The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Eighteen
You would have noticed during the greatest game of football ever played that the Essendon players were wearing green armbands. It later emerged that these accessories were a political emblem. Now that The Greatest Team of All Time have yet again raised the bar, suggest an armband or similar accessory, with matching cause, for the club of your choice.
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2001 13:27:57 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
gday, i will say the way you read out my entry on sat morning was done
better than the actual entry was, and had a convincing Tim Shaw (aka
Demtel) ring to it, well done.
with the armbands, we could bring religion into footy, the catholics wear
green and the protestants wear orange. this would not only fire players
up a fraction more and encourage a more phyiscally demanding contest, we
could also see a new dimension introduced, making a more exciting, where
players may turn on team mates who happen to have an alternative
religious belief as to theirs, we could see a player running in for goal
to win the game, who for arguments sake is a protestant, and acatholic
team mate, may come across to him, and belt the living tripe out of him,
resulting in a loss to that team, this would be unpredictable, and would
rate right up there and david parkin could never say that is boring.
for the players who enjoy a celebratory beverage once in a while, rather
than sport armbands, they could show their support for a organisation
with a stamp on their hand, the stamp would be from the previousnight
and would be showing support to a choice nightclub/pub/bar/cocktail
lounge/social club of sorts, wherethey may be patron at.
au revoir
go saints,
Julian Toohey
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2001 15:05:27 +1000
From: Stephen Ratcliffe
Fremantle Dockers would benefit from a white armband which would basically
be saying: "We surrender. Play your seconds so the margin won't be so great."
Regards, Stephen Ratcliffe
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2001 23:36:57 +1000
From: Mark Giuliano
St Kilda to wear Nicabate Patches........ after a great year in 1996 when
they were on fire.......... they are now most definitely (in the words of
Jim Carrey)....
"Not Smokin' !!!!!!"
Mark Giuliano
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 09:14:38 +1000
From: Mike H
Simon,
I think teams should have a paisley armband to commemorate the 35th, 40th,
45th etc. anniversary of the release of Sgt. peppers lonely hearts club
band.
Mike Honeychurch
why didn't you read my StKilda advert out last week - if it was because the
others were giving you the hurry up then tell them to take a walk faction
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 09:21:34 +1000
From: Michael Dawson
Hello Simon,
At this time of year, there's a lot of talk
about which players are out of contract at the end of the season,
and which players might be delisted due to salary cap restrictions.
I think players should wear arm bands that show everyone
how they are currently situated.
eg. red arm band = out of contract at the end of the season.
green arm band = may be delisted due to salary cap restrictions.
brown arm band = one year to go on current contract.
yellow arm band = two years to go on current contract.
blue arm band = just signed long term contract.
white arm band = rookie list player.
This would allow recruiting staff and footy fans
to see at a glance which players their club might be
able to draft at the end of the season.
Kind Regards
Peter O'Sullivan
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 10:10:28 +1000
From: Shane Priest
To be read in the voice of the famous ring announcer introducing Geff Fenech
'v's Fighting Harrada
In the tradition of red nose day, I propose that the AFL rename The Queens
Birthday round (in recognition of our inevitable move to a
republic........written spoken and authorised by blah blah blah) to
"Aubergine Day".
Players will be required to wear aubergine arm bands, boots, and matching
piping....and a small aubergine ribbon folded in the shape of a heart
velcroed to the left breast of the guernsey to commemorate those who have
departed the game, and have struggled with life after footy.
Hawthorn will don the garb for Russel Greene.......
Carlton for Kenneth Hunter...
St Kilda for Niky Winmar....
Collingwood for Dessy Tuddenham....
Port Melbourne for Freddie Cook......(in an effort to maintain the charade
that the AFL are interested in the game at the "Grass Roots Level")
Richmond for Maurice Rioli..........
Fremantle and Adelaide for Tony Modra in anticipation of what must surely be
a formality,
And in the same vein, Melbourne, Fitzroy, North Melbourne and Brisbane for
Martin Pike
And in a special gesture,
Geelong will run through an aubergine banner in memory of such waywards as
Mark Jackson, John Sammy Newman and, regretably Gary Ablett
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 10:56:36 +1000
From: Default User
I'm thinking Safeway "red light specials".
I'd like to see Nathan Buckley wearing an armband (or preferable a
headband or a whole outfit) of flashing red lights. That way, any
Collingwood player, even one sniffing snails at the bottom of a pack,
could catch a glimpse of the red lights and thump the ball towards them.
This would ensure that Nathan had the best chance of getting POSSESSION
of the ball which is the only way to ensure that something useful will
be done with it.
regards
jane harris
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 14:19:09 +1100
From: Scott Nash <2150696@students.ballarat.edu.au>
I think Hawthorn should have worne black leather, studded arm bands to
fit in with the Village people theme.
Scott Nash
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 20:06:23 +1000
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Dear Simon,
Tony obviously had a second VFL career he hasn't told us about, apart
from the 32 games for North Melbourne in the late 60s and early 70s. Did
he transfer to Melbourne but fail to crack it for a senior game?
(Probably because of some underlying prejudice about not coming from the
right school.)
