 'Dermy' to host the show and coach the team in an international round robin.
Soapie
Up and coming actors and actresses including Tammin Sursok portray the ups and downs of the everyday lives of young football players as the travel to and from games around the country throughout the season in the true to life drama,
"Home and Away"
"The (commentating) Panel"
With all of the guest presenters to cross to the commentators will need to spend little time on the game itself. This team of professionals are sure to be able to up date on the game and in a quiet period of the game skirt associated vital current affairs.

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 15:51:07 +1000 From: Matthew Zappulla

Please find below my suggestions for the new footy line ups on Nine, Ten and Foxtel "aprËs Seven". I have added in the criteria that all potential commentators must have a pre-existing connection with the network in question.

NINE

Host: Eddie McGuire - Futile coming up with any other suggestions. In fact the ideal commentary line up on Nine would be Eddie as host, Eddie as commentator, Eddie as special comments man and (you guessed it) Eddie on the boundary as well.

Commentator: 'Big' Darryl Eastlake - Any bloke who can make Rugby League sound interesting gets my vote. Bonus points for getting chucked out of the Weightlifting venue at the 1990 Auckland Commonwealth Games for being too loud.

Special Comments: Ray Martin - Currently not doing much so make him earn his hig fat salary. This will also lift ratings in NSW and capture Nine's traditional over 55 demographic who miss Ray on Midday.

Boundary Rider: Catroina Rowntree - Jack of all trades guaranteed to boost the male audience, particularly if her trend of wearing bikini tops continues (although one wonders how that would go on a cold day down at Kardinia Park). Catroina could also claim to know about as much about football as Seven's current boundary riders!

PS. Nine could also poach Dennis Commetti, Gerard Healy, Anthony Hudson and other Channel Seven stalwarts - but instead of having them commentate each week, they could work on 'special projects' ala Jo Pearson, Terry Willisee, Kerry-Ann Kennerly, Derryn Hinch, etc.

TEN

Host: Phil Gibbs - As everyone else will no doubt say Tim Webster, I'm going to take a trip back to the good old days of Channel 0's coverage of the VFA on Sunday. As an added Bonus maybe Channel 10 could move games back to the Junction Oval and guarantee an all-in brawl to halt play in the 2nd quarter. Phil Cleary could jump the fence and join in, only to be sent off by the umpires.

Commentator: Marie-Louise Thiele - When she was first promoted as Melbourne's Channel 10 newsreader she was "Melbourne's Choice" so she must be very popular. She will appeal to those in the Northern States as she is currently Brisbane's news anchor. Finally, as we know from the commercial break tirades she's dished out to her husband, she won't be afraid to let her opinions be known!

Special Comments: Ron Barrassi - Besides being a legend of the game and the classic special comments man, Ron can also bring back new episodes of "Almost Anything Goes".

Boundary Rider: Marty Monster - The ex-Early Bird Show character will bring in the viewers from the cherished 19 - 35 demographic who grew up watching Daryl Cotton, Anne Maree, Marty & Fritz from the Monbulk Animal Kingdom on Saturday Mornings. In addition he will be just as difficult to understand and hairy as Channel 7's current chief boundary rider.

PS. In line with the tradition that all AFL broadcasters must also launch a "football variety show" like 'The Footy Show' or 'The Game' when they take up the rights, Channel Ten could also produce "AFL Big Brother".

Just think of this ratings bonanza - Cameras and Production crews are installed throughout AFL House and the 16 AFL Presidents and the AFL Commission are locked into the board room. See how the various relationships and alliances and back hand deals form between the various parties. For example: 'Eddie of Broadmeadows' can strike up agreements with 'Graeme from Toorak' about catering rights; Joe from Caulfield and Wayne from Docklands can have a big stoush; Jack from Carlton offends everyone. At the end the presidents nominate which commissioners they want to ged rid of - ala Terry O'Connor.

FOXTEL

Host: Gordon Brae - What better way to capture Foxtel's current subscribers that put "The voice of Rugby" in front of Foxtel's coverage.

Commentator: David Hookes - David has shown with his commentary on Foxtel's cricket coverage & 3AW's "Sports Today" an uncanny ability to make outlandish statements, drum up irrelevant statistics and voice opinions that no one cares about. Most importantly he's never played the game. Just what you need to be an AFL Commentator.

Special Comments: Steve Carfino - Everyone complains about how footy is becoming more and more like Basketball with zones and D-fence and screens, etc. Steve's expert commentary should therefore be most insightful and relevant.

Boundary Rider: Andy Pascalides - Andy will appeal to the ethnic market and can also provide commentary when the game eventually goes international. Plus he continues the tradition of boundary riders who have ridulous moustaches.

Love the show! All the best.

Regards

Matthew Zappulla

Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 22:33:29 +1000 From: Leane Leggo

2002 represents the perfect opportunity for AFL commentary to come of age. No more shall we be subject to Seven's radio style commentary where subtletyİis a curse and verbosity,hyperbole and stating the bleeding obvious are de rigeur.

I suggestİNine should hire that doyen of English soccer commentary Martin Tyler. A master of understatement, Martin could say in 10 words what would take McAveney 100 words and 2 puffs on the Ventolin inhaler. A typical passage of play would go like this:

Rehn.... Crawford.... Holland....Crawford....Dixon...OOOH WHAT A GOAL! -cue Dixon to a) pull jersey over head and pretend to be an aeroplane or b) dive onto ground and wait for team cuddle.

Channel Ten, being the slightly more hysterical network should consider drafting any Argentinian soccer commentator. A typical passage of play would go like this:

The enormous Rehn taps to the wonderful Crawford who passes to the adonis Holland back to Crawford oh isn't he magnificent over to the heavenly Dixon and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

This would also give Ten the chance to put a 3 minute block of ads between goals.

From Geoff Leggo, Upwey.

Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 10:45:42 +1000 From: Jeffrey Ferguson

There is only one possible answer to the selection of a new commentary team for AFL in 2002. Given Channel Square root of 100 will do most of the footy, the commentary can only be done by:

BERT NEWTON !!!

You get that great logies feelgood and the half time entertainment bought to you by the Big Kev dancers.The scoreboard would beİsponsored by a ladys' leg shaver! The boundary rider would be Rove (get it?!) McManus. The round the grounds comments would be by the Good News Week team and all crowd noises would be courtesy of Daryl Eastlake (token Channel Three Squared contributor).

Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 16:15:08 +1000 From: Adrian Jackson

Channel 10's new football panel, The Footy Panel.

Tommy G : Welcome to The Panel, and may I say, what a big week it's been in football.İ [Pauses, raises eyebrows, shrugs shoulders, turns to his co-panellists]Has it ? I wouldn't know. Anyway, that's what they told me to say.

Santo : Can I just point out, again, that it isn't really football we're talking about ? You can go anywhere in the world and talk about football, and they'll assume you're discussing soccer. It's the world game. Most of them haven't even heard of Australian Rules.

Glenn : Are we talking about Sydney now ?

Rob : AAAAAH, HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!

Tom : Thanks Santo, but I think we pretty much covered that last week, and we agreed that for the sake of keeping the show on air, we'd go with 'footy' being taken to mean Aussie Rules.

Kate : Well I don't understand WHY they call it Aussie Rules. I mean, I actually went to at that game last week, between the Bombers and the Puppy Dogs, and I didn't understand WHAT was going on. I mean, are there any rules, yeah ? If there were, couldn't they print them in the little magazine thingy they give out outside the gate ?

Santo : Well, in fact.....

Rob : Puppy Dogs ????? AAAAAH HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!

Tom : I'm afraid we'll have to leave it thereİ Coming up after the break, Iain Hewitson discusses a few kitchen hints for today's AFL footballer ; Bert Newton goes down memory lane at the Brunswick Street Oval ; and Tim Webster joins us for all the latest news, if you can believe that !

Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 14:39:53 +1000 From: Peter O'Sullivan

Hello Coodabeens,

Imaging if this was theİApres Seven Commentary Team

Senior Commentator Jeff Tracy - Founder of International Rescue

Match Day Commentary Team Scott Tracy -İThunderbird 1 Pilot Virgil Tracy - Thunderbird 2 Pilot

Special Comments / Statistics Hiram J Hackenbacker - a.k.a. Brains

Boundary Riders Alan Tracy - Co-Pilot Thunderbird 3 John Tracy - Co-Pilot Thunderbird 3

Change Rooms / Tribunal Hearings / Training Gordon Tracy - Thunderbird 4 Pilot

Interstate Commentary Team Lady Penelope and Parker

Kind Regards

Peter O'Sullivan

Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 22:30:08 +1000 From: Paul McAloon

Television 2002

Obviously, with 45 years experience behind them the Seven Network were doing something right, so the 2002 Network will try and copy a few of their programming formats.

As the football will be over three days, they will need a host for each day, and will go for well known faces, so here are the nominations.

Friday Night^×Host Jim Waley - Nine Network Credible, Friendly, but no knowledge of AFL.

Saturday--- Kent Brockman (news anchor from The Simpsons) Ten Network. Famous, somewhat animated , but no knowledge of AFL.

Sunday --- Tim Webster. Sports Tonight .10 Network. None of the above.

As well, they will have ²Mark of the DayŒ, hosted by Paul Hogan. They will show some very ordinary marks, then move onto the better marks, then ²HogesŒ, with footy in hand, will say, ²That³s not a mark!!!, THIS IS A MARK!!Œ at which, at that time, they will feature ²Mark of the DayŒ.

Also they will have ²on the spotŒ reporters in all major cities and will no doubt make the most of the talent they already have. Example, in SYDNEY they will have Daryl Eastlake to report on AFL, and rumour has it, that in the A.C.T., it will be ²Peter Harvey , Canberra. The World of Sport Footy Panel, will revert to Wednesday Night, so to update on all the suspensions handed out in the last few nights at the Tribunal. They will simply use the existing 9.30 pm timeslot on the Ten Network called, ²The PANELŒ.

A new segment is mooted, which will involve a much neglected part of footy, ²The ClangersŒ. It will highlight the ²red faces³ of plays from the previous week and host, Red Symonds, will judge the winner each week. He will be helped out by a three man panel of reserve players who are itching to ²bagŒ one of their teammates so they can take their place next week.

Also rumoured to be coming out of retirement is Graham Kennedy and Ken Sutcliffe for a ²wacky, funsterŒ look at our great game. Their mission will be to ²convertŒ the more northern states to our game of Aussie Rules and define the delicate differences between the codes. Can³t wait to see how they explain how we gesture our scoring, with ²one fingerŒ for a behind and ²two fingersŒ for a goal. It may be hard to tell the difference really.

And finally, the opening scene each week will be a remake of that famous ²ave a good weekendŒ advertisment some years back. It will feature Kerry Packer packing the polo gear away, then putting on his Collingwood scarf nd beanie, clutching the ^²Footy RecordŒ and holding a hand full of ^²TIPSTARŒ tickets. A young lad will be sitting beside him, looking up in awe, much like a young Jimmy Plunkett did all those years ago to Max Walker. When Kerry is ready to go into a weekend of wall to wall footy television, the young boy will hand him the ²Nine/Ten/Foxtel/Whatever Footy Guid^Œand say
²Have a good weekend, Mr PACKERŒ. That young lad will be none other than their prize recruit from a rival network
Anthony Hudson

KEVIN McALOON

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 00:26:30 +1000 From: Loggy

I have been thinking about this long and hard and my mind keeps going back to certain themes, some bordering on Pythonesque. I struggle with the younger demographic commentary models but the following is what i thought of:

Channel Nine. Hey Hey it's Saturday Night Football.

