Talking Tactics, no jokes

The Coodabeen Champions Competition

Round Eleven

Flooding, the huddle, the zone...the world of tactics. You are hosting Simon's dream TV show, "Talking Tactics, no jokes, ALL serious". For this week's competition talk us through your whiteboard presentation of your newest tactical innovation. And gain extra points on the way through by coming up with a better name for the show...

Send your entries to competition@coodabeens.com.au

Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 14:48:56 +1000 From: Julian Toohey

gday, glad to have an entry read out again on air, and as soon as this weeks competition was read out, i washurtfully taken back to the game between essendon and stkilda, the previous night. the tactic which i think has been disguised from the medjia or hasn't been brought to their attention is the tactic called the

"Tony Delany Grenade"

this tactic is employed by the following clubs... adelaide, brisbane, carlton, collingwood, essendon, footscray, fremantle, geelong, hawthorn, melbourne, north melbourne, port adelaide, richmond, sydney, west coast.

this tactic involves the opposition of stkilda, delivering the ball to tony delany, he will then hold the ball for about the life of a grenade without its pin, then after 10 seconds, he will then'EXPLODE' with stupidity and inability, and kick the ball ten metres to the opposition who then proceed to kickcopius amounts of goals.

To combat this tactic, stkilda's noble bards have thought up a nifty little plan, called the 'keepings off delany', avoid him win games, simple.

it might be irrational of me to use delany as an example, but every follower has one player who they feel does the wrong thing every week, mind you he does set up a few goals each week, only problem is that they are for the opposition....

i think the following slogan is appropriate, its what essendon reject (delany) that makes essendon the best....

GO SAINTS
Julian Toohey

Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 23:32:35 +1000 From: Sue Hoysted

Hello and welcome to our new analysis show SPARTAK PRAVDA. (The club presidents are always accusing the AFL of being a socialist organisation, so why not call a new show after an old Russian football team and a notoriouslyn unreliable news organisation? On the show, AFL officials and the coaches can collude to give further disinformation to the public.)

Tonight our special guest, former AAA and now Docker (controversial!) coach Dennis Pagan will outline his new ploy for creating success out west.

DENNIS I call this tactic the blanket. I will draft Mick Nolan, Brian Roberts and Billy Brownless and ask each of them to stand in front of an umpire during play. As a result, no umpire will be able to see what's happening and we won't get any more bad decisions against us. This tactic will also get us on side with the umpires by reducing collisions between players and umpires. No one will be able to get near them with these guys around.
Greg Hoysted.

Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 12:05:37 +1000 From: Gary bourke

I would like to present a tactic which is used extensively in country football especially in the shirtees or what is sometimes called "the magoos"

The tactic is BUILD THE WALL or better known as "DOING A BERLIN"

You're two goals up in the last quarter five minutes to go

Every player over 5'6" lines up across the half back line, arms in the air, forming a human version of the Berlin Wall : any one or thing trying to over the wall will be shot !!

Of course the rovers are behind the wall ready to snipe any one unlucky enough to get past.

An AFL addition :

The trainers, water boys and the brown /blue/black shirts who secretly barrack for us form a final line of defence in a sweeping arc around the boundary line from left back pocket to right back pocket

If any opposition player avoids the rovers and is heading towards the goals with the ball , the trainers etc all run on to the ground yelling " The siren the siren, its all over we've won We've won !! Bluey as Head Trainer you take out the opposition player with the water bottle just in case.

Some possible names for the new show :

Chess with a ball : The Thinking Man's Game

Cerebrum Footy

Serious Simon Saves the Game ( with your Help!)

This is Serious : Rex

Gary Bourke

Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 19:40:26 +1000 From: Luke Gillies

The Box

After one player, preferably a small quicker style runner, gains a free kick in any part of the ground 7 to 10 of ball carriers biggest team mates form a box around him by holding each others arms, thus making him impregnable to tackle.

The box runs in unison to the edge of the goal line where the ball carrier kicks the easiest of goals from less than a metre out directly infront

NB ^÷ If the ball carrier moves further than five metres away from one of the surrounding players an opposition player can charge into the line and receive a free kick for an illegal shepherd more than fine metres off the ball.

Luke Gillies

Yarra Valley Old Boys

Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 13:10:41 +1000 From: Michele Blight

Dear Simon,

This week I have two tactics for you. One is to defeat "The Flood" and the other I am sure you will appreciate because executed correctly it should ensure a St Kilda victory every week.

Tactic 1– The Coach Rule

The game is played as per normal however it has no relevance to the end result of who gets the four points.

That is decided once the final siren sounds. Both coaches then proceed on to the field and are handed a football. They then have to take one shot for goal from about 70 metres between half forward and the wing. The winner of the game is the one whose coaches scores the best result.

Naturally St Kilda will or at least should win on every occasion. Who else but Blighty can score from that spot. Malthouse, Pagan, Sheedy, Ayres all played back pocket and don’t even know what the goals are. Thompson, Wallace, Schwab, Williams good players they may have been but they can’t kick over a jam tin. And Wayne Brittain never even played the game at the highest level.

Tactic 2– The Moses a.k.a. The Flood Breaker

Mickey Martyn gathers the ball at full back and proceeds to run straight down the middle of the ground bouncing as he goes. He is protected from in front by Jason McCartney and from the sides by the various flankers. They then fall in behind as he moves further and further down the field. Kevin Bartlett is in raptures in the commentary box. "Here comes Mighty Mick, splitting the opposition right down the middle like Moses parting the Red Sea"

When he reaches the correct distance for him, he launches a mongrel finger breaking punt through the goals thus having broken "The Flood"

Michele Blight

Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 15:52:32 +1000 From: Mike H

Simon,

If you read this out can you do your best Bernie Fraser impersonation?

cheers

Mike Honeychurch

----------------------------------------------------

Hello, welcome to "talking tactics" the chat show of the future, I'm Bernie Fraser. Before getting on with this weeks show I'd like to thank all those who have supported this show and helped us out rate our main rival "Order in the House".