The reason I wonder about this is because he mentioned taking a clinic
in Mooroopna. That was in Melbourne's zone. If he had still been with
North, the clinic would have been somewhere in the Ovens and Murray
league area. (Wangaratta, Albury-Wodonga etc.)
Now to the Comp.
Armbands are obviously going to become passe very quickly, just as
"cause" ribbons have been made a compulsory item in all celebrity black
tie attire. On the other hand, something that has been sorely missed
from football since the retirement of Bruce Doull is the headband. Pat
Rafter reintroduced one at Wimbledon, and a smart club would do the
same. Carlton could recognise its historical legacy, both from the
"doormat" and from other high profile club members by having all players
and officials wear headbands of federation blue imprinted with the
Australian coat of arms and surrounded by a barbed wire motif. This
would be in protest against the treatment of all those who have been
harrassed and descriminated against by the National Crime Authority and
the Australian Taxation Office. (There would be plenty of players and
clubs who'd like to get on the ATO protest bandwagon.)
Greg Hoysted
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 09:10:42 +1000
From: Michael Dawson
Hello Simon,
This week, the umpires have again come under close scutiny.
I'd like to suggest an arm band system for umpires
that might help players and spectators alike.
white arm band - just back from a week "umpiring up the bush"
yellow arm band - unlikely to pay blantant high tackle
inside forward 50 during the dying minutes of the game
brown arm band - likely to pay "tiggy touchwood"
holding the ball / holding the man decisions
green arm band - prone to missing obvious free kicks
and trying to even up by plucking out
free kicks that don't actually exist
blue arm band - designated bouncer
red arm band - umpire John Harvey
orange arm band - boundary umpire able to judge
whether a ball has crossed the line
from over 100 metres away
(except in Collingwood Grand Finals)
black arm band - always crucifies Collingwood
Kind Regards
Peter O'Sullivan
peter.osullivan@au.wilsonlog.com
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 12:54:00 +1000
From: Jeffrey Ferguson
Congratulations on the ratings - not!
Richmond - bands should be worn around their necks to indicate their
choking come the end of the season. See you at 9th again!
Collingwood - Black arm bands to signify the death of their abilty to
play in July.
Essendon - copper bracelets to help protect their older players from
arthritis.
Sydney - solid gold arm bands to signify the world's greatest city (pink
during mardi gras week)
Bulldogs - a muzzle
St Kilda - a ball and chain attached to their coach so that they don't
lose another one!
Brisbane - Ansett luggage tags around their arms to remind them of which
state they are in.
Carlton - Blue arm bands - Because Jack said so!
Kangaroos - Each player has a tattoo reading 'If found, please return to
Melbourne (crossed out), Sydney (crossed out) Canberra
Freo/West Coast - Arm bands advertising a 1800 number for a self help
clinic
Last one for the year - enjoy
Jeffrey Ferguson
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 07:07:43
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
Players from all clubs should wear colour-coded armbands (except Freo who
should stick to black because it's slimming).
Each player's armband should reflect their footy ability in the eyes of Mike
Sheahan.
For intuitivity's sake, the colour scheme should be similar to cuisenaire
rods.
ie. Mike's top ten percentile wears orange, 90th percentile navy blue, 80th
percentile brown, and so on.
This would enable commentators to instantly judge the prospects of any
forward thrust.
Eg.
Walls: I don't like Melbourne's chances, Bruce. Essendon has two blues
and on orange down there, to Melbourne's three dark greens.
McAvanay: Yes, you just get the feeling the next orange kick'll be very
important..
Also, with the world going nuts over Aussie Rules, thanks to CNN's coverage
of Moorcroft's mark*, foreigners won't need to know the players to be able
to appreciate the spectacle of a pink baulking a black and brown to goal
from 50.
And it allows easy rules-tweaking to even up the comp.
Eg.
regards,
Stuart McArthur
* note: 3rd attempt in my now desperate bid to get my CNN gag up
Also Simon, well done for picking the start of the end for the Bombers. So, given Geelong has the easier draw, can Essendon make the finals?
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 18:37:11 +1000
From: Michele Blight
Dear Simon,
My suggestions are as follows:
Silver armband to be worn by Fremantle on the occasion of their 25th loss
in a row.
Yellow armband to be worn by West Coast Eagles when they play
Collingwood.to plead with Mick Malthouse to come home (a la Tie a yellow
ribbon round the old oak tree)
Finally St Kilda, who will not be wearing a ribbon. Rather they will have
"PASSOUT" stamped on their hands so they can re-enter the ground after
leaving for a drink and a smoke at half time.
Michele Blight
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 18:59:56 +1000
From: peter gordon
Dear Coodabeens,
New AFL General Manager ROSS McLEAN, in
keeping with his election platform of bringing the passion and spectator
involvement back into football,plus demonstrating the ability to dish
out BLAME to all and sundry,has issued new guidelines for the wearing of
armbands-they will henceforth be worn as punishment , a fabric "crown of
thorns" around the bicep to indicate "conduct unbecoming and prejudicial
to the AFL"-this band of shame, for evermore to be known as a"Waverley"
because of the scandal, controversy and anguish it has caused the AFL,
will be awarded weekly to individual players, or where appropriate clubs,
or even media scribes!