Hosted by "the original commentator / compare", Peter McKenna. Special comments by Oswald Q Ostrich. I have heard a rumor that a young up and coming commentator, a one Daryl Somers may be bidding for Pete's job, that is if Peter's performance does not pick up. Boundry rider is Jackie "Dippy" McDonald.

Channel Ten. Perfect Football Match. A new type of game whereby one team selects their oponent for the night by manner of the captain of that said team asking a series of three questions to three other annonymous opposing team's captains. The team selected as the most compatible gets to play. Just imagine the block buster potential of this one, Essendon, v Collingwood or Carlton or perhaps Richmond.İ Potential for a full house everytime as the fans from all the clubs rock up just in case their team makes it through.

Main commentator, Greg Evans. Special comments (albeit short but sweet), Debbie Newsom Stats, Dexter.

Cheers

Stephen Atherton

Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 10:10:22 +1000 From: MikeH

Mike Honeychurch WINNER

------------------------------ Footy on Network Ten

Hello everyone welcome to AFL live here on network Ten, I'm Rove McManus. Today we begin our coverage of the 2002 AFL football season with live coverage of todays big clash between the Richmond tigers and the Collingwood magpies here at the famous MCG. Before we take you down to the big clash which is due to kick off soon lets here a bit about how network Ten will be covering the aussie rules this year from our director of sport, Mr Sport himself, Tim Webster, over to you Tim...

Mr Sport, Tim Webster: Thanks Rove and welcome everyone to Network Tens coverage of Aussie rules football. We plan to be very innovative this season in the way we cover the aussie rules and each week before the start of our live telecast we'll be having some spots outlining the games rules and the key players to watch for those viewers from the northern states. Even though we are a Sydney based media outlet we'll be doing our utmost to cover the melbourne game of aussie rules. I'll throw it back to you now Rove, I guess the crowd must be building up.

Rove: Thats right Tim, looks like we should reach capacity. Before we take you to some live action lets introduce some channel ten celebrity tipsters with their thoughts on todays big game. In our sydney studio we have neighbours star and one of network tens logie winners Tammin Sursok. Well Tammin İhow long have you been an aussie rules fan and who do you support.

Tammin Sursok: Hi Rove, well even though I've always lived in sydney I've always been an avid follower of aussie rules.

Rove: Who do you barrack for?

Tammin Sursok: Norths, the northern suburbs kangaroos.

Rove: And your favourite player

Tammin Sursok: Well to be honest I don't know that many of the players names but the floor manager is from melbourne and he has just whispered that number 18 goes okay.

Rove: Well thanks for that and remember you can catch Tammin on Neighbours each weeknight on Ten. Now we've had some correspondence from viewers complaining that they never know when NYPD Blue is going to be shown. Apparently we keep chopping and changing the scheduling. Well later on in the program we have a special surprise when none other than Andy Sippowiz himself, Dennis Franz, joins us as a special guest celebrity tipster. Stay tuned for that and after the break we'll join all the live action here on AFL game day, don't go away...

[5 minutes of mindless station promos and stupid teen ads]

Rove: Welcome back to network Tens live coverage of the big clash between the Richmond Tigers and the Collingwood Magpies. Before we join the live action lets go down to our roving reporter Bill Woods who has spotted a celebrity out there in the crowd.

bw: Thats right Rove sitting with me here enjoying the rugged opening to todays big clash between the Tigers and the Magpies is well know skateboarding champion Robby Watson. Billy welcome to Network Tens LIVE coverage of aussie rules. Who are you supporting today.

rw: Thanks Bill. Well I don't really follow the game. I'm a cronulla sharks supporter but I've come here today to relax a bit in preparation for the big skateboard championship which begins here in melbourne tomorrow which of course will be covered live on Ten.

bw: Tell us a bit about that Robby...

[interview continues for 8 minutes]

bw: Well good luck Robby and as we look behind us here the game seems to have got going at a frenetic pace but it looks like a bit of a scrum is developing down here in front of us. Back to you Rove.

Rove: Thanks Bill, and as you heard the game has kicked off. We'll take you to all the live action right after these messages.

[5 minutes on mindless channel Ten self promotion and stupid teen ads]

Rove: Welcome back to network Tens live coverage of aussie rules. Today we've got the big clash between two AFL heavyweights the richmond tigers and the collingwood magpies. Don't forget to stick with Ten after the footy as we take you to the monster truck racing but as the siren sounds lets go and join our commentary team for their thoughts on the first quarter.

...looks like we're having some sound problems. Lets take a break and when we come back we'll hear from some more celebrity tipsters plus we'll show you all the live action here from the MCG.

[this continues for another 2 quarters]

Rove: welcome back again. The game is underway but before we join the live action lets meet one of the stars of the network Ten show NYPD Blue. You know him as Andy Sippowiz, we know him here as Mr Dennis Franz, Dennis welcome to Tens live coverage of Aussie rules.

DF: Its great to be here.

Rove: Dennis what brings you to Australia?

DF: I'm here to promote a new telemovie that I'm starring in that will be shown on your network later this year.

Rove: Thats fantastic [5 minutes of conversation passes]. Now Dennis we can't let you go without getting your tip for todays big clash here on Tens live Aussie rules. So before we join all the live action who are you going for today?

DF: The Tigers, the Richmond Tigers.

Rove: and why is that?

DF: Well there is only ten minutes to go and they are 67 points in front.

Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 05:09:36 From: Damien Joyce

Commentary Teams for 2002

Friday Night;Channel Nine Game

Collingwood v Carlton at the Crown "Collo"seum (aka Docklands) Comm Team; *Host and Caller; Eddie McGuire, who only calls the play when Carlton are in possession in order to have no conflict of interest, excusing himself from the box whenever the Pies have the ball. This is not because he is the Pres, but because he also recently took on the Collingwood coaching post, however in his hard hitting column in Saturdays little paper he says he can handle this added responsibility, as it's "just another hat to juggle".