Tonight we'll consider whether investing in property is tactically more sensible than investing in indexed funds or the standard footballer investment of a pub.

...he then goes to the white board and draws graphs and charts etc.

Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 16:41:34 +1000 From: Sara Gipton

"Each AFL coach tries to outsmart each other, employ that winning maneuver, spring that surprise on the other side that will excite the crowd, and send the other side into a dithering mess of interchange and a host of positional changes swung in the first 5 minutes of the game. Rarely do coaches succeed in the current game when videos clips, statistics, highlight packages and focused concentration on weakness and strengths are viewed and reviewed.

In this environment of intensive coaching new tactics is emerging"

"Stick close to your man, get in front, run hard, get up when you fall over, apply pressure to your opponent and don't let the other team get the ball "

Sara Gipton

Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 22:17:05 +1000 From: CHRIS HUDD

Wallace's Inverse Paddock

Well when thinking of a name for your great show I think instantly of Channel 7's hit show just before midnight when no-one is bloody awake and with a new title this year "Talking Footy - but only if it is about Carey, or Sheedy, or Lloyd or the Crows" with of course the most biased prick on TV BBBBBrrrrrrrrruuuuuccccceeeeeee.

Wallace's Inverse Paddock

ok here is the ultimate way to guarentee posession of the footy from a kick in, however unfortunately it would only work once as the other team, unless they are crap (i.e from Perth), would surely catch on. OK
West Coast kick a point and take their three quarter score to 2.6.18, all the doggies players run the length of the ground to the other end of the ground. Now their should be 34 players in the other 50 meter area. Nathan Brown has the ball in the goal square. All the doggies players sprint full pace towards Nathan Brown at the other end. reasons why this will work:
1.No-little man will keep up with Matty Robbins
2. No big man will keep up with Kingsley Hunter
3. Nathan Brown could hit a flea on the arse from 50 meters away with his left foot

A perfect kick and kinga or robbo will be freed up for the mark.
Should work, especially against West Coast

Cheers,
Sedat Chudd

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 12:14:24 +1000 From: "Burgin, Glen"

I've devised what I think is a novel tactic to conquer flooding, based on the old school-yard favourites - the "speccie" (aka the "Jezza") and the "hospital pass".

This is how it works:

When the attacking team has possession of the ball about 80 metres out from goal, the designated 'speccie-taker' (Richardson, Ottens, Bourke etc), stands 10 to 15 metres behind one of the defending team 'flooders' ( Maxfield, O'Laughlin etc)

The kicker then lofts a 'hospital-pass' directly towards the 'flooder' allowing the designated 'speccie-taker' to ride him and take an 'absolute screamer' within 'easy scoring distance'. The 'speccie-taker' then coolly goes back and 'bangs though a six pointer'.

This tactic will not only break down the evil flood but will also sew up the Mark of the Year competition, and the whole 'football family' will welcome the return of the 'speccie'.

It may also result in the 'flooder' needing to go off on a stretcher (a real crowd favourite).

(There will be some collateral damage, as David Bourke will be completely wrecked after two speccies and will be out for a month.)

Yours Sincerely

Glen Burgin of Essendon (Go Tigers!)

ps The new could show coould be called Rodney and Terry (Wallace and Eade) - no risk of any humour there.......

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 12:28:55 +1000 From: Peter O'Sullivan

Tim Webster: Tonight on YAK ZONE we cross to live to Arden Street for a Ten Network exclusive as AAA coach Denis Pagan gives us a unique insight into the world of AFL tactics.

Cameras cross to Denis Pagan at Arden Street standing in front of a whiteboard about to address the AAA Kangaroos.

Denis:Now listen up fellas. Flooding by opposition teams has turned Pagan's Paddock into a swampy bog. It's time we hit back with something new.

I got this ideaplaying chess in a caravan on Phillip Island one rainy Queen's Birthdayweekend. It's called the "Kings Gambit"

Duck - you'll be the King Colbert - you'll be the Queen Sav - you and Corey will be the Bishops Arch - you and Kingywill be the Knights Winny, Byron - you'll be the Rooks The rest of you will be pawns.

Now this is how it works

Stevo, Shagga you'll be the lead pawns. As soon as the ball is bounced run straight into the centre and cover the opposition on-ballers.

Arch, youfollow Stevo and Shagga into the middle then break toward wing stopping the attacking opposition half back runningthrough the line to help his on-ballers.

Johnny Blakey, Shannon Motlop and Joey McLaren you'll be sacrificial pawns used as decoys to get your opponentsout of position.

Colbert, you, Byron,Winny and twoother pawns set up a defensive lineacross the centre square.

Sav, you and Corey run out from the goal square diagonally towards the boundary outside the 50 to create options for our on-ballers.

Kingy, I want you to run from the wing into the centre to receive the ball from Stevo then go straight down the guts whereDuck should be one out in our goal square.

That's it fellas. Any questions? Yes Sav

Sav: Should I be standing on a light square or a dark square?

Peter O'Sullivan

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 14:31:37 +1000 From: Tim Goddard

Coming.............

Wednesday 10.30pm

"The Tacticians - no goals are our goal"

Join the panel for an upbeat discussion on footballs newest child - Tactics.

Prof Alan Fels - "In some ways the competitive nature of the competition maybe stifling competition and in doing so could be viewed as being anti competitive."

David Flint - The media's right to speculate is tempered by its ability to report accurately the facts which are delivered to it via the visual medium or by the more traditional method of a brown paper bag being left in their brief case without their knowlege.

Peter Singer - ensures the ethics of current and any future tactics are not tested on animals or in anyway demean those who may take offence to the hidden messages espoused in the onfield antics.

These three pre-eminent Tacticians will be chaired by -

Tom Hafey - The Purist. Takes on board all comments with the attitude that the only tactic that has ever worked is 'kick it long'.

This weeks topic - Flood Mitigation. The panel discusses control measures achieved through community consultation, lobbying of the appropriate Federal Ministers and ethnic cleansing.

