The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Four
Imagine a round of clean, skilful, uncontroversial football, with everyone and everything played according to Hoyle, on and off the field. Under this state of affairs, with nonsense banished, and all of us getting on with football, what will the papers write about? .
Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 12:33:21 +1000
From: John O'Connell
Judging by the editorial bent ofİthe little paper I wouldn't be surprised
if its real name is "The Collingwood Herald-Sun".
On a slow footy news day the following BACKPAGE headline might appear:
"NATHAN BUCKLEY BITES DOG".
By an unbelievable coincidence a Herald-Sun photographer was able to
takeİa photo of the incident occurring whcih fills the back page.
(In fact there is an example of this type of sensationlist journalism
about ten years ago when Tony Shaw ran into a tree. The Herald-Sun ran a
photo of Tony Shaw's damaged face next to the offending tree. Fotunately
no journalist was able to get a comment from the tree as it could have
resulted in Collingwood taking the tree to court for defamation.)
John O'Connell
Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 14:56:43 +1000
From: Leane Leggo
from Geoff Leggo,
AFL supremo Wayne Jackson has fired a broadside at the 16 AFL
clubs for what he describes as“ wanton disregard for the well being
of the future of the game.”
His comments come after an incident free weekend with no
players on report for striking or participating in a melee. Furthermore,
club presidents have been surprisingly quiet and anything but outspoken,
which has led to Jackson’s outburst.
“ At a critical time when the sale of Waverley hangs in
the balance and cash is of the utmost concern to the clubs, I cannot
understand why the players have not resorted to uncontrolled meleeing and
why presidents have abided by AFL guidelines and not sought to comment on
confidential issues in the press.“
“ This good behaviour has cost the AFL an estimated
$50,000 in revenue from round four and should this continue there will be
no guarantees of survival for the ten Victorian clubs.”
Jackson’s alleged comments were made at AFL headquarters
last night and were overheard by Ivy Porteous, anİ AFL sanitation
engineer who has spoken exclusively to the Herald Sun. She said Jackson
bemoaned the fact on-field niceties could lead to mothers re-assessing
their children’s non-involvement in the game at junior level.
“ Let’s face it junior development programs are
under threat. The influx of kids wanting to play this new soft version of
footy will place enormous strain on AFL resources.İ Despite, the TV
rights windfall, clubs must supplement the AFL coffers by fighting,
dobbing on each other and smearing my good reputation.”
Club presidents have been unanimous in their condemnation of
the AFL head.
Sources close to John Elliot suggest that he was dismayed at the tirade
and may have driven straight down to Jolimont if he’d had a licence.
Similarly, a Melbourne insider revealed that Joseph Gutnick was appalled
and would be available for comment after he’d emptied his waste
paper basket.
Jackson meanwhile, has been interstate all week and has not
responded to the allegations.
Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2001 12:54:45 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
Subject: no nonsense football, god forbid
gday coodabeens,
you have put me in a difficult position position with this weeks
competition, as nothing instantly springs to mind, well done!
First of all, the two free papers in melbourne wouldn't have any
troubles, should we be put in the critical position of witnessing a clean
skillful round of football this week, the mx and melbourne express would
continue on their weekday routine of churning out trash and in depth
football analysis. Therefore, mx and melbourne express would still have
stuff to write about.
The larger papers, ie The Age and the the Herald Sun, would have trouble
filling their sports pages (and court hearings pages if brisbane players
play a clean week of football)
Journalists who cast a critical eye, would be hard pressed for stories,
possibly resulting to pushing through a feel good story (again) such as
the bloke who kitted up in manchester united attire, analysing his, style
of play, how he baulked security at munich's olympic stadium, then
disecting his occupation and childhood to conclude that he has all
the credentials
for an elite afl player, just not ready for the big time yet...
if i can just move off track a little and broaden our horizons to other
forms of media, such as television. SBS has already taken action, should
there be a clean week of football, SBS would keep it's viewing population
interested by employing an American man to give a preview to the weeks
football.İ As i wasİhorrified to view on friday the 20th of April, 7:15
pm, an American previewing round 4, detailing key matchups in the western
d'eee'rby amongst other things.
anyway keep up the good work
Julian Toohey
Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2001 14:03:05 +1000
From: Les Meek
Dear Simon,
with everything running to plan in the football
world this week,and no controversies,my newspaper
article would be this.
Produce a best players list for the season so far and
put NATHAN BUCKLEY at NUMBER 7!
Les Meek
Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2001 15:45:22 +1000 From: grant & chris Subject: AFL Media team of the Century. (from the Backline) After a week where no controversy raged in the AFL The Herald Sun led with this headline on the Thursday Morning. EXCLUSIVE: MEDIA team of the Century revealed!!!! A team voted byselected sports editors from around the country has resulted in the following Media team of the Century. B Doug Elliot Michael Sheehan Jim Cleary (Uncompromising straight at the ball) (the great negator negative stories a specialty) (Always given the ordinary Games. Team man)
HB Peter Landy Alf Potter Lou Richards (Coined the catch cry "one point each of two" Hall of famer) (where else could you play a man with a name like "Potter") (who can forget such gems as Fabulous Phil and The Hulk.)