*Co-Caller Dennis Walter, has a good voice and loyal AW following. Gives him the chance to flog his CD's, much in the same way as Grieggy shoves those "Limited Edition" prints down our throats.

*Analysis; Brian Naylor, GTV 9 have made no secret that they want the Friday night games due to the huge ratings, well no one pulled in the ratings like Brian did. Once more we can say that time honoured saying "I know everything I need to know about the Bulldogs midfield rotation because Brian told me so"

*Light Humour Raymond.J.Bartholo..., that guy who read the bloody poems on Hey,Hey. Or if not him, Wilbur Wilde. This is a giveaway as to the target demographic, as Nine continues to woo the blue rinse brigade with their gentle brand of entertainment.

Boundary Rider Charles "Chuckles" Wooley -he loves the camera and the camera loves him. Will add key blokeyness factor to the coverage, as well as some ticker. Like Dipper, makes us laugh for all of the wrong reasons.

Sat Night, Channel Ten Match, Fremantle v Adelaide at Subi *Host: Tem Wibster The jokes have all been done about Timmy. The real joke is that he is likely to front the Channel Ten coverage. You don't hear me laughing though.

*Co-Caller Toadie from "Neighbours" Smart, articulate, young, funny, socially aware and savvy. And 16-25, Channel Ten in a nutshell.

*Analysis Max Walker In a huge coup Channel 10 will recruit someone over 25 in order to gain some credibility, but keeping in mind they must appeal to the youngsters. Big Maxy gets a big tick for both pre-requisites.

*Humour Tim Bailey -you could see this joke coming couldn't you. This man is just so, "zany".

Boundary Rider Mike Larkan-Dipper sans the Mo.

Love your show, but miss it due to NOBs (North Old Boys) magoos committments(Some players prepare for a match by listening to music on their walkman/CD players, I walk around with the trannie close to the ear listening to the Coodabeens.

Cheers

Damien Joyce

P.S All roads lead to the old Brunswick VFA ground this week as the NOB's host nemisis Old Paradians. Be there.

Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 15:55:00 +1000 From: Adam Ellerton

Hi Coodabeens,

Here are my line up's for next season.

Channel Ten

Commentators : Darrell Cotton and Marty Monster - The best double act Ten has ever had. Special Comments : Belvedere aka Robbie Mascara from Good Morning Australia. After every goal Belvedere will say one of his limericks like

Lloyd has just put it through For him that's goal number two The ump gave him a free kick The pie's fans went sick And told him what he could go do.

Boundary Rider : Johnny Letts on Banjo - He would go well by asking Mick Malthouse after the game questions like why Anthony Rocca couldn't stay the two miles.

Channel 9

Commentator : Eddie Mcguire - The best commentator nine has ever had Co Commentator : Eddie Mcguire - The best co commentator nine has ever had Special Comments : Eddie Mcguire - The best special comments man nine has ever had Boundary Rider : Eddie Mcguire - The best boundary rider nine has ever had but since he's in the commentary box the second pick is Don Burke - he could fertilize the turf at Colonial while doing a report plus he's use to being on tv on a Friday night.

Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 17:43:12 +1000 From: Geoffrey Keith Hillis

The word on the street is that channels nine and ten have both followed the formula that they have found successful in achieving ratings success (well not really in ten's case). So here you have it football commentary teams circa 2002.

Friday night footy on Nine --> Don Burkeispencilled in as host butİnegotiations are currently stalled.Word has it that he wanted to do a Backyard Blitz episode with Jamie Durie at Docklands one weekend. They were all set to send Collo on holidays for a luxury weekend to the MCG and install garden features and abundant native flora to the ground but Nine feel that a half time segment featuring theİgardens of AFLplayers wouldİgo down better with AFL hierarchy.

Saturday arvo football on Ten -->Ten is bringing out the big guns on Saturday arvo' with the telecast hosted by Harold Bishop. Also with him in the booth are commentators Madge and Mrs. Mangel. Expert comments are courtesy ofToadie and the boundary rider is none other than Bouncer (he's a newshound - boom boom).

Saturday night footy on Nine --> A sure fire ratings success isİSaturday night footyİnetworkİNine style. Called 'Hey Hey it's Saturday night Football' and anchored by Daryl Somers callers will be none other than Russell Gilbert and Wilbur Wilde. Also featuring expert comments from Dickie Knee, the boundary riding role will be shared by Ossie Ostrich and Jackie MacDonald. Half-time on a Saturday night is no longer keep on punchin' with Scottie Palmer but instead it is Red Symons and his gong for theİAFL flavoured Red Faces (AFL players get out there and make complete morons of themselves in front of almost a million odd people).

Sunday arvo' footy on Ten --> After the ratings failure of Big Brother network executives wreak their revenge and haveİall 12 contestants locked in a commentary booth every Sunday arvo' to call games Fremantle vs.. Port Adelaide and Adelaide vs.. Brisbane matches.

Sunday arvo' footy on Nine --> After shuffling off the insignificant 'derbies' and 'showdowns' to Ten, Nine is left with the 'big' Sunday games (I use thatİterm very loosely!!) to schedule.İNine is actually flying out Ricky Martin for this one although it is actually the words of Dennis 'cork in the ocean' Cometti with Ricky lip-synching following the critical acclaim of his Logiesİ'singing'. With him in the box are the gang from Hi-Five to capture that pre-pubescent market, a market that is integral to the financial well-being of all the struggling clubs.

There you have it lads - footy circa 2002.

