Competition - 1 July 2000
If AFL coaches were on the Gladiators show, what would their nicknames be?
| Kevin Sheedy - "Merlin" As the fool's final line in King Lear attests: 'This prophecy Merlin shall make, for I live before his time.' Damian Drum - "Mir" It's a long way away, it's operating inefficiently, nobody cares. Mark Thompson - "Prada" The highest quality handbag. Gary Ayers - "Hollywood" Who could forget his stunning performance in the film version of The Club. Neale Danniher - "Zeppo" The least famous of four famous brothers. Rodney Eade - "Penny Banger" Well 'Rocket' seems to be overstating the matter. Dennis Pagan - "Marcel Marceau" Able to get through those post match press conferences without saying anything, and of course will not mention certain things at all. Danny Frawley - "Thylacine" The (Tasmanian) tiger that everyone knows is already extinct, despite persistent rumoured sightings. Ken Judge - "Judy" The judge most likely to strike fear into anyone's heart. Tim Watson - "Antarctica" Named in honour of Lawrence Oates, who on Scott's mission to the South Pole, gave his life so that others may live, little realising the entire exercise was doomed anyway. 'I am just going outside, I may be some time.' Mark Williams - "Brown-Out" There is definately a power shortage somewhere. Terry Wallace - "Kournikova" OK bear with me a little. Kournikova is actually russian for 'chicken house keeper', Wallace is famous for his chicken flavoured phrases, and I'm certain the dogs would love income to be inversely proportionate to premierships. David Parkin - "Pulsar" The vein says it all. Mick Malthouse - "Confucious" No explanation necessary. Leigh Matthews - "Lumberjack" The only player to ever fell a point post during a game. Peter Schwab - Let's make him the challenger up against the merciless gladiator that is Hawthorn's history throughout the eighties and early nineties. My name is Chris Hardie. Adelaide - Conan (he already has a gladiator nickname!) Brisbane - Lethal (he already has a gladiator nickname!) Carlton - Jugular Collingwood - Timebomb (Micks stare gives the impression that he's just ticking away ready to explode) Essendon - Propellor (the jacket waver) Footscray - Target (target for rodney grinter anyway) Fremantle - Hotseat Geelong - Pissweak Hawthorn - Schwabbie (Hawthorn is a suburban family club and would not lower themselves to such crassness as having gladiator nicknames) Melbourne - Hayseed North Melbourne - Pagan Port Adelaide - Voltage St Kilda - Vacant Sydney - Rocket (he already has a gladiator nickname!) Richmond - Claw (big cats have claws) Weagles - Tallon (big eagles have tallons) cheers Mike Honeychurch COACHES NICKNAMES BASED ON VILLIANS FROM BATMAN (TV SERIES) ESSENDON - Sheedy- BATMAN - can't be beaten RICHMOND - Frawley- BOY WONDER - young apprentice doing well CARLTON - Parkin- BOOKWORM - because Parkin is an academic COLLINGWOOD - Malthouse- THE RIDDLER - can anybody understand what he's saying GEELONG - Thompson- CATwoman PORT ADEL.- Williams- THE JOKER- because he is NOT ! MELBOURNE- Daniher- EGGHEAD - oval shaped head BRISBANE - Matthews- PENGUIN - little, nuggety type KANGAROOS- Pagan- THE ARCHER / KING TUT - after the players FREMANTLE- Drum - SANDMAN - beach side club HAWTHORN - Schwab - COMMISSIONER GORDON - former umpires chief ADELAIDE - Ayres - MAD HATTER - fit in with Adelaide theatre culture OTHER POSSIBLE NICKNAMES CARLTON - Parkin and Brittain - Dr Evil and Mini-me ST. KILDA- Watson - LEE HARVEY OSWALD- a patsy responsible for the assissination of the Saints SWANS - Eade - NOAH - flooding the backline FREMANTLE - Drum - THE GENERAL - after Wiranto - 4a.m. training EAGLES - Judge- SPEIGHT - after George for holding Gerhig and Wirrapunda hostage from the Victorian clubs BULLDOGS - Wallace- SKASE - after Christopher for the all year round suntan FROM Paul Russo/John Clements (3366 faction) Please Simon can we win soon. It is my wife's birthday so a night out at the Lobster Cave would be welcome. Yours with the