C Jack Dyer Alf Brown Ian Major ("he's got the ball and Ohhhhh if you don't mind" ..Set the standard) (Doyen of sports Writers.The Guru Bob of his time) (the Captain and the Major...nuff said)
HF Tony Charlton Bruce Mcavaney Mike Williamson (the thinking mans' commentator) (Excellence of execution Special....) (the first of the television Moguls) F Caroline Wilson Scott Palmer Sandy Roberts (Gender is no barrier) ( So many Leads so little time...... was responsible for the phrase "Leak it to Scotty")(In the correct position for a "check side goal") Rucks: Rex Hunt(Multi Disciplined. passionate about the game, "He aint no Gentleman Jim....") Dennis Cometti (Just so we can say Hunt to Cometti......Centimeter perfect.) Tim Lane (Triple medalist. Would love to play in a premiership side)
Interchange: The Coodabeen Champions( never actually matured)Harry Beitzel ( Either it was Rex or Harry no room for both) Tommy Lahiff(first of the locker room reporters. might get a run if Harry gets on) Kevin Dennis (The "Spice Girls" of his time. Manufactured media star)
Be prepared for the letters to the Editor on Monday What about Don Scott!!! etc Grant and Christine
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 10:11:48 +1000
From: Glenn
Simon,
In a media world where football returns to traditional values of "good clean
fun", where the focus is on skill and gentlemanly conduct, and where Aussie
rules ia again "good family entertainment"; there is absolutely no doubt
that the media will leap upon a new proposal from the West Coast Eagles.
Ken Judge is very keen on the instigation of the Son-Father Rule, with the
unmitigated success of their aging draft pick Troy Wilson. Under the
Son-Father Rule, a club may draft any parent whose son has played at least
50 games for the club.
And won't the media just love it, finally able to compare teams and players
from different era's.
The Eagle's have already commenced negotiations with the Cousin's family and
barring injury or suspension, beleive the 2003 team will feature
Sierakowski/ Sierakowski across the half back line.
Carlton is also in favour of this ruling, especially with the news of
recent testicular injuries. Don't be surprised to see FOS (Father of
Stephen) lining up later this year.
Hawthorn too are aware of the benefits and have made several calls to the
Clarke household. Geelong on the other hand have still not completed their
course in Geneology and are not expected to take advantage of this or any
other similar rulings.
Glenn From Newport
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 12:13:14 +1000
From: David
" A DAY OUT WITH "THE JOHNSON'S"
In what is being regarded as a ground breaking move,
the AFL organised yesterday a gathering of all players who share
the most common surname in the league , " The Johnson's".
Much thought went into choosing the venue for this historic
gathering and after dismissing a number of less appropriate sitesİit was
decided that the Tea Rooms at the Royal Botanical Gardens provided the
best setting.
The day could have gotten off to a bad start with the
arrival of
Travis Johnstone (Travis has a T in his surname). After a quick call to
the
rules committee it was decided to make an exception on this occasion
but the matter will be put on the agenda for the committees next meeting.
In a moment that brought a tear to the eye, Mark Johnson of Essendon went
over to Travis and with an arm around his shoulder, took him over to join
the rest of the group.
With this initial tension behind them, the players sat down
to a scrumptiousİplate of scones with jam and cream. Brad Johnson of the
Western Bulldogs showed his prowess with the pouring of the tea,
spinning the pot around three times "just like mum use to do".
The group then went on a guided tour ot the gardens with
particular interestİ in the colony of bats living in Fern Gully. Kane
Johnson of Adelaide showed he is quite the environmentalist saying
culling the bats is not the solution to the problem and they should be
moved to a suitable site. Kane changed his tune however when Brett
Johnson of Hawthorn, showing experience far beyond his tender years
suggested the colony may be happier roosting in the rafters of the
grandstands at Football Park.
The day finished with the traditional feeding of the ducks.
Everyone smiled when they heard the girlish squeals of delight coming
from Chris Johnson of Brisbane and Ben Johnson of Collingwood as a
large white swan gobbled up their offerings.
When asked later how he enjoyed the day Mark Johnson of
Essendon said
"Its been a great day getting together with the guys. This is defiantly
one
of the highlights of my A.F.L. career."
The days has been declared a resounding success and already
the call for similar gatherings has gone out. Early suggestions include
players with the surnames "Clarke", "Davis", "Jones"İ or "Smith".
Perhaps
a larger undertaking could be players who's surnames are colours giving
the exciting prospect of combining both the "Browns" and "Whites".
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 12:41:06 +1000
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
When proper football news is missing the papers should go with any of the
following stories :-
1. A photo of the Bulldog's Trent Bartlett sitting down to a meal of
fish and chips the day before a big game, with an inset photo of his
namesake Kevin Bartlett doing the same thing 25 years ago. A feel good
story accompanies the photos.
2. Interviews with the four Daniher brothers on where they are now.
Inset photo of the four in the playing heyday and of course a brief
interview with Edna. (I hope she is still alive)
3. Given the weekend of rain a story about the Glenferrie oval in the
early 70's complete with pictures of the "mudheap" and mud caked players
plus interviews with past players. If there are no pictures of Glenferrie,
pictures of Moorabbin will suffice, re-igniting the "rumours" of the hoses
being out on the ground during the week.
4. Anything with Lou Richards!
Regards,
Peter "Trash" Treseder
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 12:54:42 +1000
From: Peter O'Sullivan
Here are some things the papers might write about
WEST COAST vs FREMANTLE
DERBY or DARBY?