Roo Bloke (Andrew Wright)

Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 17:10:06 +1000 From: Tim Goddard

Hey ho Cooders oh,

The commentators, who cares, they're all dills who have never played or dills who have played and go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it. Some even write about it. Where will it end?

What excites me, though, are the extracurricular. What are the odd on the following getting a run?

- a 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire Football Special' with no player reaching the $1000 safety point. You could imagine Eddie coaching Bucks along to guess the right answers to an easy question like why are goats so hard to draw?

- The Ray Martin one-on-one specials with fascinating and hilarious banter with the cream of football, including Mick Malthouse, Damien Drum, Mark Williams ans the effervescent Gary Ayres.

- With Channel Ten getting involved, shows like the Panel may have the 'Plays of the Day' showing footballing spoofs set to daggy background music with (hopefully) the Graham and the Colonel providing the commentary.

- My highlight will be seeing 'Late night, sports tonight Tim' asking Barry Malthouse his thought on why the Eagles lost to Collingwood. That'd be a belter.

The next five years should be grouse.

Keep pushing 'em back.

Go the Cats, go the Seagulls.

Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 19:02:15 +1000 From: KyselaO

Simon I see the 9 and 10 coverage teams panning out as follows, with a sensible allocation of duties amongst a credible team not driven by egos: Channel 9 Channel 10 Host/Presenter: Edward Maguire Steven "Burst" Quartermain Lead Commentator: Edward Maguire Steven "Burst" Quartermain Co-Commentator: Edward Maguire Steven "Burst" Quartermain Special Comments: Edward Maguire Steven "Burst" Quartermain Half Time Summary (non-Colonial games): Edward Maguire Steven "Burst" Quartermain Half-Time Lifestyle Special (Colonial games): AFL Backyard Blitz Steven "Burst" Quartermain Explanation as to why Lifestyle meets AFL in the Channel 9 approach: At half-time at Colonial games under the watchful eye of Collo, Channel 9 will see: *Nige head out with his fluro spray paint can and ensure the 50m arcs, boundary lines and squares are glistening a blinding pink after the mess left by the previous night's Storm game *Scotty Cam, in the sleeveless Bulldogs strip, will be up on the roof with the rivet gun fixing the leeks, loose panels and the motor *Jamie and Jodie will resurface the grass, with the horticultural map of Australia on screen indicating the grass thriving in the remote west of South Australia, but not in the unusual climactic conditions in the stadium. And don't discount the regulation Backyard Blitz "water feature", cascading over the respective team's dugouts under the spotlights. Oliver Kysela

Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 21:42:17 +1000 From: Doug Long

DEAR SIMON,

Lets kill off impartiality and subtlety. 5AA and 6PR have set the standard and, to ensure this grand tradition is upheld, we need the PRESIDENTS OF THE OPPOSING SIDES SITTING SIDE BY SIDE IN THE COMMENTARY BOX TO CALL THE GAMES.

Just imagine the ratings had "ALL THE PRESIDENT MEN" called the games so far this year. Eg: Bulldogs vs Richmond, Collingwood vs Essendon, CARLTON vs ANYBODY! And to make matters just a tad more interesting, they need to be granted PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE for all the comments made during the game.

Also, one big fear expressed by many diehard footy fans is that EDDIE McGUIRE may fade into obscurity under the new broadcasting regime. My plan would prevent that occurring. Eddie could be afforded the opportunity to promote some quirky little innovation his network will introduce for game days next year. He could be GIVEN AN HOUR before his first broadcast to BRIEFLY PROMOTE THE INNOVATION; then ANOTHER HOUR before his second broadcast; and SO ON, RIGHT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.

Doug Long

Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 23:38:10 +1000 From: Graham Harkom

The Future of football broadcasting

Channel 9: The commentary pool will consist of members of The 60 Minutes team - for an in depth look at the game - and High Five - to corner the youngster market. The winner of the latest series of Survivor will be the boundary rider and Humphrey B Bear will provide special comments.

Channel 10: To counter the imbalance of not enough women in football, Channel 10 has decided to fill the commentary box with the panel of Beauty and the Beast. Special comments will be by the winner of Big Brother.

Foxtel: Commentary team will comprise of a number of experts that have played the game and are already experienced in commentating football games. The fact that their code of football was Rugby League will only make things more interesting. Boundary rider will be John Hopoate, who is more than qualified to test the firmness of the playing surface.or any unfortunate soul who gets in his way for that matter.

The International Rules series will be broadcast on SBS. The sole commentator will be Les Murray.

The State of Origin series will be revamped and scaled down, played at Whitten Oval or any ground in the Diamond Valley League. Coverage will be brought to you by Channel 31.

Graham Harkom

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 10:36:11 +1000 From: "Treseder, Peter"

Simon,

The commentary team for the 2002 season has endless possibilities so here are just a few suggestions.

1. Darryl Eastlake, so when the famous line "I am having a heart attack" is uttered, it can be true.

2. Dennis Tito, because his trip to space proves you don't need to know anything about what you are doing as long as the price is right. $40 million a year would help recoup the initial outlay of $500 million.

3. Fat Cat and Humphrey B Bear, for any games involving the bottom four teams of the competition plaing each other, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

And finally Ben Maloney as a special comments man, because if anyone can survive 36 days in the rugged Tasmanian outback they should be able to survive playing second fiddle to the vast field of commentator show ponies (this could be a bit harsh) and their egos.

Peter "Trash" Treseder

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 10:39:52 +1000 From: "Liddicoat, Gregory A"

"ALLIANCE ANNOUNCES NEW COMMENTARY TEAM"

(Herald Sun article on a slow news day)

The alliance has today announced it's much anticipated new football commentary team. Mr Eddie McGuire (Alliance president) stated that they have aimed to appeal to a more diverse audience hoping to capitalise on previously untapped markets. Mr McGuire also confirmed, as per Mike Sheehan's article of last week entitled "Seven loses strongest link", that Cornelia Francis has defected to the alliance. Mr McGuire has justified the selections as follows:

The A Team:

Current: Bruce McAvaney Replacement: Tony Barber & Robert Gottliebsen Justification: As no one person could replace Bruce a tag team would be required. Tony is to provide the enthusiasm and maintain the appeal to the mature age audience whilst Robert will provide constant interruption with stats and other useless information.