The weekly WAVERLEY will be nominated on
club websites, and all nominations will be made for abbhorent, stupid, or
slack behaviour, with candidates or clubs put up for supportersto vote
for. All WAVERLEYS will be named after ELITE MEN AND WOMEN from the
sporting world who have demonstrated similar poor and/or stupid
behaviour. The player or club polling the most votes, and creating the
most angst, will have the WAVERLEY taped around his arm at a special
ceremony before each game, with fans roaring their abuse and vitriol at
the player(s) for the entire game, or at least until they have absolved
themselves of guilt by doing something noble or heroic.The player or club
nominated to wear the weekly WAVERLEY in 2002 will be announced on
Channel 7's "The Game" every Friday Night, with ! compere JOHN DEEKS and
assistant PETER McKENNA,their media recruit from Channel 9, introducing
Mr. McLean, who will make the announcement to the expectant media
andsupporter groups.
Crowds are expected to flock to the
venues to pour public scorn and humiliation on the recipients-what better
way to bring PASSION back to the terraces and corporate boxes! Some
suggested WAVERLEYS might be: I haven't had an entry read out since 1991 (I think), so
please please give me a go here "to mark the anniversary"
Sincerely, PETER GORDON
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 19:27:06 +1000
From: Mike H
Simon,
How about making the ladder leaders wear yellow armbands (or yellow
jumpers)?
Mike Honeychurch
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 22:20:22 +1000
From: mitchy babe skelly
Dear Coodabeens,
a tough question this week, I had a few ideas about
players wearing things for different causes, some included a Geelong
player changing his name to wiskas, the I realised that had been done,
changing the blue of carltons jumper for a confectionary company, also
done, wearing a orange jumper for a telecomunications company, ohh the
AAA Kangeroos did that didn't they!....
oh well im stuffed
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 22:46:22 +1000
From: Cheryl Critchley
Howdy, here's a few suggestions for player accessories:
Cheryl Critchley.
PS As an aside, I was wondering if serial competition enterer Stuart
McArthur is or was a high school teacher. If so he taught some of my
mates at Croydon High School in the early 1980s and was a bit of a
groover - he once took us to a night match at Waverley. He was also
famous for inventing an upside down map of the world which had Australia
on the top.
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 15:06:42 +1000
From: Michael Dawson
Hi Simon,
The recent Tour de France provides the
inspiration for this suggestion.
The team on top of the ladder
could wear the leaders yellow jersey
over their jumpers
The team that has improved most since last year
could wear the king of the mountain polka dot jersey
over their jumpers
The team that wins the most first quarters
could wear the sprinters green jersey
over their jumpers
Kind Regards
peter.osullivan@au.wilsonlog.com
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 14:02:43 +1000
From: paul russo
Dear Simon,
John and I were cursing you last week when you failed to mention our entry
for the Saints new coach ad. When I got to work Monday I discovered that
the e-mail for some reason had been sent back, so naturally you did not see
it. So from Faction 3366 we apologise for all the terrible things we said
about you. Keep up the good work. Here is our entry for this week along
with an attachment which is our entry from last week which you may find
amusing.. ho, ho, ho.
ARMBANDS : St Kilda - red, white and black - so they know who is on their
team and who to handball and kick to.
: Swans - rainbow - in support of the Gay and Lesbian
community. The
players will enter the ground on a float and wear sashes in their warm up.
>From Faction3366 - Paul Russo/John Clements
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 14:14:17 +1000
From: Bill Hall
Armbands by Richard "where's my chocolate footy" Hall
St Kilda players to be presented with a black armband for every coach
they have had a hand in getting sacked - certain players' arms to be
entirely encased in black electrical tape.
Wayne Campbellto sport a spiked leather armband to acknowledge the
unlikely role of AFL tough-guy which he has adopted since being made
captain of the Tigers.
At Graham McMahon's instigation, Essendon players will wear special
skin-toned armbands made from the flesh of board members of 'poorly
managed' clubs. "It's all those wackers are good for," said McMahon, as
he unveiled the Bombers' proposal for a revamped AFL, which will see the
number of teams reduced to just four: Essendon A, Essendon B, Essendon C
and Essendon D.
Ben Cousinsto wear anarmband which for some reason resembles a series
of needle marks running the length of his inner arm.
Theamount of Eddie McGuire's bank balance, rounded down to the nearest
dollar, will be ceremonially written out in (24 karat) gold ink on a
length of black silk. This will be cut into suitably sized strips and
worn as armbands by the Collingwood team, as a tribute to McGuire immense
wealth and general fabulousness.
Hawthorn players will celebrate their clubs 'family-oriented' image
bywearing armbands featuring the legend "Hawthorn: the family club." In
keeping with the family theme, these armbands will be madeby members of
the Vo family - Duc, 9, Tran, 7, and little Li, aged 4 and a half. Hawk
fans can purchase their own armbands, but hurry, only 50,000 will be
made.
Geelong are to wear blue and white armbands to celebrate their club's
proud history. The armbands will also feature the Ford logo, paying
tribute to the Football Club's long and fruitful associtation with that
manufacturer. Media personality John "Sam" Newman has lambasted the
armbands, claiming that they are vastly inferior to the armbands which he
himself wore in his playing days.