Former Rhodes Scholar Mike Fitzpatrick
breaks his silence in our exclusive interview
ADELAIDE vs PORT
South Australian Showdown
Roman Numerals vs Modern Arabic
Rene Rivkin reviews the cold hard facts
MALCOLM BLIGHT ALMOST KILLED ME
Former Geelong Star Billy Brownless speak out
about Malcolm Blight's house of horrors training
"Malcolm regularly forced me to run 400 metres non stop "
MIKE SHEEHAN'S TOP 20
Mike Sheehan ranks his Top 20
slowest AFL news days of all time
Controversy surrounds Mike's claim that
slow news day in 1930's and 1940's
do not compare with modern slow news days
Kind Regards
Peter O'Sullivan - Gisborne
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 09:57:49 +1000
From: Tim Goddard
In the great tradition of theatre reviewers(of which you would be well versed),
footballing scribes/reporters would become Critics.
These newly appointed football reviewers would, as their theatre counterparts
have done for years, find an action or movement which "fought against the
original virtues of the writers intention, and, in comparison to the 1963 Davis
production, lacked the passion and direction to be considered a modern (and
believeable) interpretation of the classic."
This could also overcome the problem of comparing champions of different eras.
Go the Cats, go the seagulls.
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 10:55:10 +1000
From: Mathew Broadbent
In a week without controversy the meja (media) still need a ball bursting
headline and in the grand tradition of past Truth headlines (remember the
one, "Barrassi on drugs!") I suggest the following; A front page blurb in
extra bold and the largest lettering possible, "Koutafides on cocaine!" and
in small type down the bottom, "see page 3". On page 3 is an interview with
Kouta about drugs where he talks about the evils of heroin, pot and cocaine
amongst others, and the need for yougsters to be vigilant and avoid them at
all costs.
Matthew Broadbent, East Brunswick,
Herald Sun
Will move Jon Anderson from page 87 to the back page. Featuring a team
from the backline of past players whose names begin with the letter "D"
and whose pets' names also begin with the same letter. (where does he get
them from?!!)
There will also be a trivia question about a certain pig who found his
way onto the SCG some years back. "Who's number did he have scribed on
his body?"
The Age
Even easier. They just get Caroline Wilson to do what she does every week
- make something up! You know the kind of thing. She rings up Mick
Malthouse and asks him if he is an alcoholic. Of course, he says "no".
The headline reads next day:
"I am no alcoholic, says Malthouse"
Mick Malthouse reacted angrily to suggestions that he was an alcoholic,
today. Although it has been suggested that Malthouse has had a problem
with drink for some, he vehemently denied this from his position behind
the bar at the Collingwood Social Club last night. etc, etc.
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 23:22:12 +1000
From: Jeffrey Ferguson
Congratualtions on the ratings!
AGE ODD SPOT
Yesterday nothing happened in AFL football. The United Nations has
ordered a special investigation into this matter to determine whether in
fact nothing actually happened in AFL football yesterday or if in fact
the world has stopped turning.
The AFL spokesman to the UN, Mr Kevin Sheedy denied nothingİhappened
yesterday, stating that there was some confusion as to when yesterday
actually occurred. "I feel we should add at least another 3 hours to each
day, only then can this confusion be avoided". The UN investigator Mr R S
Dye refused to comment other than say that such a suggestion would need
to be referred by video evidence to the UN rules committee.
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 04:57:03 -0000
From: Gurn Blandston
How the media would deal with a no-news week -
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
NEXT WEEK
Gurn Blandston
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 19:02:01 +1000
From: KyselaO
1. The Jason Cripps Update
The football public is in need of an update. From white-tail spider bites
and hyperbaric chambers, hammies torn from the bone, and the regulation
twinge in the hammy on the eve of the comeback pre-season intraclub match.
The public has a right to know.
2. Revisit Pre-Season Top 10s
Allow published Top 10s to be revisited and updated on exposed form after 4
rounds, and provide the following re-assessments which should keep Neil,
Ernie and Pricey busy on the Friday after:
OUT: Carey, Mercuri, Koutifides, Grant, Riciutto, King
IN: Bootsema, Tallis, Mr. Wilson, Scarlett, Hilton, Shirley
3. John Harvey Expose
12 page liftout (thesis) on the forces of evil that combine to make this man
what he is, as well as a rumour of his casting by George Lucas as the next
sith from the dark side of the force in Star Wars, Episode II: The Clone
Wars.
4. Another Photo of Aaron Lord and Livinia Nixon
Apparently they are going out together.
Oliver Kysela
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 23:56:13 +1000
From: Doug Long
What the papers say in a quiet week– various states.
MELBOURNE - The dullest news day ever, so we go with:
"A day in the life of Ian Collins" (100,000 fewer copies than normal are
printed this day)
Ian visits a large local theatre and the stage floor is being upgraded.
His host explains: "We don’t like to spend too much money of this,
Ian. Performers should be able to cope with a variety of surfaces. And
besides, the stage floor surface is not our core business.
Like other theatres, our CORE BUSINESS is entertaining the PAYING
THEATRE-GOER; especially the premium paying, booking in advance
theatre-goer. That’s how we succeed.
Not by PANDERING to some WHINGEING troop whose performers blame the stage
floor condition for falling over; and we don’t waste time trying to
estimate how many COMMONERS will decide to roll up at the last minute."