Current: Ian Robertson Replacement: Tim Webster Justification: The token channel 10 commentator. Contractual arrangement states that Tim has permission to call players by their number, rather than name, if in doubt.

Current: Dermott Brereton Replacement: Sgt Peter Cosgrove Justification: To provide valuable insight into coach's tactics so as to maintain the perception to supporters that the game is more complex than it actually is. Ratings to be gained from untapped East Timor market.

Current: Robert Dipper (Boundary) Replacement: Gabriel Gatte' Justification: To maintain the international flavour and gain access to previously untapped French market.

The B Team: (Purely used for Fremantle Docker Games)

Current: Anthony Hudson Replacement: Hi Five Justification: To provide access to the previously untapped under 5 year old market.

Current: Doug Hawkins Replacement: Fiona McDonald Justification: To maintain the unneccessary laughter factor.

Current: John Platten Replacement: Humphrey B Bear Justification: Every supporter's ideal pick for special comments - no comment.

Current: Neil Curley (Boundary) Replacement: Cornelia Francis Justification: As a player is interchanged, the commentary team must cross to Cornelia who instructs dragged player that they are the weakest link, GOODBYE.

Greg East Keilor

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 15:39:11 +1000 From: Andrew Robertson

Dear Coodabeens. My A team for footy next year is based on the following guidelines.
1. They have been involoved with the appropraite network..
2. Get the kiddies re-involved into footy.
3. Have experience with TV.
4. Have little or no knowledge of footy..
Hence my selection..
Host Ossie Ostrich. Works the cameras beautifully, has some hosting experience, can be contoversial and will not blink once a camera is thrust before him..
Co Commentator. Marty Monster. Sure he's been off the scene for some time but has to be admired for his controlled controversy along with creativity and gruffness. Would balance the calm and collected Ossie beautifully..
Tactical Comments. Mr Squiggle. What better way to demonstrate moves, positions, tactics and plans than using the doyen of diagrams and cryptic illustrations. See's game strategy in a refreshing yet dynamic light. A huge plus for the A team..
Boundary Rider. Humphrey B Bear. Will prove for once and all that you don't have to speak to give constructive boundary comments. Seven has proved non verbal animation has worked....so why change things? Go Tiges

Andy Robertson, Ballarat.

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 16:25:36 +1000 From: "Salton, Jeff"

When 9 et al take over footy next, I'm advocating a clean sweep of the commentators (except for Wallsy - see below) -no offence Tony, we all know this is only 'make believe'.

Main Commentary Team (to be rotated across all channels) Demir Dokic: appeals to the ethnic following Aussie Rules has attracted. Demir's not afraid to pull punches - he'll tell us what's really wrong with the game - and the fish served at Colonial) Jeff Kennett:İget Jeff back! Appeals to the white collar footy fan and also, in his role fighting depression, he could have some kind words to say about your team if they're getflogged The guy from the Godfrey's ads: appeals to the female viewer - a nice bloke, well groomed, and if the footy gets boring he can always do that trick with the bowling ball

Boundary rider: Humphrey B Bear to replace Dipper - Humphrey doesn't scare the children as much(even with no pants) and adults find him easier to understand. Bonus: Appeals to grass roots supporters.

Special comments: Molly Meldrum - appeals to a demographic not currently being addressed("not that there's anything wrong with that") Shane Stone Liberal Party federal president - has had some pretty special special comments so far Rene Rivken - to cater to Melbourne Members (constant updates on stock movements and investment advice for internet traders) Robert Walls - Robertİhas the opportunity at half-time of every game to refute the day's revelations about his coaching techniques dug up from 10+ years ago

Love your work!

Regards,

JEFF FROM KILSYTH

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 20:43:06 +1000 From: Ross Morton

COODABEEN CHAMPIONS FOOTBALL COMPETITION ENTRY 6th MAY 2001 *** FOOTBALL APRES CHANNEL VII Coming soon to the Ten Network.... An exciting new ground-breaking development in reality television.... "THE EXPERT" 27 unknown, ordinary, unheralded, yet forthright and multi-layered individuals, all dedicated and self-confessed knowledgeable football fans, from all walks of life, from all socio-economic backgrounds, and from all States and Territories of the Commonwealth (it is a National Game after all!!), all with their own particular barrow to push, are brought together in a purpose-built studio within the confines of the newly constructed Waverley Park Disney Sports World.

Every Monday night during the AFL Home & Away season and the Finals, commencing at 8.30pm, these typical footy fan "Panellists" will, for 2 hours, match wits, argue, analyse, dissect, deliberate, pontificate, mull over, the previous weekend's round of matches. And each week, at the end of the show, one of the "Panellists" will be voted off the Panel by the discerning viewing public. This will continue through until the Grand Final Review Show, when only 2 "Panellists" will be left to slug it out (metaphorically) for the Grand Prize of a "Gold Pass" to Bill Ferg's Lobster Cave.

Your Host for this exciting new development in football entertainment will be Tim (sorry, Timmy) Webster .... who else knows less about Footbal!?!? Who else could give the game the Sydney-centric flavour the AFL so desparately craves!?!?

Details of auditions for members of the public who think they have the wherewithal to lay their footballing souls bare for all the world to see, will be made available soon.

Andrew McDonald

Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 21:40:03 +1000 From: Christopher Hardie

I believe that football coverage will become a significant avenue for cross promotion, and we might find that Friday night coverage may look something like this:

Pre-Game: Both teams on field warm-up is instructed by the girls from 'Aerobics Oz Style'.