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 16:15:45 +1000 From: Bill Hall WINNER

SIMON'S NEW SHOW

Name: HAPPY JOY LUCKY DRAGON EGG TRANSMISSION

Description: "A Sleepytime Radio Explosion of Football Fun and Brain Teaser. Competing for Dominance. Can You Hear Cats Pies "Umpy"!!Healthy Ears Run For Cover!! Professor Simon Is Wise Head. No Doubt!! Thus Is Simon - Master Of Ball Knowledge - Double Top Yes Tripple 'A' Phenomenon. Can You Dare Not Views Him?"

Broadcast from: Budokan Theatre, 3.a.m. (Melbourne Time)
PAGAN'S REVOLUTIONARY NEW TACTIC

For use when, with over 15 minutes to play, the Kangas are 6 goals up. The ball must be rushed through for a behind to the opposition. The goal umpire signals a point and waves his flag. David King spins the ball in his hands. Presently, the field umpire will invite King to have a kick. King will continue to spin the ball. After a few moments the umpire will blow his whistle and demand that the ball be kicked at once. What happens now is: King plays on by kicking the ball to himself. He then calmly walks back over the goal line for another rushed behind. The goal umpire signals a point and waves his flag. David King spins the ball in his hands. Presently, the field umpire invites King to have a kick. King continues to spin the ball. After a few moments the umpire blows his whistle and demands that the ball be kicked. King will again play on and again rush the ball through for a behind. He can safely keep this up until the cows come home, or the final siren goes, well aware that his opponents are not permitted to come within 10 metres of the goal square. The only possible risk involved would be if King lost control of the footy and it spilled either out of bounds or into the hands of an opposition player. Basically, it's foolproof, and would certainly prevent the Saints from being overrun in the last quarter.

Richard Hall

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 16:22:17 +1000 From: frank.traczewski@au.pwcglobal.com

Could I suggest a new title of "Pub Talk in the Dry Zone".
I would envisage a discussion along the following lines:
FT: Welcome Denis. I understand the Kangaroos have a tactic set to revolutionise the game.
Denis Pagan: That's correct.
FT: Would you like to elaborate?
DP: Yes, I would.
FT: Please...go on.
DP: Well, as you know, I'm not one to subscribe to the theory that we are a one man team, no matter how special a player he is. But, I think we can use this perception to our advantage.
FT: How's that?
DP: Not out.
FT: Sorry?
DP: Just an attempt at humour.
FT: Oh!
DP: Anyway, our tactic is simple. 21 of the 22 selected players will wear No. 18.
FT: But surely the opposition will just pick out the player lining up at centre half-forward.
DP: Yes, so 17 of those players will line up here (points to CHF on the whiteboard).
FT: He is built differently to a lot of his teammates.
DP: Well, some players may have to wear longer stops or more jumpers, but I think we can get away with it.
FT: How will this tactic work?
DP: As you know, Wayne quite is often double-teamed by the opposition. The players will just move en masse (draws lines over the whiteboard until all but one wing is obscured by lines) until the last quarter and the we call a count. Hopefully, they will have more than 18 players on the field and lose their score.
FT: And if that doesn't work?
DP: Well, there's the other player out here (points to the unobscured wing on whiteboard). That's Wayne wearing No. 23.
FT: Shane Clayton's number?
DP: Yes, and we all know no-one ever picks him up
. FT: And this tactic is called?
DP: The Clayton's tactic. You know (chuckle), the tactic you have when- FT: Thanks for your time Denis.
DP: My pleasure.

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 19:10:37 +1000 From: Jeffrey Ferguson

Some suggested names for Talking Tactics

1. "Get a Life!"

2. Sergeant Simons' lonely Heartsclub Band.

3. " I know what you did last quarter"

4. A man and his whiteboard

5. The shouldhavebeens

6. How to win at AFL footy without having a single kick.

7. AFL football - A Critical analysis of how your team stuffed up last round (rarely seen by Essendon supporters and therefore probably not a ratings winner).

As for a tactic that clearly requires a whiteboard, visualise a large arrow drawn down the centre of the whiteboard, the head of the arrow clearly pointing in the direction that your team is kicking. Underneath are the instructions KICK THE BLOODY THING FOR GOD'S SAKE! This idea of kicking the ball down the middle of the ground in the direction to which your team is kicking will surely revolutionise football.I'm sure it has never been thought of before and will result in calls for new rules to counter this terrifying new concept. Shake in your boots Sheedy - your time is up once this newera dawns!

Regards

Jeffrey Ferguson

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 15:37:07 +1000 From: Troy_Severino@ansett.com.au

Simon: "Welcome once again to 'Tactic Matters', the footy talk show dedicated to the development of Tactics and the advancement of the footballing brain. This week on the Whyteboard we have Troy from Northcote describing the Tactic entitled 'The Charge of the Light Brigade'"

Troy from Northcote: "The Charge of the Light Brigade - All 6 forwards on our team start in the defensive side lined up across the half back line - small quick players are required. This brigade is called the first wave. The normal half back line stand in their traditional positions behind the first wave. 3 mediums required. This is the second wave.

At the bounce of the ball, our midfielders attempt to gain possession and trap the ball in the centre of the field, the first wave charges through the midfield to assist and take the handball from the midfield possession through to the attacking side of the field. Options are provided by the 6 players running through in the first wave toward our goals. 'Handball to the left, Handball to the right, Onward, Onward charge the six'.

The half back line initially maintain positions to avert a missed possession and a handball over the top of the first wave. If there is a contested ball in the midfield with the first wave having been through, the second wave commences to lend assitance - they are mediums and can add muscle to the contest. The full back line becomes the traditional 'last line of defence'.

The Charge of the Light Brigade is an exciting development in Football so titled because it is fraught with danger and likely to end in disaster."

Simon: "Thanks Troy from Northcote. Next week on 'Tactic Matters' we discuss the playing of all Talls on wet days because as we all know 'In the wet small players get slower but Talls don't get any shorter'."