Saints- Paul Russo From Keith Payne, Ferny Creek Some thoughts from "Keith's Tongue" on the coaches: Kevin Sheedy SOCRATES David Parkin THE PHANTOM Mark Thompson THE UNABOMBER Neal Daniher DAD AND/OR DAVE Danny Fawley MR POTATO HEAD Leigh Matthews BARNIE RUBBLE (boring, but just has to be) Mick Malthouse ANGRY ANT Rodney Eade BRAINS (from Thunderbirds) Tim Watson JESUS CHRIST (he has been CRUCIFIED) Peter Scwab THE CARETAKER Denis Pagan THE DEVIL Terry Wallace MADAM LASH Ken Judge THE JUDGE (ask Kevin Sheedy) Mark Williams FOSSIE BEAR Gentlemen, Sheedy: "Maximus" Maximus pointsus from 17 roundsus Eade: "Monsoon" Has a propensity to flood things (such as backlines) Drum: "Valiuum" Year's supply part of Docker's coaching contract. Explains lacklustre aftermatch conference performances. Williams: "Panadol" Not quite at the depths of Valiuum yet, but heading towards Prescription Only status at a rate of knots. Wallace: "Drumstick" Confuses challengers with the mysterious Chicken Walk Oliver Kysela Yarra Valley OBs v Parkside today, highly respected rivals. Going for 7 in a row. Hello Gents, alright, I'll say you the trouble - "Nice entry Glenn from Newport, Trevor from Blackburn sent in.........." More lemon vicar? Tim Watson - Adder: "Add enough" of this coaching lark. Mick Malthouse - Python: After 5 straight wins he had the "Pies on" a roll. Gary Ayres - Bleach: What you need after you've had Blight. Mark Thompson - The Vet: Sent to Cario Bay to fix the Cats. Damian Drum - Rieffa (as in Peter Rieth?): at the end of the day it is he who is responsible for how many time the Dockers strike. Mark Williams - Possum: always to blame when the Power goes off. Leigh Matthews - Lethal: why change it? Denis Pagen - Spotlight: has the Roos totally focused. Danny Frawley - Nightingale: Works beautifully with the injured. Kevin Sheedy - Jesticulator: His hand jesters alone will put the fear of God into anyone. Rodney Eade - Dorothy: as in Dorothy Canfield, author of Ugly Duckling; turned them into beautiful swans......... David Parkin - Shadow: When Brit walks onto the ground, you know who is casting the shadow. Ken Judge - St Jude: First Hawthorn, now West Coast; say no more........ Terry Walace - Plough: see Leigh Matthews Peter Schwab - Maggot: We still remember what your last job was!!! Neale Danihier - Chooka: For some reason I look at Neale and I think Chooka; ya country mate how luv's a blue and'll lept across the bar or out the ute in a flash. Glenn from Newport G'Day Boys Rodney Eade - Tiny Tim - maybe a bit cryptic but his short stepping gait when running onto the field at breaks is reminiscent of tiptoeing through the tulips. I can actually see him tiptoeing out on that slippery pole over the swimming pool carrying that ridiculous thing used for balancing and knocking his opponent off. He would be sure to win if his opponent was the player that is the object of much of his vitriole - Troy Luff Mark Williams and Ken Judge could be a double-act on Gladiators - the Grumpy Twins. They don't seem to be the world's best losers and can get the lip curling going when things aren't going well. I can see them doing battle with one of the more jovial competitors, Neale Daniher (Cool Breeze) - the commentary might go something like......."Cool Breeze slides down the slippery slope, climbs the army tripod, and shimmys under the low ropes .....he emerges with a smile......ooooh he's enjoying his work. Now as he swings on the rope over the crocodile infested waters he lands amd meets the Grumpy Twins....... ooooh they're not happy to see him......they approach each other from either end of the greased pole....... weapons in hand....... now ti\his is Cool Breeze's strong event...... I hope he can maintain his smile in the face of this, the meanest of opposition. The Grumpy Brothers are certainly living up to their names......Oh no, just as Cool Breeze is about to slide to defeat, the Grumpy Brothers have turned on each other.....etc etc etc Gary Ayres - Conan - the resemblance is