Ian’s summary: "Finally, someone understands me!"
*******************************************************************************
****
ADELAIDE in the week leading up to showdown 10;
Back page: Smart tells– our greatest showdown victory
Next page: A detailed look at the Port on-ballers
Next Page: Jarman gets a manicure
Next page: Primus– humbling the Bombers in the Ansett Cup.
Then 20 more pages of similar drivel.
Then way back in tiny print tucked between the classified ads and the
under 12 netball results from Port Augusta:
Nuclear blasts have totally wiped out Perth, Geelong, Melbourne, Sydney
and Brisbane yesterday. No team from these cities will be able to field a
team for the remainder of the 2001 season.
Monday’s paper will devote 30 PAGES to the summary of the ADELAIDE /
PORT game and nothing to any other AFL games… as usual.
*******************************************************************************
****
BRISBANE - "If only Malthouse had been coaching Brisbane on that fateful
day", says STREMPEL (recalling the boxing episode), "things would have
been different.
Then my team mates would have AIMED HIGH AND MISSED rather than aimed low
and achieved*"!
* Footnote: This was a Michaelangelo quote after he fell from the Cistine
Chapel scaffolding.
*******************************************************************************
****
SYDNEY - It’s official: more people support the Swans than any other
AFL team. Club officials were pleased with the survey results, despite
the fact that only 5% of supporters surveyed could name a current player.
*******************************************************************************
****
PERTH - Another "IF ONLY" involving former favourite son, Mick Malthouse
and the Anzac Day game:
We all waited and watched. Could the great number 25 pull out something
special in the dying stages of the game for the Pies?
He had done it before on Anzac Day.
The crowd was transfixed. "Come in number 25" each one seemed to say.
Sadly, however, umpire number 25 (John Harvey) was nowhere to be seen.
Doug Long
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 10:50:20 +1000
From: Ross Davenport
Hi blokes,
my first attempt in 10 years for your comp, since the days of a dozen
bottles.
I thought of the following headlines
the Beatles classic was stolen - GET BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE BELONGED -
unfortunately The Herald Sun Used that on Tuesday
then I thought of WILL THIS TOP DOG BE GONE - oops sorry used on
Wednesday, then HERE THEY COME - a story of Sheedy beating the pies up
so they'll lose next week as well, then I thought of
JOES POWER STRUGGLE - but then again who cares - it must have been a
slow news week.
So my entry is of a real incident that was beat up the week before but
hardly makes a paragraph in week two and is about the Clinton Casey /
David Smorgon crap.
here goes:
CLINTON APOLOGISES TO SMORGON - BUT HAD HIS FINGERS CROSSED.
The story goes..... Today Richmond President Clinton casey
unreservedly apologised to Western Bulldogs President David Smorgon
over the comments he made about the conduct of the Bullies a few weeks
ago. The Herald Sun can reveal that Clinton Casey had his fingers,
arms and legs crossed while he wrote the apology and during the
reading of it over the phone to Mr Smorgon and also while he sent it
via email and fax to the Western Bulldogs the media and the AFL. This
means that he didn't mean it, he only did it to fend off a likely
court case.
Sources close to the Tigers President reveal that Mr Casey was
encouraged to do this as his own arm was twisted by the Richmond
Board, while his arm was being twisted up behind his back this is when
the idea came to him.
The Western Bulldogs have "NO COMMENT"
Thanks fellas
Ross Davenport
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 12:36:05 +1000
From: "BULL,TRAVIS (HP-Australia,ex2)"
The story that would appear in the paper the week when there was no issues
in footy would go along these lines:
"Footy's future secrets revealed our clairvoyant tells all"
In a scoop for us our resident clairvoyant Claire has revealed some secrets
about the issues of Footy in 100yrs time
The league has expanded to 17 astro teams from all over the galaxy. However
she adds
many people believe they should go back to the traditional 11 teams out of
earth and one out of Geelong
The AFL(Astro Football League) has built a stadium on Pluto. The AFL have
claimed it is a developing colony. However there is a lot of speculation
about the location, it's always cold, it's in a rain belt and there is no
public transport out there
Also two android coaches are feuding. Android Walls and Android Sheedy are
at it again. They are both scheduled to appear for the 14th time on "Talking
androids". However Android Sheedy has stated "It all goes back to the
coaches convention of 96, 2096 that is"
The other big issue is the clarification of the charging rule. The tribunal
Chairperson "Natalie Bissey has stated what is the confusion about, maybe
the androids should read the rule"
Travis Bull
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 13:13:17 +1000
From: Kevin McAloon ext. 32
The mid-week headlines screams......".MAGPIE CHIEF HITS OUT IN COURT
ACTION"........ Magpie guru "Triple Eddie" McGuire today was involved in a
social game of tennis at the Collingwood ground today. Collingwood faithful
enjoyed Eddies' hitting out and some were said to say that is what has been
lacking at the club. Eddie vowed more court action in the future and said he
was prepared to take on anyone, including club presidents and,if necessary,
Wayne Jackson. He said he could not comment whether other
clubs were going to be involved in court action in the near future, and said
he felt very comfortable with his action.
There is never a dull moment at Collingwood.