Troy from Northcote

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 19:51:41 +1000 From: Jamie Sanderson

Coach on the program entitled 'Thinkin' Footy':

The latest tactic I have come up with to change the face of football is called 'the S11' when a player takes possession of the ball all of the other players from the team converge and form a ring by linking arms around the man with the ball. The player with the ball can then leisurely walk towards the goal while bouncing the ball when needed. The protective 'S11' of players would keep pace and chant anti-globalisation messages to ward off opposition players until the player in the middle gets within kicking distance and kicks a goal.

This will garauntee a win to the team who can most effectively implement the 'S11'. Fears have been raised that it may not be good for the game, but we do not listen to the highly paid beauracrats and quasi-intellectual commentators of the game who want to perpetuate the corporatisation and globalisation of footy. Its a working mans game, the 'S11' is a working mans tactic and the most important thing is the FOUR POINTS!

cheers,

Jamie Sanderson

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 18:07:26 +1000 From: KyselaO

Simon. You are doing a tremendous job. We salute you.

1) Kevin Sheedy's Whiteboard: The Kickout

Thanks to The Coodabeens, opposition coaches have only recently become aware of the "Fletcher, kicks it to Wellman, then goes to short to Misiti" after a behind is scored against them, which is a miracle in itself these days. There's been a slight tweak on the whitebaord to ensure the Bombers maintain the upper hand: "Wellman, kicks it to Fletcher, then goes short to Misiti". This should ensure another 12 months of pedestrian dominance before opposition coaches join the dots.

2) Peter Schwab's Whiteboard: The 180 Degrees Bounce Setup

This tactic is to take full advantage of Hawthorn's propensity to take the ball at right angles out of the centre with 15 possessions before the ball actually begins its journey toward the goals after using up all lateral real estate available.

FF and FB line up on the boundary lines on the wings. CHF and CHB line up on the centre square on the wings. Wingers drop back into the backline, which is now on the defensive wing, to flood. Hawthorn win ball out of the centre and begin the 15 possession string towards what is naturally the wing, but is now actually the 4 white sticks. Lance Piciaone kicks 14 straight and revolutionises direct football.

3) Every Coach's Whiteboard: How To Combat Flooding and the call from the outer "I paid $17.50 to watch this tish"

Concept taken from watching Langford to Jencke to Pritchard to Dunstall throughout the late 80s.

Kick instead of handball. Kick long instead of kick short. Move ball quickly. Forwards play in front. If doesn't work, find out if a) delivery is ordinary, or b) forwards aren't playing in front. Drop offenders accordingly and find adequate replacements ie: get rid of the tremendous athletes (too scared to name names) and find blokes who can kick, mark and have got the footy smarts (Buckenara, Curran, Hawkins, Beasley).

Oliver Kysela

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 15:53:02 From: stuart mcarthur

Dear Simon,

just reread my last week's entry - WAS a bit wordy, sorry - will try to LMG.

New show: T.I.S.P. (THIS IS SERIOUS PAYGS)

This week TISP looks at the latest AFL strategy for playing Essendon

"The Rioli Whisperer"

One player in the team is assigned the role of The Rioli Whisperer. Whenever Dean Rioli starts running amok and kicking freakish goals (ala last Friday night) the Rioli Whisperer accompanies him back to the centre, all the time whispering in his ear secret messages designed to confuse him and break his spirit.

Regards,

Stuart McArthur

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 08:17:53 +1000 From: David Marshall

Beat the Flood
Get the Points
Ruin the Game

THE RING

Every time we are awarded a free kick or a mark or a kick-in after an opposition behind, we form The RING.

All 17 team mates form two tight, concentric, outwardly facing rings around the player with the ball. We'll link arms around shoulders and slowly shuffle down the ground until we reach our own goal line and kick a goal.

THE RING RESPONSE (Ree-sponse)

If the opposition form The RING, we'll form the RING RESPONSE wall, a bit like half a Rugby Scrum, and try to prevent their RING from making progress down the ground. If their RING manages to break through or shuffle around our RING RESPONSE wall, we'll dismantle and run back to reform in the path of their RING.

THE DEFENSIVE RING (Dee-fensive)

At some point in the match if we're ahead, we might switch from the standard RING strategy to a more defensive version of the same tactic. If it's the start of the final quarter, we're one point up and we're awarded a free kick, we'll form the RING, but instead of shuffling forward we'll simply stay put, and run down the clock for the remaining 20 minutes or so. It's all about getting the 4 points.

If an AFL team uses the RING in the first quarter of a Friday night match:

a) By quarter time the opposition team will have adopted The RING.
b) By half time both sides will have implemented the RING RESPONSE
c) By three quarter time the crowd will have left and won't see the final quarter DEFENSIVE RING
d) The Saturday crowds will be measured in hundreds rather than thousands
e) The Sunday games will be cancelled.

David (The Sentimental Favourite) Marshall
Bulleen

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 11:21:42 +1000 From: Mccaffco

The introduction of the magical huddle known as the STONEHENGE has enveloped the North Melbourne football Club in a sea of controversy. Denis Pagan defended its introduction on the following four basis 1 It has obvious synergies withthe clubs new sponsors THE DRUIDS 2 Because the actual STONEHENGE formation is magical and unknown to mere mortals it is not possible for an opposing team to match up with the KANGA participants 3 Participation has enhanced our players ability toforetellthe future let alone read the flow of play 4 It allows us to make the most ofSPIDER who appears to be the central characterin theSTONEHENGE a feature of whichare the outstretched arms of SPIDER accompanied by lots of humming and prolonged chanting prior to kick in. Pagan ridiculed the suggestions that the A WON Kangaroos now loved making daisy chains duringtraining andhad demanded the right to take their football jumpers off on hot days when in STONEHENGE formation.Furthermore the fact that the introduction of the tactic was on the cusp of the winter solstice was entirely coincidental JOHN MCCAFFREY

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 11:44:57 +1000 From: Glenn

This Modern Game of Ours

The coach stands before a hungry group of young men, hanging off every word he speaks. The coach frowns and stares, the corner of his mouth twitches like Billy Idols whip lash smile. He spanks his open hand against the white board, releasing an almighty "CRACK!!"