The Dockers may or may not be unveiling new armbands this weekend. The
armbands could possibly be orange in colour, but what this signifies is
anyone's guess. If they are in fact orange. They might not be. Again,
chances are they won't be wearing any armbands at all. We'll just have to
wait and see.
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 14:31:40 +1100
From: Paul Hughes
Dear Coodabeens,
I was thinking about making up an idea for your competition, when
something bizarre happened during the week. I "received" a document
under the door of my hotel room, and it seems that you, and your
entrants, have been beaten to the punch.
Sincerely,
Date 30th July 2000
To: The Chairman.
Essendon Football Club.
Dear Graeme,
First I must say commiserations on the loss on the weekend. I'm sure
the boys will bounce back.
However to matters at hand. I must say the green arm band experiment
was a triumph.
We put into place all the necessary criteria for 'Operation
Cowboy71', and were very happy at HQ.
I have compiled a full report in point form, and trust it will
provide yourself and your administrative team with some very good
news.
1 - No one picked up the bar codes on the bands. A necessary risk to
take, yet accompanied with a good result.
2 - The infra-red remotes, given to your own 'men on the ground'
worked perfectly. Even from the stands furthest back, each device
could scan.
We are now certain that we could implement this plan, so that in
conjunction with the viewers at home, supporters at the ground will
be able to vote players off, Big-brother style.
All the clubs are in agreement, and willing to go ahead.
Little do they know of Sheeds' very own plan! What a genius. I can
see it now - you buying up the 30,000 memberships of your grand final
opponents, and to their surprise, their "own fans" voting off say -
Koutafides.
Glad to say you can now be assured.
Essendon will bePremiers in 2001.
Yours sincerely,
PS. Sorry about the slip up against in Round 16. It will not happen again.
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 15:24:12 +1000
From: Jac & Pete
From next season players and spectators will have a greater understanding
of umpiring decisions through the use of COLOURED ARMBANDS. Colours to
be worn include:
1. GOLD To be worn by 2 players from each team, as chosen by the
umpires prior to the game. These players will be the umpires' "golden
boys" for the game and all decisions made will favour them. Obvious
examples are James Hird and Matthew Lloyd.
2. WHITE (with pictures of umpires surronded by red circles with a
red diagonal line through it).
To be worn by 3 players per team (4 in Melbourne's case) and chosen by
the umpires. These players will not receive a free kick during the
match. Obvious examples are any player with first name David or Jeff
playing for Melbourne, or any player (at any club) with the name Nathan
Brown.
New Rule
Should one of the white armband players come within 2 metres of an
opposition club 'golden boy' an immediate free kick will be awarded to
the 'golden boy'. This will decrease disputed decisions, although the
umpires' interpretation of 2 metres may often be questioned with the call
'how far?'
3. CLUB COLOURS
Umpires will wear armbands in the club colours of the team they will
favour each quarter. Armbands can be changed at each break. Both clubs
must have at least 1 field umpire and either a goal or boundary umpire
wearing their armband.
So that the tradition is not broken, John Harvey and Hayden Kennedy will
NOT have to wear Melbourne armbands.
PS - Simon - surprisingly we are Melbourne supporters but we have decided
to call ourselves the Free Freo Faction because we've been playing well
in this competition but are YET TO WIN. Time is running out and the fact
that we're doing well without winning is of cold comfort to us!
Pete of 'Jac and Pete'
I think that all players should wear fuchsia coloured armbands with
matching fuchsia headbands. The reason - just to pretty things up for
all us wives who are dragged along to the footy every week by our
husbands who are (worryingly) obsessed with a group of guys half their
age running around in the mud after an odd shaped ball in an attempt to
kick it through two big white sticks.
Jac of 'Jac and Pete'
PS - Can we come into the studio and help with the program some time -
as you can see both possess an extremely intelligent wit!
Jac and Pete Kilgour
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 16:25:28 +1000
From: Matt Cronin
Dear Simon,
I feel the following armband colours are most suitable for the AFL clubs.
AAA Kangaroos - Purple - The sign of royalty and applicable until No. 18
leaves, after that they could revert to "Teal" in memory of "The Duck"
Adelaide - White - A sign of purity from the city of churches and apt for a
team/city that believes it never does anything wrong
Brisbane - Tan - To match the sun tanned arms
Carlton - M&M Blue - To give the nickname "Blues" some sense of reason, what
is a "Blue" anyway? If oranges are called oranges, why aren't grapefruits
called yellows?
Collingwood - Silver - Everybody loves to see them come second
Essendon - Green - Not for the environment, but to keep the Martians happy
Fremantle (1) - Lemon - Every competition has a lemon. This colour armband
could be awarded every year in addition to the wooden spoon with the
"winning" team having to endure it for the next season
Fremantle (2) - Technicolour -Joseph had a technicolour dream coat, a dream
is their best chance
Geelong - Amber - When approaching an intersection and the light changes to
amber indecision follows, what better colour to represent Geelong
Hawthorn - Royal Blue - We all know that blue goes so well with brown and
gold!!