Kevin McAloon
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 13:52:17 +1000
From: David O'Brien
The AFL is facing a crisis greater than any seen before. I'm talking about the
lack of any excitement in the game after last weeks round. By allowing teams
and officials to act fairly and responsible the AFL runs the risk of alienating
supporters.
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 13:41:45 +1000
From: Ben Davies
The HERALD-SUN's Football Story of the Decade - as it unfolds.
Tuesday - Quiet news day.
The newspaper contains only minor news stories and "puff pieces" including the following six articles:
Page 119: Graeme McMahon visits Princes Park to pay the $1000 bet with John Elliott from the Carlton-Essendon game.
Page 5: John Elliott faces drink driving charges.
Page 117: A smiling, happy-pic of Kouta and Matty Lloyd on a set filming an advertisement for footy boots.
Bob Hart's Social Pages: Another smiling, happy pic of Steven Silvagni and Jo Bailey getting their hair cut in Puckle St. Moonee Ponds.
Real Estate Section: Wayne Brittain buys an investment property in the Adelaide Hills.
Jon Anderson column: features a pic of Glen Manton, in some harmless training track hi-jinks, chaining several of his bodily piercings to a goalpost at Optus Oval.
A typically slow news week, with nothing but unremarkable stories ... or are they?
Wednesday - Giant Page 1 headline :
SUPER CLUB!
Dons-Blues to merge
Exclusive Herald-Sun investigation.
A specially-formed Herald-Sun investigative unit makes the following claims, based on the previous day's stories and their own fearless sleuth work:
- Carlton and Essendon have been secretly planning to form a new joint venture team - the Super Club.
- McMahon was really visiting Princes Park to sign merger documents with the Carlton board.
- Elliott has been involved in several months of urgent negotiations with Essendon's major sponsor the TAC. When the media stumbled upon a meeting between the two, they covered it up by inventing the story that they were charging him with drink driving.
- Carlton faces an imminent cash crisis. The Adidas-Koutoufides boot controversy has re-emerged after 5 years. Adidas has issued writs to the tune of $50 million dollars to sue Carlton and Koutoufides for not allowing him to wear their boots. As a result, Carlton faces imminent financial ruin. In desperation, Koutoufides has signed several new sponsorship agreements with rival manufacturers and Matty Lloyd.
- Senior Carlton players Bradley, Silvagni and Ratten were yesterday summoned to Windy Hill to have the news broken to them. Silvagni was sprung in Puckle St. on the way back.
- Wayne Brittain will be axed in favour of Kevin Sheedy as coach of the Super Club. His property purchase in South Australia was in fact part of a deal to make him coach of the Crows.
- Word of the merger had leaked out to the rest of the Carlton players earlier in the week. Manton's goalpost antics were in fact an act of protest at the prospect of once again having to play under Kevin Sheedy. A reporter claims that a visit to Optus Oval at 3am the previous night found Manton still chained to the post continuing his vigil.
The Herald-Sun dedicates a 10-page spread to the story, including Mike Sheahan's expert comments which confirm the rumours: "These stories were no co-incidence. Taken separately, they don't mean anything. But taken together, they can only mean one thing - Super Club is Go."
Another article contains comments from various Carlton and Essendon identities and luminaries:
- Ted Hopkins - "Good on them if it's true. You've got to look to the future. You can't guarantee anything in football these days. Who's to say these teams wouldn't be in danger of getting squeezed out of the market in the next decade or two. I certainly think the Super Club is Good For Football."
- Tim Watson - "After what I endured at St. Kilda, nothing surprises me anymore."
- David Parkin - "Times are tough for the Victorian teams, there's no denying that. The Roos, Bulldogs and Geelong all face uncertain futures. There's no doubt the number of Victorian sides will inevitably be reduced. I reckon it's great that two powerful clubs aren't too proud to bite the bullet and set an example for the rest."
- Dick Reynolds - "It's a Sad Day For Football. It seems money is just running the game these days."
- Peter Bosustow - So excited by the news of the Super Club that he is rumoured to be considering a comeback to pull on the red, black and blue guernsey.
Other football identities and personalities weigh into the debate. Joe Gutnick slams the plan: "There is no doubt this whole Super Club thing is just another AFL conspiracy." A spokesman for Peter Costello, federal treasurer and Essendon's number 1 ticket holder, says that he is personally disappointed, but it is not the federal government's role to interfere in such mergers. "It was a tough call to block the Shell-Woodside merger; unless someone can find a National Interest justification, we won't be blocking Super Club."
Thursday - Official Confirmation.
A remarkable day of confessions and revelations. At a hastily-convened joint press conference, Graeme McMahon confirms the Herald-Sun story, admitting that he was planning to make an official announcement of Super Club at that weekend's President's lunch, but due to the paper's expose, was forced to bring it forward. Elliott confirms the rumours regarding Carlton's finances, saying the crisis had been looming for several years. "The Legends Stand was just the tip of the iceberg, financially. We knew we were going to have to face up to this back in '96 and have been pinching pennies ever since. That's why Diesel and Sticks - two of our greatest champions - had to retire early, and why we had to let Hamill go last year. We just couldn't afford to keep any of them. But let's look on the bright side of the Super Club. We'll have 32 flags between us. Let's see Eddie McGuire try and match that!"