uncanny - with the recent Drugs in sport furore he could even be "Conan the Barbituate" Mick Malthouse - in the best traditions of Vulcan - he could be called Rheem for his ability to get hot under the collar (the Dan Murphy collar, that is Mark Thompson - Bomba - as in the Jungle Boy ! David Parkin - Jugular - obvious really ! Regards Brendan Saunders A.F.L COACHES AS "GLADIATORS" GARY AYRES (ADELAIDE)..."RESPIRATOR"....breathing life into a team making it's march on the finals. LEIGH MATTHEWS (BRISBANE)...."DICTATOR"....who'd dare cross him??!! DAVID PARKIN (CARLTON)...."DELEGATOR"....spreading the duties amongst his revered support staff.....also known as "JUGULAR" when the pressure's on!! MICK MALTHOUSE (COLLINGWOOD)...."ALLIGATOR"....watch out you umpys & journo's, or he'll bite ya head off!! KEVIN SHEEDY (ESSENDON)..."ROTATOR"....for swinging the on-field changes every 5 minutes & for swinging the jacket above the head after defeating the Eagles!! DAMIEN DRUM (FREMANTLE)...."GIGGLER"....for that famous manic laugh when asked a simple question!! MARK THOMPSON (GEELONG)...."REFRIGERATOR"...is anyone as cool under presure as "Bomber"??!! PETER SCHWAB (HAWTHORN)..."COMMUNICATOR"...leader of the "family club" & a fine example to all, particularly children. NEALE DANIHER (MELBOURNE)..."MASTICATOR"....chews the ears off players not giving their all, in true "country-boy" style!! DENIS PAGAN (AAA KANGAROOS)...."REPETITOR"..."We at the North Melbourne Footbal Club.........."........yawn, yawn, boring, boring!! DANNY FRAWLEY (RICHMOND)..."INNOVATOR"...especially as he's managed to keep most of the "party boys" off the ale!! MARK WILLIAMS (PORT ADELAIDE)..."TERMINATOR"...do his terse post-match interviews ever last more than a minute??!! TIM WATSON (ST KILDA)..."RESIGNATOR"....c'est la vie timmy boy!! RODNEY EADE (SYDNEY)..."IRRIGATOR"....no-one floods the backline better than "Rocket"!! KEN JUDGE (WEST COAST EAGLES)...."PERSPIRATOR"....always getting heated in the coaches box!! TERRY WALLACE (WESTERN BULLDOGS)..."REGURGITATOR"...."If any of you blokes go into the social club & accept pats on the back I'LL SPEW UP!!!!!" FROM: MARK EVANS Some suggested gladiator names for AFL coaches Gary Ayres - Konan Danny Frawley - Spudderman David Parkin - Veins If Libba was a Gladiator I would call him - Nails and Peter Everitt could be - Arachnophobia Love your show, Regards David Moss This Weeks Competition
Jason North If AFL coaches were on the show Gladiators then: I have gone with some types of natural disasters here: Kevin Sheedy would be 'Tornado' for the storms of controversy he causes. Rodney Eade would be 'Flood' for his introduction of flooding the backline. Mick Malthouse would be 'Drought' because of the lack of Collingwood wins. and Tim Watson would be the referee (filling Mike Whitney's shoes) because of the lack of passion he shows and the genuine disinterest he displays in the result of contests. From: Adam Soffer. dear boys, i think a good nickname for Danny Frawley would be HUNTER because he hunts for trouble, remember against the Triple A Kangaroos earlier this year when he ran on the ground like Detective Sipkowitz with a short-sleeved shirt just hunting for trouble. Damina Drum's nickname would be SLAGGA because he has slagged off everyone in the WA media so far in his coaching career. Lethal, Rocket and Bomber should keep their nicknames while Ken Judge wouldn't get a gig on Gladiators as he is only a half-forward-flanker and he has never had to use any force at all during his life so he wouldn't be big enough. That is according to one coach. Michael Hogg Dear coodabeens, In entering your competition for this week I have chosen not to explain the references I'm using for the coaches' names in the style of the TV gladiators because I'm sure you are such a discerning, sympathetic and intelligent set of judges that you'll immediately recognise them all. (PS I am not a sychophant, I just recognise the positive qualities of those who hold my fate in their hands.)