Three words are written on the board and three words only. He shout each word individually: "CORRIDOR, CORRIDOR, CORRIDOR. Do you understand me? We play straight down the corridor. Forget the wings. CORRIDOR, CORRIDOR, CORRIDOR! That's how I reckon we should play this week!"

He turns and spins the white board 180 degrees and continues;

"However, I did get a very good email from Jane Harris this week and she reckons we're a little short in the back line and perhaps Stevo should drop back out of the ruck and let Mickey ruck rove."

"Another good suggestion came from Peter Holman (At this point Assistant Coach notes that Peter has been a regular commentator on our style of play) who believes the only way to stop flooding is to sandbag the fifty metre line. All eighteen players in an arch, shoulder to shoulder, battling the raging tide."

"Glenn from Newport wrote in and said he thought we were playing rather well but the words to the club song needed changing."

"However, this week we are going to adopt the playing tactics of Julian Toohey (Physio chirps in with "Did we adopt a playing style of his in about round 5?") Julian Toohey noticed something last week and rather than email me, he used the old fashion fax method. Julian noticed we are playing too narrow at half forward and we are too easy to cover. He suggests we play 2-4-4 structure that worked so well for Frances in the last World Cup. Congratulations Julian, that's how we will be playing this week."

Glenn from Newport

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 12:01:59 +1000 From: Jac & Pete

A. Backline tactic - 'the Moulin Rouge line up'. All defenders form a line with arms linked and perform a 'can can'. They position the line so that the incoming ball will hit one of their high kicking legs sending the ball forward. B. Forwardline tactic - 'the Ralphie Valadarez tactic', based on rollerskating's 'roller derby' of the '60's. 1. When we are going into attack our forwards form a circle around the opposition defenders. 2. Two other players give another 'the whip' (so that he is running three or four times normal pace) toward the ball and the goals. 3. The 'whipped' player runs onto the ball (whilst the defenders try to break out of the circle of our forwards) and strolls in for a goal. This tactic could be improved by the 'whipped' player wearing rollerskates instead of footy boots. (This in itself could be a devious new tactic.) Pete & Jac of Croydon
P.S. - Thanks for the choccky footy, now we're after the cash! - Jac

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 12:17:59 +1000 From: Joe Kirby

Imagine the following scenario....

It's round 22 and the Tigers in 9th and must beat the Bombers to sneak into the 8. At the 30 minute mark of the last quarter Riolli does a Pele like scissor kick over his head from inside the centre square that clears Lloyd for a goal putting the Bombers 5 points up. At the centre bounce Hird snatches the ball and bombs it long but it is marked by Aaron James in his first contribution for the day (some might say career).

**Diagram 1 - Hird kicks, James marks.

A flood of Tiger trainers and runners pours onto the ground getting an urgent message out to the players.

** Diagram 2 - About 60 x's all over a whiteboard.

The entire Richmond team sprints (Richo hobbles) down to where James has the ball. They form a circle 2 deep around James and link arms.

** Diagram 3 - One x surrounded by 17 x's.

They walk James towards the Richmond goal, Essendon players are unable to reach James without making illegal contact to the surrounding Richmond players.

**Diagram 4 - Red and black x's bouncing off yellow and black x's in a circle around an x.

It appears the Richmond coaching staff have come up with the perfect plan.

James is walked to the Richmond goals where he forgets to kick the ball and the goal umpire signals a rushed behind.

Tigers finish 9th again.

Cheers, Joe Kirby

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 15:02:12 +1000 From: KyselaO

New Tactics (Entry Amended for Inaccurate Geometry)

1) Kevin Sheedy's Whiteboard: The Kickout

2) Peter Schwab's Whiteboard: The 90 Degrees Bounce Setup

3) Every Coach's Whiteboard: How To Combat Flooding and the call from the outer "I paid $17.50 to watch this tish"

Concept taken from watching Langford to Jencke to Pritchard to Dunstall throughout the late 80s.

Name of Show: "Shawry's (as Daics would say) Playbook" (to which Shawry would respond, "That's Inneresting")

Oliver Kysela

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 16:52:43 +1000 From: Brendan Miller

A tactic that Terry Wallace could adopt, aptly named the 'British Bulldog'.

At the centre bounce all 14 players not in the square would line up across the centre half back line and rush forward at the bounce down. Upon winning the ball, the ball gatherer would then be protected by a ring of 17 players shepherding until close enough to kick the goal. Libba would be the only player excluded from being the ball carrier as he would have trouble clearing the kick over the ring of sheepherders.

A ideal tactic to be used in the dying moments of the game when trailing by less than a goal.

Brendan Miller

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 16:53:19 +1000 From: Chamberlain Family

Title of TV Show - "Seven's Simple Solutions (program broadcast seventy seven years from nowafter Channel Seven have finally won back the rights from Eddie's grandkids)"

Host: "Amongst other tactics, flooding has become very prevalent so in response we have the master fromthe 20th century, Rocket Eade, to present his way around the flood. Welcome Rocket."

Eade (bald except for one streak of silver hair, bespectacled but looking old and pale): "Thank you. The flood, or the defensive press as I like to call it, has been described as ugly and a poor spectacle. However,because it is merely an extension of having an open forward zone, I mean, forward half, then I have no problems with it. I think if there's one thing our game lacks, it's tactics. In the good old days, we had tactics. We need more tactics."

Host: "But, Rocket, you're credited with creating the flood. You invented it. You can't be proud if this is your only legacy to footy."

Eade: "Yes, very true. Anyway, it was very simple to invent, so I'm going to show you a simple way to beat it. Firstly, imagine we have a player who is in possession of the footy in the centre (mark spot X on white board). The half backs and wings all rush forward into the 50 metre arc to create the flood (mark dots all around 50m arc)."

Host: "This is where it becomes ugly".

Eade: "Yes, unless you have the solution. The opposition player has thefooty and and cannot see any options in front of him (mark forward arrows on white board). So what does he do?"

Host: "No idea, Rocket. Bomb it long?."