In a revealing interview, Essendon assistant coach Mark Harvey confirmed Essendon's motivation: "Sheeds and Graeme had their own ideas but from an on-field point of view, it came down to one thing and one thing only - we wanted Kouta. The spectre of the 99 preliminary final still haunts us. We were all terrified that one day he'd do it again. We spent the entire pre-season trying out 100 new game-plans to nullify him, but eventually came to the conclusion that we just had nobody who could match him. Then last week they beat us without him, and that was just the last straw. We just thought: Bring on Super Club."
Kevin Sheedy, in an exclusive and frank interview with the Herald-Sun, is at his expansive and philosophical best. "You've got to take a broad, long-term view. It's a globalising world. You've got to take the world view. In 50 years time, there'll be no borders. There'll be no differences between cultures. And there'll be no differences between football codes. They'll all merge into one. One world, one code, that'll be the way of things. We want to be in a position of strength when this happens; that's where the Super Club comes in. We need to consolidate to make sure we can match it with the Manchester Uniteds, AC Milans and New York Giants of the world. I can tell you now, there all preparing for it themselves. My dream has always been to see our game go global. When it spreads to China and India, they'll have 2 billion people to pick from. That's some talent pool. There's no way Carlton or Essendon could compete with that on their own."
Asked about the possibility of a role for Wayne Brittain at the new Super Club, Sheedy replies, "I don't think so. This is bigger than Wayne Brittain."
Asked to summarise his justification for the Super Club, Sheedy replies, "That's easy - World Domination ... oh, and Kouta."
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 13:52:46 +1000
From: Bob Crain
Simon,
This must be a trick question.
There is no such thing as non-controversial football, the game is built
on controversy and I can't imagine it with out.
The very name of the game is controversial Australian Rules it should be
called Australian Grey Area or Australian Guidelines because the rules
are anything but rules.
Every facet of the game both on and off the field is based on
controversy, every hand pass, every free kick, every run up the wing,
every bump, bounce and blunder are steeped in controversy. The opinion's
available to assess each and every action or inaction are only limited by
the amount of people they can get into the ground and even that number is
subject to controversy on a weekly basis.
The fact that you have one obviously unstable person (who has aspired to
achieve AFL Umpire status) making a decision as to the intent of another
obviously unstable person (who has been hammered from pillar to post
since he made his debut in the under 5's and was probably ordered by the
coach to be beaten senseless by 6 of his team mates during the week)İwhen
he either hand balls to the boundary line, jumps into another players
head or trips himİby hand or foot, could lead to nothing but controversy.
The very fact that this happens hundredsİmaybe thousands of times in any
givenİgame is so open to controversy that to even pretend that one could
imagine football with controversy in unimaginable.
This does not even begin to take into account controversyİsurrounding the
coaches, the media, the presidents, the members, Eddie, Channel Rex, 3AW,
theİcorporate sponsors and the price of a pie at the MCG.
Football without controversy, you must be kidding. This has to be a trick
question.
Bob the Yank
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 14:28:48 +1000
From: Jac & Pete
Thursday Football Scoop
Following last week's perfect round of football, and all umpires' perfect
performances, we can now report exclusively on the dramatic improvement
in umpiring.
It has been revealed secretly to us that the AFL, so concerned about the
years of abject failure of the men in white (and white coats), last week
contacted ex-commentator Michael Williamson's good friend Jack Hill.
Jack, of "even Jack Hill the Blind Miner could see that" fame, last week
journeyed from the diggings in Ballarat to show umpires the obvious
errors of their ways. The results were witnessed first hand by us all.
Sadly, Jack cannot continue in this role due to the resultant downturn in
the sunglasses, white cane and seeing eye dog industries this week (refer
front page story on the declining economic situation).
Peter Kilgour of Croydon
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 05:39:05 -0000
From: henry gondorff
HIRD MENTALITY
With the start to the season & the excitement levels high after the
Olympics, it has been easy to overlook the off-field traumas faced by one of
our most highly decorated, Essendon captain James Hird.
Mr Hird joined the establishment broking firm of J B Were & Son a few months
ago to a suitably low key fanfare (ignoring the front page article by
Caroline Wilson in the Sport Age on the matter). No pre-season could have
prepared him for what was to come:
1. Crashing Dow Jones
While grappling with market volatility & client demands he has been able to
leave all this 'in the office' while he inspires further bomber victories.
He kindly gave this reporter a few insights into the pressure cooker that
has become his new passion.
''I was lucky enough to miss the tech wrec³ having left Colonial before
the roof motor failed. I just hope that I can bring some of my experience to
my new employer. AFL footballers can make a wider contribution to society,
not just on a Saturday afternoon; you^³ve trusted us with your daughters, now
let us loose on your finances. That said, we are still taking it one day at
a time''
''Learning the new language is the hardest part'', James said.
James kindly allowed us a look at the firm's glossary & book of set plays,
as it has already fallen into opposition hands. One look will explain the
confusion that must be rampant in James' mind.......
* Out of bounds : other adviser's clients
So next time you see no. 5 in the bomber jumper leap into the air after
another big win, remember he still has to play football on the weekend.
Cheers
Henry Gondorff
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 16:14:53 +1000
From: paul russo
The following story appears in Thursday's Sun/Age- the Hun:
ARCTIC PARK COMES IN FROM THE COLD !!!!!!!!