The toss of the coin between the two captains is replaced by Baby John Burgess, presenting a 'Catch Phrase' on the scoreboard.

Once the game has begun, rather than just tell us who is on the bench, the boundary rider will quiz a member of the crowd as to the interchange players, letting them call a friend if they need to just like they do on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire', with a cash prize up for grabs for a correct answer. The crowd member may try to double this prize by guessing the interchange players at the beginning of the second, third and final quarters as well.

At quarter time, one of the trainers from each team will be challenged to re-docorate the bench area of the opposing team a la 'Changing Rooms', imagine their surprise upon returning from the huddle to find the bench gone completely and only a couple impractically high green bar stools.

Any medical updates on players injuries throughout the game will be presented on the big screen live via a satellite by a member of the 'ER' cast.

At half time, hidden cameras within both changing rooms will be turned on, and a 'Big Brother' view of preceedings will be presented. Whilst this is going on the team from 'Backyard Blitz' will have to resurface the entire field, and somehow fit in a water feature somewhere, all before the players return to the field.

Any player on the bench during the third quarter will have to be seen testing some form of exercise equipment, of course mentioning how much weight they've lost and a 1800 number before returning to the field of play.

At three-quarter time, rather than orange quarters, Ian Hewittson will rustle up something for each team.

At the end of the match, the losing captain will have to take a flaming torch out into the middle of the ground, so it can be ceremonially extinguished by the head umpire, as seen on 'Survivor'.

By the way, each quarter now only runs for 15 minutes so that the '60 Minutes' stop-watch can make a cameo appearance as the official time clock.

Then after the match, the 'late night only' Big Brother cameras will follow both teams into the showers, whilst Bert Newton and Big Kev gather up the players jumpers so that Kev can prove just how much dirt his washing detergent can get out.

Now that players have begun to speak out at the tribunal, any reported player will now appear on a 'Jerry Springer' style game show and go head to head with his accusor, the umpire, and whoever else the producers manage to dig up from his past.

And finally, the mark and goal of the week footage, will now be added to the mix of 'Funniest Home Videos.'

Chris Hardie

Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 14:00:33 From: stuart mcarthur

Footy commentary has plenty of oomph but not enough colour.

We need to hear more about the mellow timbre of a particular player's voice as the commentator heard it recounting with delight, in the Long Room dining room, over a splendid lunch of roast lamb, crunchy spuds and a nice Margaret River cab/sav, the match-winning cameo he played which sealed his team's administration of a shock defeat to the Eagles in Subiaco on a crisp Autumn Sunday in 1993, just as the Fremantle doctor swept its cooling charms over the long dark shadows of the stadium. So I think Keith Stackpole should get the nod.

Or, (and warning: laboured set-up ahead) Channel Nine should choose a two-name team with future promotion in mind. ie. adjust the make-up of the team TO the future catchy slogan. For instance, if they gave John Laws and Shane Zantuck the job, then whenever the Channel Nine team heads to Adelaide, Perth, etc. to cover a game, the local TV ad would go "Zantuck/Laws is coming to town."

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 10:47:21 +1000 From: David Downer

It seems that the knowledgeable football follower is becoming increasingly frightened by the possibility that our good friends at ATV10 will be broadcasting our beloved national game next year, but herein lies an opportunity to "embrace" the exciting new changes that will come about for our football viewing entertainment. A short-list of my Channel 10 commentary team for next year is :

Lead host Friday nights : Bruce Samazan in a triumphant career revival Saturday nights : Rove McManus to attract the all-important Ch10 "youth demographic" Boundary riders : Big Kev, Lou Carpenter from Neighbours, Lizzie from Prisoner Special comments : of course, the face of 10 Sport and all things AFL in Tim Webster, with Bert Newton on hand with those patented razor-sharp quips to lend a hand to Tim's mountain of knowledge Sundays : Basically anyone employed at Channel 10 Sydney who would like to give it a crack Around the Grounds : Belvedere, Bert's faithful assistant from GMA Talking Footy : Stan Zemanek to host, ably supported by Dexter the robot from Perfect Match, with special comments from Criag Devonport who was once a contestant on the show. Dexter will have new words programmed into his memory, including "much maligned", "oft-maligned", "process", "corridor" and "mind-games".

Other callers : - Kate Langbroek from The Panel : can interrupt and talk over the other commentators whilst they try to call the game - Mal Walden : because we all love Mal don't we ? - Jerry Springer : if the ratings are going especially well and we can afford to fly him in - Larry Emdur : on the hit-list to be poached from his rival network, channel 10 heavies believe his immaculate pearly whites would be an invaluable commodity to the coverage - The Work Experience kid : why the hell not ?

And now a new dimension to the coverage, "The Face in the crowd", where a celebrity will interview supporters during the game. A shortlist of possibles and probables includes : - the various Neighbours starlets - the more free-spirited and willing of the Big Brother contestants - Moira Murdoch - Tim Bailey (cos the Spring Carnival just aint enough of him for us Melbourne folk ?!?!?!?) - Krusty the Klown - Mark Aiston (can successfully continue to annoy us with that patented Adelaide accent and overall expertise) - Some of the Pommy Intellectual giants from "Ibiza uncovered"

Key catchphrase of the coverage : - Obviously Big Kev's "I'm excited", which will have the viewers on the edge of their seats come the last quarter down on the boundary line. Hopefully this will be more accepted and loved by the public than Sandy Robert's patented "oh my hat"

The music played during the "if you don't wanna know the scores look away now" part : - A specially released remix of Jason Donovan and Craig McLachlan medlies

Station Football Mascot : Marty Monster or Bouncer, the station is at loggerheads on this decision

Stiff to miss out but didnt quite make the grade : Steve Quartermain

Cheers boys,

Dave Downer (aka Mopsy from the Footy Banter Team)

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 13:47:41 +1000 (EST) From: John Kenneth Daykin

John Daykin

Date: Fri, 04 May 2001 16:08:01 +1000 From: paul russo

Our line up for next year's footy coverage : The Channel McGuire Team

PRE-GAME : Jamie Durie and the Backyard Blitz team are given 2 hours to transform the playing surface of Colonial while Wayne Jackson is kept busy and sent to Israel to meet Palestinian leaders on how to negotiate with Joe Gutnick.