Eade: "No, he should do a180 degree turn, and kick the footy backwards to a teammate standing in our defensive key, sorry I mean our 50marc (mark this player on whiteboard). Not only will this create confusion, but the beauty is thatsome footballers, actually all footballers, possess minds that tellthem to just run to where the footy has been kicked. So no doubt some of the opposition players will come out of thezone, sorry flood, and try to run to their direct opponent or even worse to the footy."

Host: "Yes. It's similar to the old mouse trap theory - just show them the cheese. In this case, just show them the footy and they will run for it."

Eade: "Yes, yes, then, we can go on the fast break and either run the basketball, sorry footy, down to our forwards or kick it quickly to the basketball, sorry footy, down to our forwards or kick it quickly to the original player who will then find a loose man directly in front of the basket, sorry goals. The other team's players will be too buggered to run back to deeeefence (in American accent), or if they do it will only bea matter of time before they break down with torn hammys, groins or calfs. Yo, what a plan, press the opposition, run down the clock, shoot three pointers, and slam dunk them. Gotta love the flood." (in American accent)

Studio audience is stunned as Rocket is carried away by security remonstrating from his wheelchair and inside his white strait jacket.

Eade: "What is wrong with everyone? It's so easy, just play the ball, , (evil laughter),I'll be back, don't you worry." Host: "Well there you have it. Brilliant yet stunningly simple, and you heard it first on Seven's Simple Solutions."

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 16:54:46 +1000 From: "BULL,TRAVIS (HP-Australia,ex2)"

Bruce: Welcome to Talking Sputter, and joining me tonight as usual Caroline Wilson

Caro: Hi Bruce

Bruce: And our special guest Dennis Pagan, Pags to you first you have been busy discovering new tactics

Dennis:Yes Bruce I have discovered a new tactic in football and I call it the Baz Lurman. The Bazza as it has been nicknamed is basically giving the whole team total artistic freedom to run around and be artistic as possible for 2 hours. It's main aim is to keep the crowd as entertained for as long as possible

Bruce: We have some footage here from the Demons Collingwood game

Dennis: Yes Bruce Melbourne are a fine example of doing the bazza

Bruce: This footage is from the channel 7 blimp (Ariel shot of whole ground)

Dennis: Watch the Melbourne players, notice not one of them is picking up a man, some like the wingman here is pirouetting, others are shimmying and I believe the half forwards are doing quite a complicated line dance

Bruce: Now we have some more examples

Denis: We sure do Bruce

Bruce: The Tarrant mark

Caro: Yes that mark, I guess we will need to see how many great marks he takes over his career before we start talking about this one

Bruce: This was a SPECIAL mark

Dennis: Here's the footage

Bruce: It's the channel seven special footage, what wonderful footage it is too

Dennis: Notice here how the demons backman Nicholson, says "Entertain at all costs" as the ball comes towards them. Now look at this, the Melbourne players are making a human pyramid. Now watch woewodin here, he grabs Tarrant around the waist ballet style and throws him up to the top of the pyramid, where he takes the mark

Bruce: Also we have some exclusive audio of 3 quarter time address. This is Neil Danaher

Neil: Now what did I tell you to do, that's right entertain. Well ya not doing a good enough job, our supporters are leaving, so come on... I wanna see more feeble attempts to tackle, more dancing, more leaving you man unattended, more space for there forwards to lead into. Come on guys I want you all to dig really deep be more dramatic, when you drop a mark really botch it, if you can fumble really fumble it, when you go to tackle really bounce off the appointment.

Bruce: And what were the results of the Baz

Dennis: Well more than half the crowd stayed till the end Bruce Travis Bull

Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 19:40:24 +1000 From: Adam Ellerton

On the white board I would draw one small circle representing a small huddle of players. Then to the right of that draw another small circle representing another small huddle. Now I draw a dot representing one player further down and to the left of the first circle and then drawn another dot representing another player further down and to the right of the second circle and then have the one dot kicking the ball to the other dot by drawing an arced line. Is this a good tactic????? maybe, maybe not but what it does a achieve is a picture of a smiley face on the white board.

Name for the show : Talking Trash.......except for when Robert Walls and Kevin Sheedy are on the same show, then stealing a name of another show it should be called Angry Beavers.

Date: 14 Jun 2001 19:46:00 MDT From: michael hogg

hi guys

king has ball from point, kicks to himself, changes direction where 17 north melbourne players make 3 rings around him, preventing players from tackling and the shepharding is within 5 metres, king runs unharmed from one end to the other until the barrier opens up and he kicks the goal.

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 11:39:57 +1000 From: Matt Cronin

My tactic to ruin the game is as follows.

The Ring of Confidence

When a team mate has possesion of the ball from a freekick or a mark the rest of the players from YOUR team huddle in a very close pack making sure that no opposition player is within the huddle.

The player with the ball kicks the ball into the huddle where it is marked by a team mate. The huddle then spreads out into a ring, no larger than 9 metres in diameter, around the player who has just marked the ball and proceeds to chaperone the player with the ball down the ground towards the goals.

The ring shepherds the player with the ball to a point where an easy goal is scored.

The theory here is that as long as the ring stands firm in its shepherding role, no opposition player can get near the player with the ball, thus the easy goal is scored.

Like any theory to spoil the game it can come unstuck, if the original kick misses the target, ie the centre of the huddle, or a player is soft in the shepherding ring.

Once this takes on teams will just forge up and down the ground scoring at will. It will ruin the game and probably just look like basketball.

Matt Cronin

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 11:50:21 +1000 From: Darren Brookes

The scene is set, the whiteboard is centered in the middle of the room. The coach stands with his black and red pen. He takes the black pen and draws a oval shape with goladposts at each end, thicker at the bottom to sigify the excesive padding. He looks at the bunch of players sitting before him and says "See this red pen, thats the opposition" and proceeds to draw 18 red dots at the designated positions on the oval shape on the board. He then gets the black pen and says "the black pen is us" and proceeds to draw 18 dots in the forward line of the opposition. He then throws the pen to the ground and says "In this day of modern football this is what we call flooding".