I hope you enjoy the entry. Greg Hoysted Dear Simon and Coodabeens, I'm really looking forward to hearing the results of this weeks competition as I reckon were in for a good laugh. Heres my submission including nicknames, an explanation and a Fear Rating out of 10. Kevin Sheedy....'The Executioner' A grand old master at the game who has won more than his fair share of battles, he takes as good as he gets but beware, dont try to hurt his youngsters, he can become very vicious and abusive! Fear Rating 9.5 TIm Watson..............'Kamikaze Bungie Man' Prepared to live and die by his own actions, Kamikaze Bungie Man is prepared to jump well before he is pushed. Fear Rating 7 Mick Malthouse .............'The Hindenberg' Touted as being the next great thing, from what looked to be a thoroughly successful background, he took of early and looked to be flying until he crashed and burnt proving he was little more than a bag of hot air. Fear Rating 3 (dropping from 9.9 last year) Damien Drum.......'The Drill Sergeant' Notorious for his early morning training sessions, the drill sergeant will humiliate you infront of your peers until you can prove you are as good as you can be. Fear Rating 8. Dennis Pagan......'Stonehenge (The keeper of 18)' With his seemingly emotionless exterior he gains his nickname from the small band of supporters who follow him each week in his 'Pagan Ritual' where they offer up an opposition player in sacrifice to their god, Number 18. Fear Rating 8 Danny Frawley....'The Parole Officer' You dont want to come face to face with this gladiator at 5 am in the morning at the local police lockup, with smoke coming from every orifice and the bitter smell of mashed spuds emanating from his pores, he is indeed a fearsome combatant Takes over where many Gladiators have fallen before him including Kevin Bartlett 'The Knifed', John Northey 'The Backstabbed', Tony Jewell 'The Sacked', Robert Walls 'The Ousted' and Geoff Gieshan 'The Slaughtered amongst others.Fear Rating 9.5 Neil Daniher ........'Big Brother' From the prolific gladiator breeding ground of Ungarie, Big Brother is the figurehead of the Family who's trainee Gladiators include Brothers Terry or 'lacsadasial', Anthony or 'Glass Jaw' and youngest Brother Chris or 'Cement Head Fear Rating 7 David Parkin.........'The Cobra' You may not know he's watching you but beware, with lightning reflexes and unerring precision, he is likely to strike out with such blinding speed that not even 2500 slo mo action replays and sworn statements from any number of witness' are likely to see him face justice. Fear Rating 10 Gary Ayres...'The Shadow' With a single mindedness he follows, unerring in his quest, Where ever Blighty has been before, you will find 'The Shadow' lurking. Fear Rating 4 Peter Schwab ......'The Seat Warmer' He try's valiantly to succeed, but as the world knows he is but a mere puppet as he temporarily fills the position that waits for but 1 man....the man they call 'The Kid' Fear Rating 3 Leigh Matthews....'Biggles' Flying down from up North every other week, the former champion gladiator continues his fight with, as he calls them, 'The Gustapo' Fear Rating 8 Rodney Eade.......'UnPlugged' Struggling to put it all together when he lost one of his most attacking moves, Unplugged is making a gallant attempt to put it all behind him and is taking it 'week by week' Fear Rating 6 Mark Thompson...... 'The UnaBomber' Trying hard to shake his tag of years gone by, a compromise was reached with his Nickmane as this unpredictable ex Bomber try's hard to come to terms with life in Sleepy Hollow, a town so small its like living in the Una Bombers 5' square hut, hence the compromised nickname Fear Rating 8 (and rising) Terry Wallace.......'Disco Inferno' Known for his fiery temperament as well as his outlandish clothes which include Leather pants, Disco Inferno is a pocket battleship, tough and uncompromising as well as suave and sophisticated. Fear Rating 8.8 Ken Judge.......'The Scapegoat' Walked into a job which even the experienced gladiators no longer wanted, surrounded by ageing warriors and young upstarts, he is not nearly as fearful as he would like to be. Fear Rating 1 Mark Williams....... 