: Entertainment provided by Hi-5 before game and at half time- to get the kids in.

: In the rooms before the game - the segment will be known as "Suzie Wilkes - In the Change Rooms" A typical example of her work "Sheeds I love what you've done with the back wall. That black and red crepe paper what you've done with the back wall. That black and red crepe paper transforms the space beautifully".

GAME TIME : Presenter/Front Man - Bert Newton " Hi and Welcome to the game". Chosen because he has crossed the difficult rubicon between Channel 9 and Channel 10 and survived. If Bert is not available then Richard Wilkins will step in because he gets every fill in job going around. ; Commentating Team - Darryl Eastlake - knows nothing about footy but does get very excited...in the Peter Landy role. - Bill Lawry/Tony Greig - A perfect fit for Bill because finally here's a sport where "it is all happening". Tony Grieg - who better to promote AFL international expansion plans but a man born in Sth Africa who played cricket for England and now lives in Australia. - Fourth umpire - Judge Judy - Expert comments - Tim Webster (should save the network money)"Good catch by Hird" "Bad decision by the ref." - Boundary riders - Simon Marshall and Shane Dye

AFTER MATCH - Interviews - Glen Ridge - to ask the hard questions "So Sheeds who is the President of Pakistan"

From Faction 3366 Paul Russo/JOHN CLEMENTS

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 17:07:20 +1000 From: "BULL,TRAVIS (HP-Australia,ex2)"

To get the younger audience on the new home of football they should use

Hosts: Daryl Summers, Ozzie Ostrich (at least for a few years then he mysteriously vanishes)

Special Comments: Red, Wilbur, Russell Gilbert & Molly Meldrum

Their coverage recorded in studio 9 would last about 2 hrs on a Saturday night. It would revolutionize football coverage. During the 2 hours there would be live acts (Ricki Martin every second week), comedians, a talent show, a music segment and culminate in a 5 min live cross to Ian Hewittson on the boundary(hey he is the closest thing 9 has to dipper) at the MCG where he would get two lucky crowd members to participate in the Playstation challenge.

I don't know where they would squeeze the football in, maybe channel 10 might want to show it.

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 22:33:18 +1000 From: Jac & Pete

Coverage will include:
Direct commentary from players, runners and trainers, all of whom will wear individual microphones. The player with the ball will be expected to provide 'expert' remarks on what he is actually planning to do with it.
2 To attract a more diverse audience games will be televised via split screen, or TV sets actually on the sets of other shows. For example: 1st Quarter coverage - Hi5 or the Wiggles will provide a breezy song-filled commentary fro the younger set. (The little ones will need to go to bed at quarter time). 2nd Quarter - Burkes Backyard or Backyard Blitz. Don Burke can give specialist comment on lawn growth. Backyard Blitz crew will be live at Colonial Stadium randomly and replace the ground surface at half time, to give the players a pleasant surprise. 3rd Quarter - Beauty and the Beast. Stan and the beauties comment on players' clothing, and developing relationships taking place on the ground.İ 4th Quarter - Sale of the Century. Will include questions from incidents in the first 3 quarters as well as predictions about the game result.
3 Hosted by Gretel Killeen an 'uncut' version of the game of the week will be screened in the adult timeslot of 9.30pm on Thursday. This will include coarse language and post match shower scenes.

Peter Kilgour of Croydon

Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 10:05:09 +1000 From: Jason

Great show. My entry is somewhat late, the show has already started for round 6, but the next stage in commentating has already started....believe it or not........

It seems at the moment that the umpires and presidents are getting bigger than the game itself, so it stands to reason that they should commentate as well!!

Take Friday night for example. The two presidents, Casey and Miller (?) could give us their call along with a boundary umpire for a boundary rider. They are usually about as far from the game as Dipper anyway. For special comments, we should have Leon Daphne. He could give us his comments as the mistakes by the umpires happen. So you get the gist of my new commentator team.

See Ya's
Jason Potito
Queenstown, Tasmania.

Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 10:17:03 +1000 From: Mark Drill

Some shows to look forward to that Chanel 9 will allow 10 to run;

AROUND THE GROUNDS

live from Sydney with Tim Webster & an injured Dale Lewis.

Tim opens with "Welcome to the Australian Rules Football Wrap, 1st a word of warning, if you would prefer not to know the results; look away now" Tim then proceeds to READ OUT the scores.

THE FOOTBALL PANEL

Wednesday nights hosted by Tommy Gleisner with Rob Sitch, Glenn Robbins, Santo Chillaro & Kate Langbrook.

AFL BIG BROTHER

Players from various clubs sufferring long term injuries, are cycled in and out of a house with cameras hidden behind various mirrors. NB. Hawthorn should get to see plenty of their injured stars.

LIVE FOOTY TRIBUNAL

A new show, where players like Matthew Nights will be able sort out differences with Libba in the presence host JUDGE JUDY. NB. Libba will will have a weekly spot similar to Billy Brownles's The Wheel. The cases are real & the decisions final.

MATCH DAY

Quatermania where Steve Quartermaine interviews assistant coaches on horseback b/n the huddle and the coaches box at the end of each quarter. (Melbourne Cup style)

And don't forget that the beauty of Chanel 10 is that you will be able to see favourite games again in 2003 as re runs.

The Coodabeen Champions    Competition