He then proceeds to draw red dots outside the circle at a furious pace, nearly covering the entire board. "These" he states "are the people who are going to despise you today".

"Do not kick it to them"

Darren Brookes
Armadale

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 12:04:41 +1000 From: Scott Mitchell

As most serious football tactics these days revolve around picking the next inner Melbourne suburb to purchase an investment property in thereby ensuring "a life after Football" the most appropriate title I could come up with was " Rotations Rotations Rotations"

Discovered on a whiteboard in the Port Power board room by co hosts Don Bourke and Robert Walls ( duelling Beards being the only, but nevertheless significant ,connection)while choosing which pattern of tiles to re-do the Port Powers poolside spa area in was the following scrawl reworked here for the sake of brevity and lack of visibility:

In an effort to elevate the Port Power into the upper echelons of the league ladder the brains trust at port power masterminded the following plan subtly and cunningly over a period of time and only now are supporters starting to truly understand the significance of recent player trading. By securing Terry Wallace as coach and Mark Williams as his assistant ( or DUMMY COACH ) it was decided that Terry could do some of his best work if no-one was advised of the appointment including the Board, Supporters and Players of the Western Bulldogs.

As any mindless football media commentator will tell you " He's creative - isn't he, Wallace, the way he throws the team around ".Little did they know....

He rotated Brett Montgomery into Port Adelaide, Stephen Powell into Melbourneand then , the truly brilliant rotation .....Nathan Eagleton into the Western Bulldogs!!!!!!

The whole Brown, Johnson,Smith ,Libba,Dimma,Jose , West etc "Clever rotation through the midfield " ruse is purely a charade to divert attention to the fact that Nathan Eagletons sole purpose is turn the ball over ,shirk the hard ball and give away stupid free kicks, thus ensuring the demise of at least one other final eight contender.

Although sounding like a bit of astretch as a tactic, the proof can be borne out by the fact that whenever quizzed about the trade of Montgomery to Port, Powell to Melbourne in exchange for Eagleton to the Bulldogs Wallace simply replies " what a lot of people don't understand with Nathan is he given some very specific tasks to carry out for the team ....and he does these very very well." of course not adding WHICH team or exactly what those tasks are.

We can only hope that Nathan does live up to Ploughs original expectation of "being the next Craig Bradley" ........meaning he too retires at the end of the year.

Regards,

An otherwise happy doggie s supporter. ( Or if you prefer in 3AW parlance "Scott from Lilydale")

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 13:34:59 +1000 From: Shane Dwyer

I don't know what compelled me to write such a stupid entry to the comp, but I have never entered before, so what the hell.

My new tactical innovation is only to be used when the opposition is starting to over run the side that has been in front for most of the game during the dying minutes of the final quater.

Now for the tactic - The runner is to discreetly come off bench with a number of cream pies while no one is watching and hand them to the the players on the back line, when the ball enters the 50 meter arch they push the pie in to the leading forwards face, temporarily blinding them. If the pied forward can clear his vision quick enough, he is more than likely to push the pie pusher over, therefore the pie pusher will gain the crucial free kick.

It is simple but effective method of not only slowing the game down, but also creating the one thing that keeps footy interesting 'CONTROVERSY".

Have a good one.

Shane Dwyer.

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 14:10:03 +1000 From: Doug Long

DEAR SIMON,

Your new 3.00AM show is entitled: "And you thought DAYTIME TV was boring!"

Will appear with small print recommending that anyone with a heart condition is advised not to watch.

Here are the Tactics for your show (see if you can pick out the REAL ones!)

Tactic 1: Winning the stats that count.

Recently, the inside 50s have been a key indicator of a victory. Our stat builds up the inside 50s with this ingenius (the suffix "IN" meaning "NOT") plan:

A player who is a poor kick marks inside 50 on the boundary at 45. He will not have a shot, but rather kicks it to a guy on a better angle at 60. Too far out to score, he kicks back to the guy at 45 who is still unmanned as he is not a threat. This process is repeated easily as neither guy can realistically kick a goal. But all the while, your team is racking up heaps of "inside 50s". Ingenius? Or FOOLproof?

Tactic 2. Hiding.

When a free is about to be paid to your team just behind the centre, run off the ground and hide behind your biggest water boy. All your team mates will run to the other side of the ground. With precision timing, you sprint into the space, accept the pass and run down to kick a goal.

Tactic 3: The intimidator

Run so as to get between your opponent and the umpire. Your opponent will see the MOST FEARED PERSON on the ground (in regard to physical intimidation) and cower. The umpire has, in effect, laid a block for you.

Tactic 4: Floodgates.

Often, when an opponent kicks a couple of quick goals to establish a handy lead, the floodgates have just opened. The tactic to overcome this is simple: CLOSE THE FLOODGATES! That’s it! Just close them! (Why hasn’t someone else thought of this?)

Tactic 5: The loose man.

Many teams play a loose man in the back line to gather kicks and drive his team into attack. What poor planning. Why not put a loose man in the FORWARD LINE? That way, when he gathers a kick he can goal. (So simple, but why doesn’t someone do it?)

PS: Interstate footy time again and, once more, Carey is unavailable for the Allies

PPS: Seen in MT Alexander Road on Tuesday:

Father and son see a newspaper headline in a shop window:

--- "BOMBER" McVeigh executed

Son (tears flowing): The tribunal are SLAUGHTERING us, DAD!

Father (furious): A Collingwood player would’ve ONLY GOT A REPRIMAND, SON!

Doug (Carn the Cats)Long

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 15:28:27 +1000 From: paul russo

NEW TACTICS:

1. Circus Oz performers to instruct players on how to :
a) Stand on the mark using 2 players, one standing on the others shoulders.
b) When a player is having a set shot at goal to form a wall of 5 players long and 3 players high to effectively block any shot.

2. To combat flooding :
a) Use a row of sandbags placed across the half forward line.
b) Form 2 of every player - 2 centre half forwards, two full forwards,
etc

>From Faction 3366 (not a postcode)- Paul Russo/John Clements

P.S. Thanks for the chocolates. Very nice. We are still trying to work out how to claim our $100 from Advantage.