Melbourne - Claret - When the team isn't doing well, the memory of a good
claret will soothe the furrowed brow
Port Adelaide - Cream - Really just off white, given purity cannot be given
to anything that has had any association with the colours black and white
Richmond - Musk - Like the sticks of the same name, you never know if they
are going to be hard or soft
St Kilda - Red - They have blood on their hands, why not on their arms
Sydney - Pink - Mardi Gras by city, Mardi Gras by nature
West Coast - Brown - If you play like it, you might as well look like it
Western Bulldogs - Yellow - Tie a yellow ribbon round the upper arm, it's
been 50 odd years, a flag would do no harm
Matt Cronin
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 06:33:09 +0000
From: Travis Bull
Melbourne would tie a yo-yo string around there arm to commemorate there
last 4 seasons boom boom
At the Sydney Essendon match they could commemorate a sydney - Essendon
legend Ben Doohlan by wearing commemorative dental floss around there arms,
in memory of his teeth that went missing at windy hill
The brisbane team could wrap a commemorative oxygen mask around their arms
to remember one of there founders Christopher Skase
When Sydney plays Brisbane they could wear a white armband but a very very
very tight fitting arm band obviously in honor of there champion full
forward Mr W Capper
The game after Barnesy retires perhaps Essendon could wear the plastic rings
that hold a six pack of beer together, to honor his now famous binge at the
end of last year. Come to think of it, richmond, carlton, st kilda and the
doggies could use this one.
Travis Bull
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 17:44:00 +1000
From: thekings
Dear Simon,
The black and white armband will forever become the
symbol for the team or player whose warcry has become "IT SHOULDA BEEN
ME"
A few examples: 1966 - Collingwood F.C. - beaten by 1 point in the G.F.
1970 - Collingwood F.C. - beaten by 1unknown
in the G.F.
1977 - Collingwood F.C. - beaten by a very
biased wig wearer who just didn't like white boots on a manBEFORE the
G.F.!!
1977 - Same game, same team. Phil Manassa, Why
wasn't this in a winning team??
1979 - Collingwood F.C. beaten by 1 myopic
boundary umpire in the G.F.
1980 - Collingwood F.C. beaten by 1 deaf white
mongrel in the p.m. G.F.
1980 - Collingwood F.C. beaten by 2 whisps of
hair on 1 balding pate in the G.F.
The 80's - any player not picked up by
C.F.C. , paid an exhorbitant amount of money to sign on and then played a
minimal amount of football whilst still being idolised. ( Butch Edwards,
David Young et al excluded).
1997 onwards No. 5 being beaten in every
Charlie by glamour boys and receivers.
2001 - Chrissy Tarrant beaten by an under 10
player for the Mark of the year.
Sorry Simon. I can't go on. Once a level-headed football supporter, I
think thisentry has made me bitter and twisted!
Cheers,
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 17:00:31 +1000
From: Ross Morton
The scuttlebut in the Corridors of Power, gleaned surrepticiously from
some not inconsiderable Men in Suits, is that ....
.... the St. Kilda Football Club will be taking to the field next week
sporting Amber coloured armbands to highlight a cause very close to all
the players' hearts ....
STOP INAPPROPRIATE DEVELOPMENTS
SAVE THE ESPY!!!!
Andrew McDonald
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 20:00:18 +1000
From: Brian Pitcher
Dear Simon
This is my maiden entry in Simon^³s Competition, so I can not open with
the traditional criticism of your treatment of my previous entries.
In fact having listened to the Coodabeens since your ^²community radio^Œ
days, I have continually marvelled at your tact, discretion and judgement
in adjudicating the high quality entries. The standard of entries from
your regular correspondents has been so intimidating that I have been
reluctant to offer my own ideas until now.
However I have decided to make a debut in this weeks ^²black arm band
view of football^Œ competition. It would be very kind of you to ^²allow
me to get a kick^Πwith my first entry by at least mentioning my attempt.
The Leader^³s Coloured Arm Band System
I think the League should institute a coloured armband system modelled on
the coloured guernsey system used in the Tour de France.
The team that is judged by a group of AFL mathematicians and accrual
accountants as the ^²leader^Œ in their class gets to wear the coloured
armbands in that class into the next week^³s game.
For example Essendon would wear the ^²Yellow^³ arm band for this week
because they are ladder leaders. The yellow arm band concept would add a
whole new area of bragging for those clubs (like Collingwood) that spend
the whole year on the top of the ladder but then flop in the finals. Of
course we would have to deal with Essendon supporters who would keep
telling you that they have been wearing the yellow armband for the last
174 weeks.
The ^²green^Œ sprinter^³s armband would be worn by the club that improved
its position on the ladder relative to their final position on the ladder
in the previous year. Not being a mathematician I cant be sure who this
is but I think it would be Port Adelaide; and, a clash between
Collingwood and Port Adelaide could be marketed as the clash to determine
who has the right to wear the green arm band
I think there is a ^²purple^Œ arm band for the hill climb section of the
tour. So the AFL could award a purple arm band to the side with the
highest current ladder position relative to the average body fat
percentage of the senior list players. Even though they are running last
on the ladder I think Fremantle would currently have this honour (and the
colour matches their jumper).
A ^²red^Œ arm band could be instituted to give some incentive to
struggling Victorian clubs. The red arm band would be worn by the club
with the highest ladder position relative to the financial loss reported
by the club in the previous financial year. Allegedly the aaa Kangeroos.