AFL PARK WAVERLY - REDEVELOPMENT PLANS - REPORT LEAKED
In an exclusive report the "Hun" has discovered the AFL's Grand Plan for
Waverly.
Known as the "Grand Final" plan the report includes :
- the housing estate to be known as "Oakley". The current Oakleigh will be
renamed "Jacksonville"
- streets to be named after prominent figures from Waverly's colourful past.
Examples - Angry Anderson Drive
Luke O'Sullivan Crt
Klomp Terrace(location of TV/Video store)
Huddle St
- The AFL plan to use leading edge architectural developments in the design
of homes and streets for the estate. Highlights include :
- all houses to have retractable roofs(designed officially in the
"Colonial" style).
- grass designed in a patchwork green and brown manner to give an authentic
footy stadium feel to the front lawn.(sand is free to all residents)
- To promote healthy living, residents will be required to walk several
kilometres to park their cars in the evening. Additionally no public
transport will be available. No shelters of any kind will be provided.
- Community bonding will be encouraged by the provision of only one exit
out of the estate. This ensures families will spend quality time together
in the car.
- To be more energy efficient street lights will be randomly turned off
every evening.
- Automatic sprinklers will be turned on at the commencement of rainy
periods to enhance the areas natural greenbelt status.
- Security at the estate will be provided by a new security firm called the
"Blue Coat Brigade".
- A community radio network will be piped through the estate. Greatest hits
from the 1991 Grand Final will be broadcast constantly - E.g. Angry
Anderson's immortal version of "You Can't Be Beaten"
From Faction 3366 Paul Russo/John Clements
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 16:45:29 +1000
From: Owen Lalor
HEADLINES FOR WHAT A WEEK IN FOOTBALL
1. "Eddie McGuires roller coaster ride ends up with pie in his face"
As the great world renouned lover Fabio recently experienced so to has the
high profile Collingwood President eddie mcguire. On tuesday, eddie and
the collingwood boys were participating in a team bonding session at luna
park . Whilst halfway thru a ride on the Big Dipper, Eddie was hit fair
and square between the eyes by a low flying magpie. Michael malthouse was
heard to scream "Eddie are you okay" , but eddie with a bloodcovered face
just licked his lips and said "no worries mick i am trying to work on my
fifth chin, in fact i could go another one of those"!
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 16:53:00 +1000 (EST)
From: Kathy Foley
Simon
Entry for this weeks competition
Headlines reads
Carlton president John Elliot signs up with Nicabate
Margaret Gabbedy
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 17:21:31 +1000
From: Bill Cowan
After the perfect round of perfect results, perfect football, perfect
umpiring, perfect on and off field behaviour, the only thing "the Mejia"
could report on is the performance of the opposition "Mejia".
The Herald Sun leading with AGE JOURNOS IN DRUNKEN RAMPAGE IN FLINDERS
STREET! Apparently enraged with the utter boredom of the weekend, Robert
Walls arranged for a group of fellow "Respected Commentators" to
discipline Carolyn Wilson by belting the crap out of her after she
refused to enter their "Size is Important" competition.
Radio Station 3LO claimed that Clinton Grivas had prositiuted himself on
the Alter of Commercial Greed by joining opposition Station, 3AW. Radio
3AW spokesman, Mr. R. Hunt disagreed claiming the boredom of "The Tobin
Brothers" drove the Young Man into the AW camp and threatened to Have
commentator Robert Walls beat the Schienhousen out of them.
Meanwhile Channel Seven has lashed out at Mike Sheahan over his
defection to Rival Station Channel 9. Channel Seven spokesman, Mr. J.
Dunstall revealed Sheahan had been offered a place on the couch for the
life of footy at seven and when he deserted fellow cable TV commentator,
Robert Walls paid him a visit to remind him of the meaning of loyalty
and team commitment. When this failed to change Sheahan's mind, he
arranged a quick 6 rounds of Phys. Ed. with several of the 7 team as a
farewell to their former favourite Son.
The AFL through spokesman W. Jackson said the whole thing was a media
"Beat Up", and refused further comment.
Cheers
Bill Cowan
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 21:40:11 +1000
From: Ian Warren
Following a week of unprecedented controversy where nothing took the focus
off a round of clean skillful football, our own Mike Sheahan has slammed the
AFL and all 16 clubs for a engaging in a premeditated effort of trying to
restore the game to what the fans want.
'No-one knows better than I, what the fans want!' claims Sheahan in our
blockbuster 10 page centrespread. 'For years now, I've been telling it like
it is in my often hard hitting articles. Now what am I supposed to do? Tell
it like it isn't?'
'For too long now, too many people have had it too good, and I'm going to
blow the whistle. This week of silence from all 16 presidents and sensible
administration from the AFL. This round of incident free football. It is
purely an AFL beat up'.
'As you'll see from my controversial and in depth lists contained in the
centrespread, the fans want and need to know - who is the most over rated
president, my list of 50 all time greatest tribunal wrestling fines, the top
20 messages delivered by the runners and not least, the 100 most hard
hitting media exposes on the competition. And I categorically refute the
suggestion that I don't deserve to have the top 75 articles and my paper's
long running dispute with the Age is the reason that only Herald Sun
articles rated a mention'.
'I've heard a rumour that Big Jack Elliott wanted to take me to task over
some of my comments that he had avoided the press this week because of a
requirement to attend AA meetings as opposed to the club asking him to take
a lower profile. And I don't have a problem with that. But surely Big Jack
can come public with it?'