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 15:27:10 +1000 From: "Treseder, Peter"

Simon,

As per instructions last week and considering I am a past winner, this is a token contribution.

No sense letting my creative juices flow any further.

Peter Treseder

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 05:43:38 -0000 From: barry tyrrell

"Talking Tactics"

"But when Thursday comes around...." Music fades...
Tim "Welcome to 'Talking Competitions' here on Channel 9, I'm your host Tim Lane and alongside me; our regular Panellists, Gerard Healey & Mike Shehan. Tonight our special guest is Denis Pagan, welcome Denis."
Denis "Thanks Tim nice to be here."
Tim "Firstly let's talk about the subject on everyone's mind, flooding. So many entries are being sent in that some good ones are being left out. Is it having a detrimental effect on the Competition as a spectacle?"
Denis "These things seem to sort them selves out. Taking longshots seems to be the tactic that has emerged. We've seen some longshots come off this year already."...
Denis reminisces his days as a an entrant...
Tim "How do you see the overall health of the competition?"
Denis "The whole focus of the Competition has changed. I remember when people entered for the love of it. You look back even last year, it was all about the Lobster. But it's a national competition now and has outgrown it's suburban origins. This year it is all about money which changes everything. It definitely has raised the standard of professionalism in the entrants but, and I hate to bring up this old chestnut, for all the professionalism of the modern entrants, the judges just have not kept up with the changes in the Competition. This year we have seen some abysmal decisions. One day we'll see it cost an entrant a spot at the convention".
Tim "Well thanks for joining us Denis, it's been fascinating. All the best to you for the rest of the year....."
End of program.

Richard Tyrrell

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 17:41:01 +1000 From: grant

There can be only one name for the show. "The David Parkin Show"

It will open with the now famous introduction by his second banana Tony Charlton.

"Ladies and Gentlemen... Heeeeeeeereeers David!!!" (applause)

Straight into the monologue

" I was reading the newspaper today and its going to be 18 degrees......" (applause)

"but, seriously.......what about those news readers on SBS huh!!!......." (applause)

"hey" wait for laughter to die down(Parko is known for his timing)

"We have a really serious show tonight we have some old footballer explaining why football was better in his day!!..............." (applause)

"OK now before we go any further it's time for the.......................(audience chimes in together just like they did during the warm up from Pete Smith) "The White Board." (applause)

"Tonights topic is how we can get the Colour Ooomph and excitmentback into footy.."

David writes six names on the white board they are:

Spine: Talls: Shorts: Quarterback: Designated Kicker and Strip.

"Lets look at the word 'Spine' I propose we start calling it 'Goal to Goal'" (applause)

"OK now for'Talls', what about 'Big Blokes'?" (whoops and Hollers), some one in the back yells "You da Man"

"Smalls",said David now working up to fever pitch. "I suggest 'Little Blokes', or what about Utilities!- Whispers to Tony Charlton-Remember Tuddy" (applause)

"Quarterback" Rubs it out "that doesn't even belong here" (Whooop and Holler)

"Designated Kicker "Someone who can Roost the ball, as in 'look at that Roost' or 'he can certainly Roost a ball"

Roost' or 'he can certainly Roost a ball"

"And lastly 'strip' What the heck is wrong with Jumper!"

David looks straight at the camera. " Be back with an old footballer who was faster fitter and could kick longer than modern day players, right after this station identification."

Fade to Ad

Grant and Christine

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 17:14:16 +1000 From: Ross Morton

A new and innovative tactic will be outlined on Dennis Pagan's late night pay TV football show, "Kangaroos: Coming Out to Play!!" next week ....

.... a defensive strategy called "The Tammy Wynette Backline Muster" .... i.e. Stand By Your Man!!!!

Cheers,

Andrew McDonald

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 18:59:04 +1000 From: "Salton, Jeff"

There's currently a show on an appalling FM radio station called 'Dump on Your Ex' where shameless people ring in and tell horrific tales about their former partners' disgusting personal hygienehabits, and other nasty 'bad mental picture' stories.

I recommend a similar show called:

Dump on your Ex-Coach

As co-host (with Robert Walls who qualifies both as a master tactician and ex-ex-ex-ex coach) we would have a veritable plethora of players to choose from. Each week a player or twowould come on to the show and guide us through a number of mind-numbing ideas dreamed up in the wee-small hours by coaches with Mensa IQs - all of which failed dismally on match day.

What could be better than watching blokes like Dermie, Clokey, SOS, Rainsey, Jars, Tinker Bell, Vossy, Plugger, Loewey, and a huge variety of players who have played for multiple clubs or multiple coaches getting in front of the white board and re-creating history - the fateful day when the coach got in front of the players and proudly marked out his strategy for:

* Multiple ruckman at centre bounces (d'oh!)

* Racial vilification in 10 easy steps (d'oh!)

* 'Droughting' (d'oh!)

* Deliberately knocking the ball out of bounds to gain an advantage (d'oh!)

* Whacking someone to create a diversion (d'oh!)

* Shaking the goal-post when the opposition forward is having a shot (d'oh!)

* Dealing with Sam Newman(d'oh!)

* Drinking in public (d'oh!)

* Landing headfirst at Colonial (d'oh!)

* Catching public transport to the game (d'oh!) * etc

And in a segment within the show called Tommy's Tea Bag, straight-talker Tommy Hafey answersa series of questions about tactics submitted by the general public, such as:

* how do you get into Colonial before the game starts?

* what's the best way to jump the food queue at the'G' at quarter time in order to see thesecond quarter begin?

* after a night behind glass in a corporate box, how do you find your car in the MCG carpark at midnight?

* how does the average blue-collar worker take his wife and two kids to footy and still have change out of $100?

* whatever happened to Saturday arvo footy?

What could be better? I'd stay up till 10.30pm on a weeknight to watch it. How about it, Simon?

JeffFrom Kilsyth

The Coodabeen Champions Competition