If this concept kicks off the AFL (which is only interested in making
money) could generate sponsors income by selling naming rights for
armbands to corporations. For example the ^²Fosters group^Œ armband could
be worn by the team with the highest ladder position relative to their
^²worst football culture^Œ index as determined by a panel of recently
sacked coaches.
^²Anyway you get the idea!^Œ
I should add that if this idea was adopted by the AFL it would have the
added advantage of getting some of the blokes in suits out of the
changing room and back in their offices studying their body fat averages
charts where they belong.
I believe this entry sufficiently reflects Coodabeens^³ core values of
hammering stereotypes and repeating old jokes to at least rate ^²it was a
good entry^Πcomment. If you need any help working out the mathematical
formulas inherent in this entry perhaps you can ask Tony to explain them
to you.
Yours sincerely
Brian ^²the rookie^Œ Pitcher
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 20:10:34 +1000
From: Maree
Dear Simon,
I think Essendon should support Amnesty International because they are
so good at escaping penalty when they^³re reported they may be able to
help a political prisoner or two. To show their support they should
wear the barbed wire from the Amnesty logo as armbands (just because us
opposition supporters want to see them in pain). Matthew Lloyd could
wear his as a headband (ala a Crown of Thorns) because the Essendon
supporters think he is crucified each week (although I am yet to see
it).
Other clubs and the causes they should support:
St Kilda ^÷ Make a Wish Foundation
Fremantle ^÷ Forty Hour Famine
Hawthorn ^÷ Crop a Cop
Footscray ^÷ Volunteering Victoria
Richmond ^÷ The Australian Drug Foundation
Carlton ^÷ Foundation for Aged Care
Geelong ^÷ Heart Research Institute
North Melbourne ^÷ Quest for Life
Collingwood ^÷ Boys Town
Crows - Brain Foundation (for their supporters)
Brisbane - Free the Bears Fund
The Umpires ^÷ The Deaf Blind Association of Australia
(All of the above causes actually do exist!).
Maree from Brunswick
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 21:30:04 +1000
From: Darrell Nash
Breaking new ground with armbands we could see:
Players - wear onered (the colour of the clubs balance sheet)band for
each $100,000 in their yearly contract (number 18 for theKangaroos has
been doing this on his shoulder). The fans could then have a new
dimension in bagging those out on the paddock for not performing up to
expectations.
Coach's - wear one brown (bullshit)for every time the club president has
come out stating their full support of their long term tenure.
Manager - a gold chain for each player they have priced out of the market
and sent to another club and ending their career.
The President - a black & white one for each time they are quoted as
'hitting out' and getting votes for the McCallister trophy.
The Fans' - monogrammed bands from
-green with VB cans (not light beer in plastic cups)
-Saturday afternoon
-Pies & Chips (not baguettes and fries)
-home grounds (not pre purchased tickets).
The Clubs -
Bulldogs - Lost Dogs Home
Geelong - The McClelland Trophy
Dockers - Depression
Sydney - Swans of Albert Park
Brisbane -Deep Vein Thrombosis (travelling to MCG)
Essendon - Pscyzophrenia (Sheeds)
St Kilda - Disco
Carlton - Exilled Entrepenuers
Richmond - 9 9 9
West Coast - Landmines (Subiaco Oval)
Adelaide - Wine Tax
Pt Adelaide - wrapped in the pre season flag
Kangaroos - Endangered Species
Melbourne - Yo-Yo's (up & down)
Hawthorn - Heart Foundation (Schwabby)
Collingwood - Eddie Inc.
Darrell Nash
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 23:39:11 +1000
From: Doug Long
DEAR SIMON,
Nearly every week when you announce the winner, we hear, "I DON’T
THINK Fred Bloggs has won this year". Just in case you’re wondering,
I haven’t won this year, but would like to. One or two more weeks of
good-natured digs at you will follow, then I may resort to congratulating
you on the ratings!
As the black armbands have always been a solemn thing, it should not
degenerate into crass commercialism.
The Dogs could wear the BROWN armbands to represent how DIRTY they are
about injustice in the world.
Each player could wear an armband with a name of a victim of injustice on
it.
At the breaks in play, the big scoreboard could run the stories. First a
close-up of the name on the armband; then zoom out to the player who
speaks a few words about the name.
Names they could go with would be: Nero, Chamberlain, Blight, Smith,
Brown and others.
Here is how it would work
Big Screen shows "Nero" on an armband.
Zoom out to Jose Romero who says:
Now Nero was a musician, not a fireman. Why not blame the fire chief
rather than poor old Nero. At least the Romans could hear beautiful music
while their houses were being destroyed.
Big Screen shows "Chamberlain"
Zoom out to Braddie Johnson who discusses Lindy Chamberlain.
Not such a great move here as it took about 100 takes for him to do it
without that boyish cheesy grin detracting from the tragedy of
Lindy’s plight.
Big Screen shows "Smith"
Zoom out to Rohan Smith
Rohan: Mark (remember Gilligan) Smith definitely got the most laughs with
his Gilligan comp entry a few weeks ago. Nobody is denying the official
winning entry had some merit… . But, REALLY SIMON!