Also in today's big Footy centrespread, make sure to cut out the token and
take it to your newsagent to get a pair of Mike Sheahan's footy glasses.
You'll never see footy the same way again!
Ian Warren
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 22:34:22 +1000
From: Leanne McMahon
WE'RE NOT BORING
Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 01:05:17 +1000
From: Brian Harty
Mark Twain wrote in 1892, "There is no such thing as a no news week in
AFL football." The first time I read those words I was a cadet reporter
at the now defunct Sunday Observer. Now I am the chief sporting editor at
the Herald Sun and those words hold as true now as they did when they
were first penned. Any time a recently retired, high profile
ex-footballer with a bent on making an easy living in the media by
cashing in on his past glories strolls into my office and tells me there
is nothing to write about, I tell him that all he has to do to get ahead
in this game is lie, cheat and steal.
Nothing much ever happens in the football world. The true measure of a
great newspaper man is his ability to, in true Jerry Seinfield fashion,
write a column about nothing. Everything that happens in the football
world is a product of the media. This week I must decide if I should:
cast doubt about the financial viability of a poorly performing club,
speculate on the impending demise of a less than successful coach,
propose ludicrous rule changes, instigate a public slanging match between
2 or more over sensitive, out spoken club presidents, imply Geelong and
the Kangaroos are having secret merger talks, attack excessively high
ticket prices or suggest a renaming and changing of the outdated method
of voting on the Brownlow medal. Like Kevin Sheedy I am in the awkward
yet enviable position of having so many good stories that something that
would probably get a run in another paper is just going to have to miss
out.
In the end I have decided to go with an old favourite that is always sure
to generate plenty of public debate, sell plenty of papers and pump up
one of our own personalities.
Mike Sheehan^³s team d^³jour.
Alan McAlister recalls his 10 greatest lash-outs.
Alan McAlister recalls his next 10 greatest lash-outs.
Story: Sources confirm that, on Thursday, Robert Walls drove his son home
fron training. As they entered their driveway, his son pointed out his pet
turtle who was slowly approaching their car.
Headline: STOP! OR YOU MIGHT KILL HIM!!
Story: Today we revisit Alan McAlister who was at home splashing in his
pool and barbecuing a few sausages with his mate Mick Malthouse.
Headline: MAGPIE EX-CHIEF SPLASHES OUT!!
Subheadline: SNAG IN COACH TALKS!
Headline: SILVIO FOSCHINI - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
Headline: ANNA KOURNIKOVA AND OUR PAT - LOVE MATCH?
New column:
TALKING TACTICS with Denis Pagan
(a no-nonsense approach)
The AFL has forgotten the real reason for Australian Rules Football which is to
give us something to write about on the back page. If this is allowed to
continue clubs will be in danger of losing members and sponsors. The AFL may
even find itself unable to support such a big competion and teams will be
forced to leave. Also big stadiums and night games could become a thing of the
past as they will be too cost prohibitive.
Can you imagine what the competition will be like if this happens.
* No interstate sides
* All games played on Saturday afternoon
* Games played on small suburban grounds
* Games played on small suburban grounds
* Footballers playing for the love of the game
Heaven Forbid!!!!
2. Crashing NASDAQ
3. Plummeting Aussie Dolla
r
4. Woodside uncertainty
5. BHP Merger
......to name a few.
* Handball : finding sub underwriters when not directly in front of goal
* Ball up : when you can^³t get the handball away
* Taking a dive : client Matthew Lloyd going long on the wrong option
series
* Flick pass : telling Collingwood client that Merrills may suit them
better.
* Taking a screamer : non-approved contact with an office girl
* Sneaking one through : placing an order at 15:59
* Martians : futures traders
* Shepherding : getting the flock out of a dud stock before it crashes
* Making a lead : getting set before the pack arrives
* Trainers : Non celebrity advisers
* Waving the jacket (not for rookies) : removing suit coat & slipping it
onto the back of the chair in one movement, after a long lunch at the
Melbourne club.
* Flooding : filling client portfolios with house stocks.
* Chinese walls : like Robert walls, a constant distraction from the main
game.
* SALARY CAP : JUST LIKE AFL, NOT APPLICABLE.
Toorak
League Chief lashes out as attendances fall to an all time low.
AFL Chief Commissioner, Wayne Jackson has denied accusations that the
peace and harmony reigning in AFL ranks are responsible for declining
attendances and a general air of malaise surrounding the game. Echoing
the sentiments of the doyens of media savvy, The Coodabeen Champions,
Jackson released the following statement:
Traditional values are overrated, and it's time we took the game into
the new millennium. No one wants those ugly scenes of the past like Leigh
Matthews breaking goal posts and big Carl breaking heads. We just want to
see the skills of the games on display a la the grand old days of the
West Coast Eagle Eagles(sic) circa 1992 or Essendon circa 2001 (Fletcher
to Wellman to Misiti)
Collingwood supremo Eddie McGuire, having given up media commitments to
avoid a possible conflict of interests blames saturation media coverage
for the decline in the game's popularity. In a radical turnaround from
his days of imposing compulsory media interviews on his team, he has
admitted that ²I thought TV was the be all and end all. Possibly I was
not quite right, although it was fitting at the time.Œ
Continued pg 84