'The Invisible Man' The only AFL coach who could walk into any school in the country outside of Alberton and not be recognised. Has the ability to sometimes sneak up on you if you let your guard drop but usually does little harm Fear Rating 0 Special Mentions Ron Barrassi....'The OverLord' Universally accepted as the Super Gladiator, Long since retired but his views are always taken seriously. Respect Rating 10 Wayne Brittain.......'The Grave Robber' If your a Senior Gladiator, the message is clear.........dont slip up, this up and coming Gladiator wants your spot in the big league. Fear Rating 8 Thanks and have a great show Regards Kevin Nolan Dear Coodabeens, AFL coaches nicknames as if they were Gladiators. AAA Kangaroos - Denis Pagan - TIBIA (the shinbone) Adelaide Crows - Garry Ayres - RAVEN Carlton Blues - David Parkin - SILVERTAIL Collingwood Magies - Michael Malthouse - HOLLYWOOD Essendon Bombers - Kevin Sheedy - WING COMMANDER Fremantle Dockers - Damien Drum - TUGBOAT Geelong Cats - Mark Thompson - GLOMESH Melbourne Demons - Neale Daniher - HOUNDSTOOTH Port Adelaide Power - Mark Williams - MEGAWATT Sydney Swans - Rodney Eade - SATURN (the big rocket) West Coast Eagles - Ken Judge - GAVEL Rhowena D'Arcy Dear Cooda's, I write to you for the very first time, after many years of happy listening. I've decided to break my silence after having a couple of funny idea's with respect to this weeks competition "If coaches were gladiators..." Please note that this competition entry is entirely fictional and any reference to people or places is mere co-incidence. Also, please excuse incorrect use of english and grammar as it was necessary to enhance the humour value of this entry - also I'm a science student...therefore I can't spell...QED. Please find attachment CCCE.doc (Coodabeen Champions Competition Entry) Cheers Stewart Forsyth Coodabeen Champions Competition - "If coaches were gladiators……" Coach Nickname Special Ability Tim Watson 'Jesus' Pronounced 'jay-soose', he rises from the dead at the end of season 2000 after it is revealed that the mid-season resignation was an elaborate ploy to motivate his players. Leigh Matthews 'Dr Kevorkian' Controversially puts the opposition out of their misery by lethal injection. Dennis Pagan 'Satan' As the leader of the heathens, he is able to manipulate the minds of the spiritually weak, and create a very open forward line. Mick Malthouse 'Socrates' Uses his own special blend of ancient philosophy and Freudian-like psychology to hypnotize the media, thus allowing his team to focus on nothing but the job at hand. Kevin Sheedy 'Kasparov' The chess grand champion, maintains unbeaten record this year, often checkmating the opposition before half-time. David Parkin 'Deep Blue' Has a mind like a super computer and appears to be Kasparov's only real threat in 2000. Gary Ayres 'The Rock' Just like Oolaroo, Gary has changed colours in the twilight, he also has the ability to turn to stone when his team makes a grandfinal appearance. Terry Wallace 'Dozer' Terry instills a bulldozer like characteristic into his midfield that ploughs through the opposition like they're freshly fertilized Strath Ayre. Mark Thompson 'Genus purrfectus' Has taken on the only Victorian club outside greater Melbourne after serving his apprenticeship with the soon to be 7th interstate club and also played under the great Kasparov. As nickname suggests his breeding appears to be flawless, but can he do what his predecessor couldn't and win the only one that truly counts. Rodney Eade 'The Principal' With a school teacher mentality he takes every opportunity to Eade-ucate the Sydney fans. If he gets the Swanies into another GF, they'll be singing "there's only one Rodney Rocket". Danny Frawley 'The Bookie' Loves a punt, on the long road to the finals. Has defied the odds by collecting plenty of scalps in his rookie season with the injury plagued tiger's. Ken Judge 'The Surgeon' Diagnosed and exploited a West Coast aliment while at the helm of the Hawks (see Rd 20 1999), now in charge of the hapless Eagles he hasn't done much to repair the wound he opened late last year. Peter Schwab 'Sumpire' Code for umpire sympathizer, has arrived at the hawks with inside knowledge of the 17th team in the AFL, some would say the most ruthless and damaging side in every game, every week. Mark Williams 'Son-of-Fos' Mark served some time under Kasparov and took the Power to their first finals appearance last year. Has a pedigree every bit equal to 'genus purrfectus' but will require time for his young squad to gain the experience necessary to launch a full scale finals assault. Neale Daniher 'Neale-the-real-deal' Neale certainly is the real deal, after taking the demons from 16th to 4th in his rookie year. The dee's have struggled with injury since, but Neale's Ungarie unflappability will see the demons make the finals in 2000. Damian Drum 'Big Base Drum' Booms commands to his charger's at the intervals, thunders instructions to the runners and his players never miss a beat - at training…gameday however is a different story. |
Home | Competition | Ask Tony | Guru Bob