Big Screen shows "Women"
Zoom out to the least known player in the team.
He says, "Well, women in every society have been down-trodden and
degraded.
For example, where could you find a bloke who would give up a day at the
Footy with his buddy
to look after the kids while his wife worked? Yes. women have it tough!
It’s a shame, really, that nothing can be done."
Player stares blankly at the camera crew for a few seconds and then walks
off.
Big Screen shows "Brown"
Zoom out to Nathan Brown
Nathan: Now, I’m not usually one to complain; but when the MOST
UNBAISED CALLER IN THE LAND (and fierce campaigner for justice) is forced
against his will to STORM OUT OF THE COODABEENS STUDIO, something is
obviously wrong.
Big Screen shows "Blighty"
Zoom out to Libba
Well Blighty!; you have had your great moments. But this year life has
been tough for you! The word that sums up your year is "INJURY". Yes,
Michelle Blight– Coodabeens comp entrant– how it must have hurt
to have your wonderful humour attributed to someone else.
But remember, Simon is not perfect! Why, just this year, he admitted to
fallibility. So, be like me and don’t give up!
Big Screen shows "Burns"
Zoom out to Scottie West
Scottie: Scottie Burns has had it tough. He has going along brilliantly a
year or so ago. But then, without notice, a Channel Seven sports
commentator referred to him as "Scott". I can only imagine how
devastating this must have been. Naturally, his form, fitness and
confidence took a dive.
Scottie Burns will always be "Scottie" to me.
This idea would help mankind as those watching would be inspired to make
the world a "juster" place.
Doug Long.
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 10:11:44 EDT
From: JLiney@aol.com
Hi Simon,
I have two suggestions suitable for the DEES ...
- white ermine armbands worn to signify the first real DUMP OF SNOW of the
season and of course, so suitable for the aristocrats of the game;
- tartan armbands (to match one's knee rug) bespoke by Henry Bucks and
trimmed by leather patches (to match one's houndtooth jacket) - these need
not be kept just for special occasions Simon, but could be trotted out just
about ANYTIME as a "position statement" a la advertising;
I love your show.
Cheers & Go Dees
Jill Liney
(Armadale, Vic)
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 09:05:02 +1000
From: "Anniss, Angela (VIC)"
Hawk's coach Peter Shwab's health scare was diagnosed as arrhythmia
(Irregular heart beat). The Hawks, keen to protect coach and players in
future, could adapt the humble armband to incorporate remote pulse rate
electrodes on the inside of the armband. These could detect any
abnormalities in heart rate of the coach and players during the game. All
armbands would be remotely linked to an ECG machine (Electrocardiograph) in
the coach's box. These would be monitored by the new club doctor (open heart
surgeon). Shwab's assistant coaches would be replaced with 3rd year medical
students, trainers and runners replaced by nurses. Quarter time cut up
oranges would be substituted by angina tablets and anticoagulants. At half
time, blood pressure tests and adjustments on any pacemakers could be
carried out.
This approach may catch on with other clubs, however the top two
sides Essendon- who are all heart and Brisbane- who are Lion hearted and the
bottom two sides Freo and West Coast both with no heart at all need not use
this technology.
Steve and Angela Anniss
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 11:59:03 +1000
From: KyselaO
Simon
1) Yellow Arm Bands
Leveraging of the Tour de France, to be worn by the team who enters each
round on top of the ladder to simulate the leader's jersey. Essendon
players issued with a role of yellow insulation tape each at the start of
the season.
2) Green Arm Bands
Again inspired by the Tour de France, to be worn by the team with the
highest aggregate points and % over the first 5 rounds of the season, and
the last 5 rounds of the season, akin to the sprinter's jersey earned on
both sides of the mountain. Likely candidates would be Geelong (heading to
the mountain) and Hawthorn (coming down the mountain).
3) Police Blue and White Check Arm Bands
Worn by players who infringed with the constabulary during the week. Extra
deliveries required down to Moorabbin.
4) Red Arm Bands
What better way for a club to advertise which players are on sale and up for
trade at marked down prices.
Oliver Kysela
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 11:59:25 +1000
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
Rather than picking colours for armbands I have opted to pick different
materials that best reflect the club involved.
AAA Kangaroos :- Video Tape, "Inspirational" tapes would be plentiful if
they move to Canberra
Adelaide :- Fur, originally fashionable and welcomed, but now condemmed and
hated
Brisbane :- Terry Towelling, doubles as a sweat band on hot days
arlton :- Clear plastic ring from a "six pack" of beer, some players would
have a good supply
Collingwood :- Newsprint, most suitable for the most media hungry club
Essendon :- "Matted" Grass, Lloyd would then be able to pluck grass from his
arm when kicking for goal
Fremantle :- Wood, fashioned into the shape of a spoon
Geelong :- String, its handy, everybody likes it, it shows potential, but it
never quite does the job
Hawthorn :- Aluminium foil, also comes in handy for tinting the hair
Melbourne :- Tweed with leather patches
Port Adelaide :- Lace, seductive, alluring and promises something exotic,
but will it cope under pressure
Richmond :- Cardboard, sometimes it is strong, sometimes it just folds
St Kilda :- Hessian, sacks are made from hessian
Sydney :- Lycra, colour can be changed as often as the fashion, support or
mood of all Sydneysiders
West Coast :- Crepe Bandages, why not bandaged them before they get injured
Western Bulldogs :- Bark, thats what dogs do
Peter "Trash" Treseder
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 12:36:10 +1000
From: Keith Payne
Hawthorn players could wear a white armband. It doesn't represent anything.
But for them it would be a fashion statement.
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 13:43:34 +1000
From: Darren Brookes
Simon, I propose that it need not be the players who wear the armbands
but the UMPIRES. Due to the precedent set by one "Andrew Coates" last
week where he missed a blatant free-kick in front of goal I propose that
the umpires should wear armbands in the color-style of learning karate.
1. All new umpires should wear white armbands so when they pay a
decision you can comment "he's new, he doesn't know what he's doing"
2. Umpires get continually graded during the season, 10 games in a row
earns you a blackbelt.
3. If Geishen decides during the week that the "badfreekick-ometer" was
over 5 and gives the same umpire another game the following week, he is
designated with a red armband as it not allowed to umpire in either 50m
arc all day. He must run the centre zone to avoid another "incident".
4. If your game gets mentioned in the paper the following Monday with
something like "dubious free-kicks were paid" you get demoted a color.
This system allows supporters to have some idea of the
"badfreekick-ometer" potential of an umpire when the game is tight. If
you are 3 points down with 1 minute to go, players should be aware to
kick it to where this umpire aint.
Darren Brookes
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 16:10:13 +1000
From: Craig Duncan
I suggest that the Sydney wear those rainbow coloured arm bands, you know
the type that you find on canopies on various pubs in the Richmond and
Prahan areas and on the back of small 2 door vechicles driven by men with
mostaches. These could be worn on the weekend of the Mardi Gras. This
should translate to huge gate takings as all the visitors to Sydney for
this event will embrace the Swans as thier 'gay freindly' football team,
also suggest in the interests of harmony that this might not be a good
weekend for a past players function.
Craig Duncan
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 21:39:22 +1000
From: Matt Laing
Hi Simon and Coodabeens.
Perhaps it wasn't a political statement by the Bombers after all. It was
actually aİmessage to Ron Barrassi. Remember when he asked the North
players in the 70's "As long as you blokes are GREEN and not
Yellow...that's all I'm interested in." (remember Tony) The Bombers were
just letting Barrass know that they aren't yellow.
Matty LAing
Yarra Valley Old Boys
P.S. Hey Champs, isn't it good to finally see SANFL footy on the
television in Victoria at last. Alright, it might only be on a Pizza
Haven advertisement but at least it's a start. (no South Adelaide players
though)
i must also show sorrow for the bloke who wrote in saying in 20 years he
hasn't won yet, if that is the sort of apprenticeship which must be
served to win, i will be at least 38 before i win. oh well
Gisborne Victoria
1. the bench-a-blue rule - If a side gets 5 goals in front, then one of
its players of blue or greater standing must be benched.
2. to encourage teams to blood rookies, if a goal is kicked by a light
green or less: nine points
3. to simplify tribunal suspensions, if a yellow(5) decks a brown(8) he
gets 3 weeks, ie. 8 minus 5. - putting an end to hitman (ala Yeates/Dermie)
style offences.
*DALE KICKETT- The MILES BYRNE WAVERLEY(Too many clubs)
*GAVIN WANGANEEN- The DON KING WAVERLEY (Over-acting)
*GARY AYRES- The PIVOTONIANS (GFC) WAVERLEY (Too many broken
hearts and careers)
*MALCOLM BLIGHT- The PETRIA THOMAS WAVERLEY(Invited to jump
too early)
*ANDREW DUNKLEY- The MARK BOSNICH WAVERLEY (Defender always
injured with poor kicking skills)
*ADAM HEUSKES- The DENISRODMAN WAVERLEY(Cross dresser and
eccentric character-not tolerated!!!)
*FREMANTLE DOCKERS- The VODAPHONE WAVERLEY(Refer England
TestXI)
*MELBOURNE F.C.- The EDDIE THE EAGLE WAVERLEY(Aimed too
high, fell too quickly), and FINALLY!!!!!!!!
*BRUCE McAVANEY-The JOHN NEWCOMBE WAVERLEY(Ashameless,
outrageous performance in single handedly attempting to talk up, cajole,
implore and plead with Matthew Richardson to lift his game against the
Bulldogs last Friday night)
* ANY AFL PLAYER- The MODRA WAVERLEY(Getting tired and
emotional at an inappropriate time and place)
St Kilda players could wear brandy flasks like those ones St Bernard's
wear around their necks in the snow to save them having to go out and
get drunk after the game.
North players could carry little begging tins and try to raise a bit of
cash from the crowd at quarter time.
Hawthorn players could wear pantyhose as a tribute to Don Scott.
Adelaide players could wear paper bags over the heads out of respect for
those offended by their extremely ugly mugs.
And finally when needed all players could wear string arm bands so they
don't forget to buy bread and milk on the way home.
Go Tigers,
Peter O'Sullivan
Gisborne Victoria
Paul Hughes
____________________________________________
Wayne.
Kingy from Kilsyth